Going within...

I hear a lot about going within here in India, from Sharath a lot of the time and I tend to think I have a good idea of what that means. But then the next level of realization occurs and you doubt that you've ever gone within before, because this experience feels so deep.

I just am home from conference with Sharath and the Vedas came to my mind on the walk home because he was asked what his favorite text was, I'm assuming Chris asked because each of us has something that touches us and makes us go deeper than before and he wanted to know what did that for Sharath. And I was surprised by his answer, although I don't think I should've been. He said "the real text is within you. Those other texts are just references. Do your practice, the asanas, the yamas, the niyamas, and unlock the real text, the real knowledge that lies within you." That's not an exact quote, but paraphrased from my remembrance of what he said, so perhaps I should remove the quotation marks? Ehhh.

Veda means knowledge, but more than that it means revealed knowledge. It was knowledge unlocked from within the sages of old, as they sat and meditated or did an asana practice, or just contemplated things deeply. The texts were called this because they believed these beings gained the information from within. So, why do we believe this can only have been done thousands of years ago? What can't it be happening now, as we speak, maybe even in my own bedroom? Thinking of this makes me think we've lost something in the West with all the busyness of our lives all around us we never take that time to go deep and get quiet, at least many don't. I do in my morning practice of asana, of chanting, of pranayama and of meditation but then it seems to get lost throughout my day as I move through a very busy life of teaching classes, having lunch meetings, talking with friends, texting, phone conversations, plans on trips, plans on workshops, etc, etc, etc...

But here with all the time in the world to contemplate it comes up and I feel it and I think about it more often, so does this mean at home I need to create a quieter life? A life more geared toward contemplation and reflection. Not just for myself but also for my students so that when they have a question I've taken the time to gain the insight into things enough to have a valid answer? Maybe so.

Last week in conference someone asked Sharath about a comment he'd made the previous week about how perhaps many authorized teachers are not real big yogis, that the possibility that someone practicing only half primary can be just as big of a yogi or moreso, and they asked why didn't he just authorize those people he considered to be the real deal. Again, paraphrased from my own memory of it. And he said, they did the work and learned the things in the order in which we've asked them to, so they get authorized, but we can't make them do the work. It's up to you to do the work of deepening and learning more about the yamas and niyamas and what they mean to you and as you pass along the teachings as they've been taught to you, to your students, then its up to them to do the work themselves. So, I take away from that I can only transmit the teachings, its up to them to do the work, we cannot do the work for them, which leads me back to this comment from this week, they have to unlock their own knowledge.

I like this. It's a weight off my shoulders. I know this from my studies with Abraham, we only have control over our own vibration, no one elses, so we can only hold them in our highest place and hope for the best with them. I can only do this work for me, I have to do my asana practice, I have to study and read scriptures if I'm drawn to reading them (and I am, a lot) and I have to chant if I want to and practice pranayama and meditation, they will transform me. And so when a student comes to ask a question I'll have some insight into how it worked for me and can share that with them, but they have to do the work on their own to unlock their own truth, only they can read that text, not me. I am rereading sections of the book Guruji also and one interview was talking about how Guruji never forced chanting, or any of his knowledge on his students, unless they asked. Have an opinion for yourself, but no need in sharing it or enforcing it upon another, unless they come and ask for it, then it's on them if they don't like it, they've asked for the way you see it and you can give it to them.

I love that, it makes me feel good. And yes, I'd much rather be the one doing half primary who gets it, than the one doing Advanced A or B who doesn't. I can practice full primary, I can stand up and drop back on my own, I can't "catch" my ankles from a backbend on my own yet, but that's okay, I'm still having the experience of opening up my back and nervous system by doing the backbending either way and that experience brings more insight each time I do it, some days it brings unlimited energy and some it brings deep tiredness, all of which are experiences to be worked through and I may complain but I still love it and am happy this practice is a part of my life.

I love this place, I really do, and I love having this experience. I could be irritated that I never came when I originally meant to back in 2000 or 2002 but what use would that be? I didn't come then, I'm here now, so obviously I'm more ready than ever for it and the universe knows that, so here I am.

Where are you? Are you happy there? Even content? I hope so, if not, ask how you can cultivate these feelings within, what would that take to get there? Or change the situation to one more desired maybe? I'd rather not run, I'd rather be okay wherever I am and move forward from there.

Have an amazing weekend, namaste!

New Blog Post

I keep thinking that I should write a new blog post, since my back is feeling better which means my practice has been better. I even finally was able to return to the led classes this morning and even enjoyed it.

But I just don't have much to say right now. I'm not sure why but I haven't even been writing in my journal for the past two weeks.

I've another month and two weeks left here, which I'm grateful for since my body is just now ready to move forward but this week there are many friends leaving and it's not necessarily making me sad, but maybe it is making me sad a little bit. Also it's Christmas, which I'm notorious for not liking and try to get out of parts of it at every turn, but maybe I'm missing that I won't be with my family a little bit and the people at home who I've known for years and am very close with, maybe.

I'm not sad really, just contemplative I think. Thinking a lot about this past year as it comes soon to a close, and on Facebook everyone is posting videos of their year (which I've not watched any, nor do I have any inkling of wanting to watch any!). But it has stirred up a thought process around my experiences this year. It's been a bit of a doozy, I've spent from February 17th to April 8th and then again from October 27th til the end of the year and beyond that, in India, a place I've wanted to come for a very long time, even way before yoga. So that's pretty awesome. Of course all that time I've spent not making money, so I'm sure that I've made less this year than any other in the recent past, but that's okay too because I'm happy.

I've rededicated myself to my Ashtanga practice, so it's become a part of my path again. My path that has woven quite and interesting and twisted tapestry, but it's all mine and there is no denying it. It has changed me for the better.

I also wonder at the changes that will come up in me after I'm home from this trip, the last was hard to re=assimilate back into what they call "normal" in St. Louis, normal for me has never been anything but... But we'll see, can't worry about that right now. I'm still here and have another month and a half to go, which I'm still excited about, not dreading as some do going into their third month. Many only do 1-2 months now because of that, but I'm glad I chose to do three, three is just right for me right now.

So, we'll see how it goes. Have a great holiday season all, and enjoy it, relax about it don't tense up around it. Hug people and give them a kiss. Say I love you more easily, and mean it, even if you don't know them so well. Love is okay to feel and will make you feel better than the converse, so open up that crusty gate around your heart and feel it!

More soon...

My Ashtanga Journey

So, with this, my second trip to Mysore (finally)I've been having a lot of trouble with my body, within asana and without (via diarrhea) and have been reflecting a lot. Not something I'm wont to do on a regular basis. I tend to process things as they happen so they don't get stuck there and create a problem later, but these past few days my personal journey has been on my mind. I've shared it with a couple people but not all, so if you know the story bear with me, if not, hope you enjoy it.

So, back in late 1999 I had an accident, not a major one, but one that hurt my arm enough that it caused me not to be able to do my little workout I did daily (very little in fact since I smoked two packs a day and drank like a fish, anytime I began to sweat the smell was something I couldn't handle so I would quit! lol). Remembering in my mind from back in the early 90's a friend had tried to get me to take yoga with him at his college and I would never do it. Not that I wasn't interested, but that I lived in Illinois at the time and the college was way out in North County (MO), and I was very lazy.

I'd always been intrigued by yoga since seeing it on That's Incredible in the 80's. They would often have yogis curl themselves into a knot and get in a glass box to prove what the human body/mind was capable of.

Anyhow, that memory popped up. I was about to turn 30, was in my first "real" relationship and so had many different ideas popping into my head and this one was one I acted on. I looked through the yellow pages, yes we all had to do that back then, google didn't exist. And in looking I found about 8 entries in the business section under yoga. I called them all, listened to their voice messages (yes, we did have answering machines still then as well) and found one that the first class was free for. Free?!? Perfect! I was always broke mostly from spending my money on food, cigarettes and liquor, so this was right up my alley.

I went that night while my partner was working late. It was the strangest experience I've ever had in my life, did lots of strange movements called psychophysicals, then were supposed to take a cold shower and put on white clothing, then lie down and they talked us through a sort of yoga nidra, then we did about 15 postures and boom, left.

The next day I could barely walk around my corporate job. Many made comment on my limping and sore back posture as I gallumped through my day. Even though I couldn't walk I knew something had happened, something in me long dormant had awakened, so I decided to go back again on Saturday and this time my partner came with me. The fee for the month was $30 ( I believe at this place it's still only $40) so I borrowed the money, because I was broke remember? And we went.

This was my regular routine for about 2 months going to this place daily, figuring out new things about my body, taking my friends, talking about it incessantly.

Then I decided, there's more to this, so I need to figure out what that means. I knew there was some sort of hippie grocer in the Central West End called Golden Grocer, so I drove there and low and behold they carried Yoga Journal. A magazine even then becoming more dedicated to ads than to great articles, but still more articles then than now for my liking anyway. And this magazine had all this information in it, a article on the many evils of Bikram and food, all sorts of things. then I came across it, an article about Madonna (and yes, I'm gay, it's explicitly in the rule book that one must love Madonna, so I did) who had been doing yoga for about 3 years at this time (and as I read I recalled seeing her on Rosie and Oprah talking about her yoga practice, even teaching Rosie sun salutations) playing a yoga teacher in her latest film and the type of yoga she was practicing was Ashtanga, so they were also going to portray her as an Ashtanga teacher in the film. BTW, the only thing good about the film were the few yoga scenes, one of her teaching and the other of her practicing intermediate series.

This word Ashtanga stuck in my craw, I just couldn't quit thinking about it and wondering about its meaning. So again, I called all those 8 in the yellow pages, until I heard the word Ashtanga and I did, one little Intro to 8 week session, so I left a message, nervously because I was terrible at talking to people back then (yes I know you people who know me now and have been to my 200-400 person thick park class will find that hard to believe lol). Thanking god she didn't answer, but when she called back later we ended up talking for over an hour and I thought it sounded perfect.

So I ended up going to this womans house to take the little intro course and then took the week full primary series. But she had learned it from Beryl Bender Birch, so it was modified and I knew there was something I wanted more from it, so I looked online (my partner was great with the internet and I'd never been on it before, so maybe google did exist?) and found out this system came from this man K. Pattabhi Jois and he still taught at the age of 85 in Mysore, India, but was going on a little tour in the states soon: NYC, Boulder, California, Hawaii, etc.

I kept going to class and found I needed it more than just that once a week so ordered a brand new book by David Swenson so I could find out more about it, also ordered the now infamous vhs videos of Guruji teaching primary and intermediate series and started practicing on my own a bit.

Then decided well, guess I need to see this man, so I called Richard Freeman and talked to his wife Mary Taylor, she was very generous and helped me find free housing in Boulder with one of their students and let me mail them a check to pay for the two weeks there, $150 a week, big bucks for me to spend.

I was so nervous, when it came time to drive to Boulder I did, playing Madonna's Ray of Light cd the whole way so I could get inspired and so I could listen to the Ashtanga mantra and learn it by heart, she'd made a stylized song of it on there called "shanti/ashtangi",track 8 to be exact. It was my first major road trip alone and I was excited and scared shitless, but I went anyway.

Many things happened during my time there, I cried almost daily being overwhelmed with the feel of the community of yoga, something I'd never found in the church environment in which I was raised. I also made a friend from DC who took me rock climbing each day, so for the first time in my life I'd quit smoking (yes I forgot to mention that 17 days after I began Ashtanga I had to quit, couldn't handle it any longer), was doing this daily asana practice that was stronger than anything I'd ever done, was also being even more active during the day climbing around the Front Range and was eating vegetarian and even had my first iced soy chai there!

One thing in particular sticks out though, Guruji did several conferences, Sharath was also there, and in one someone asked a question about practicing in the evening and I was an evening practitioner at home, so seconded the question and he looked right into my eyes and said "You, you take practice, early morning, first thing, before working, 4am. Every day, whole life changing, whole life!" And then did his famous little laugh.

But I heard him, knew he was talking to me, even though the notion of being alive at 4 am sounded awful to me. So I had my experience, so much more to say there, but not all the point of this post, and went home. Told my partner all about it.

He kept bugging me to try and get up at 4am to do what Guruji said and I'm like fuck off, that's crazy, no way...etc. Then one day I'd heard it enough and decided, okay, let's try this, and did it. Not sure why he cared so much because he'd quit practicing completely. Needless to say I've always been drawn to things not in the norm and so this was yet another one and I quickly took to it like a fish to water and quit going to my weekly class even to try and make it work even better, and yes my whole life changed.

My partner and I broke up, I moved back to Illinois from St. Louis, I left my corporate job and took severance and my 401K to travel to Europe to visit an old friend and then I thought I'd finally go to Mysore (my partner had talked me out of going in 2000 and going to see Guruji in Boulder instead), but alas, Guruji would again be on tour.

So looking at the schedule I decided, he'll be in Maui and Nancy Gilgoff is one of the first Americans to study with him, so I'll go there, be there the week he's there and stay with her another 5 weeks and so I did.

Nancy is quite amazing, she's a very strong woman with strong ideas, but a weak physicality and nervous system, someone I could relate to completely. So in my time there I got tan, made lifelong friends, lost a lot of weight (I'd put on 20 lbs eating in Italy and lost 27 lbs that time in Maui), and became a full fledged Ashtangi. Completely obsessed with it, bought every book, read every blog, taught classes back home once I returned and just grew myself a new little life.

I've written before about how I learned intermediate series with Nancy and was teaching myself at home (no teachers there but me) third series and kept hurting myself, so was looking for something else to figure out how to heal myself. A few of my students were going to the Yoga Journal Conference in Estes Park, CO, back near my beloved Boulder, where the pre-conference was based on Ashtanga and would have all these long time teachers of it teaching for the week. So I went with them and had a really hard time with the practice that week. One of the girls and I decided we'd heard this good stuff about Desiree Rumbaugh and she was doing a day long session after our 3 days of Ashtanga was over, so we did that as well, and I immediately connected with her.

So slowly from that point, I dropped my third series practice and began studying Anusara yoga with a local teacher and Desiree when I could, it quickly healed my body and it was more that I felt part of this community again, and I was craving that.

I've also written much about my time away from Ashtanga where I also studied Kundalini yoga in which I became certified and through which I became Sikh, hence my name (yes I legally changed it and even though I'm not fully following Sikhi anymore, it is staying) and how I slowly became someone I was not very familiar with anymore.

So in late 2011 a friend who knew I'd practiced Ashtanga and taught it at one point began bugging me to teach him, he'd heard about it and wanted to learn, I was teaching yoga but not it, so he wanted to do it privately. So after much badgering I relented and decided I'd practice with him, since I found my back hurting a lot (I was mostly exclusively practicing Kundalini by then and you sit a lot. I'd had a degenerative lower spine which the Ashtanga healed, and felt like it was maybe coming back) so knew I needed to do some more asana again. And that started it. Another friend of his started also bugging me and coming on another day to practice with me, then eventually it crept up to a full week practice again, people found out I was practicing it again and immediately began asking me to teach it again. I felt like I'd come home, this was exciting and made me happy, like I felt back in 2000, unlike the time from 2008-2011 teaching other things where I felt like I was trying to make myself happy, instead of feeling genuinely happy from within. It was nice.

Then I decided this time I'd have to do it right, so a friend/student and I went to see Kino in Chicago in 2012, learned a lot and found great inspiration. Then the following year another friend and I went to the Ashtanga Confluence early in the year where Nancy was teaching and I'd not seen her for 11 years, it was a lovely reunion. then went to see Kino again in Chicago, then went to see another certified Ashtanga teacher in Chicago in September, then Kino again in October in Indianapolis this time, then Jodi Blumstein in Springfield, IL. It was a great year. But something more was missing, Mysore.

So I applied for a visa, got it (a 10 year one) and applied to get in, didn't for February but did for March, so came in mid-February and had a great experience in the shala with Sharath but not so great an Indian experience, lol, I was still a wimp.

So, now I'm back in Mysore again, the same year, for even longer. 3 months this time and last trip Sharath told me to work on my dropping back and standing up while I was at home and if it was good when I came back he'd start me on intermediate. So I did and got pretty good at it, came back expecting to wow him and start with pasasana super quickly. But my back started having trouble, then I had diarrhea and couldn't practice, now I'm back practicing and I find my ego whining to me about wanting second series, blah, blah, blah.

All of this to say, I'm here, and I'm doing the work, inner and outer, that is entailed by this practice. I love it, am super happy and do I care if I get pasasana? Maybe but really, I'm here, after 14 fucking years I've now been to Mysore twice and am having this experience that I've always wanted. Have made great friends from around the globe over the course of these two trips and even though by SI joint is a bit locked up and could use a good crack (causing pain during practice) and I got sick from some food, I don't know if I could be anywhere else but here and hope to keep coming back here year after year, maybe I'll be doing third by the time I'm 50, and fourth by the time I'm 55/60, maybe not (I'm now 44, having started this journey the year I turned 30) but this journey has been fulfilling and amazing and I can't complain because I've been here making the decisions the whole while so am embracing them fully and living them completely.

Thank you all who've been a part of this journey, you know who you are, especially Patrice, my first yoga student who still practices primary series daily at the age of 67 (she also still smokes 3 cigarettes a day and drinks one mini bottle of wine!) who is still such a major support in all I do. But all of you, you are all special and have made me a better person, thank you!

Conference

Saturday mornings at the KPJAYI shala Sharath does a conference, this is what Guruji used to do in his living room daily many years again when there were few students, so Sharath has organized it to be once a week and there are so many students now, daily would be very hard.

To me, although I love this practice, the physical asana aspect of it, and the philosophical aspect of the 8 limbs, this conference is my favorite part of each week. It gives us some inspiration in which to live our life by and of which to practice wiht in our hearts.

Today though, he outdid himself. He began the talk with a few quotes from the Hatha Yoga Pradapika and then expounded upon them, this part was good but didn't stick as much as the aspects that caused me to want to write this.

When he began talking about going to a temple here or to a church back home and it being an external thing that we go to only when we need help or something is wrong, then he switched to discussing building the temple inside (tapping his heart) and when you build that temple with a strong foundation that you don't even need to go to a temple. He even went on to explain how they never went to temple as children, growing up with Guruji who would chant his pujas at home and created such a sacred space that they never felt any need to go very often.

This led him to talk about how you practice and build energy in that space, and over time, years and years that energy is the foundation and you teach in the same space for years and years, not traveling around very much so that you are setting the energetic foundation of the practice in the space, and in the hearts of the students. This really resonated with me. I always think I want to travel and teach that way, but he even went so far as to say that teachers who travel all the time are not good teachers, because they are not building this for their students. I know that I love when I've had a realization and taught it to someone, when they have their own aha moment with it and come to me or message me about how it's changed their practice or their life, that is most fulfilling part of being a teacher to me. This is most fulfilling part of practicing to me too, when all the work you've done comes to fruition in one of those aha moments and everything seems different, so nice.

But even more than these things someone asked a question and I don't remember it specifically but he mentioned when you're arguing or starting a debate or something like this, to not get dragged into it, just sing a song. He looked for this Indian student to sing a Bollywood song but couldn't find her in the crowd (it's the end of the month so many are leaving, and new ones will be coming in), so he sang a line of a song, then told it's meaning, it was about this awakening happening within me and how you wanted to share it with the whole world, but then he sang another line and another, he ended up singing the whole song so beautifully and we all clapped when he was done. His heart was so open and brave to share himself like that with us, but he says you must teach from the heart and lead by example, and so he does just that.

I'm crying again writing about it, it was the most beautiful moment. I cried there at the conference as it was happening. My heart feels so full right now.

He even taught us a pranayama technique that is good for calming and de-stressing yourself, he showed us, but he also lead us all through it and had us do it together again at the end of the conference.

I feel like the only place I could be right now is here, this experience is the one I'm supposed to be having right now and I'm meant to allow my heart to open up and lead me home to keep building on the foundation I began when I started teaching over a decade ago. After my first trip I came home so inspired that I started a new Mysore class and that class quickly became my most attended class, and I believe it's because that is where my heart lies, within teaching this method in it's traditional manner and when you follow your heart and teach from there, it always works out.

So everyone back home, please know that I'm filling my tank and when it's time to come home I will be doing so with a vengeance. This stuff is what I'm meant to be doing, and I can only want to share it with you so much more even than before. Be ready!!!

Oh my aching back...

So, I've been having trouble with my back again. It happened last time as well, but it was different. This time it's been pretty intense but I had a friend work on my fascia and it loosened things up and felt better for practice on Thursday, then today I was awakened in the middle of the night by a screeching monkey (I think there's a trouble making one or a crazy one that lives around here because they are usually quiet and this one keeps causing trouble with the others and wakes me up in the process, three nights now since I moved into this place) and was unable to get back to sleep right away so when my alarm woke me up for the led class this morning (and yes I was going to go, my back had been feeling better) I remember it going off and hitting the snooze, but at some point must have turned it off and so slept in until 7, too late to get to the class. So, from sleeping so long it was achey again and I went to have an Ayurvedic oil massage and steam box, which helped me a lot last time. It also just helped me again, although now I feel drugged and am staying in for the evening instead of going to the Green Hotel with friends.

Anyhow, I'm here to practice with my teacher and so get irritated when things like this happen, we have two days off this weekend in a row, so today would've been my last time until Monday. But since I had today off I'll practice Sunday and that'll give me a chance to dig in and see how the body is feeling before the quicker paced led class with Sharath on Monday, so it all works out for the best.

So, the massage. Last time I was here earlier this year I'd read an authorized teachers blog about her boyfriend going through this Ayurvedic consultation and all that, about his experience with pancha karma and oil massage and the steam box and knew that I had to try it, so I found a place right near the shala to do it and found out that it was amazing and I did it three times while I was here. So this time after I remembered how much it helped me last time booked an appointment and went. The realization, booking and massage all happened today btw lol...

You come in and take off your clothes, three young men are there and one of them ties the smallest little gauze string around your waist and then over your parts and between your legs then up the crack, front and back hooking under the string around your waist. This thing really covers nothing, so I'm not sure why the bother but I'm sure a big part of it is there idea of decency and such, they are very strict and a bit uptight about covering yourself here. Anyhow, so then they sit you down and pour oil on your head, rubbing it in and all around your scalp, neck, shoulders, chest and face, for quite a long time. I find this to be almost the best part of the massage. it feels very nurturing and like you're really doing something to take care of yourself, it's lovely, then they lay you on a wooden table and put cushy pads under your joints and two of the young men (there are ladies if your are female) begin to apply oil and then in deep, sweeping motions rub the oil into your body. Deep meaning deep, they rub and rub and rub and rub and rub and rub (get the picture?) in swirling, very specific, repetitive movements for a long time, on your belly, chest and arms then the legs and feet, then over again in the same pattern. They lift your limbs and rub and rub and rub it into your armpits, your joints, your fingers and toes and keep rubbing and rubbing, really sweeping and sweeping, but deeply, is the better term. They then turn you over and do it again on the back of your body, systematically, legs and buttocks, arms and back, neck and head even more, more legs and buttocks, arms and back. It's for an hour and a half that this goes on. All this motion done in specific way to move the energy towards your heart and swirl your heart energy and open it up, but it also makes you feel dreamy and as if you're not human anymore and/or not of this world at all. It's completely consuming. Then they stick you in a steam box with your head sticking out of a hole and wrap the hole with a towel around your neck so that the steam stays in the box and bake you for a good long time, 20 minutes at least but its timed by how much sweat they see pouring from your face. I personally know the rubbing and the specific oils they use are great and loosen up any tension, but believe it's this steamy part of the process that really gets the oil into your pores and into you your joints, into your muscles and releases everything. It may be the most import part of the process, is what I'm trying to say.

So, I leave after they attempt to towel all the oil off, leaving your clothing smelling like sesame oil and drippy, to walk back out into India, but when seeing it form this dreamy state, it is wonderful and seems to be like watching a movie. Today, even though I was all oily, I walked to Sri Durga for a dosa and chai and then home. Knowing that if I went home to shower first I'd not be getting back out and would be hungry, so took care of it before.

Then home and showered I'm ready to stay in and relax, but end up chatting and writing this before reading and chilling out.

Sharath talked a lot last conference about only using these things as tools when they were needed, if the asana practice wasn't doing the healing, then you turn to Ayurveda to heal any problems, so that's what I did. The asana practice here is just more intense than at home and possibly because someone I respect as a teacher is watching me and I'm "trying" harder, but also because the energy in that room is just bigger and faster and stronger than me at home on my own. So in being more intense it just takes me deeper, physically, mentally and energetically, than otherwise would be and so this little bit of love was needed. I feel great and will practice Sunday, since technically I'll have had my two days off today and tomorrow, and see how it goes and if more is needed, but I have faith that all this will work itself out and I'll get further into the process of yoga, not just asana, but yoga, here this time than last time even.

That's why I wanted to be here longer this time, to go deeper and to let this thing I call me unravel and really see what I'm made of. To learn to surrender and let go even more deeply than before and see what sort of growth and expansion come as a result.

I love this place more than I thought I would, it makes me happy being here. I love this hard ass asana practice much more than I ever did before and I love all the people here I'm having experiences with, including Sharath, and am ready for more!

P.S. If you get a chance, read this blog, http://spaciousyoga.com/new-chapter-reflections-mysore-6-weeks/. This fellow much like me has been practicing for many years and yet has just decided to come here and study with Sharath and is having much the same experience that I am, it's quite inspiring and makes me even more glad that I've started coming.

Day off

I've never been so thankful for a day off in my life, mostly because my back is having some weird issues, most of which I believe is energetic (and also happened on my last trip), just working through the opening of the nadis, but someone else mentioned he believes its my fascia all twisted up. Either way, I was very happy this morning to sleep in and have no set schedule for the day. My day off of work at home doesn't typically coincide with my day off from my yoga practice, so often on the day I'm not practicing I'm still teaching at the park and a private lesson or two, or a workshop, so it's nice here to have a full day off where I only need do what I choose to do.

Typical day off for an Ashtangi means a castor oil bath, rubbing the body down with castor oil, allowing it to soak in and relax the muscles, pull "heat" out of the body (and if you're a pitta dosha this is a complete must, and yes, it does work) and to just make you feel a little high lol, much more relaxed than normal and very content. So that's what I did after some pranayama and chanting to begin with.

Then I walked up to Khushi for lunch where I thought I'd hang out and read for a bit, but it wasn't the place for me this morning, so back home I am to write this before settling in to read and head back out a bit later for lunch at Anima Madhva Bhavan, my favorite place to eat here. On the way home I stopped at the Green House, a house a few up from the shala and from Sharath's new home, owned by Pavithra, a lovely Jain man who practices with us and knows a lot about Ayurvedic health and has the best incense and statues and malas and such.

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With the back issues for the past two days my practice was hard, moreso during the led class yesterday than the day before where I was able to go at my own pace and stretch it out slowly. Led is a much faster pace than it is allowing right now though, and Sharath even helped me a couple times when he realized that I was struggling. But as I said earlier, I believe its more energetic than anything. In my Sanskrit level 2 class Lakshmish is also doing half the class on translating the Hatha Yoga Pradapika and the first few sentences he talked a lot about the opening of the energy channels on either side or in the middle of the base of the spine, exactly where my trouble is and it just resonated, so I'm sticking with that story. My friend who diagnosed it as my fascia wants to work on it, and I will let him, I'm not about it being a physical thing as well, but then again I don't believe they are mutually exclusive, energy forms matter, matter is just molecules moving at a slower rate of vibration...

Speaking of vibration, there was a lovely kirtan at the Blue House last night, another place up the road from the shala owned an ex-pat British (I believe) lady who hosts such things and does massage trainings and has philosophy talks and such. My friend hadn't been to one before and said that some resonated with her and some didn't, so I told her the different words in Sanskrit hold different vibrations (the lady who led the kirtan talked a bit about it as well, only called them frequencies) and the ones closest to where you are vibrating at the time always are the ones you're drawn to join in on.

Funny thing how you come here and you start to think about the different gods and their meanings, when traditionally you're not a Hindu. But I think the idea of the gods goes much beyond Hinduism. To me each god represents a different aspect of ourselves. Shiva (my personal favorite) is the destroyer, destroying the things no longer serving you so as to make space for new things to come in. Lakshmi, of abundance and prosperity, not just financially but all things. I was going to list some more, but there are so many and each has so many aspects within the their main purpose, so I'll leave it at that and just say that to me they are all aspects of our inner being, or even our mind, that we can access and use to not allow us to be stuck in one place without growth or movement of energy. And sometimes if that access is hard to come by maybe chanting the names that brings up the energy you need is the best way to do it!

I may write more later, but it is my day off and there's a lot going on in there (my mind) it just all hasn't formulated into cohesive sentences just yet, so off to read and relax for a while before eventually heading out to have a coconut and then to my lunch with a friend and who knows what else the day will bring.

Love you, take care!

Time...

Time here in Gokulam seems to move very slowly, but then you look for the date and find that it's been two weeks yesterday that you arrived here! lol, what a weird feeling. This morning on the steps of the shala waiting to go into the lobby to wait to practice, less lot's of waiting (especially this morning where I personally waited over an hour and usually am in the door 45 minutes before my actual start time), we had to pull out a phone to figure out the actual date today and then when we got it, the 13th(!), I thought damn, is it really two weeks already?!? And yes, it is.

Each day your practice is different, that's a truth whether I'm here or at home, but this week has shown me that I'm more energetic here and probably because of the sheer amount of energy in that room from people having been practicing since 4:15am and doing it since the shala opened over a decade ago. So, I thought I was riding nice and high on that energy and then today happens.

Now today wasn't a bad practice, but it was slow and felt like drudging through mud. If the factor of the energy in the room were to be removed I would most likely have quit practicing soon after starting or it would've taken me 3 hours. But my backbending at the end was still pretty good and I feel good, other than today is the first time I'm just low in energy after practicing.

Sharath is pleased with my progress in the standing up and dropping back, he remembers that he gave me that as my homework when I was here earlier this year and so has been watching me, and most days is the one to help me with the assisted backbends you do here after your own standing up and dropping back. Now the problem is that he's taken an interest in my bind in supta kurmasana again, not sure why, but yesterday that was something he brought up. In the led class he lets me get away with using a towel to hold the bind, because it moves so quickly but in Mysore class he hasn't seen that I can hold it once I'm assisted to the bind, which I have been. He told me yesterday that today he would help me so he could see it, so today when I was there I looked for him but he'd gone outside, so I let one of the assistants help me. And I'll be damned, as soon as I was done and heading to the changing room he said, you didn't call me for supta today, I said you were outside, oh sorry he says, you bind? Yes I did, you held it, yes I did. Okay, we'll see tomorrow.

It's funny to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm here to work with him as my teacher and I'm very glad he has an interest in my practice, but damn! lol.

I'm here for a long time this time and have plenty to work on. Once he's satisfied with my supta bind and my "catching" gets really close or to touch (I almost touched today, btw catching means you are assisted in bending over backwards and walking your hands in until you can touch or "catch" your ankles, it actually feels good after you're done with it) he'll start me on intermediate, which sounds great and when I practiced before from 2000-2008 I had went up to about a third or more of the third series, the intermediate series was my favorite. You always feel light, calm and energized both, after its complete each morning. But pasasana, that first frakking posture, is a bitch, especially for those who's body just hates to twist, like mine. But when he gives it to me I'll diligently work on it as I'm doing all the other things he's given me to work on.

I have to say I love it here. I love the little apartment I'm in, it's spacious but not too big and gets a good breeze. I love the weather this time, unlike last it was so hot, this time its very moderate and lovely at night. The people are great, most remember me this time from last and the students are great too, many are here from my last trip so it's been nice to catch up and rekindle friendships.

Right now I can say I could stay here for a long time, but I'm sure that will change soon enough, or maybe not, who knows. I'm taking it one minute at a time and this time the minutes seems to be sludging by, not that I'm complaining because in a few minutes another week will have gone by! And I'm no hurry to head back to the Midwest of the US during the middle of winter, what on earth was I thinking going back in February! lol. Methinks I wasn't thinking at all about anything except being in India...

"It's like wrestling a bear!"

With my impending second trip to Mysore coming up in just three weeks, lots of memories from the last trip are flooding over me. Some intentional to make sure I remember my way around Gokulam, some just popping up as I move through my practice in the mornings.

One that I woke up with this morning is what I titled this post as, and the story goes...

Sharath had decided he was tired of me not being able to "get" supta kurmasana and so he told me so and said that he was going to help me personally from then on out until I got it, so it had been about a week and a half maybe of him helping me or watching his assistants help me and this particular day as he called "one more!" and I walked in and he showed me where to put my mat down, he said to me to wait for him when I got to that point, so I get to that point and move my way to the physical place I would wait for him, when I felt some gentle hands moving my arms into position to bind with one another, then moving my legs to cross behind my head and when my legs got there my hands unbound, as per usual. Then I heard him "no, no, get away, let me..." I had thought it was him but it had been his assistant Ganapati (a young blonde fellow from California who'd become Brahmin and moved to the area). So he started getting my hands there and then, then my feet, then my hands would unbind, then he would reattach them, back and forth. FInally he picked up my feet for me to lift and jump back and I did, this time was the first time I could go right into updog without strain in my lower back after this posture, so I knew it was soon coming. But as I inhaled into updog he was standing there looking down at me, hands on his hips (like a disapproving grandma) and said "It's like wrestling a bear!" Then promptly, he laughed, I laughed, Ganapati laughed and few around me laughed that had heard or seen the whole exchange. It lightened the mood and helped me release some shit. As I was leaving the shala and did my anjali mudra and bowed slightly to him as I walked by, he said "tomorrow!" And so it went, the next day was the day he got me into the posture, was able to help me stay in it and he said "PASS! Go on and do garbha pindasana." I was so excited to have jumped that hurdle, you can't imagine, I'd been stuck there for 3 weeks.

This brings up many other stories of my being there, not because I'm trying to relive that experience, that will be impossible as each experience there is completely different especially since I'm staying longer this time, but because they are good memories, very good.

I met a lot of wonderful people who I am still in contact with and have become better friends with. I think the friendships forged there are so special because the experience is so intense. You are there solely for the purpose of deepening your yoga practice, for no other reason, so you do and you connect with others who are doing so as well.

One other memory just popped up, I'll share it. I had just recently been told to go ahead and do the whole series, this was just a couple days after "getting" supta kurmasana and then he tells me I have to start doing the deep backbending. Now, for most of you who take my led classes you know that after the series we do three backbends, right? Well, in a Mysore setting, as a few of my Mysore students will tell you, after you've completed primary series you do those three backbends, then you work on standing up from them, then dropping back, standing up, dropping back and standing up, then three assisted half dropbacks and an attempt at grabbing your ankles (yes, in a backbend lol). This is what I was supposed to start. So he had his assistant Nnadi help me with it and it was fine, I couldn't stand up at all and that was fine, he helped me the whole way through. So I discovered it was terribly intense on the nervous system, especially that it was my first time, and when I went home I showered and then just lie there on the bed for a couple hours, then it dissipated and I went about my business. So the next morning I did my backbending then tried to stand up, couldn't, so rolled over and got up then did a drop back on my own, decided myself that this was just fine and a great attempt especially on only my second time doing this, so did my forward bend, rolled up my mat and went to the locker room to do finishing. As I'm creeping (yes, I knew I was trying to get out of something) away Sharath saw me and yelled "YOU! I told you to wait for backbending, you go back" and I was like "I know, I thought it was fine..." all mousy like and he let me go but said I had to wait from now on. Then I'm out after class, and if you've been there you know we all devour coconuts after class to replenish our electrolytes and get rehydrated, and we chat and we hang out for a while sometimes. That day I was sitting by myself and overheard some people next to me talking about "who did he yell at?" and so on, and I reluctantly held up my hand, "it was me..." LOL, this stuff is great, isn't it?

I am so excited to go back and create more experiences and get deeper into my practice and be able to share that knowledge with you when I come back!

This crazy quote from an obscure book

This quote embodies to me what the Ashtanga practice is about, getting wet, almost drowning. Read and let me know what you think...

"In true sadhana, there's a beginning, a long middle and an end. we all start at the beginning and some may reach the end. but the middle is the tricky part because it has so many blind spots. often times practitioners are believing they are farther along than they think, when in fact they have barely taken a step into the internal world, the real world..... but the external false world, where sheeple nourish our egos, and we nourish our own, using our public image and popularity to fool ourselves and others is not even the first step.its like one just dipped their toe in the ocean but because they are wearing designer swimming trunks and can appear graceful with a swimmers physique, the naive followers and sycophants believe they are swimmers.... ....you got to get wet, dive deep down maybe lose your trunks and then be prepared to drown before you can really swim. dont just sunbathe in samsara - be like a dolphin"

(exerpt from "Dolphins Are One Of My Power Animals" by Dr. Kether Lazarus II)

Another New Moon is upon us...

I've been busy lately and not taking time to reflect and clear up my intentions, so when a friend mentioned my new moon intention to me yesterday it reminded me, oh, get on that.

Sometimes I feel like I have so much ritual I follow already that one more thing will make me burst, but really, I've got plenty of space for it. I think I get lazy when I'm home because I'm in such a routine that I don't even have to think about it. This is part of why I'm moving.

Yes, I'm going back to India to study with Sharath again, leaving October 27th and won't be back until February, so I'm letting my apartment go and have a friend who is letting me store stuff in his basement and letting me set up a bedroom down there as well. It's actually a super cozy basement and I'm looking forward to it, I'm going to start moving boxes today so it can be a slow process, not a rush around and do it in two days process.

I'm excited for this trip very much and intend for it to be as transformational as the last one, and even more so. With it being longer I'm going to do Thai massage over there to make money to live off of but because of the length I'll have time to dig in deeper and go to another level with my practice, but also to study with my Sanskrit teacher and my chanting teacher more, both of which I'm looking forward to as much as the asana practice.

I'm embracing all the things that come up and not seeing them as obstacles, but as contrast to help me hone my intention and make it more succinct so that I don't get a lot of extra stuff, but that I get a lot of what I'm looking for. It has been working here at home, so I'm sure it will work over there.

Yes, after 13 years of teaching Ashtanga Yoga a community who loves it is finally building here and it's a great thing. There are students who are excited to practice, who ask questions, who really want to go there and transform themselves and that is what a teacher teaches for. I couldn't be happier with my teaching experience these days. Other than maybe wishing I had a full Mysore program going, that is something I really want, but it hasn't been something that's worked out just yet.

So when I get back I'm going to contemplate where and how to implement one in the mornings with a few evenings offered so that folks who just can't do mornings can come as well. Then I'll have to rededicate myself to my practice because I'll have to get up early, early to practice before I teach! lol, I can do it, I know I can! lol

When I think of my intention for this next period of time it is to embrace all and let it show you the way, to expect the universe to support my intention with financial abundance and really, abundance in all it's forms. To be focused and clear and allow the things that are working for me to keep honing my skills and get me to the goal of creating this amazing life that I want. Really, to keep creating an amazing life because already is pretty awesome!

Abraham

So, I went to Chicago with a friend to see Esther Hicks channel Abraham this past weekend. It was my third time seeing this phenomenon but I will say it was the best.

The best why? Because it was everything I needed to hear about my self, my life and what to do to move forward in it and with others.

I've realized after my India trip that Ashtanga Yoga is my path, but I must also realize that these teachings on the Law of Attraction are just as much my path. That just means I'll be tapping into Source more often to get a read on how to move forward in each step of my life. I don't have to hear Esther speak Abraham's words, because I have the ability to listen to my instincts and emotions in the way they have taught me to and that is listening to Source, just as much as hearing the words come out of Esther's mouth.

This next trip to India will be amazing because I'm basing it on what my inner being tells me every step of the way and from the day forward, to the best of my ability, I'm going to be moving forward from this same place in all of my life.

It's time I grow up and take responsibility for my decisions and how my life unfolds, I know how this stuff works and the Ashtanga has given me the strong awareness that can keep me tapped into how I'm feeling enough for me to be guided into bigger and better things, more and more and more and draw the things to me that I want in life. Abundance in every area; money, love, friendships, even in my yoga practice!

So now, here I am and you need to start expecting amazing things from me and if they don't start manifesting come up and ask me why they aren't, hold me to it!

New Moon

This quote from Kino MacGregor popped up in my feed today:

"The new moon is a time of reflection, a time to take stock of all that you have done in the last month and plant the seeds of new intentions going forward. It's a time to forgive yourself and others so that you start fresh. The new moon is about rebirth, so take a step down the spiritual journey of yoga, meditate, turn your attention inwards and direct your life down the road of true awakening. My new moon intention is to release my need to control so that I may be open to receiving things bigger and grander than I can control or imagine."

I believe that we see things that are resonating where we are vibrating at that time, same with people we bump into, same with conversations we have (and I've had a couple today that show me I'm sliding backwards a bit) and situations that arise. Basically, everything in our day is there mirroring back to us where we are. Which can be a good thing, if we're in a good place, or a bad thing if we're in a bad place, OR it could show us where we are and if we're not in a place we really want to be and are conscious enough to catch it we can possibly turn that around more quickly. Which is what I would like to think I'm doing today lol.

But really, I think of myself as a conscious person, but mostly I'm still not as conscious as I'd like to think I am. Or rather, I'm not deliberately taking the time to create my life in the way I would like, or as Abraham would say Pre-paving. Her quote brought that home for me.

When I was younger I did this very much more than I do now. I followed the moon cycles and felt it had great importance in my life, and I still feel the moon cycles but am not using them as wisely as I'd like to, so I'm creating the intention that I will start doing this today, so will you join me?

Boyhood

So, I just saw the movie named in the title of this entry. It's famous for being filmed over the course of a dozen years about this boy, the main character Mason, and his family. It was a good cast, Patricia Arquette plays the mom, Ethan Hawke the semi-estranged dad and a few others including the guy who played Mason.

Now, at first glance nothing about this family life is similar to mine, other than the fact that I had a sister and my mom raised us and dad was around. That wasn't what touched me about the film, it was the kid himself. He was contemplative, quiet, and totally lived in his head but was an artist. This is me when I was young, his art was photography, mine was drawing, but you get the picture.

So he mentions at one point that he couldn't wait to get to that point in life where someone wasn't always nagging him to do more and to just be able to be himself and do what he wants when he wants to and live his own life. I never felt nagged, although I may have been, I lived too much in my head to notice I think lol.

The end of the movie, he's arrived at the point he wanted to be at during the rest of the movie and was at the precipice of his life and has it all to look forward to, but his mom was at a point where she thought there would be more out of life and was disappointed that there hadn't been more up to that point.

I identified with the mom a lot, because with just a flip of her consciousness she could be at the precipice of her life as well, both kids gone to college, she sold her house, moved into an apartment and could have all this amazing new stuff to look forward to. If you look at my life, and if I look at a few other lives of older yoga teachers in the area, there are at the place where there seems to be not that much more to go for but that's their choice. I could feel this way as well, but I'm about to go back to India and study yoga more with my teacher there which sends you into this deep place and brings up whole new things about yourself that you can then figure out where to go with. I could move, I could open a studio here, I could travel and teach. I've got the whole winter to figure all that out.

But my point originally was that I was feeling like the mother and hadn't thought about my life from the point of view of the son, but that was my choice, so now I'm choosing to feel like the son, like Mason.

I am at an amazing point in my life. I am 44 years old, but damn if I don't feel better mentally and physically than I did when I was in my teens and twenties. I even still feel like I just want to be at mom's house and living with not many responsibilities in life (I don't want this btw lol, just sometimes feel like that same little boy). I also don't have a lot of responsibility, no spouse or kids, no house payment. Even my possessions are easily gotten rid of (in theory). But I can go pretty much in any direction I want to go and am going to embrace the thrill of that!

So, how do you feel right now? Do you feel stuck in your life? Do you feel excited in your life? at what's to come? Do you realize that whichever way you feel is your choice? You can choose to be happier and more excited about the direction your life is going, and you can choose not to.

Which do you choose?

Mysore... again

So, India, more specifically Mysore, even more specifically Gokulam, a small area in Mysore that houses the K Pattabhi Jois Ashtanga Yoga Institute, has not left my being since I went in February. I came home April 8th, over 4 months ago, and can still feel the heat of the sun, the dryness in the air, can tell you how to get to the chocolate man and Dhatu, can remember walking home from the movies with Petros...etc.

In other words, this place is stuck in my craw. Or rather, I can't get it out of my head. My friend Kelly is in love with Iceland and wrote this great Facebook status about her two trips and going back for her third in a couple weeks and it made me want to write about Mysore, again.

So, just two weeks ago I applied to go back in November, which would mean I would head back that last week of October, and guess what? I got in. Haven't bought my plane ticket yet, but am about to do a search on that. So, I'm going back and I'm excited beyond words.

In 2000 I picked up a Yoga Journal after attending one yoga class at a local place and in it was an article about Madonna playing a yoga teacher in her new movie, and of course, she was practicing Ashtanga Yoga so the movie was to have scenes of yoga in it, including an opening Mysore style scene, but I read the word Ashtanga and never having heard it before didn't know if I was pronouncing it correctly, but knew I'd heard that word before, or felt it in my being before, so did a search in the Yellow Pages (yes, that was how we searched back then) and found one lady who taught a little class in her house, so went.

In about the third class of this Intro to Ashtanga series I remember being in down dog, sweating profusely, crying a bit and shaking, wondering how I found myself there but knowing that I was in love and it was going to change my life.

Cut to about June or July and I'd read somewhere that Guruji, K. Pattabhi Jois, was going to be touring around the states and found myself calling Richard Freeman and talking to his wife, signing up for the week in Boulder they were hosting him for, she even also found me housing with one of their studios current students, and I drove out there by myself and took this mans led classes.

His grandson adjusted me in Marichasana C and D, my spine was always locked up due to being degenerative from about the mid-back down, so I'd never been able to do much with the postures. He talked me through breathing and allowing him to take me into the full postures, both of them. Yes, I thought I was going to die or shit myself, or both, couldnt' breathe, couldn't think, nothing. So I did the whole week, survived and drove home, but during the week they had three nights of conference with Guruji, where he would take questions and answer them. He was asked something about when to practice and looking at me (of course, everyone probably felt he was looking at them directly) he said "you, you getting up, before working, before sunrise, practicing then. Whole life changing!"

Of course for me that would mean at 4am, iiiicccckkkk, no fucking way! But, I went home, told my partner and he said he thought I should do it if I was going to call this guy my teacher. So I did, and yes, my whole life changed. We broke up, I left my job of 14 years and many other things. Not quite right that moment, so before we broke up I planned to go to India to see this man and sent the infamous letter you had to write back then, but quickly found out he wasn't happy about me thinking I was going to India and so I allowed my trip to be vetoed. So no India then, but we broke up...

Since I was off and had a severance package after leaving my job I decided to go to India then, but alas, look online and Guruji was on tour again, so I went to Hawaii to see him this time, and ended up being there for almost 6 weeks and studied with Nancy Gilgoff as well, what a great time. Sharath, the grandson, even remembered me from the Boulder trip two years prior! This was in 2002, two years after I'd seen Pattabhi and he on my first Asthanga trip.

Anyhow, the next Ashtanga trip I took was in 2007 to the Yoga Journal pre-conference with a group I'd been teaching in Illinois, and it was great, but it was also my last great hurrah before leaving Ashtanga, studying KUndalini and Anusara for almost 4 years before coming back to Ashtanga full time in 2012. I've written much about these times in previous entries, so won't go there again now.

So now, after being into Ashtanga again for just over 2 years, I'm already about to embark on my second trip!

It's amazing to get what you want in life, especially when for 40 years you've convinced yourself that you can't ever have what you want. That same friend I mentioned who wrote about Iceland, also wrote another status about observing folks who live the life they want because they believe they can, and the others who live self-limitations that they put on themselves. Each is our choice, so I'm choosing to live an amazing life!

Attachment

So, I've been practicing yoga for a long time, almost 15 years, and the idea of attachment came up when I first started it. It, of course, hadn't been a concept I'd ever given any thought but once I heard about it I immediately looked into it and realized that I had it! lol, we all do, we're in bodies, we convince ourselves the bodies are going to last forever, our first attachment, and then decide that everything else must last just as long or we'd be upset for losing something.

Just yesterday I put five boxes of books and two tubs of comics into a garage sale my sister is having at my grandma's house and once we loaded the stuff and she left I felt a pang of loss, but was like, oh that's good. I need to unload some more stuff. Not sure what else that would mean.

This morning I get a text that one guy came and bought all of my comics in one fell swoop! And I felt the worst icky feeling in my tummy and realized how attached I had been to those things.

I started collecting comics in 1975 when my grandpa bought me a $.35 issue of Spider-Woman and from then on I was obsessed. Especially with the X-Men and anything related to that franchise. The X-Men being outcasts because they were mutants and I always felt like I never fit in, so identified with them immediately. I continued collecting regularly until say 1989 and then until a few years ago would buy the occasional issue here and there. But it was a big part of my life for a long time and I've now got none of it physically anymore.

Does that really matter? Probably not. I have the lessons learned from the storylines, I have the memories of the stories and characters that will live with me forever. I had some original issues of many things but really, does it matter? Nah.

So, even though right now, today (maybe even tomorrow) I've got this empty sensation in my gut, even in my heart, I'll be fine. I'd not looked at some of them for decades until recently when I got them to my place from storage at my moms house and I'd lived just fine without them all those years, I'll live just fine without them in the future as well.

Yogis in India typically own nothing, and the things that they do have will give away at the drop of a hat. Staying so unattached that they don't even have a place they live in but are always traveling, forcing detachment.

I'm not quite there and may never be, and don't know if I aspire to be that way, but I love the idea of the freedom it seems to give you. So, I'll just work toward that feeling of freedom and not worry about letting go of the things until it comes up and deal with it then. I've let go of lots of stuff since beginning yoga and the things I have right now I may let go of in the future, I'm okay with where I am and not in a hurry to push things out the door though, but to just allow the need for them to leave when it does.

What are you attached to?

Happy people

So, this is my outlet. My outlet for allowing a deeper, more personal side of me out and showing people that I am human and still have a lot of work to do.

I was contemplating putting a Facebook post out there, as a good friend of mine does and he gets a lot of support and comes across very elegantly, but I've done that a couple times and it backfires on me and I get a lot of resistance. I have my own inner resistance to deal with daily, so I don't need it manifesting in external sources like that, not anymore. For some reason when I write a blog, people love it, so here it is.

I have a lot of friends, well maybe not a lot, but a bunch of them who are naturally happy people. They think, they feel emotional and all but their go to place is one of light and joy. I see them and am jealous but also grateful for them as well, because it shows me it is a possible place to live in. I love them and if you are reading this you will know I am speaking of you, I love you and appreciate you in my life, more than you'll ever know.

I, however, am not one of those people. I have to work and work at being happy. My go to place is the dark side of the force. I know that in even typing this I'm reinforcing it but that's okay, I've made peace with it and will go further so as to undo any "bad" stuff it could draw to me.

When I discovered yoga in late 1999 it was the first time it was made known to me that finding the light within was a possibility, but when I discovered the teachings of Abraham in 2006-2007 it was really made known that my being in a dark place was one of a choice, not one out of my control. I remember lamenting then that I was always drawn to the hardest paths on the planet, why me, that sort of thing. I mean Ashtanga Yoga is the hardest asana practice on the planet, yes it is, but goddamn it, I love it with all of my heart. Kundalini Yoga, another of my paths that was a part of my life from 2000 until last year, is also one of the hardest things on the planet. Each kriya, or sequence, was more challening than the one before it and the place it took you was so deep and raw and yet powerful that you couldn't not do it again the next day, and it did help me get to where I am with understanding energy flow and being able to use that in my eventual return to the Ashtanga Yoga practice.

But even worse, the teachings of Abraham is the hardest thing on the planet, more so than either of the other two. Not because there is anything hard physically to do, but the mental work is the most difficult part and the emotional work, omg I can't even talk about it. Then the dawning in my mind that yoga, is really about the mental work but using the body as a tool to get it under control first, then the mind can flow more easily.

The teachings were hard at first because they ask you to notice how you feel, all the fucking time, but noticing that is just the beginning. You have to know what you were thinking about as you notice how you feel, because the emotion was brought up by the thought and the direction of the emotion, whether it be "bad" or "good" shows where you are in relation to the thing you were thinking about. AASARRRahghhhbh!!! lol

So, when you've done it for a while, it does get easier and you are able to catch yourself more quickly or sooner than you used to, so that you don't go down that dark path too far and it is more simple to work your way back to better feeling thoughts, and eventually that gets easier and easier and your "bad" days get fewer and fewer between but even better is that the thing you're calling "bad" gets less and less so, so that bad may be feeling indifferent whereas a year ago it meant anger so strong you wanted to strangle someone.

So, why am I drawn to all the hardest paths possible? I don't know. But I do believe we, when still not in a body, choose our path and choose it based on who we'll be born to and such, so that we can have an experience different than one we've lived in another life, maybe. So our physicality will be a certain way, or our upbringing a certain way. Or whatever, just so that being in a body is a new experience that we come here to grow and expand in, in new ways. So I chose this and therefore I have to make peace with it, because only after I've made peace with it can I begin to appreciate the contrast that is brought to me by me and grow and expand even further.

It all makes sense to me, I get it, I believe in it and how I've discovered it works, so am therefore more easily able to find peace with things.

All of this to say, today, I'm having one of those dark days of the soul. Not dark like they were when I was in my teens, twenties or even part of my thirties after I'd begun yoga, but one of those days where being a little down is just the easier place to go than to be a being full of light and love. Also, on these days where I feel like I need to be around people and feel their love and light (maybe those Happy People I so named this article after) I cannot manifest them in my existence, at all, it's impossible. I did one today though and we spent a few hours together, and a couple others texted with me. So there is my new point of attraction. I am progressing further forward and feeling lighter and lighter, so now the dark days are even more so like at dusk than at night, they still have a little light in them, or a medium amount of light in them. My last one about a month ago I couldn't even raze one of the light people.

See there, I've made myself feel even better than I did at the beginning of this article, good job!

If none of this makes any sense to you, that's okay, its really for me to release this stuff that I write these blogs and if by chance it benefits someone else as well, then that's the bonus.

Love you, happy holiday, see you soon!

Manifesting Mysore

So, on Facebook many people I'm connecting with are authorized or certified teachers in the Ashtanga Yoga tradition and for them Sharath is doing a special teacher training in July and August, and many of them are there and are posting pics already.

It excites me to see this because now I know where these places are that I'm seeing, I've been there, or have been close in person. Which makes me excited to go back.

When I got home I devised a plan to teach and then to save all donations from the park and go back to Mysore in November and December, coming home in January sometime. But so far I've had to use the donations from the park to live off of and haven't put any of it away. So, starting soon I'm going to do just that and visualize and feel Mysore all around me so that I can make it happen again.

I thought of doing another gofundme campaign as well, and I know some people who even have spiritual sponsors that are funding their yoga journeys, there are many ways to do this. But I think I'd like to teach yoga and let the yoga pay for another yoga trip. Typically in St. Louis yoga teachers don't make that much money being the problem there. I'm really not opposed to having a sponsor, so if you want private lessons for the rest of your life and want to pay for me to go to Mysore peridiocally, applications now being accepted! lol

This isn't going to be a long post, I just wanted to share how excited I am to teaching Ashtanga Yoga and in order to keep up my practice and be a better teacher I need to keep going to Mysore and furthering my experience within the Ashtanga Yoga system with my teacher there, and thinking of that excites me too.

Come to class and help me get back to India so that I can come back again and be more and more excited to teach you guys, I love this stuff!

back to "normal" ... ?

So, I've had a few different discussions this week that have pointed to getting to feeling back to normal. Normal to me is better put in quotes like in the title of this article, because what is normal? It is a relative term, right?

I think so because what is normal for me, is not normal for you or anyone else, nor should it be.

But, the big question is, as we move through this life and if you're practicing yoga, and I'm talking about yoga, not just asana (although asana tends to lead you into a deeper place that makes you take interest in the fuller aspects of yoga if you're open to it) as it's meant to be practiced in the east with the fullness of your being seeking liberation then you are trying to remove the veils, koshas in Sanskrit.

Veils you ask? I never thought of it like this before, even though I've read plenty of scripture that uses this terminology, I don't think we get it until we GET it, have that aha moment. Mine was yesterday.

So the idea is that we are spirit, a bright shining soul that is powerful and glowing with this inner power. As we come to the earth to inhabit a body we are cloaked in veil after veil of heavier and heavier substance until we basically forget we are the soul and identify with only the body and the material things in front of our face. But the Eastern traditions have many spiritual paths that are meant to unveil us so that we realize again that we are this bright, shiny spirit underneath it all. And you know those people who are on that path, they do have a glow and you can feel their energy when they walk into the room and the more veils they've uncloaked themselves from the bigger that energy is.

So as I started the practice of yoga and began to have little aha moments, little realizations towards this end, I thought of it as transforming myself into a new bright and shiny being, but the converse is true I now believe.

I am slowly uncovering the true me and the further and further I unveil the more different I feel and the more different I feel and the more different I feel, and even bigger, the more different those around me respond to me.

So, in a conversation back to normal came up, but I said to myself, what if back to normal is not an option. If as is said, the only constant is change, and we as yogis are meant to be able to adapt to any situation as it comes up and be equanimous in each situation, then aren't we also meant to be okay with whom we are as we unveil our true self? And I mean as we truly are.

Think of a lamp and you've put many cloths over it it create a mood, so its still light in the room even though it's dark outside, but it's darker and even a bit green, red or whatever the color the veils you've put over it are. But you remove one, notice the difference, it's lighter, but still a mood albeit a different mood than before, and then another, and another. The mood slightly shifts as each piece of cloth is taken away. BUT as you remove each piece of cloth the room becomes more the room as it is normally before you put all those veils over it. The light bulb is your true self, your "normal" self, not what you thought was you as you were before you began removing the veils when you started your practice of yoga, or Buddhist meditation, or Kabbalah, or whatever you're doing that's bringing you closer to your true self. So will you ever get back to the "normal" that you originally meant? I hope to hell not, you've taken all this time to work in the direction you are going, so normal will be constantly changing until you unveil the bare light bulb which I don't even know if it's possible while we're in a body to do so, but we can get as close as we can.

So, next time you use that phrase "I can't wait to get back to normal." Think about it, do you really want that? Nah, you want the new normal and the next normal and the constant evolution of what that means at that moment, not what you were way back when. Don't you?

Slow going...

So, when I got home from India my plan was to get my classes going again, start the income flowing and then when the park started I could put that money directly in the bank and use it to go back to India in the fall/winter. The park class is a donation based class and while I don't make good money per student, probably only about 60% actually donate, it's an hour class and I can make decent money.

So far that class has been amazing, lots of people great donations, great questions after and this year I have some great assistants to help them out, with over 200-over 300 coming weekly I can't help them all. So, no complaints on that front at all. But my classes at studios have been slow, so slow. What's going on? I'm not a person who believes in lack and I do believe there is more than enough for everyone, so the fact that many of the older teachers in town have been complaining that there are just too many teachers being pumped out doesn't usually bother me. All this while they are doing teacher trainings to keep their studios afloat mind you lol.

So what is it? I've changed, I know that, and the students here have too. The ones who are coming are strong and eager for the deeper work they're doing with the primary series, so, it's me... Has to be.

Not me in the way you think I'm saying, I'm not saying I suck and no one wants to take my class. I like me and think I'm moving in the direction that fuels my fire, but I've just been in a lackful state of mind for a while.

Before I left, I was so excited and in that excitement was inviting abundance from the universe and got it, now, not so much.

I am getting back to feeling better and in feeling better can cultivate that excitement again that will draw more profitability to me and then I'll be good again.

No, dammit, I'm good again now. Intentionality has to be in the present and forward not when I get there I'll get this, so I'm good now. The universe is flowing and is abundant and has enough to give me to live off of, to put away for India and to just put away for a rainy day. It has enough to send me all around the globe if I so choose, I just have to make up my mind about where I want to go and buy the ticket!

Money comes to me easily and often, money comes to me easily and often, money comes to me easily and often!!!

I haven't posted in a while...

So here it goes, I have no idea what I want to write, just that I want to write.

There is much going on in my mind lately, should I add a class here? there? should I drop this class? should I quit teaching and just get a job and focus on my practice? (decided no on that one btw, I really hate everything except teaching yoga) should I move? do I really want to move with the fact that I want to go back to India in the fall and don't want a lease to worry about? should I move to a whole other state? or country? should I go live in a cave and say fuck society? what should I do with myself????

I really don't know. India kinda fucked me up. Not in a bad way at all, but in a way that made me know I've been complacent in the design of my future, so I need to figure out what I want to do with myself.

Ok, I know I want to focus on teaching Ashtanga Yoga, it is amazing and has changed my life. I know it can be applied as a therapeutic practice, a challenging practice, a workout, a deep, deep way to connect to ones inner self. So, I want to teach Mysore style, yes that I do... I add on one Mysore style class Sunday mornings, its been going for 4 weeks and is doing very well, for a brand new class especially.

I love this style of teaching. So I like teaching some other classes that are led so that people can get that as well, the breath count, the sequence, all of that, but Mysore style is it.

I really, really want to go back to India for two months in the fall/winter to study further with Sharath, possibly take an extra couple weeks to go north and see the Ganga and the Himalayas, both of which I'm drawn to desperately, they over there say I've lived there in another life.

So, I've started the moving forward in life, and I'm okay with that for now but am still in the mood for more and more and more. More what? More teaching right now, adding on a few more classes would be good for me so if you know of any place, let me know! lol, Also, maybe more in other areas too. Maybe explore some dating? Maybe going on a few more trips than usual? Maybe, maybe, maybe...

Maybe a lot of things. I'm open and want to see what it is that my little heart desires, join me for the ride?

India pt. 2

Yes, I'm calling this India part 2, not because I'm going to write more about India, although I could do that, but mostly because I believe India is still working it's magic on my life.

I still feel like I'm walking and doing most things in a daze, or not a daze, I'm coherent, but more like I'm watching a movie, observing all these things happening to this guy in the film, he looks a lot like me but more blonde and thinner, maybe a bit better looking too...lol.

So, I'm trying to figure out what that means. I felt that way much of the time in India, like I was observing this guy schlep about, to eat lunch, to take a shower, to have a nap, to meet friends for an outing, to bed. The only time I never felt like I was watching myself, but felt like I was actually the doer and be er of the situation was when I was walking to the shala in the morning, that walk was sacred to me most mornings. It was quiet, other than the one time I woke the dogs up and they barked at me half the way in, but then when I walked up the steps, left my shoes on the porch and walked into the foyer to either wait or be called in to practice, at that point, when Sharath said "One More" and pointed to me to come in, that's when the observer took over and the rest of my day was viewed through his lense.

Right now, and a large part of today, I felt completely present and not in this state, so maybe it's something that will change eventually much like my getting use to being here again, with time.

So, now I'm living my life back in the routine, almost exactly the same routine that I grew into before I left. Yes, I'm saying that with a little vitriol, meaning I love teaching and love teaching Ashtanga most, so when I'm doing that and counting the breaths (which I've been doing since I got home) I feel the most happy, comfortable and at peace with myself that I do all the rest of the day. So what can I do to shake things up? Teach more? Where? Go on a float trip? (that I'm doing in a couple weeks) Go away for a weekend somewhere new? Yes, that sounds good. Move? Yes, I want to move, somewhere new here? Somewhere completely new and start all over again? Maybe...

I don't know, but this an invite to the universe to shake things up, maybe not violently and with smoother edges than it had last week, please? But yes, I'm ready for new things, new blood, new paths to tread, new corners to stick my nose into, just plain new stuff!

So, if you read this, consider yourself invited to join me for the ride, or to facilitate something new, we're all in this together, so let's act like it!!!

India

Ok, it's been a while since I've written, but I didn't have a computer after Seabrook left so I'm home now, and I'm starting to feel "normal" again, unfortunately lol, so I'm writing now.

I think I've mostly kept you all updated on many fronts, on here a bit, on Facebook a lot and since I've been back I filled some of you in, a bit.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to just sit down and talk about what the experience was like, because it's something that sticks with you and slowly integrates, but integrates in a way (so far anyway) that is very personal and private and not something there may even be words to share it with. So I'll do my best to tell a story, or share an anecdote as they come up in normal conversation and just in life in general.

I've decided that I'll be going back to Mysore in November/December to study with Sharath some more. There are no authorized or certified teachers in our area, I'm pretty much one of the only two who've been over there to do the deeper work in this system, in St. Louis anyway, there are a few in Chicago and maybe some other areas semi close, but not here. Since I don't have a teacher I really absorbed everything Sharath told me or shared with me and do my best to utilize it in my practice and have decided that I'll be the authorized teacher in the area, eventually, and so need to travel over there at least once a season to stay fresh in his mind as a practitioner, but also to keep the learning fresh in my being. As I learn, you all benefit from it as well. I'm not sure how it'll all come out tomorrow at my first class since I've returned but we'll see, it'll be a surprise for us all!

I did finish the primary series over there, under his tutelage and have actually been having amazing practices since I've been home. When you finish primary series in India you start to work on deep back bending before the closing sequence, to balance out the forward bending, and that is what I'm working on at home. If you come to my classes you know we do three or so back bends before a deep forward bend and then the inversions of the closing sequence, well when you're there you learn the stand up from your third back bend and and then drop back, then you do that a couple more times, then someone is meant to be helping you do half drop backs to open up the spine more and then you work towards grabbing or "catching" as Sharath calls it, your ankles and yes from the drop back...

Since I've been home I've been able to stand up and drop back but today I practiced with a friend who just did a teaching immersion with Kino MacGregor and she was able to help me do the half drop backs, which was awesome.

Before I left I had a meeting with Sharath about my practice and how to proceed, he asked me when I was coming back I said I hoped to in the fall and he said just do primary and work on the back bending all summer, to get my spine opened up and the energy flowing, the nervous system good and toned, then when I come back he'll start me on the intermediate series, if I was coming back later he said maybe he would have me work on Pashasana, the first posture of intermediate series. So that is what I'm doing. When you have as talented a teacher as he is as your teacher you listen to them. He knows my stuff and where it is in my body and mind, so I trust him.

I'm missing aspects of India but am feeling more at home again here, although I will say this. People here are scattered, all caught up in their head and act frazzled all the time, but folks, life here is fairly simple and easy flowing, so get over that shit! In India life is crazy, there is everything, yes literally everything, happening all at once and yet the people stay calm, focused and present. They are resolved to their karma and believe there is nothing they can do about it so just stay focused on the task at hand, in the present, not worrying about things they can't do anything about until they get to them, like we do, but present, right where they are at that very moment.

So we need to work on this. Come to yoga class, but for gods sake start studying the deeper aspects of the philosophy and put it into play in your life, learn how to be present and observing of what's in front of you at that time and deal with that and only that then, then the next thing, then the next...etc...

Well, that's enough for now. I have to go catch up on RuPaul's Drag Races' newest season and watch the first episode of Game of Thrones before the new episodes of each in the next few days, but I'm also tired and ready to chill before teaching at the farmers market tomorrow and teacher training all afternoon.

So take care, and be present!

Supta Kurmasana

So, I think that finally, after 14 years of practicing this system of Ashtanga Yoga, minus 4 years in there, coming back to it and, again, finally making my way to its source in Mysore, India, I may be understanding this yoga path.

So when I arrived after I'd had so much trouble getting here, 52.5 hours worth of travel specifically, my back wasn't happy and had seized up in the lumbar region, sacrum as well, or so it seemed.

I did my first class, which was on a Sunday and on Sundays here all classes are led ones, not my favorite, but I got to Marichasana D and Sharath attempted to get me into it and couldn't. Maybe a little close, but no, not really lol...

So the next day in the typical Mysore style class I came in last person of the day and went into the practice with great focus and made it through Marichasana D on my own, he even came by and asked me if I got it and one of his assistants had seen me, so I referred him to the assistant for confirmation that I in fact had. So he went into his office and I continued onward through the series. He stopped me at supta kurmasana, which was fine. I wasn't used to the heat and it was killing me, my body wasn't opening up so much just yet and I was fine with it. And I since restarting the system I hadn't been able to bind in said posture yet anyway, so technically I wasn't supposed to move past it.

So for the next two and a half weeks I've been stuck at that posture. I decided when I arrived here I was going to surrender to Sharath and embrace him as my teacher and so I was, and in that room you can't go past where he tells you to stop anyway, it's just not allowed. But I was doing fine with it the first week, then the second week I began to get frustrated. This week Monday and Tuesday (today is Wednesday) I was so close, so close.

One day Nnadi, one of Sharath's assistants helped me get into it but I couldn't hold it, too sweaty, then yesterday he helped me again and put my hand towel in my palm so that I could get the traction to maintain it, and I was able to. Felt amazing too! Then I came out, all happy with myself and started backbending, leading into the closing sequence. Sharath saw me at my first lift up, and when I lowered down he caught my eye and said "you did supta kurma?" "Yes," I said. "Do it again now, so I can see." So I promptly went into kurmasana and then started transitioning into supta kurmasana where his assistant Ganapati came and started getting me into it, then quickly I saw brown feet move into what little vision I had and realized Sharath had come and moved him out of the way and was doing the surgery himself...lol.

He got me there, he's very skillful and better at adjusting than anyone I've ever seen or felt, but again, I was too sweaty and couldnt' hold it. He last week had admitted his frustration with me not getting this pose and even said he wanted me to get it, so was personally going to help me with it, and so it became a mission with him. But I digress.

Yesterday afternoon I went and had trigger point therapy where I found out my right QL was tigher and shorter than my left and so the guy proceeded to use the technique to release my right one and gave me exercises to do that would correct the problem in two weeks. So that in mind I went to practice this morning and found much more space in my torso, front and back, which was nice, so I made my way through the series of postures as I know them and realized that I was going to get into the pose today, maybe even by myself.

Now Sharath, whether by design or not, positioned me right in front of the dais he sits on when not moving around the room and so when I was in navasana I realized he was there, and he was reading the paper, but never to let that fool you, he still knows everything going on in that room. So I made my way into kurmasana, ahhh, it felt nice with all that space, then I began the transition, and got to a point and off the stage he comes and gets behind me to move my bones into place. He got my shoulders deeply under my legs and then made me move my arm back on my own, not the normal way, but he obviously wanted to see how far I could get them, then bound my fingers, and yes I was holding them tightly, then moved my legs behind my head with his leg in between them so I could squeeze it with mine and make the bind tighter (very nice adjustment trick) and I held it and he yelled "Pass!" " go onto Garbha Pindasana after vinyasa." So I did, he stopped me at supta padangusthasana so that I didn't do too much with the new space, telling me "slowly, slowly... we open you."

But the elation and release I felt is really what this was all about. I had been stuck at that posture and was dealing with physical feelings, emotional feeling and energetic blocks that I had never even realized were there, but this process showed me a lot about that, and now I state I think I actually understand why this system is taught the way it is, amazing!

>So when I come back and teach, know that if I stop you in your practice, it's not at all because I'm being mean, it's completely so that you can get into that space and work through the issue, mental or energetic, that is causing that tightness or that block and release it, let it go, get rid of it and move on in life!

Saturday, our day off..

So, in the Ashtanga tradition we take Saturdays off, to rub ourselves down with oil which helps to relieve tension in our muscles and our mind as well, to have a full day of integration of the insights that come from our practice. I believe also to have the day to practice feeling okay without doing the physical practice, which can be a crutch to our well being. If you practice yoga you know that it makes you feel better, it does. But you also may never take a day off from the asana practice to be able to practice those good feelings just by using the power of your mind, which all said is what yoga is anyway, right? Yogas Citta Vrtti Nirodhah=yoga is the cessation of fluctuations of the mind. So we're using the asana practice to calm the nervous system down so that we can enact the practice of the yamas and niyamas, google them, I may write about them some day but their interpretation is neverending through the eyes of many different individuals, so I'll save my opinion for another time. So today, I slowly woke up, or rather my bowels which move very quickly and frequently here, woke me up and I lay down for a bit longer after answering their call. The sun was just coming up, which by our standards in Missouri is late at almost 7am, but it was lovely. The women were just starting to sweep their front stoops, the birds were calling their neverending call, a sound I can't explain as we just have nothing to compare it to (but it's lovley), and so I finally got up, did a neti pot, put oil in my mouth to pull with, got on Facebook, answered some messages, meditated, did pranayama, chanted to Lakshmi for abundance,did my castor oil bath, showered, washed a few shirts while I was in there chilled for a bit then left to meet a friend for breakfast at Khushi, thinking I would get a chai beforehand. I was sitting on the steps at Khushi waiting for him and decided to write in my journal. What I realized while writing there was that everyone here seems to be so distraught and dealing with all of their shit, so quickly, almost as soon as you get here. Here, we are so outside our comfort zone that our emotions, thoughts, our very inner being is so close to the surface and we're just not used to that. At home we sit very deeply in our comfort zone and when you're there your emotions allow themselves to get buried, sometimes fairly deeply and so we have to postulate, or take a few days to see how we feel about things as they come up. Here, very much outside our comfort zone, they sit near the surface and when something comes up, out the words and feelings come very much before we've given anything a second thought, so we feel odd because in the west we just aren't used to dealing with them like this. So now I'm thinking of how to maintain this closeness and intouchness with my emotions and even with my body when I get home. Do I move? Somewhere new in St. Louis, or completely away from St. Louis? Do I shave my head and become a monk, or maybe never cut my hair again and become a monk? Do I get lots of tattoos and peircings? Get my point? It's about taking myself outside my comfort zone, daily, not just sporadically as we tend to do in the midwest, if at all, but daily. This too can be part of my yoga practice and should be as far as I'm concerned. I make my students uncomfortable daily, so I have to do this with myself as well. One person suggested I start a Sanskrit study group once I'm back, to keep my studies of this lovely, ancient language going, but to spark the beginnings of their interest in it. One thing I'll probable also do is change all or most of classes to the Ashtanga practice, which is something I can't not teach, even though I'm not authorized or certified (yet), what else can I do? What makes you uncomfortable? Do you avoid it completely, or embrace it and dive in? One thing I love about the Lululemon company is their manifesto, which consists of many one liners about embracing life more fully, but the one I've always resonated with the most is Do Something Once A Day That Scares You... Do you?