Left Hand Path...

I'm rereading the book Aghora, written by Robert Svoboda a well respected Ayurveda teacher about his guru Vimalananda who was an Aghori.

Culturally in India they use the right hand for all auspicious activities and the left hand for only killing animals and wiping their excrement. But in the idea of the left hand path it honors those things which may not be popularly part of the Hindu rituals in the mainstream, but none the less they are not invalid to many. Aghora is such a path, that invites many things that most humans would think of as disgusting and despicable and shows that they also are valid steps to God realisation because everything really can be.

This is also an idea in the Tantrik path which is also mostly considered a left hand path even though there are Tantrik rituals in Buddhism, Hinduism, in many other isms. Even the Hatha Yoga path is truly considered a Tantrik path so anyone who does asanas most days could be thought of as Tantrikas.

Now in mainstream society these things, Aghora and Tantrik, are thought of as the darker side of things. Even black magic in India. Mostly it seems that Shiva worshippers, but even more so, Shaktas, or goddess worshippers fall into these two categories more than any other. But to me they are just words and the real rasam, or juice, is in the ritual and how it feels. If it feels like you're so full to bursting after a meditation or visualisation or even just sitting, then maybe you're on the right track. Now I don't mean full to bursting from food, although food could be part of the path.

Many Aghora practitioners eat the flesh off dead bodies just to be reminded of impermanence and that nothing isn't sacred. In fact many Goddess cults eat meat, almost all Goddess temples sacrifice animals, especially the Kamakhya temple in Assam that I'm about to embark on a pilgrimage to. Do these things bother me? No, not really. I can chose to make the discipline of it me not eating meat and get a lot of juice from that. Even though I still sometimes eat fish, although its very few and far between and I really have to be craving it, my friend said to me that in his mind that is my version of eating flesh for my Aghori rituals lol. So I guess it can be part of it, but I also feel the tapas from abstaining is just as powerful.

This is one of the things I love is that on this path you can find the rituals, do your version of them and get the connection from it. When I realised that I'm a Kali worshipper a couple years back and wanted to deepen my experience of that a friend in California informed me of this pooja you can do nightly involving chanting of her names and offering her meat and whisky each night as part of that, I found out you can do it also by offering fruit, flowers and yourself, or symbolically your heart as the meat and it is just as powerful, maybe even more so to me. I still to this day am doing this evening mantra and offering of my heart to her and the purposes she puts in front of me daily.

I think I was born to be on this left hand path, even though technically I'm right handed (my sister is left handed though) I have always leaned to the thoughts that most would consider outside the box. Outside the box in fact is the only thing I know and consider "normal" in my life. Always have. Even though I didn't know that until someone told me that I think this way. All I know is that what feels right in my gut is what I do, and when I can feel my heart open up and burst from the inside out it really, really tells me that what I'm doing is worth it.

In fact I would say that the path of yoga was often considered a left hand path, when you read about how people used to be scared of yogis stealing their children and so many other things that we would deem "wrong" then you might realise this also. But yoga, a term I do use very loosely, has become so saccharine these days. So involved only with the lovey dovey, light glowing from within type stuff that people have left the dark by the wayside. Often to their own detriment because we all have some dark and to embrace it and move through it is just as important as any other psychological work we can do.

Even Mysore these days feels this way to me, too much focused on the asana and the clean aspects of things. Not that those are bad things by any means, but its not complete. There is so much more. Let us embrace it all as something that can transform us. Transformation is really what yoga, including the asana practice, is to me. Transforming ourselves into what? Who knows. I can barely answer that question for myself, but you have to be the one to answer it for you.

Even now as I plan this short trip in a week or so I get nervous about leaving because Mysore is so comfortable, but while comfortable is okay for me it is not where the growth happens and I'm feeling growth and I don't want that feeling to stagnate. So I go to Dakshineswar, an area outside Kolkata (a city I have no real desire to go to partially because it holds 26 million people amongst other things in its reputation) that houses a Kali temple. Not an ancient one that is a Shakti peeth, google that if you don't know, but one that is very powerful. Powerful enough that I read a whole book about it. It's where Ramakrishna spent much of his life worshipping the goddess. I look forward to being there soon. Also going to the Kamakhya temple in Assam, an even further away place but a powerful one. The story of Sati, the first wife of Shiva, is a long one but the gist of it is that after she had immolated herself on a fire to diss her father Shiva was so upset that he carried her dead body around for years and years, even centuries. Vishnu and the other gods needed him for his destructive duties so Vishnu himself slowly started chopping off pieces of the body and as they fell to ground there lies a Shakti peeth, a place of power where the goddess is worshipped strongly so therefore creates its own energetic field. There are 52 and interesting to read about, so do Google it. Each one even lists which part of her body fell there. Yes I know, its kind of gross to the western mind that one god chopped up the dead lover of another but in the slow process Shiva came back to his senses and took on his duties again, and besides Sati was reborn as Parvati and they were reunited after she convinced him through 10,000 years of tapas that it was her, but that's another story.

So the Kamakhya temple is where Sati's yoni fell. If you're one of those saccharine yogis you may even still know the word yoni. If not, google it hahahahah. Yes, I'm being a dick, but to explain these things is not the point of my entry this day. So the feminine energy is strong there. And they also have temples to all ten of the Mahavidyas which I'm excited to see as well.

Then I think I'll come back to Mysore for a bit to integrate, then leave again to go to Uttarkashi and visit the Kali temple there where I had such profound experiences last summer, for a week or two anyway, before I leave to go teach in the US, Germany and then back to Mysore to practice with my teacher again in July hopefully.

So here I go, to get uncomfortable again. I'm even having trouble going to the guy to book my tickets to fly to these places, so the discomfort has already started! lol

Do you look always for your comfort zone, and just sit in it? Or do you welcome being uncomfortable and embrace the openings and expansion it can bring to your heart and soul? Just something to contemplate and maybe test yourself with...

Faith...

I live my life based on this simple five letter word.

People think I'm crazy, but it's the only thing really that keeps me going. I believe things will be okay, I trust that the universe, God, Goddess, Kali, Yeshua, whatever you want to call it, the force even, will take care of me because I'm living my life the best way I can.

Could I use more money? Sure, of course. Could I be happier? Sure, yes. Could there be more opportunity on the horizon? For sure! Do I have money? Yes, enough. Am I happy? Yes, plenty so, most of the time. Is there opportunity now? Yes, New Jersy teaching, St. Louis Teaching, Köln teaching, the hopefully practicing with Sharath again in July and August.

Sounds pretty good to me, yes? I feel good about everything coming up. I feel good about everything going on right now. I generally feel good.

Is this every day? No, I'm human. I feel dark and the darkness wins sometimes, but I can usually get back into balance.

Is dark bad? No, should it be? We all have it. You turn on the light in the room and even then there is still dark little corners, or under the bed, or in the closet, or you shadow even. So dark is a part of us, why not embrace it?

I embrace mine. I even think my interest in Kali is all about this. Embracing the dark within me. Embracing the inner feminine, as well as the masculine since she's so fiercely portrayed. But also embracing the light that shines through the darkness. Both things are valid. Weird things happen in life when you embrace who you are fully. But they bring about balance and an understanding of yourself more and more.

Even at this goddess temple the other night, and this is a fierce version of the goddess worshipped in a little village at the edge of Mysore who guards weapons. But most of the fierce goddesses are associated with Kali like qualities, so require blood. They do egg rituals, sacrifice chickens (I'm told), and many other things that are often considered "black magic" or "tantrik" rituals. A scab I had randomly popped off and the blood flowed out freely, my friend said "oh see, she wants your blood as payment for her protection." I've had a similar thing happen like this before. But now the cut is completely healed, not even 28 hours later. The egg rituals are to remove the connection bad spirits have with you, a lady last night there even had her scooter done because it kept getting hit! lol

I love this stuff, it's like stuff of legend to me and yet here it is, still being done in the present day and more importantly believed in. Yes, they have faith, and more that than anything I believe will change the course of events for these people. For myself too. This is what I'm writing about.

Have faith in something, believe it will always work out for you, know that the money will be there when needed, that the care needed at any given time will come to you, that the friend will be there or you will be there for them when needed. Just in general Have Faith!

How? Now that I can't help you with. How is your thing. But I wouldn't worry about how too much, more the why. Why? Because it feels good and if feeling better is good for you, then do that thing that will make you feel better. Nothing wrong with this, f someone judges you that you're being selfish tell them "hell yes I am!" And there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel good, or better than you did before. Finding something to believe in is better than almost anything else, yourself would be the best thing to believe in. But often that's hard because of how wrong and egotistical we're taught this is.

Fuck that. Feel good, even if the only reason to feel good is because then you're in a better place to help others. But there's nothing wrong with just wanting to feel good either, or feel it and feel what's better than that, and go there.

Now I've got George Michael stuck in my head, "But I gotta have faith, faith, faith..." LOL

Why?

Why are we all so obsessed with having things we don't really need? Why are we so worried about what others think (which often leads to us purchasing those things we do not need so we appear to be better, or happy, in the having of them)?

Why is there so little awareness of how we feel (which when cultivated can help us so much in figuring out what is right for us)?

Why do we need so much attention from others (in my case I've been told I'm very dramatic a lot lately by a couple people I really like so I'm working on understanding why I'm like this, to draw attention? Maybe...)? And why do we think in the having of said attention we will be so much happier? The most attention we need is from ourselves, really.

Why is it that when we get in a comfort zone we stay there when being uncomfortable usually can create so much growth in us? Why are we so scared of growth?

Why does self care seem like a selfish act? It is of course but in only the best of ways, when we take care of ourselves we are more free to be there more fully for others if needed or to live by example so others can see how beneficial it can be to work on oneself and be inspired to do so.

Why do we always want that person who does not want us in return? Is it because we don't feel worthy? I myself often get crushes on straight guys, now I'm very happy to be close friends with them but somewhere I'm aching for more. But everyone does this, girls on gay men, guys on girls who have no interest at all. Are we this self defeating all the time? Why?!?

Why am I always asking why? Well, I guess there is nothing wrong in the questioning of things all the time, it's how I can learn and grow from the inside out. I'm usually just asking it inside myself, not in a blog or Facebook post.

Why on earth does it matter?!? Does what matter? Anything. Nothing is wrong, all is going the way it is going, whether or not we like it so why can't we just make peace with it? In the making peace with something we can give ourself the permission inwardly to feel what we're feeling and allow in more, newer or "better" things, or more of the same if we don't change our patterns. Or is nothing wrong? Or is everything wrong? Or is the concept of "wrong" wrong?

Why must everything always be labeled right or wrong? When both ideas are relative to each individual? There really is no purpose in so doing, so I'm working on not doing so. It's not easy especially when you're raised Baptist with such a strong sense imposed upon you of what is supposed to be right or wrong. But again, my right is your wrong, your wrong could be my right.

As was stated by Swami Sharananda in the movie Enlighten Up! "you are the mostest important person in the world!" Why? Because from your body you determine east, west, north and south, from you you determine what is right for you, what is wrong for you. From you you make all the decisions, from the context of what you have lived up to that very moment all of your decisions have been influenced. Or can you be in complete equanimity and just accept what comes to you as it is for what it is, with no ideas put upon it? I doubt any of us can. Even those of us working on yoga.

Yoga Sutras state when one emotion is bothering you, cultivate the opposite one. Then and there only can you learn to find the equanimity in that situation. So maybe that is my goal. Or is to have goals even too much for this world? We are all okay the way we are. Or should I say we all have the ability to be okay and to make peace with where, who and what we are at this very moment.

And maybe, just maybe, in the cultivating of this we can make space to allow in the stuff we really want. Or do we want or need stuff? Should we have goals at all? And should those goals including wanting stuff at all?

I love this concept from Aghora: At the Left Hand of God which states that if you're thinking of something all the time, then Ma (the mother Goddess) will give it to you, give it all to you, and then in the having of so much of it you will find that maybe you don't need it so much and then you'll find balance in the having a bit of it, or none of it. I've paraphrased this of course but its an idea I've bandied about a lot lately. How much is too much? Of which thing? What does it matter? Of all things! We only need so much of some things, less of others, and none of even others that we really think we need. So are we defining ourselves by these? Or are we just being and not caring? Maybe one or the other, or both!

But who cares. Why do I care? Maybe I don't really. Maybe I'm just exploring ideas and in so by putting them out there inviting to you to do so as well. There is only that which you decide there to be, anyway. So self inquire, get in touch, feel it out, be present, don't be present if you prefer. But don't ever blame anyone else for your life except you. And embrace it, welcome it in and then it will be more peaceful and loving and full.

Suprabhatham...

>[?This word which I've entitled this entry means good morning in Kannada, the local language here in Mysore, deep in the state of Karnataka in the South of India, or Bharat as the people call her. Or there are many other names as well. I like Bharat actually but if I say this to non-Indians they don't know what I'm talking about.

I was just driving the scooter back from the Ganesh temple after having been to Sri Durga for breakfast and I saw the students around the coconut stand drinking their nutrition back into their bodies after sweating profusely in the main shala under the watchful eye of Saraswathi, the mother of my Ashtanga teacher and the daughter of the first person I ever called Guru, or Guruji more often, K. Pattabhi Jois.

I also noticed the lady across the road from the coconut stand making her breakfast meals and the people walking to their morning destinations, some of which will inevitably stop at the coconut stand or her stand for food. Some riding their children or grand children to school, three to a scooter, or ten inside a rickshaw, somehow. Some just sitting and smoking cigarettes or drinking chai at Amruth or back where I had eaten already at Sri Durga.

Many in cars or on motorcycles or scooters heading out to start their day. Many students who'd finished their morning asana practice already wondering what on earth there is to do now since for many that is the point of their whole day. Some will take trips this afternoon to nearby locations, some will just sleep and laze about the cafes all day, many will do nothing and many will work on their laptops wondering how others are able to save up enough to come here and not have to work while they sit at home and suffer through long days of typing and looking at screens that are slowly destroying their eyesight.

But I thought suddenly on this drive, god, I can't imagine not feeling at home here. I can't imagine not being here at least the majority of the year. I love this little town, not just Gokulam, but Mysore. And yes I know many on this planet would not call a city of two million plus people a little town, but here in Bharat it is just that. But it feels like home and the more I drive around during the day and evening, running errands or shopping or doing whatever it is that I manage to do here I feel at home and at peace.

That does not mean it is an easy place to be. Yes Mysore is often called the Beverly Hills of India because it has been so westernized by the frequenting of yoga students from around the globe but it is still India and is not an easy place to be. For me now I get frustrated much less than I used to, and much less than those who only stay here for a short while every so often to practice their yoga at the source.

Recently it's been cemented that I'm going back to the U.S. to teach for a friend on the east coast in New Jersey and then visiting my students back in St. Louis, although that ticket hasn't been bought yet so it's not settled just yet. But it's most likely I'm going back. But I've found since this trip is for sure now I am feeling anxious about it, not about teaching, that is where my heart is. Not about visiting my old hometown because family is there and old friends, my students, and a whole city I lived in for a very long time. But about all that is going on there these days.

That president for gods sake and the ridiculous things he's done or said. Enabling the ridiculous behaviors of all the rest of the country people who are still living in a bubble where only rich white men live, or at least that's what they think anyway. The school shooting that just happened again. The way people don't seem to care about their health and mental well being enough to do anything about it.

Now, I'm saying this in general based on where I used to live and the articles and posts I'm seeing on social media. Not all fit this bill, but many do and are less than interested in changing themselves enough to actually do anything about their lives.

I'm not down on the U.S., or actually maybe I am. But I'm okay in feeling this way. One of the driving principles upheld by the constitution is freedom of speech. I've even heard veterans say they fought in their wars just so the people would be able to protest them if that is how they felt, which is not how everyone acts there, but it is how it should be. If you believe in something you do it whether or not you're supported in the so doing of it, right? That's how I try to live my life.

I often wonder about the lack of self enquiry. And yes this is changing, but not quickly enough. I know the culture is based mostly on Christian beliefs but I do know Christians who do really deep work on themselves and encourage others to as well. This could help the whole thing. I'm hoping this is something that will change sooner than later, with all the "yoga" people seem to be doing there one would think it would be happening.

But actually most are only doing asana, not trying to use the asana to stimulate a state of yoga. Yoga is supposed to be hard, Hatha Yoga even carries a meaning that speaks to this. One meaning is Ha, sun and Tha, moon, so balanced out the two polarities. But the other meaning is with pressure, or with force, or willfully doing something. And yes, any form of physical asana practice falls under the umbrella of Hatha Yoga. So it's not meant to be easy and make you feel good only. It's meant to be used to transform yourself into the best possible version of you that you can achieve.

It's meant to be a deep self enquiry through using the eight limbs to work through your issues and by example inspire others to do so as well. Not only that but through the asana practice keep the energy flowing in the body, keep the blood circulating and the muscles working that this enquiry has a physical foundation with which to happen on.

Maybe I'm holding too high of standards here, but these are the reasons I started yoga and the consciousness, awareness, clarity, and alertness that I've achieved through this is why I chose to leave my home country. And at the same time it's why I'm anxious to return only just two shorts years after leaving. But I also have hope. I believe things can be better, and so that means they can start getting better at any time, not just in the far future but in the now. And in talking to many friends who are still in St. Louis I see that they are doing the best they can to achieve these things within themselves and within the community around them.

So I'll go and enjoy and be present while at the same time know I'm coming back here to my beloved Bharat sooner rather than later. But I still have two more months to go here, so why am I even worrying about all this just yet?!? Oh yes, we like to worry about shit don't we? Hahahaha, even when we are aware of it, so I'm just going to embrace how I'm feeling and move forward with it and enjoy my time here in Mysore for now. And I'll travel a little bit before I leave as well, and that I look forward to as well.

It's a beautiful day here right now AND I'm going to see Black Panther very shortly, after visiting my little Kali temple. What are you doing today?

How are you feeling..?

I have been asked this incessantly since I've been back in Mysore. Apparently I look terrible!

I was told physically I look good with the weight I put on in Germany, but the fire is gone out of my eyes. I was told I look sickly and pale and they assume its because I've had no sun, which I basically haven't until this last week. I've been told other things as well but no use to focus on those things.

As you know me I mostly focus on how I feel, and boy have I been feeling crappy. Much better than before but still not my usual self. Which is okay because as we know we just can't feel amazing all the time, and I don't really expect to. But I also don't usually feel so bad that people walk up to me and tell me on the street, which is something they do here.

Well now I'm finally starting to feel more myself again. And not myself as that is always changing but more clear, more open, more ready for new things. I'm still foggy in my mind and can't decide just yet what to do with myself, so I'm not at least until I get that clarity again.

I'm feeling peaceful since I finally went to the Ramakrishna ashram last night, and just went there again this morning to meditate. I also have started going to temples again, although not obsessively like before. More just the ones I'm moved to go to at that moment and not the ones I think I'm supposed to go to each day, as I was doing before. That also feels nice because its me lining up with the energy I instinctually need for balance rather than just accumulating energy from all of them. SO much so sometimes that I'm a bit overwhelmed. Now it feels more right, and good..

I found a Mahakali temple outside of Srirangapatna, really only about a 25 minute ride on the scooter, and went Friday night. That was the first time I felt "normal" again. The long ride was always something I've loved to do and then Kali, need I say more? It helped make me realise that I'd accepted a lesser version of myself and made it comfortable. I'm not really meant to be comfortable, uncomfortable is the name of my game apparently hahahahaha!

So, here I go, another week, great practices to start it with and a lot of sunshine to absorb. Hope you all have a great week too!