Marriage

So, those who know me well know I'm probably just not the marrying type. I've also because of this never thought of the fact that gay couples not being able to marry was an issue. It seriously never entered my mind, until recently, and then I thought god, most couples I know aren't together very long at all and so if it does become legal we (the gays and lesbians of the land) will just jump start the economy with divorces!

I'm not one to give anyone relationship advice. I've dated many people, god knows I've had sex with more people than one human every should, but I've really only had one "real" relationship and we lived together for almost two years and talked about getting married, even looked at rings, but were doing it before our friends and family as a record of our love not concerning ourselves with the legality of it, but then we broke up and had sex for another 8 years until I legally changed my name when I became Sikh, that was too much for him and he cut me off, which was fine because it wasn't something he had any say in and for it to bother him more than it bothered my own mother, well that was just silly. I also dated or lived with a few couples, even dated a triple and had much more success with those although they were short term. I think it was because all the focus was not on me, it was split up and so it was always less intense to me than just a one on one relationship.

So at one point I wrote them off. I just said fuck it, I don't need anyone else. In yoga the idea of equanimity factors greatly. Meaning to me that no matter what state you're in, or rather what you are besieged with in life, you can be okay. It's all in the mind anyway, so we can control that and choose to feel okay. So I decided I would always be okay, I have my yoga practice; asanas, pranayama, meditation and chanting, to help me cultivate fulfillment in my life and so if I never had a boyfriend or lover again I'd be just fine, and for the most part that has been the case.

Then this morning when I started seeing all the announcements on Facebook about the Supreme Court passing the law that all couples can now marry I was at first unsure of what I was feeling, then it started to formulate into a feeling of being more whole. Of course, I've always been a whole person, but for it to be legal now for me to marry another man which was something I thought I'd never want, to now be a possibility... it just made my heart sing a little bit. I was very surprised that it made me feel this way. But I guess we, meaning all humans, have become so used to the restrictions put on us as a species by our own kind that it doesn't even register that we are repressed, and so when just a layer, albeit a very thin layer (yes, there is still much work to be done for all of us humans to truly be equal to one another in each others eyes), is removed it can feel so interesting that it doesn't even register what that feeling is. But as I passed through my day it dawned on me that I feel just a tiny bit less repressed than I did yesterday, an interesting thing for sure.

I read a meme online one day that made fun of humans for being the only species on this planet that has to pay to live on it and that said a lot to me. It was meant to be funny, probably ironic and yet it is also the truth. We enslave all sorts of animals in order to do our bidding so we can make money off of them, not paying them anything for it, and hell we enslave each other and yes, slavery does still exist on this planet as does repression of the sexes, sexual orientations and races and much than we even know I'm sure. We also enslave them to live with us, keep us company, have trained them to be with us for so long that I doubt they could ever survive in the wild again. And we have kind of done this to each other with the dependency on corporate America for almost everything we use daily. Lost my track on this paragraph, but the point is, that just now for one day, many of us feel just a tiny bit more free.

And that's a good feeling...

How do you feel?

I myself have not been feeling so good lately. Not feeling badly either, just neutral. Neutral is like death, there is no energy pulling through you at all and in order to have that you must feel inspired, excited, drawn to do something.

But for months now, since I had to move shortly after arriving home from India probably, I've felt neutral. I love teaching Ashtanga and am doing it in the way that I love to teach it and there are many who are enjoying that along with me, even though it is much more intense than they knew it would be. So that part of my life is fulfilling, but for some time now I've felt there is more. More what I don't know. But I had a glimpse of it this past Saturday and a few other times but this time I recognized it for what it was.

I taught the park class in the morning and many loved it and it clicked with them, so I heard that a lot which is great. I spent time with some interesting and new people to me who were putting new thoughts in my head about life and how it's to be lived and the adventure that it can be. Then I taught a workshop that was well received and the students who took it seemed to get what I was teaching and are now able to apply these things to their practice. Then the next day I realized, after spending another day teaching Mysore and chanting, but also spending a lot of it with my students, that this type of connection was what I'm looking for on a bigger scale. Not saying I want hundreds of followers, but saying like minded individuals that can support and care for one another as we move through this practice and how it affects our lives, because no one else really gets it the way that we do, well because they aren't doing this practice.

That led me to think of the many people I've met in Mysore and how close I feel to them even though I don't see them daily or speak to them all that much, so I sent a few messages and chatted with a few people. Then today we found out that Sharath is going to open this season and the date, and when we'll need to apply to get in and so much excitement came over me that my morning practice almost cruised by and seemed simple and easy, then later in the day all the messages I received made me feel even more excited because this group is also excited and this means we will all get to be with one another again and in only 5 months, if we all get in.

So, I know Abraham says you should be able to maintain this kind of feeling all the time without external circumstances being the cause of it but that we've all been trained to look to the external to keep us feeling good, so it's a new training we have to do with ourselves to get to the place that it's possible. I say that it is possible because I've been there much of the time in my life recently. Ok because I chose to be, feeling good because I chose the thoughts that led me there and didn't allow the ones that typically drag me down to do so. But sometimes, just sometimes that community spirit is alright too I think. If you can't do it on your own utilizing those who are like you and know your inner strength to help lift your spirits is just okay too. Not that Abraham would disagree but they just encourage us to be self sufficient and strong. I'm happy I've found their teachings for sure, it's changed my life, but I'm also happy that I've found a great group of people in my life, both locally and worldwide that can inspire me and help me stay higher up in my vibration.

So, I'm feeling pretty good today. Teaching this morning a great group was inspiring and helped me stay there and I chatted with a few of those great friends during the day today and I just finished a really great show on Netflix, so moving from inside to out in the feeling good arena is a pretty great and I'm glad I'm able to access that, but also when your inner being isn't feeling so amazing, using the outside to stimulate better feeling thoughts that lead to better feeling emotions that lead you to generally feeling good is okay as well.

So, how are you feeling? Can you make a choice to feel better and follow through with it? No? Then wanna hang out? Maybe I can help...