It seems like everything is conspiring to keep me open these days. What does that mean?
To me it means open hearted, open minded, just open. Not closed off in my ideas of things and the way I think they should be. Don't should on yourself...
I tend to fall into patterns of "shoulding" and it's not good. In fact I think all of us do this. I'm experiencing that here in New Jersey, I experience it almost everywhere I go. Except in Goa.
In Goa just recently I was practicing with a very open hearted and loving teacher, who gives her everything to you and in her room you feel inspired to give your everything to your practice, but not in a pushing sort of way, in a allowing sort of way. Yes, I'm open to more of this happening, and so then it does once you've relaxed your mind around the idea that it can happen. But I wrote many times about my experiences with her.
My roommate there also was very open and ready to have any experience she believed god was throwing at her, and that's very inspiring to me also because I often close myself off. I may seem open to many people, but that really just shows you how closed off you are lol, I'm closed off for me, but I see it and open back up.
In Goa I met a guy that I never would have been open to meeting before, not because he was dark skinned, which he was, he is, not for any superficial reasons like that. But because I felt something stir when we chatted, which is a big sign that ohhh, this is different. We then met in person and took a long drive together, went to the sea and swam, ate lunch, spent many hours snogging, shagging, talking, more talking, snuggling, more talking, and boom. 10 hours go by and you just don't realise it. My friend there said "what were you doing yesterday I didn't see you anywhere all day long!" I said "oh, I had a date, it lasted about 10 hours." He then said "ummm, 10 hours isn't a date honey, that's love..."
Was it love? Well, maybe, but not the attached, can't live without you or I'll slit my wrists, can't let you out of my sight type of love. So maybe I'm in a new place about love. There it is again, the universe took that day to show me where I"d been closed off again and boom, took it away from me. Now you're going to be open about this too bitch, it said, hahahaha! And I am.
I am still in touch with this person, and one other who I was already dating a bit in Mysore, and the idea of being with someone now is not a bad thing to me. In fact it goes well with how my life is right now. Flying here and teaching, flying there and teaching, settling in one spot for some months, then moving again and again, then settling. This type of understanding of what love is or can be is really conducive with the traveling lifestyle. But it's not just that, it's the being open to love that's the really powerful thing, being open altogether is really where it is anyway.
After that time in Goa with Sharmila, a certified Ashtanga teacher, I came to New Jersey and lived with another certified Ashtanga teacher, Kino, both are well known and for very different reasons. But both are very valid in their devotion and dedication to this method of yoga practice and have many things to offer their students, and both are very open. So in being around them, having conversations with them and practicing in their rooms you are affected by their openness.
I originally wanted to write one entry about being back in the U.S. and how strange everything feels, and then another one comparing the two different teachers I'd just spent time with and how their teachings are amazing in very different ways, but right now in this state of being very open I'm finding I want to focus on the sameness we all share, on the oneness that is possible to see if one just looks for it. We are all trying to do our best, and we all are doing our best at that moment but the fact that it's very different from one another makes it seem less than, or more than, but it's really not. I am where I am at this moment, and I have this much to give to the moment. Whereas you are where you are and have that much to give, maybe if you qualify it it seems less than, or more than mine, but it's not. It's just yours and yours is yours and mine is mine, and even though it sound like I'm separating them in that they are the same. I can give this to you, you can give that to me and we can meet in the space where it overlaps.
But so many of us want more, I want more. She wants more. He wants more. But I really don't want more. It's not your job to fulfil me, it's my job to open up as much as possible and allow fulfilment to happen from my connection, and connection happens when we're open, not when we're not. I saw it at the Kino event, many of the attendees don't even practice Ashtanga regularly so don't have an inkling how the system really works, and it does work well, so they are wanting to talk to her and suck up her energy, and she's willing to give it. Maybe because she created this phenomenon single handedly and she knows it, but she has done her practice for as many years as I have mine and so has this openness and is connected. So she has a lot to give. Sharmila give her whole self in the Mysore room, and is a bit enigmatic outside of it. Not that she's not open and loving, but she is not a big public persona so doesn't have to be out there in the same way Kino is, but she is still out there in her garden working, accessible most of the day at her shala, or rather on the surrounding property. Both are amazing and both have much to give, but very different, but the same, but different.
So this to me is what a yogi is, someone who is in definite connection with their energy at all times, in charge of it, knowing when to be alone to recharge, keeping their practices going so as to maintain the level of energy needed to live the life they've created for themselves. And I'm working on this being my life. I'm here, I'm teaching, I'm connecting with the students quite deeply, which is the only way I know how to do it, and giving of myself, then taking other parts of my day to practice, to check out, to go see a movie, to eat and replenish this body, to be quite, to chant, to bathe, to whatever it takes to keep in balance. And whatever it takes to stay as open as possible so that I can be away which thing is needed when and how to go about it in the most efficient manner.
This entry may seem all over the place but to me it's not. I just saw a movie that made me think about relationship and the ones I've had recently, I was already thinking to write about being back in the U.S., although I didn't talk too much about that so maybe it will be another entry, and I wanted to write a post about Sharmila and Kino and my experiences with them. So I just threw it all in and opened up to allow it to come out however it did, and it feels right to me for me right now.
How open are you? Open enough to just write a stream of consciousness blog post with all your shit in it? Open enough to be a helping hand when it's needed for others, or for yourself? Open enough to know when your connection is waxing or waning? Open enough to say love to someone be it a family member, friend or someone you are having sex with, or just began dating? Love is a good word. It's been corrupted a lot lately but I still think it's synonymous with being open, if you can feel it that's a good start, if you can feel it and say it, that's even better, but if you can show it in all your deeds, that's the best. Strive to be that open!
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