Tapasya...

Tapas, or tapasya as named above, is not mere physical austerity, self-mortification, voluntary suffering or other such stereotypes; it is enkindling the firs within. In tapas we engage our energies by reducing all unnecessary activities. It is the natural restraint of turning one's energies within, creating a space for stillness to work its inner yoga magic of transformation.

This paragraph I just read in the book Yogic Secrets of the Dark Goddess by Shambavi Chopra got me to thinking a lot.

I know we in yoga, especially in the asana oriented cultures of yoga popular in the west, think of tapas as DOING something. Not doing nothing. And it is doing something, but within that something doing nothing else. Make sense?

No? Okay. Well say as an austerity I'm sitting and chanting a mantra 1008 times (which I do every evening) and while I'm doing that I get restless and look around, think of other things, or start doing something else. Then am I doing tapas by this definition? No, I'm not. Doing tapas within this context would be when the urge comes up to think about something, noticing that, and then going back to focusing on the mantra. Or doing something else, no, don't do it, just stop, sit and chant and allow that heat building up because of the frustration from doing the same thing over and over again just burn through your ego, through your karmas, through your samskaras even maybe.

Tapas can be anything, such as holding one arm in the air and when the urge to bring it down comes you still don't bring it down, that's tapas. But that's also self-mortification, which by the above is not necessary. And I agree, it's not necessary to take an austerity to that extreme.

Our asana practice can be a tapas. So when the urge comes to look at your phone, or take a short break just sitting and taking extra breaths, or thinking about what's for lunch, or just anything piddling around, you notice it and then bring yourself back to the practice, to the drishti if need be. To the posture, or where the tongue is, but not giving into that urge can be tapas. It can also not be, there is a fine line. But the idea being to turn it back inwardly rather than allowing the focus to stay outside is the goal. Then it becomes tapas and creates the burning that can take care of those sammskaras, karmas or even body fat sometimes! lol

I read in this way, no, stay with it, let it burn through you. It may seem crazy but it works for me. I love the learning curve I'm going through right now. That's why I picked up the above mentioned book again even though I've read it a thousand times, I read this whole chapter not just the paragraph I quoted above, and it is now growing fruit, so it was worth it.

Anyhow, time to figure out lunch, so I'll talk to you next time I have something come up that can't not come out...

Lots...

There's lots going on on the planet, do you feel it? I do, and I think it's taking it's toll on me. I wish I was less sensitive sometimes, but then when I think of the loss of all the things I would be aware of I decide, no, I'm fine where I am.

It's just hard. And no, I'm not whining, just stating that I'm in a state of overwhelment much of the time these past few weeks. Today being my day off asana practice makes it especially hard, and this whole week having a new moon and screwing up some other practice days didn't help either.

I'm finding more and more of what I want and what I do not want in my life and it's interesting to see. As I grow to know more about myself and how what I know about myself can translate into how I teach, or even what I have to offer others and how they respond to it, use it, integrate it into their lives, is all for sure interesting to note.

I feel less and less like I know anything, or have anything to share and just when I'm feeling this is when people resonate more. I felt all head strong and ready when I got here and very few students were coming. Now I'm feeling like nothing, like I know nothing and like I am not sure what I have to offer and all of a sudden three weeks into my teaching here and now people are coming.

Just goes to show you, you never know. People sometimes resonate more with the not knowing than with the thinking you know it all. What a crazy time this is in, in the world as much as in each individual life.

Talk to anyone and we're all going through some dramatic times and some strong emotional times of learning and integration. How will we use these things in our own personal lives as we move forward is the key thing. Most hear and hear but do not listen and begin to use the tools people give them. Myself included.

Now is the time to listen, not just outwardly but to use the outward listening to learn how to listen inwardly. What does the deepest part of our being feel, want and need in order to keep feeling connected? It can tell us if we are open to receiving the information, allowing it to permeate our being and move forward from there...

Are you doing this? Am I doing this? Not always, but as often as I can I am. But you have to answer for yourself. Are you going through it blindly, and winging it? If so that's fine, but you can choose to start listening to your feelings and let them guide you, using your intellect to help you discern.

It's good, it's all good. Don't be hard on yourself, and I'll do my best not to be hard on myself too and just lean into life more. Lean into the dark, to the light, to the happy, to the sad, to whatever comes up and let it tell me what it tells me. Will you join me?

Support...

I just watched a trailer for a movie coming out next month called "Boy Erased." Then I watched an interview with a few of the cast members, it's about a boy coming out to his parents and the father being a pastor sent him to conversion therapy camp. Often these camps use abuse, starvation and punishments as part of the "therapy" and should be abolished. The film has an uplifting message from what I saw about it, in the end anyway, and so can bring hope to those in the same situation.Not only this but with all the negative crap out there on social media these days. Well, not only there but that's the only outlet I have to news since I do not watch the news, but with Trump and all the stuff going on in almost every country these days it seems there is no shortage of "bad" news to be seen and heard, so I wanted to write something positive.

I have to say that in my life I have had the good karma to be a receiver of much privilege. Now I know I'm a white male, so I automatically have that privilege going on, but also my family is wonderful and my friends have always been wonderful and supportive as well.

This is why I titled this entry Support. So just to give a few short examples...

My mother. She has always been someone I've been close to, now in proximity we are not anymore but still in our hearts we are. When I came out to her finally, after her asking me and me lying about it and then her asking me again years later and I was honest, she did not receive it well. But after some years she wrote me a great note and mailed it to me, yes, this is what we did back then, exclaiming her love and support for me. She always encouraged me to be who I was and sometimes even thought maybe begrudgingly accepted it. There are too many instances to site so I'll just mention one, when I was leaving the U.S. and I had told her when I was still in India in February of 2016 that I would come home for the summer and but once I left again for India in the fall that I would not be coming back. So all summer we, not just she and I but also my sister and her family as well, spent much more time together than we normally would have. Then the day I was leaving she drove me to the airport and when she picked me up in the morning it was just she and I she said "well, I hate this, that you're leaving and I won't have easy access to seeing you anymore, but I'm glad that you're still doing it and following your heart." That is the kind of support one cannot usually count on, and I appreciate it.

Not just her, but all my friends that I made over the years. Even when I became Sikh and was living in the midwest, wearing a turban and sporting a 16 inch beard, and even when I just began the path they all made the effort to call me by my new name and go out in public with me. And trust me, going out in public in the midwest with a guy in a turban can get tomatoes or worse thrown at you, but they stood by me all the way.

These are just two examples, but there are many more I could share and am proud to have had these experiences. Not all in my life have been positive, but what we could label negative experiences can also be guidance to lead us to better places within ourselves and within our lives and interactions with others.

So there is not only bad stuff going on out there in the world, there is amazing stuff too. And even some of the bad stuff if viewed from a different perspective can possibly lead you to a new and more amazing place in your being, then in your life, so don't judge them too quickly. Look and say, "how can I see this from a different angle...?"

Transmutation...

Oddly enough I just looked and my last post was written right in the exact spot I'm sitting right now, in my apartment at Santosha Yoga here in Germany. I had so much I wanted to write in Mysore but my laptop would not connect to the wifi for some reason for almost the whole time there, which also means I didn't get to watch any Netflix or anything else either, except on my phone and watching that small screen makes my eyes hurt.

So I had a great time there during my month practicing at the shala, not my practice mind you, it wasn't so great and there were no physical breakthroughs but assisting Sharath was great and I hope to do it again.

Not only that but not having access to write everything down and get it out kind of forced me to process stuff and I feel I had a radical shift while I was there, within. So I may not write so much down anymore, as far as processing. Probably ideas and such I still will, but most of what needs to be transmuted I'll keep within, that's where the real growth happens anyway...

And there is that word, transmute. Or as I labeled this entry, transmutation. What does that mean?

To me it makes me think of the alchemists, who would change lead into gold, or coal into a diamond, stuff like that. But really it's not about the physical transmutation of any substance into another. It's more about the inner transmutation of feelings or memories or emotions into something else, something that serves you much more than whatever it was is.

So as I feel something one might label negative, then I'll embrace it, feel it, wonder where it came from. Figure it out, and then slowly make it into something beneficial, a feeling that inspires me or a movement in my consciousness that helps me move forward into the future and grow and expand. Change my ideas of things, or embrace that my ideas are just that, ideas, so to also embrace that everyone has these and they are all valid for each of us. Embracing the dark, the light, all of it and making peace with it, even becoming happy with it.

These transformations also affect our chemical balance and can shift it for the better or for the worse. Not only that they can shift our neural network into something better, or worse. We are the ones who have to decide, no one else can do that for us.

How we feel about things is our choice. Lately I've become very neutral as the sutras say to cultivate. But it's nice because then external factors do not bother me so much and immediately affect my mood like they once used to. I can just sit with something, observe it and then become okay with it that way and not react or act on it unless it's needed.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect at this and I still am human and have my moments, just ask any of my friends, but it's nice that I'm finally affected less than I once was. This has helped my physical practice, my teaching, my interactions with friends, and my interactions with those who I don't know. Just in general it's a better place to be in.

When you have something bothering you, do you just leave it there and let it affect your whole day, or are you able to transform it into something more? Give it a try next time, don't act immediately on a feeling, just sit back and watch it a bit first and see where it goes, then try to make it beneficial for you and others. Not easy, but well worth the time it takes to train yourself to do this...

Do we ever stop fucking up...?

I'm at the end of my time here in Germany again and was looking forward to getting to Mysore, getting settled back in my house, even looking forward to dealing with the registration line with Sharath, often it's not so bad and the anticipation can be a lot but I enjoy being in his company so am always ready for it.

So was at the dinner with the owners of the shala I come here to teach for and they presented me with the amount of money and a chart of how much I made from each thing and what it added up to and then that I'd drawn against it quite a bit and so the actual pay I received was not very much.

Now, I knew I was drawing against the pay. I tend to always do this since I just live on what I make as I make it and don't have a storehouse of money anywhere. But this time I'd fucked up and not paid attention to a point that now I cannot afford to pay for my practice time with Sharath and my rent and living expenses all together. So, what the hell to do? Of course as is usual for me I freaked out inside, tore myself a new asshole from the inside out (figuratively) because I always give myself money troubles but I haven't done that since I've been traveling and teaching the past few years. And now I've dug myself into a hole and not sure how to get out of it. Of course I'm being a bit dramatic and realised this this morning as I'm walking down the Ring Road here and seeing all the homeless sleeping on the street. I'm okay, and I know it, but how and why do I always do this to myself? But thankfully I talked to quite a few friends who are in Mysore right now who made me feel better about the possibilities that I'm still going to practice with him and it will all work out. Then I started seeing a brighter day ahead. Then I can't check into my first flight on the route back, but it checked me into the second flight. WTF?!? Why is this happening? Am I not supposed to go back to Mysore? Maybe I'm supposed to stay in Germany, learn German and just live here and teach. Sharath listed me in Germany on his KPJAYI list anyway, maybe that was prophetic? Hahahaha. Of course I don't think it's all this but my mind goes to the drama first. Now I'm calmed down about that.

Everything else all day seemed to go very wrong, even the man making my pizza down near the Dom couldn't get the pizza into the oven, it took 5 tries lol. Again, wtf?!?

When you seeing "wrong" then you keep seeing more wrong, not anything possibly right. So you have to take the time to shift your perceptions to a new angle and then look again at it. And probably this is just the universal mother testing me again to make sure I keep letting go and allowing the flow to happen. She knows what I want and the better way to get it to me than I could have imagined so she's able to do this, get me lined back up and able to receive the blessings she has waiting for me. At least that is the way I'll choose to look at this so I can keep myself in a good place, not go down the rabbit hole of doom and gloom.

So, next time you hear from me I'll be back in Mysore typing from my bed and we'll see how this all turned out. I can't sit and worry about it anymore or I'll go crazy, and no, I'm still not sure how it's all going to work out but to go back to what I've said in previous entries, I have a lot of faith and this time it took me hearing those exact words from a friend to get me to remember that I know I have a lot of faith and it always carries me through, when I allow it to!

See you soon, live and love your life!

Hungry...

Do you ever go through phases where you're just hungry for more?

For me right now that means more reading scriptures, more reading about Kali, then putting that into play in pooja, more pooja, more chanting, can't wait to practice my asanas each morning, more intensity, more heat, more.. just more everything!

Right now I'm sweating a lot, I'm reading a lot, I am chanting louder, I am using fire and water more than ever in my rituals, I am studying more, reading sutras from many different scriptures, seeing how they feel to me, putting them into play in my life, teaching and the teaching is more intense right now, enjoying that intensity more than ever. I just want all of it and to push it into me somehow.

I know this may sound ridiculous to some of you but this is the phase I'm in right now. I often go through this phase when I'm not in India because when I'm there things are automatically more intense so I don't have to work at it so much. I suppose I don't have to work at it so much now either, I'm just an intense person so it will likely always be this way with me.

I just read an article by someone I know from Mysore and her love of the intensity of practicing there and assisting there and all of it. I have applied to assist Sharath when I'm practicing with him in August and thought I'd have heard by now if I can or not, but if I don't before I register I will ask him then and hopefully be able to. I to love the idea of this type of intensity, learning and teaching and the circle of all of that.

I teach for a living, but I also learn from each student and from each situation. I think if I was not also open to learning, that I thought I knew it all already, then I would be a shitty teacher. And I don't think I'm a shitty teacher, but maybe I'll ask some of them, maybe I am a shitty teacher hahahaha!

As I go back to India very soon, I'll be there about 2 weeks early before I get to start practicing, and will be there again for the Guru Purnima celebration at the shala. I attended last year even though I was not practicing there and so hope I am able to again this year, and this year I have a kurta to wear to it. I imagine that those same days will be registration for classes since it's near to the end of the month this year. So that will begin the process for me.

But maybe since I"m already missing India so much again that I'm bringing the intensity now? I hope so and that I can maintain it without bursting into flames, or that it calms down before I go so I can get a bit of respite before it starts again!

This next few months looks to be intense already from a glance anyway, India now, practicing and hopefully assisting Sharath for a month, then traveling around to Kolkata, Assam, Varanasi, Uttarkashi, then back to Germany for another month intensive of teaching, then back to Goa for a month or so of practicing with Sharmila Desai again, then to assist Harmony at Purple Valley Yoga in Goa. And to top it off I'm working on booking things for next year already, which is new for me, and I've already got temple tours and things booked for when I arrive in Mysore in 2 weeks, and a couple people to do private lessons with and possible taking German lessons while there. Whoo......!

I think I'll survive though, when I'm in the intensity I grow and expand and become so much more than I ever thought I could be and I glow. I thrive in this state, so I'm glad to be here.

Life is an adventure and I'm very happy to be actively moving forward in it, rather than passively allowing it to whip me around as I was when I was younger.

Thank you!

Rebirthing oneself...

Do you ever feel stuck? Like stuck in a way that feels like something is squeezing you and all your shit is coming out, hopefully not literally but only figuratively? And you know things are coming to a head, but you just don't know what to do about it?

I've been feeling this way to a small degree since I was in St. Louis, but here in Germany since I kicked my practices all back into high gear it was feeling like the pressure was on. Pressure as in coal being squeezed into a diamond, not peer pressure or something like that. Although that can end up being the same thing often.

So yesterday I was reading my new book and then wrote in my journal, all in the morning before teaching (Saturdays is at 9am so I can get finished early with all my rituals and go have a chai and chill before instead of after class). I usually just write in stream of consciousness so I never know what will come out or where I will end up, and so I was doing this and came to conclusion from past impressions that at this time I am having another growth spurt. A period where all the work I've done and all the time I've spent on integrating it comes to a head and boom, it starts making sense, or its a big transition so it feels like a very large baby trying to fit through a very tight hole and oftentimes those holes rip or need an episiotomy so that the mothers vagina doesn't rip open. Either way a very painful process and we on the inside coming out feel as we'll we might be dying.

Dramatic I know, but I am dramatic so I'm not going to calm it down for this entry haha!

So, I've been drawn a lot over the past year to just let go of everything and live as a sadhu, throw my passport in the Ganga (and yes if you've known me for the past year it's likely I told you the story about the German guy in Rishikesh who did just this, and it inspired me so I use it often) and just going to be a wild man in the Himalayas. And now that I'm reading about all this folk tantra and how they do things in the villages as Goddess worshippers who believe in magic and those types of things I'm even more inspired and this wild man that lives inside me is wanting to come out.

Often lately I've also referred to this inner being as a big, fat lady. She likes to eat a lot and she is wild and living mostly naked and by her instincts and she is a magical creature that is magnificent. So whichever you want to think of it as, it's wanting out. And to deny this part of myself is to be blocking the flow of energy in me and in my life which is not something I want to do or enjoy doing when I end up allowing myself to do so.

Teaching here has been more magical and I feel like a sorcerer moving energy around the room and am enjoying it more than usual, but my physical body has been having limitations mostly due to my mental ideas of where I am in my practice. And then I remember last summer living in India and just giving up and not caring anymore, and then boom pasasana became easy all of a sudden and I was doing it easily for 4 months, even the 5th month when I came back to Germany and it was colder and raining I still had it mostly, until I got locked up in my mind with different ideas about how my body should be, then I lost it again and have not completely gotten it back again since. Now in two weeks I head back to India again and will be there a couple month before coming back to Germany so am working on letting these ideas go again. They are not serving me and in not serving me are restricting me from serving others more fully.

Since it's my mind that's doing it, the body is the same it gets more frustrating. And when frustrated there is more and more that builds up and becomes some"thing" rather than just staying a mental impression that should be easy to get rid of...

Anyhow, this is where I am. Once I realised this is what's happening the process seems to have exacerbated, which is cool because it means the new me will be here soon. And it won't be different than the old me, it'll just be a new thing integrated into my mental emotional impressions of existence and hopefully make me better for it. We'll see...lol

Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open?!? Rumi

This quote came at me today when I happened upon a photographers Instagram page after being told about him, and it struck me.

I know I've heard it all before but when you have an aha moment, and then you have it again, the AHA gets bigger with the intention of you remembering it finally.

Everything in life is a choice. People are always complaining and I say then you can choose to change this. They make excuses about they have to, they need the job for the money, nah, nah, nah, etc... You know the argument. You've made it before, I have too! But it's just not true.

Look at my life, I make enough money to eat some meals and buy a chai, that's about it. And yet I fly around the planet and do what I love more than anything else, teach Ashtanga Yoga. And hopefully can help people deepen their ideas of practice, because I am not an asana only type person, I believe all the underneath stuff is what's important, not just the asana.

But if you're teaching people these tools of awareness and consciousness and they never use them, is it worth it? Yes, because on whatever level they are on that is where their aha moments will happen. And that's the only place it can happen for them, so maybe they just aren't ready to hear "yes, quit your job and trust that it will all work out." It's the same thing as saying take the leap and the net will appear, or even better in my opinion, take the leap, there never was a net anyway!

I guess I'm a daredevil and don't even know it. I will be somewhere down to absolutely no money and yet still be there, with no means to get anywhere else or make money, but I have faith. And then I'll get that call and fly somewhere to teach, or get some very nicely paying private lessons, or both!

So maybe the component is faith. I seem to only have that, not much else, but I believe the goddess will take care of me and she always does. Is faith of this type odd to find in people? Maybe it is, I don't know, it's a serious question. Do you know?

I have it. I remember one day when I was sitting beside Sharath in conference, and he mentioned how bhakti is a part of our practice. Devotion and faith that it will do what it's supposed to do. And another time I was with my friend Muthu Swamy in Varanasi and I said oh I'm not scared to die, I just don't care. And he said no, no you are not. And your faith shows that. So maybe I'm an anomaly.

But cultivating faith in oneself, or in one deity, or something is what works for me, and hopefully I can inspire you to do so as well. Without it I don't know how you all can live your lives. And then taking the plunge and quitting that job, or moving to another country, or leaving that bad relationship, or whatever it is you don't think you have to nerve to do, well, it's just easier to do.

I am still scared, all the time. And I always say "yes, I'm scared, but that never stopped me from doing the things."

So, how big is your prison?

If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else...?

This quote is a famous one from RuPaul, who when I was in my early 20's came out with a few popular songs on the charts as the first Drag Queen pop star. But who now hosts this show which I've mentioned before and won't get into again right now. But the point is she's saying it to these men who have created a female character that they dress up as and perform, and yet even then they need to be more aware of who they really are, more fully themselves than ever to carve their own niche in the market. And to me it's not even really about the marketing of themselves, it's more about celebrating diversity and being an individual, even if you steal an idea from someone, someway you're going to make it your own.

This is completely against the herd mentality that is prolific in the Western world, even it's creeping its way into the Eastern world as well. But how do we do this? Learn to love ourselves?

I believe the first step of that is judgment. If you are noticing that you are a judgmental bitch, always pointing out what's wrong with the "other" person, or even always pointing something out, not necessarily a "bad" thing, just a thing. Then that is indication that this same overly discerning behavior is going back to yourself. Now, to a certain degree we need to be aware of what we're doing, how we're acting towards ourself and other in public, and in private, but not for the reasons you think. Because our brain, yes the physical apparatus made up of goo and cells with electrical charges going through it, doesn't know the difference between what we're saying to ourselves or others so takes it to heart that we feel badly about something within us. Whether it be body weight, frizzy hair, judging our judgmental nature, how big our ass is, how small or big our cock is, are there new wrinkles there, have stretch lines popped up, is my back hairier than it was last week, whatever the hell it might be.

If we are judging others, we are also judging ourselves as far as our body knows.

Also, repression. Do you repress your emotions? Do you allow yourself to feel things as they come up?

I just watched a movie again last night, but this time at the theatre ( and was up way past my bedtime), Call Me By Your Name. This very different sort of love story. Not different in that the two characters in love were both men, I'm a gay man so that's irrelevant to me. But different in the way the story unfolded. Oddly enough this movie here is being embraced by many, many straight people because yes, it is just a damn good love story.

I won't get into the story right now but this Professors son has an affair with his father's apprentice who in the book the boy is 17 and the apprentice 24, not a big difference as we get older but then it could have been. But it wasn't treated that way, or as a bad thing by the boys parents. When the summer was over and the apprentice left the boy was heart broken and his father and he had a conversation that was pivotal to me. He embraced the love his son and this older man had shared and told him, encouraged him really, to embrace the things he was feeling, to let them be there in his body and not try to suppress them or bury them into a non-feeling place. It was a long conversation and as a 48 year old gay man who came out in the 80's, the era this movie was set in, this is not something I heard, or anyone I know of heard from their father. So it was lovely and really made me cry.

But it also made me think and feel and cry all the way home. We are taught so hard in our youth, usually anyway, to shut those valves off. To not let anyone see us showing these emotions. Even to not allow them to come out. And this is one of the worst things adults can do to their children. When you repress something you create a separation within your body, something your mind picks up on and believes that we are not a whole person, we are not integrated. So we act in the future from a place of disconnection. But if we were taught this, that this fictional character was teaching his son, we could integrate those emotions into our being, learn to be fully who we really are, and even yes, maybe learn to love ourself.

Would this be so wrong?

Yoga means union. So the question I always ask myself now as I'm getting more and more mature in my practice, and in my life, is does this serve the union. Now you may ask what union? I say the union of self with Self, or inner being with my physical being, or God and man, or feminine and masculine, or whatever else can be in balance, or in union with one another. To me though it's spirit and physical. We so often think they are separate, they are not, they are one thing. The spirit enables these bodies to move and walk around. Even channels the electricity to each corner as it's needed, moving the blood, lymph, synovial fluids and more to where they are needed most at each moment.

So doing the asana/yoga practice to me is about facilitating this union to happen, and sometimes not, depending on how regular you are being with your practice. And once the union is served maybe there is a little more space for you to find love for yourself, and once you truly learn how to love yourself there is no possible way you cannot love others more properly. More unconditionally.

How are you serving yoga today? Yoga as union, not yoga as an asana practice only. Or are you? Are you aware of it? If you're choosing to be less aware today, that's okay too, we all need a little break. But you'll soon find that this will be virtually impossible at some point in the future.

Once the union starts taking root, you feel better and once you feel better you KNOW when you feel the slightest bit less good, or the same, or even better. You know and once you know, it's hard to go back to just allowing yourself to feel not so good anymore.

How are you feeling today?

My life...

My life is a strange one, at least that's the impression I'm getting lately. Not that I mind being strange at all, or even that others think I'm strange. I just never think of what I'm doing with my life as odd, until I hear anothers opinion of it, which I have a lot lately.

I was chatting with someone on a dating app, in person after we'd already chatted for a bit, and it was a very surprising thing that I travel to teach yoga for a living. I guess I've been part of the Ashtanga world for so long that I don't think anything of it, there even used to be a list on the old site for the official teachers authorized by KPJAYI that was called Traveling Teachers, all of which were certified at the time.

I get asked to come, and so I do, I offer sometimes when I see a good opportunity and if they agree then I get flown in. It's very simple. But maybe to many that don't realise how important yoga is in the lives of those who practice it it's a surprising thing, and most of them only think of it as an exercise program too from what I've discovered. To me it's the norm, and what a cool norm to have I believe.I'm constantly surrounded by a language that I don't know these days. For the last two years I've been between South India, North India, Germany and the U.S. I'm now on my third time in Germany and while I still can't formulate a whole sentence I can get by with the few words I know and can figure out often what people are talking about. I am told that ability comes form having an open heart, because when you're open you can feel the intention of the person speaking, that coupled with the amount of words I do know makes it easier to get by.

In fact when I was just in the U.S. for almost 8 weeks I told a friend I was walking with how odd it felt to be surrounded by English. I was understanding every conversation and my brain relaxed because it wasn't always trying to translate what I was hearing. But at the same time I realised how loud Americans are, yes Colleen if you're reading this you've been telling me this for years! But what an odd feeling to feel out of place in your country of origin. I guess I really have grown comfortable in my uncomfortable zones.

In fact another factor I realised was that I never speak full English anymore. I'm always having to pigeon English it for people so that they understand me. And when I arrived here I was speaking as if I was still speaking to other native English speakers and they could not understand me, I'm still doing it a bit, but not as bad as this past 5 days. I had to relearn how to use big words and put them in their proper places. Many friends can attest to me asking them, "what's the word for this?!?"

In India I'm learning more and more of the local language, well in Mysore, and I'm studying Hindi very loosely, so it's getting easier. But there it's always about the hand signals, head wobbles and the intention behind it all. Then communication is very easy. In Germany it can be much the same if you're open to it, but also many people speak very good English even though they will tell you they know "just a little bit..."

There is much much more that I thought about as the idea for this entry was formulating but it's all seeming less than important to talk about now. I've been working on talking less, and when I do talk to make it more meaningful. And requiring less to be going on at all times.

I was just walking through Köln after just getting out of a movie, through an area that is having what we would call a side walk sale. Although this one is a whole area of the city, not just a block or two. And thinking how absolutely no one in the crowd was alone. Everyone was holding hands, touching shoulders and leaning in to whisper in an ear, or yelling over the music to their group of friends, or with their dog and many other scenarios. Everyone. I was literally the only one walking alone. I had spent the greater part of the day with people and took a long walk with a friend and talked, so being alone was the balance for me.

I could have felt lonely, and maybe I should have, but I did not. I just noticed it, and thought how nice it would be to be walking through this crowd with someone I cared about, in whatever capacity, and chatting randomly while doing it. But then I also realised how nice it was to be able to walk alone and enjoy myself, noticing all the little idiosyncracies in folks as I was moving my way towards the space I'm calling home for the time being. Being in India for many months at a time helped mw with this and maybe even made it seem normal. Bieng in Germany also helped me with this.

But both helped me be more tolerant, loving and understanding of what it's like to be in a place and it not be somewhere I can just take to anyone at any time. It's all good, and I'm not complaining, I have a charmed life and appreciate it. I'm just stating what's been floating around in my mind the past few hours.

Namaste...

Native place...

So when an Indian friend of mine goes home to visit family or for a wedding or just about any reason they always tell you they're going to their native place.

Well, now I've up and gone to my native place. I've been here three weeks now and realised I haven't written nor necessarily felt as if I even wanted to, or had anything to write about.

I got here and went straight to my moms for a week then came to St. Louis to stay with my friend and started teaching daily Mysore practice with a 3 hour workshop. That end of it has been going very well and it's really clearing me out so I don't have a lot of junk coming up to share with you all.

In fact after the shift I had in Goa I surprisingly was not unhappy to be here and have been enjoying myself, both with family and with old friends.

Then today after I had driven to Illinois to see a movie and have lunch with my mom I decided I should drive back through Collinsville and Fairview Heights, My stomping ground from about 2002 to 2008. I lived in Collinsville with Steve Conner, one of my best friends, in his big house that also housed a business that I'd delivered flowers for for almost a decade before I moved in there. I was surprised to find that I teared up and was feeling a bit verklempt.

See, in December when I was in Frankfurt, Germany teaching I found out Steve had passed away. How and why are not for this blog, but at the time I thought about it a lot and felt very heavy with the news. But soon as I always do around death I made my peace with it and knew he was less encumbered in the form he was in now and so felt lighter about it. So being there where we had so much history just choked me up a bit. And I realised that it was the first time I've thought of the past very much since I've been here, which is great.

In fact in general, and today in particular, I have felt just great. Almost amazing all the time. My body is feeling good since its fairly warm here, my mind has been clear, my practice has mostly been going strong and I've been able to feel the Goddess and connect here in ways I had not previously been able to.

All the work I've done over the years is finally paying off. My favourite verse of the Yoga Sutras to chant in fact (1.14) states that perfection in practice comes when one continues with sincerity and respect for a long period of time without any interruption. Not saying I've perfected anything, but I feel some fruits coming available finally, not always, but more often and with more ease than before.

Death came up again earlier this week when my friend that I'm living with for my time here had to put her long time pet to sleep and I was present as she left her body, could actually feel her energy shift and move into a happier state of being.

Death I don't see as anything more than a transformation of energy, and with this current obsession I have with the version of Kali that lives in the cremation grounds and the impermanence that death stands for, and the transformation it actually is. So to experience a spirit leaving its body at this time is very pertinent, and to have felt the things I felt this afternoon when seeing my old house were pertinent too. I feel this is symbolic of me realising that now I'm really not attached to this place anymore, and I'm leaving it for good. I'll come visit I'm sure but that's it.

So, that's it. See you soon, hopefully I'll write some more while I"m here but if not I'm going to be in Germany soon and see some of you there, or in Mysore after that and see more of you there. Namaste!

Expectations...

So, I'm at my moms house for the week before I head to St. Louis to teach for the month, after my great time in New Jersey teaching those receptive students. Did I write about my time there? I can't remember. I'll go look but if I didn't I'll have to soon. Anyhow, it's funny how you get here, which is what I'm calling it here instead of home because everyone keeps saying welcome home to me and I'm like, no, home is India! lol... but you get here with expectations that your old patterns will come up and that you will behave a certain way because of the way you were way back when you were around family on a regular basis. You also believe that what you think their expectations of you are can affect you, but then you (in the middle of the mornings asana practice) realise that what you think they are expecting you to be is just that, what you think they think you should be. All this thinking!!!! So then you realise you can be who you are, not anything else and they will love you anyway. I've discovered that this is what I do anyway if I can stay out of my head, most people can destroy things by overthinking the circumstances surrounding them and putting your ideas onto them, and that just screws everything up. Often I come and hold back, not being or acting how I usually would. Why do I do this? Do we all do this? Is this why so many of us are uncomfortable being around family? If so, then why do we do this to ourselves. So then, in the middle of my yoga practice where I was feeling tight, intense and my neck hurt from stressing myself out, I decided no, I can be me and I'm going to start just right this minute, and so I do and then my practice was better, my energy was better, my neck quit hurting, my stomach felt more ease and my appetite went down and I quit eating everything in sight. Oh my god, why are humans so ridiculous? We are though aren't we? This is why I love India, I don't do this there. Everyone I know there seems to be more in the present and if it's not affecting them right at that moment they don't put much work into it. Now, not everyone does this but what I notice is that this seems to be more the mainstream, where here in the U.S. it seems to be worrying about the future and how things should be and stress about them not being that way yet. Wherever I am I can be the same person I am when I'm in India. This is not a big revelation right? It's something we all should know but maybe we don't always recognise the truth in it, so I'm deciding to be this person. This is the person all the students come to practice with and love and so this is who I will be, I also love myself more when I'm this way, not the stressed out and forethought person I can be when I let myself fall into those old patterns. OMG, should I even be writing this blog entry? It seems like all this thinking about all the thinking I was doing and could be doing can be a mess. And yes it is, so should I delete this? Nah, it's already written, so I'll leave it...

In love...

Can one just be simply in love as a state of being? Not in a specific type of love with a person, just in love in general?

I was just driving down the street and here the cherry blossoms are in full bloom everywhere, the sun is out today, its cool and I just had a great, locally made chai. I realised I love it here, but then I loved it the last few places I've been, and I fell in love with people a lot lately, and not just romantically speaking, with people. These students here are great, the other people I've met are great.

I think my time in Goa had a more profound effect on me than I'd realized. It cleared out some things within me that I'd not worked through yet. I feel really good, even when I'm depressed or down, I know it's just what it is at that moment and will change. I know this is true about almost anything, but here I am noticing it finally.

I don't have a lot to say about it, just wanted to write it down and acknowledge it. That it is a possibility in my life. Not one I ever thought would happen, but one I've worked towards. I've always thought of equanimity as the biggest goal in my life, not that I'm big on goals but that was one that I thought yoga seemed to be about, so I set out many years back with that idea in my mind.

Maybe being in love is reaching just the tiniest part of equanimity. If you can be okay no matter where you are, when you are and how you are then that is it, right? So have I reached "IT"??? Maybe, but I'm quite sure, like everything else, it's not a permanent state, but a place to reach for at all times. There will be things that throw me out of it and hopefully being in this place now will make it easier to tap back into that when it seem elusive again.

For now, I'm feeling the love, and that is also a relative term, but for me I mean it in the unconditional sense. I've been noticing lately when I add conditions to how I feel to qualify the feelings, and I stop it and see if I can step back and feel it for what it is, it's a nice super power, hope it lasts.

Anyhow, go enjoy your day. New Jersey is sunny/partly cloudy, warm and cool intermittently, in full bloom and calm on this Sunday afternoon. Whether where you are is like this or not, can you still feel the love for it?

Open in the U.S...

It seems like everything is conspiring to keep me open these days. What does that mean?

To me it means open hearted, open minded, just open. Not closed off in my ideas of things and the way I think they should be. Don't should on yourself...

I tend to fall into patterns of "shoulding" and it's not good. In fact I think all of us do this. I'm experiencing that here in New Jersey, I experience it almost everywhere I go. Except in Goa.

In Goa just recently I was practicing with a very open hearted and loving teacher, who gives her everything to you and in her room you feel inspired to give your everything to your practice, but not in a pushing sort of way, in a allowing sort of way. Yes, I'm open to more of this happening, and so then it does once you've relaxed your mind around the idea that it can happen. But I wrote many times about my experiences with her.

My roommate there also was very open and ready to have any experience she believed god was throwing at her, and that's very inspiring to me also because I often close myself off. I may seem open to many people, but that really just shows you how closed off you are lol, I'm closed off for me, but I see it and open back up.

In Goa I met a guy that I never would have been open to meeting before, not because he was dark skinned, which he was, he is, not for any superficial reasons like that. But because I felt something stir when we chatted, which is a big sign that ohhh, this is different. We then met in person and took a long drive together, went to the sea and swam, ate lunch, spent many hours snogging, shagging, talking, more talking, snuggling, more talking, and boom. 10 hours go by and you just don't realise it. My friend there said "what were you doing yesterday I didn't see you anywhere all day long!" I said "oh, I had a date, it lasted about 10 hours." He then said "ummm, 10 hours isn't a date honey, that's love..."

Was it love? Well, maybe, but not the attached, can't live without you or I'll slit my wrists, can't let you out of my sight type of love. So maybe I'm in a new place about love. There it is again, the universe took that day to show me where I"d been closed off again and boom, took it away from me. Now you're going to be open about this too bitch, it said, hahahaha! And I am.

I am still in touch with this person, and one other who I was already dating a bit in Mysore, and the idea of being with someone now is not a bad thing to me. In fact it goes well with how my life is right now. Flying here and teaching, flying there and teaching, settling in one spot for some months, then moving again and again, then settling. This type of understanding of what love is or can be is really conducive with the traveling lifestyle. But it's not just that, it's the being open to love that's the really powerful thing, being open altogether is really where it is anyway.

After that time in Goa with Sharmila, a certified Ashtanga teacher, I came to New Jersey and lived with another certified Ashtanga teacher, Kino, both are well known and for very different reasons. But both are very valid in their devotion and dedication to this method of yoga practice and have many things to offer their students, and both are very open. So in being around them, having conversations with them and practicing in their rooms you are affected by their openness.

I originally wanted to write one entry about being back in the U.S. and how strange everything feels, and then another one comparing the two different teachers I'd just spent time with and how their teachings are amazing in very different ways, but right now in this state of being very open I'm finding I want to focus on the sameness we all share, on the oneness that is possible to see if one just looks for it. We are all trying to do our best, and we all are doing our best at that moment but the fact that it's very different from one another makes it seem less than, or more than, but it's really not. I am where I am at this moment, and I have this much to give to the moment. Whereas you are where you are and have that much to give, maybe if you qualify it it seems less than, or more than mine, but it's not. It's just yours and yours is yours and mine is mine, and even though it sound like I'm separating them in that they are the same. I can give this to you, you can give that to me and we can meet in the space where it overlaps.

But so many of us want more, I want more. She wants more. He wants more. But I really don't want more. It's not your job to fulfil me, it's my job to open up as much as possible and allow fulfilment to happen from my connection, and connection happens when we're open, not when we're not. I saw it at the Kino event, many of the attendees don't even practice Ashtanga regularly so don't have an inkling how the system really works, and it does work well, so they are wanting to talk to her and suck up her energy, and she's willing to give it. Maybe because she created this phenomenon single handedly and she knows it, but she has done her practice for as many years as I have mine and so has this openness and is connected. So she has a lot to give. Sharmila give her whole self in the Mysore room, and is a bit enigmatic outside of it. Not that she's not open and loving, but she is not a big public persona so doesn't have to be out there in the same way Kino is, but she is still out there in her garden working, accessible most of the day at her shala, or rather on the surrounding property. Both are amazing and both have much to give, but very different, but the same, but different.

So this to me is what a yogi is, someone who is in definite connection with their energy at all times, in charge of it, knowing when to be alone to recharge, keeping their practices going so as to maintain the level of energy needed to live the life they've created for themselves. And I'm working on this being my life. I'm here, I'm teaching, I'm connecting with the students quite deeply, which is the only way I know how to do it, and giving of myself, then taking other parts of my day to practice, to check out, to go see a movie, to eat and replenish this body, to be quite, to chant, to bathe, to whatever it takes to keep in balance. And whatever it takes to stay as open as possible so that I can be away which thing is needed when and how to go about it in the most efficient manner.

This entry may seem all over the place but to me it's not. I just saw a movie that made me think about relationship and the ones I've had recently, I was already thinking to write about being back in the U.S., although I didn't talk too much about that so maybe it will be another entry, and I wanted to write a post about Sharmila and Kino and my experiences with them. So I just threw it all in and opened up to allow it to come out however it did, and it feels right to me for me right now.

How open are you? Open enough to just write a stream of consciousness blog post with all your shit in it? Open enough to be a helping hand when it's needed for others, or for yourself? Open enough to know when your connection is waxing or waning? Open enough to say love to someone be it a family member, friend or someone you are having sex with, or just began dating? Love is a good word. It's been corrupted a lot lately but I still think it's synonymous with being open, if you can feel it that's a good start, if you can feel it and say it, that's even better, but if you can show it in all your deeds, that's the best. Strive to be that open!

Tapasya...

Lately my practice has been feeling like tapas. Now you may be wondering why I'm referring to Spanish appetisers, but that is not what I'm talking about. Tapas is short for the title of this entry, tapasya. An intensity of spirit when a personal sadhana gets deeper and your commitment to it gets set. Then it becomes tapas. So when you feel the urge to commit to a practice, not just asana mind you, and then to make it a transformational thing involving your spirit or the deepest part of your inner being.

When I went to Goa to practice with Sharmila Desai it was to kick myself in the butt with my practice of asana. I already mostly have a strong connection to a daily spiritual practice involving chanting, pooja, devotion and such but when I get asana involved at that same level, the whole thing becomes even more and as much as I may complain when it gets deep that is really where I love it to be.

I have a lot of judgment about things. I swore I'd never fall in love again(with someone in human form, only with God), I swore many, many things actually now that I start to list them, so I just won't. I like to judge things and put them in a little box in my mind and so there they can be nice and neat and not bugging me unless I take them from their slot and open that particular box. But India being the hottest of chaos that it is often reminds me that no, this type of thing is not acceptable. Those boxes will be thrown off the truck and dismantled completely! lol, and so that began again once I got here on January 28th from Germany, again. How do I forget every time, but I do. I like to think it's because I'm so present that I keep only in focus that which is in front of me, but that's a lie I'm sure. I'm not that good.

And so I set about to redefine my connection to my asana practice after 18 years. It changes quite often but I'd lost touch with how to make it feel spiritual again, and Sharmila showed me how to do that. But this is not about my adoration of her again, it's about what that means when the connection transforms into more and better. I also was shown that there are people out there worthy of being in a relationship with, that it can still be a spiritual thing, so that judgment was also redefined. And others about specific people, things, ideas, all have recently been shown to me as something else now. I guess the point being nothing is one way and we shouldn't believe it will only be that one way always and forever more...lol.

I love it when it's sticky, those areas are where the real work begins. What do I mean by sticky? I mean, when you want to get attached to a certain aspect of it, "judge it" as I say above. IT IS THIS WAY, AND ONLY THIS WAY SHALL IT BE FOREVER MORE! That's a lie and I know it, but it makes me feel more comfortable and safe. But how many times have a I written about my comfort zone and the damage I do to myself and my connection to spirit when I get stuck in this space? Many just in case you don't actually know the answer...

Sticky is when you find a good juicy spot and want to just stay in there, be with it only for a long, long time. Rather than just sucking it up, moving on to the next time when it could be just the opposite and you'll feel fabulous, flowing and with ease. Or then the next time again when it sucks, feels like you're in mud and trying to swim. The best place is when you can sit with whichever of those things comes up and be okay with it. The best tools of doing this within the asana practice is breath, bandhas and dristhi. Systematically keep bringing those things back into focus and they will shift your perception of life all around you, then you are stepping into the area of tapasya, or tapas.

You also have to be willing to take this into even a great, soft, easy space. Looking at it like, oh am I comfortable? Yes, why? And is it going to be me sitting in this for a long time? Yes, okay this time that's okay and then it can kick my butt later, or no, this time I need to be on top of it and move it to a new place so I don't get complacent in my own growth. Hmmm, yes, even in the good times keep a discerning eye on it, dristhi, and focus it back to where it will best serve you. Or not, it's up to you, but those things you're ignoring are not going to go away, they will just get bigger. And if I learned one thing in Goa with Sharmila it was about keeping that in focus... Am I going in the direction I need to be going, bringing will to the flow, and yet still going with the flow. YES! I'm doing my best to do so right now. Am I completely successful all the time? No, but fuck it, I'm doing my best.

Are you? If you're not don't get caught up in judging yourself, just notice and move back in the direction you want your life to go. That's what I'm trying to do with my judgment, of self and others. It feels like its working so far, so keep me in check if you see me, and I'll do the same for you. Or not, but we're still in it together, whether in physical form or not we're all connected so making it the best you can be for that moment only adds to the critical mass that we're all working on, know it or not. Which direction do you want our critical mass to go?!? Up to you...

Slaying the demons!

If you know me on Instagram or Facebook, I post a lot of images depicting the Goddess in her many varied forms slaying demons. In the scriptures it was often she who did the slaying because she symbolized raw, organic power, known as shakti and sometimes it took that to defeat these demons.

The symbolism is that it's an inner battle, not an outer one. Although you can use the images, stories or chanted verses to build up the energy from the outside in to help yourself move past your self-defeating inner voice. I often do this, but you gotta do it until you can feel that she has won, or that the tension has released in your body, that's an indication often than you've moved through the energetic block. Not always meaning its gone, but that you've won the battle for that day at least.

My friend just said to me in a chat "To arrive at true faith, one has to go past collective doubt, pretension and fear." Then continued with a talk about his beloved grandfather moving beyond the trappings of usual tradition and ritual to soothe the pain caused by said tradition, which is amazing and exactly what I want to be able to do with my teaching, with my friendship, with my love for you in any capacity.

This morning I felt a draw to go up Chamundi Hill. Chamundeshwari, more popularly known as Durga (unless you read the Devi Mahatmyam, then Chamunda is Kali specifically, another reason why I like going up there) who in the story defeated the buffalo demon named Mahisasura who was in a tyrannic rule over Mysuru (which is even an Anglicized version of his name, Mahisuru, or Mahisapura. The town being named after him). And she did it on the top of that hill, so there is a big temple up there. There are 1034 steps (although most will tell you 1008, but I've counted them lol) that one can walk up to the top and visit the temple there obtaining the blessings of the Goddess, and then down again. Which symbolizes trekking from the root chakra to the crown chakra cleaning the way of karma and samskaras as you go. Or if you're lazy, you can just drive up and get a similar feeling if you're so inclined to visualise and feel these things releasing.

Anyhow, I went up there, driving slowly, chanting on the way. Thinking of old patterns that were no longer serving me, or my "demons" if you will, and allowing them to fall away as I went. Some were stubborn so as I said in her temple behind her I imagined she coming out and slaying them with all the weapons in all her ten arms and then they becoming a whole part of the energy of myself and the universe. So rather than destroy them, embracing them and what they symbolised for me at that moment, so they become integrated.

I felt very full after this, but then went into the Mahabaleshwara temple behind it, an ancient Shiva temple that was actually there before the Chamundeshwari one was there. I did the same, sat, felt blessed and blissful then left, walking slowly, intentionally, looking people in the eye with a smile and a prayer even sometimes. Got on my scooter and went down the hill, slowly and softly, feeling the peace come over me. Then on the way through town I stopped at my favourite temple in Agrahara and sat and ate the prasadam they offered me, feeling even more cleansed and blessed. I googled this temple in Lakshmipuram that was funded by Pattabhi Jois and went by, finally, I'd been wondering about it for years. It was closed but now I know where it lies so I can visit before I leave next week.

Then finally as I pulled into Gokulam I purchased flowers and went to my little Kali temple, she being the symbol of the most raw, organic, and ancient (Adya in Sanskrit) form of Shakti to finish off the job of clearing myself energetically. And that rawness is why I love Kali, she will do whatever it takes to move past or through the thing you're holding on to. She is a strong, touch, let loving part of your inner self that we all can draw on. Even in this way of visualising, feeling her be there and slicing to shreds these things you're working on. It can happen, not quickly, but a bit at a time. As I did over the last many years, slowly found ways to let go and let god in.

Anyhow, that was my Tuesday so far and it's only 1:30pm, before that I practiced with a friends and helped him with his drop backs and then ate breakfast. So it's been a full one and yet is still not finished. See you soon!

Yoga, not just asana...

I was intending to write a peaceful, loving letter of sorts about this amazing inner space I discovered while in Goa practicing with Sharmila Desai. But instead since I've been back here in Mysore I'm hearing so much about asana, asana, asana and it just made me decide to write about that.

I of course am happy to again be enjoying my asana practice after my time with her, it was getting to be an area of contention for me. Not because I hate them, but because I thought I was getting too old and was just going to have to let go of some of them. My body was having issues doing the full practice daily lately and it gets old having to seemingly fight with your own limbs to get them to make these shapes.

What happened? I changed my relationship with them. Sharmila has a very spiritual and healing approach to the practice, somehow when you arrive in her space you feel very, very calm and allowing. In that state of mind your body opens up and allows more to happen. But also there is an air of magic there, where you feel as if more is possible, as if no, you're not too old. And in my case I just had to let go of caring about the asanas.

Yes, my relationship to them changed in that I now could give a shit less. If I never go further, who cares? If I get stuck and can't do ALL the postures I'm "supposed" to be doing, who cares? And so on... But apparently I did care, I am teaching these asanas so I figure I need to be doing them. But the magic of this specific situation is that when I decided I just don't care anymore, I'm going to breathe, lift my bandhas and focus on my dristhi only (admittedly after a very good conference with Sharmila) and not worry about anything except coming to my mat and doing what I can do with my focus on these things. Then all shifted. And likely it was because of the healing space she has created in her shala there in Goa but that space has been created because she is a healer and wants you to feel whole.

What is feeling whole? It to me is feeling this deep, inner connection within oneself. Having enough faith to listen to the inner voice that we all have and actually do the things that feel like the right things for you that moment. Then being okay with whatever decision you've made, not judging it or having self doubt. These are the things that need to be in full blossom within our lives, not doing Viranchasana A or B from third series, although they can be fun as well, but they are just tools to getting us to feel this way.

People seem to be scared of me as a teacher, I'm not sure why but once people experience the approach I take and realise that I'm just a big teddy bear (no, I mean big, loving and squishy, not a bear like you think I mean lol) then they get over it and are happy. I'm not saying I'm good for everyone, we all have those things we want and connect to in a teacher and I'm certainly not all things to all people. But if you give me a try you usually get all that I've been writing about here.

Sharath was strong with me, but also very soft. If I could hold a posture after he helped me get there, then he let me pass so I'm inclined to do the same, unless I see that the work there would be good for someone. But to me it's so not about these postures, it's about our relationship to ourselves. Once we heal that connection then we can be there more fully for all the other connections we have in our day, in our life. Once you're there fully for yourself, then you can be there more fully for others.

Most people only worry about others, thinking it's selfish to worry about oneself. It was definitely the way I was raised and I'd had arguments with family about how selfish this Hindu stuff seems. No, it's not. If you're a crazy, fucking mess of a sub-human and are trying to help all these others then you usually just bring that crazy, fucked up energy to their life as well. And so, healer, heal thyself. No I can't remember where that quote is from, but you get my point right?

So in what ways can you change your relationship with your asana practice? With yourself? With the way you interact with the outer world? Did you ever think that maybe your outer world is a manifestation of your inner world? Clean that inner world up and see how the outer world changes...

Much love.

Age...postures...yoga?... too many things to list.

I look in the mirror lately and I don't recognise myself. What is changing? I do not know. Do I care if I look old or older? Not really no. I care how I feel, and most days I feel very good and very young. Much younger than I did in my 20s, even most of my 30s.

So why is age on my mind lately? Well, I'm not sure. Often lately I've found myself saying how I'm old or older so my perspective is different, maybe in the saying of it too often I'm creating an old feeling within myself. Who knows.

I was told recently I look like I'm in my 20s, I was also told this week I look in my 40s and one even said I could be 70. That one hurt I think, hurt my ego. My ego doesn't even like that I look in my 40s. Why not? I am in my 40s lol. But that's how the ego works, right? Maybe not, I don't really know anymore. I used to always think I knew everything, now as I'm getting older I realise I don't know a fucking thing!

And that's just fine by me. Knowing things puts you in a position to be "over" other people and I have no desire to be that. I have only a desire to surrender these days. And in that desire I decided to go to see Kali in Dakshineswar and to the Kamakhya temple in Assam. Both are places of high Shakti, divine feminine energy, or rather just energy. Shakti is the fullest expression of it. I also cancelled this trip, convincing myself that I should go to the mountains instead, have a different type of intense time. But I realise now why I was fearful to go. I just think I would have stayed there, in that powerful energy. I have a deep longing to be a Shakta monk, just to worship the goddess and serve in temples of her fiercer aspects.

That may seem crazy to you but until you feel that longing you wouldn't understand so I'm not going to explain any further. Last summer when I was reading Ramakrishna's biography is when I realized that this was the feeling I was having for some time now, just to serve Ma. I also feel like I'm doing this in my Ashtanga Yoga teaching, it's empowering and helps you work through your mental and emotional issues and teaches you to tap into that inner shakti. So it is definitely part of that path.

But this will all work itself out. I even booked my trip to Uttarkashi and then changed it, now going to Goa to practice and with a female teacher whom I respect, so that will be tapping me deeper into both the yoga and the goddess principle. When I come back I'll plan a trip to Dakshineswar and Kamakhya, in the fall probably. That's the cooler time to go there anyway...

This also leads me to postures. I had many posts I wanted to write and didn't want to lump them all in together but I also don't have enough focus today to write many different ones lol, but posture has come up a lot lately. In what way? Well, being stopped seems to be a big focus.

People don't like being stopped at the posture they cannot do. Or rather should I say, their ego doesn't like being stopped. That is how I'll link the age part to this one. Ego is a big thing in society, especially in Western society. It also has been the downfall of empires, so one needs to watch out for it. We are meant to have them, meant to use them, not allow them to use us... Allowing them free reign is where the problems start. But there are tools to get them under control, and in yoga they are many, so we can work with them, rather than allow them to work us any old way.

And as I've mentioned before I had an easier time learning up through middle of third series when I was in my 30s but after a 4 year break and being a decade older than when I was learning that I again began with Pasasana and was stopped here for 3 seasons with Sharath. Of course my first trip I was stopped at Marichasana D and then at Supta Kurmasana for a month and then at drop backs. But Pasasana proved to be my breaking point.

My ego knew that my body had been able to do this before and so was upset that it wasn't happening again this time, so decided to push and push and I had a lot of trouble from this. The trouble was all mental and emotional though, my body faired pretty well. Sharath had wanted me to mostly stay in Primary series so that my back could get open and strong and then add on, and it worked, still is working as I'm doing intermediate I'm doing full primary, not splitting it and its working for me just fine for now. But Pasasana was really the breaking point for my ego and my emotional body.

This process was one of growth though, it was very intense, still can be but I'm definitely gaining a lot from it. Becoming more balanced, becoming more grounded. Any time I leave India I lose Pasasana, not completely, but often I can only still touch fingering rather than bind. And then again it cause my ego big issues lol, not lol when I'm in the midst of it happening but still now at this moment I can laugh about it. But it can cause me much inner turmoil once it goes away again each time. In fact this time back in India it has come back very slowly.

But this isn't about my issues with Pasasana, it's about getting stopped and the ego. Why is it so horrible to be stopped? We're mostly doing the same practice daily anyway for years upon years, the growth happens at these stopping points. It doesn't happen when it's all coming easily to us and is there anything wrong with that? No, not at all, good for you if you're one of those people. But often when every posture comes easily and then you meet one that is hard it really bruises the ego, right? And what is wrong with that? The Western approach is to fulfil the ego fully, which is another type path because then you get to a point where you realise there is no depth and you seek for it. But within Ashtanga Yoga you get handed your ego on a platter often and it hurts, but it only hurts your mind, not you really. and is a point of expansion of the inner self.

Don't skip postures you can't do unless you could always do them and now have gotten older or have an injury or something. Embrace where you are and be there, not looking for something new, just being with what is, okay? This can be yoga.

Yoga is the union of the inner self with the outer self, the union of me and you, the uniting of whatever two things or more you are attempting to bring together. It really means a yoke, to yoke the oxen to the cart, so it can even be just the physical aspect, such as the asana. And in the asana it is mostly about your mind, your emotions and your body all coming into sync and the products that come of that. Which is often just the softening of the mental expectations and acceptance of the present moment, but can be more as well.

Anyhow, all of this can be yoga. My union with the goddess I'm craving, which is really just a deepening of my connection with all the aspects of my inner Self. The postures which are a deepening of the connection between my mind, spirit and body. The yoga, which can be any of it if your intention is pure and constant, with focus.

Where are you in all this?

Left Hand Path...

I'm rereading the book Aghora, written by Robert Svoboda a well respected Ayurveda teacher about his guru Vimalananda who was an Aghori.

Culturally in India they use the right hand for all auspicious activities and the left hand for only killing animals and wiping their excrement. But in the idea of the left hand path it honors those things which may not be popularly part of the Hindu rituals in the mainstream, but none the less they are not invalid to many. Aghora is such a path, that invites many things that most humans would think of as disgusting and despicable and shows that they also are valid steps to God realisation because everything really can be.

This is also an idea in the Tantrik path which is also mostly considered a left hand path even though there are Tantrik rituals in Buddhism, Hinduism, in many other isms. Even the Hatha Yoga path is truly considered a Tantrik path so anyone who does asanas most days could be thought of as Tantrikas.

Now in mainstream society these things, Aghora and Tantrik, are thought of as the darker side of things. Even black magic in India. Mostly it seems that Shiva worshippers, but even more so, Shaktas, or goddess worshippers fall into these two categories more than any other. But to me they are just words and the real rasam, or juice, is in the ritual and how it feels. If it feels like you're so full to bursting after a meditation or visualisation or even just sitting, then maybe you're on the right track. Now I don't mean full to bursting from food, although food could be part of the path.

Many Aghora practitioners eat the flesh off dead bodies just to be reminded of impermanence and that nothing isn't sacred. In fact many Goddess cults eat meat, almost all Goddess temples sacrifice animals, especially the Kamakhya temple in Assam that I'm about to embark on a pilgrimage to. Do these things bother me? No, not really. I can chose to make the discipline of it me not eating meat and get a lot of juice from that. Even though I still sometimes eat fish, although its very few and far between and I really have to be craving it, my friend said to me that in his mind that is my version of eating flesh for my Aghori rituals lol. So I guess it can be part of it, but I also feel the tapas from abstaining is just as powerful.

This is one of the things I love is that on this path you can find the rituals, do your version of them and get the connection from it. When I realised that I'm a Kali worshipper a couple years back and wanted to deepen my experience of that a friend in California informed me of this pooja you can do nightly involving chanting of her names and offering her meat and whisky each night as part of that, I found out you can do it also by offering fruit, flowers and yourself, or symbolically your heart as the meat and it is just as powerful, maybe even more so to me. I still to this day am doing this evening mantra and offering of my heart to her and the purposes she puts in front of me daily.

I think I was born to be on this left hand path, even though technically I'm right handed (my sister is left handed though) I have always leaned to the thoughts that most would consider outside the box. Outside the box in fact is the only thing I know and consider "normal" in my life. Always have. Even though I didn't know that until someone told me that I think this way. All I know is that what feels right in my gut is what I do, and when I can feel my heart open up and burst from the inside out it really, really tells me that what I'm doing is worth it.

In fact I would say that the path of yoga was often considered a left hand path, when you read about how people used to be scared of yogis stealing their children and so many other things that we would deem "wrong" then you might realise this also. But yoga, a term I do use very loosely, has become so saccharine these days. So involved only with the lovey dovey, light glowing from within type stuff that people have left the dark by the wayside. Often to their own detriment because we all have some dark and to embrace it and move through it is just as important as any other psychological work we can do.

Even Mysore these days feels this way to me, too much focused on the asana and the clean aspects of things. Not that those are bad things by any means, but its not complete. There is so much more. Let us embrace it all as something that can transform us. Transformation is really what yoga, including the asana practice, is to me. Transforming ourselves into what? Who knows. I can barely answer that question for myself, but you have to be the one to answer it for you.

Even now as I plan this short trip in a week or so I get nervous about leaving because Mysore is so comfortable, but while comfortable is okay for me it is not where the growth happens and I'm feeling growth and I don't want that feeling to stagnate. So I go to Dakshineswar, an area outside Kolkata (a city I have no real desire to go to partially because it holds 26 million people amongst other things in its reputation) that houses a Kali temple. Not an ancient one that is a Shakti peeth, google that if you don't know, but one that is very powerful. Powerful enough that I read a whole book about it. It's where Ramakrishna spent much of his life worshipping the goddess. I look forward to being there soon. Also going to the Kamakhya temple in Assam, an even further away place but a powerful one. The story of Sati, the first wife of Shiva, is a long one but the gist of it is that after she had immolated herself on a fire to diss her father Shiva was so upset that he carried her dead body around for years and years, even centuries. Vishnu and the other gods needed him for his destructive duties so Vishnu himself slowly started chopping off pieces of the body and as they fell to ground there lies a Shakti peeth, a place of power where the goddess is worshipped strongly so therefore creates its own energetic field. There are 52 and interesting to read about, so do Google it. Each one even lists which part of her body fell there. Yes I know, its kind of gross to the western mind that one god chopped up the dead lover of another but in the slow process Shiva came back to his senses and took on his duties again, and besides Sati was reborn as Parvati and they were reunited after she convinced him through 10,000 years of tapas that it was her, but that's another story.

So the Kamakhya temple is where Sati's yoni fell. If you're one of those saccharine yogis you may even still know the word yoni. If not, google it hahahahah. Yes, I'm being a dick, but to explain these things is not the point of my entry this day. So the feminine energy is strong there. And they also have temples to all ten of the Mahavidyas which I'm excited to see as well.

Then I think I'll come back to Mysore for a bit to integrate, then leave again to go to Uttarkashi and visit the Kali temple there where I had such profound experiences last summer, for a week or two anyway, before I leave to go teach in the US, Germany and then back to Mysore to practice with my teacher again in July hopefully.

So here I go, to get uncomfortable again. I'm even having trouble going to the guy to book my tickets to fly to these places, so the discomfort has already started! lol

Do you look always for your comfort zone, and just sit in it? Or do you welcome being uncomfortable and embrace the openings and expansion it can bring to your heart and soul? Just something to contemplate and maybe test yourself with...

Faith...

I live my life based on this simple five letter word.

People think I'm crazy, but it's the only thing really that keeps me going. I believe things will be okay, I trust that the universe, God, Goddess, Kali, Yeshua, whatever you want to call it, the force even, will take care of me because I'm living my life the best way I can.

Could I use more money? Sure, of course. Could I be happier? Sure, yes. Could there be more opportunity on the horizon? For sure! Do I have money? Yes, enough. Am I happy? Yes, plenty so, most of the time. Is there opportunity now? Yes, New Jersy teaching, St. Louis Teaching, Köln teaching, the hopefully practicing with Sharath again in July and August.

Sounds pretty good to me, yes? I feel good about everything coming up. I feel good about everything going on right now. I generally feel good.

Is this every day? No, I'm human. I feel dark and the darkness wins sometimes, but I can usually get back into balance.

Is dark bad? No, should it be? We all have it. You turn on the light in the room and even then there is still dark little corners, or under the bed, or in the closet, or you shadow even. So dark is a part of us, why not embrace it?

I embrace mine. I even think my interest in Kali is all about this. Embracing the dark within me. Embracing the inner feminine, as well as the masculine since she's so fiercely portrayed. But also embracing the light that shines through the darkness. Both things are valid. Weird things happen in life when you embrace who you are fully. But they bring about balance and an understanding of yourself more and more.

Even at this goddess temple the other night, and this is a fierce version of the goddess worshipped in a little village at the edge of Mysore who guards weapons. But most of the fierce goddesses are associated with Kali like qualities, so require blood. They do egg rituals, sacrifice chickens (I'm told), and many other things that are often considered "black magic" or "tantrik" rituals. A scab I had randomly popped off and the blood flowed out freely, my friend said "oh see, she wants your blood as payment for her protection." I've had a similar thing happen like this before. But now the cut is completely healed, not even 28 hours later. The egg rituals are to remove the connection bad spirits have with you, a lady last night there even had her scooter done because it kept getting hit! lol

I love this stuff, it's like stuff of legend to me and yet here it is, still being done in the present day and more importantly believed in. Yes, they have faith, and more that than anything I believe will change the course of events for these people. For myself too. This is what I'm writing about.

Have faith in something, believe it will always work out for you, know that the money will be there when needed, that the care needed at any given time will come to you, that the friend will be there or you will be there for them when needed. Just in general Have Faith!

How? Now that I can't help you with. How is your thing. But I wouldn't worry about how too much, more the why. Why? Because it feels good and if feeling better is good for you, then do that thing that will make you feel better. Nothing wrong with this, f someone judges you that you're being selfish tell them "hell yes I am!" And there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel good, or better than you did before. Finding something to believe in is better than almost anything else, yourself would be the best thing to believe in. But often that's hard because of how wrong and egotistical we're taught this is.

Fuck that. Feel good, even if the only reason to feel good is because then you're in a better place to help others. But there's nothing wrong with just wanting to feel good either, or feel it and feel what's better than that, and go there.

Now I've got George Michael stuck in my head, "But I gotta have faith, faith, faith..." LOL

Why?

Why are we all so obsessed with having things we don't really need? Why are we so worried about what others think (which often leads to us purchasing those things we do not need so we appear to be better, or happy, in the having of them)?

Why is there so little awareness of how we feel (which when cultivated can help us so much in figuring out what is right for us)?

Why do we need so much attention from others (in my case I've been told I'm very dramatic a lot lately by a couple people I really like so I'm working on understanding why I'm like this, to draw attention? Maybe...)? And why do we think in the having of said attention we will be so much happier? The most attention we need is from ourselves, really.

Why is it that when we get in a comfort zone we stay there when being uncomfortable usually can create so much growth in us? Why are we so scared of growth?

Why does self care seem like a selfish act? It is of course but in only the best of ways, when we take care of ourselves we are more free to be there more fully for others if needed or to live by example so others can see how beneficial it can be to work on oneself and be inspired to do so.

Why do we always want that person who does not want us in return? Is it because we don't feel worthy? I myself often get crushes on straight guys, now I'm very happy to be close friends with them but somewhere I'm aching for more. But everyone does this, girls on gay men, guys on girls who have no interest at all. Are we this self defeating all the time? Why?!?

Why am I always asking why? Well, I guess there is nothing wrong in the questioning of things all the time, it's how I can learn and grow from the inside out. I'm usually just asking it inside myself, not in a blog or Facebook post.

Why on earth does it matter?!? Does what matter? Anything. Nothing is wrong, all is going the way it is going, whether or not we like it so why can't we just make peace with it? In the making peace with something we can give ourself the permission inwardly to feel what we're feeling and allow in more, newer or "better" things, or more of the same if we don't change our patterns. Or is nothing wrong? Or is everything wrong? Or is the concept of "wrong" wrong?

Why must everything always be labeled right or wrong? When both ideas are relative to each individual? There really is no purpose in so doing, so I'm working on not doing so. It's not easy especially when you're raised Baptist with such a strong sense imposed upon you of what is supposed to be right or wrong. But again, my right is your wrong, your wrong could be my right.

As was stated by Swami Sharananda in the movie Enlighten Up! "you are the mostest important person in the world!" Why? Because from your body you determine east, west, north and south, from you you determine what is right for you, what is wrong for you. From you you make all the decisions, from the context of what you have lived up to that very moment all of your decisions have been influenced. Or can you be in complete equanimity and just accept what comes to you as it is for what it is, with no ideas put upon it? I doubt any of us can. Even those of us working on yoga.

Yoga Sutras state when one emotion is bothering you, cultivate the opposite one. Then and there only can you learn to find the equanimity in that situation. So maybe that is my goal. Or is to have goals even too much for this world? We are all okay the way we are. Or should I say we all have the ability to be okay and to make peace with where, who and what we are at this very moment.

And maybe, just maybe, in the cultivating of this we can make space to allow in the stuff we really want. Or do we want or need stuff? Should we have goals at all? And should those goals including wanting stuff at all?

I love this concept from Aghora: At the Left Hand of God which states that if you're thinking of something all the time, then Ma (the mother Goddess) will give it to you, give it all to you, and then in the having of so much of it you will find that maybe you don't need it so much and then you'll find balance in the having a bit of it, or none of it. I've paraphrased this of course but its an idea I've bandied about a lot lately. How much is too much? Of which thing? What does it matter? Of all things! We only need so much of some things, less of others, and none of even others that we really think we need. So are we defining ourselves by these? Or are we just being and not caring? Maybe one or the other, or both!

But who cares. Why do I care? Maybe I don't really. Maybe I'm just exploring ideas and in so by putting them out there inviting to you to do so as well. There is only that which you decide there to be, anyway. So self inquire, get in touch, feel it out, be present, don't be present if you prefer. But don't ever blame anyone else for your life except you. And embrace it, welcome it in and then it will be more peaceful and loving and full.

Suprabhatham...

>[?This word which I've entitled this entry means good morning in Kannada, the local language here in Mysore, deep in the state of Karnataka in the South of India, or Bharat as the people call her. Or there are many other names as well. I like Bharat actually but if I say this to non-Indians they don't know what I'm talking about.

I was just driving the scooter back from the Ganesh temple after having been to Sri Durga for breakfast and I saw the students around the coconut stand drinking their nutrition back into their bodies after sweating profusely in the main shala under the watchful eye of Saraswathi, the mother of my Ashtanga teacher and the daughter of the first person I ever called Guru, or Guruji more often, K. Pattabhi Jois.

I also noticed the lady across the road from the coconut stand making her breakfast meals and the people walking to their morning destinations, some of which will inevitably stop at the coconut stand or her stand for food. Some riding their children or grand children to school, three to a scooter, or ten inside a rickshaw, somehow. Some just sitting and smoking cigarettes or drinking chai at Amruth or back where I had eaten already at Sri Durga.

Many in cars or on motorcycles or scooters heading out to start their day. Many students who'd finished their morning asana practice already wondering what on earth there is to do now since for many that is the point of their whole day. Some will take trips this afternoon to nearby locations, some will just sleep and laze about the cafes all day, many will do nothing and many will work on their laptops wondering how others are able to save up enough to come here and not have to work while they sit at home and suffer through long days of typing and looking at screens that are slowly destroying their eyesight.

But I thought suddenly on this drive, god, I can't imagine not feeling at home here. I can't imagine not being here at least the majority of the year. I love this little town, not just Gokulam, but Mysore. And yes I know many on this planet would not call a city of two million plus people a little town, but here in Bharat it is just that. But it feels like home and the more I drive around during the day and evening, running errands or shopping or doing whatever it is that I manage to do here I feel at home and at peace.

That does not mean it is an easy place to be. Yes Mysore is often called the Beverly Hills of India because it has been so westernized by the frequenting of yoga students from around the globe but it is still India and is not an easy place to be. For me now I get frustrated much less than I used to, and much less than those who only stay here for a short while every so often to practice their yoga at the source.

Recently it's been cemented that I'm going back to the U.S. to teach for a friend on the east coast in New Jersey and then visiting my students back in St. Louis, although that ticket hasn't been bought yet so it's not settled just yet. But it's most likely I'm going back. But I've found since this trip is for sure now I am feeling anxious about it, not about teaching, that is where my heart is. Not about visiting my old hometown because family is there and old friends, my students, and a whole city I lived in for a very long time. But about all that is going on there these days.

That president for gods sake and the ridiculous things he's done or said. Enabling the ridiculous behaviors of all the rest of the country people who are still living in a bubble where only rich white men live, or at least that's what they think anyway. The school shooting that just happened again. The way people don't seem to care about their health and mental well being enough to do anything about it.

Now, I'm saying this in general based on where I used to live and the articles and posts I'm seeing on social media. Not all fit this bill, but many do and are less than interested in changing themselves enough to actually do anything about their lives.

I'm not down on the U.S., or actually maybe I am. But I'm okay in feeling this way. One of the driving principles upheld by the constitution is freedom of speech. I've even heard veterans say they fought in their wars just so the people would be able to protest them if that is how they felt, which is not how everyone acts there, but it is how it should be. If you believe in something you do it whether or not you're supported in the so doing of it, right? That's how I try to live my life.

I often wonder about the lack of self enquiry. And yes this is changing, but not quickly enough. I know the culture is based mostly on Christian beliefs but I do know Christians who do really deep work on themselves and encourage others to as well. This could help the whole thing. I'm hoping this is something that will change sooner than later, with all the "yoga" people seem to be doing there one would think it would be happening.

But actually most are only doing asana, not trying to use the asana to stimulate a state of yoga. Yoga is supposed to be hard, Hatha Yoga even carries a meaning that speaks to this. One meaning is Ha, sun and Tha, moon, so balanced out the two polarities. But the other meaning is with pressure, or with force, or willfully doing something. And yes, any form of physical asana practice falls under the umbrella of Hatha Yoga. So it's not meant to be easy and make you feel good only. It's meant to be used to transform yourself into the best possible version of you that you can achieve.

It's meant to be a deep self enquiry through using the eight limbs to work through your issues and by example inspire others to do so as well. Not only that but through the asana practice keep the energy flowing in the body, keep the blood circulating and the muscles working that this enquiry has a physical foundation with which to happen on.

Maybe I'm holding too high of standards here, but these are the reasons I started yoga and the consciousness, awareness, clarity, and alertness that I've achieved through this is why I chose to leave my home country. And at the same time it's why I'm anxious to return only just two shorts years after leaving. But I also have hope. I believe things can be better, and so that means they can start getting better at any time, not just in the far future but in the now. And in talking to many friends who are still in St. Louis I see that they are doing the best they can to achieve these things within themselves and within the community around them.

So I'll go and enjoy and be present while at the same time know I'm coming back here to my beloved Bharat sooner rather than later. But I still have two more months to go here, so why am I even worrying about all this just yet?!? Oh yes, we like to worry about shit don't we? Hahahaha, even when we are aware of it, so I'm just going to embrace how I'm feeling and move forward with it and enjoy my time here in Mysore for now. And I'll travel a little bit before I leave as well, and that I look forward to as well.

It's a beautiful day here right now AND I'm going to see Black Panther very shortly, after visiting my little Kali temple. What are you doing today?