Twin Peaks (David Lynch)/India/Real Life...

A few weeks back I was wondering how to watch Game of Thrones, then a friend posted on Facebook a link to watching it each week, so that desire found quick manifestation. Then after watching the second episode I realised there are lots of current movies showing on their and current tv series and such also. A few months back I had been wondering how I could watch the new season of Twin Peaks and boom, it's also on here.

Now for some reason it doesn't always play smoothly, I have to wait for it to load a bit, but in general not too many setbacks. During this time everyone was telling me to wait till episode 8, it's completely crazy, it's a game changer, etc, etc... So I was slowly making my way through the episodes until 8, yesterday I started it. And it was barely playing, like a minute at a time, then a loading, then another, and another. So I almost gave up. But I think it taking so long was also part of the process for me, to have to work so hard to see something I had so much expectation around was moving through a blocked energy pattern almost for me.

I finally after 4 hours, not consecutive, finally have seen the whole episode. It was the craziest hour of television probably every made, but I slowly realised a few things. David Lynch makes everything that is "normal" so strange and everything that is completely off the wall seem so normal. Like a guy trying to break through from another dimension to reinhabit a body of a doppelgänger he somehow produced 25 years ago was smooth and easy to watch, flowed nicely, made sense and then a scene of a cop and a the desk clerk just chatting or having a phone conversation is drawn out, makes you feel crazy and want to strangle someone, maybe even yourself for watching it.

He makes the mundane seem so bizarre and the bizarre seem so mundane. This is how I've always viewed life, those things like being a housewife and all its duties seem like anethema to me whereas the converse seems more normal. It's normal for me to feel energy shifts, but to think of going home and cooking dinner for someone, let alone for me makes me feel terrible. So I get his art.

Another thing is that it is the strangest stuff you can possibly see, and seems to make no sense at all mostly. You're wondering what's going on and how did we get to Nine Inch Nails playing from the first atomic bomb being set off?!? LOL...But this morning when I walked into the Ganesh temple and Ganesh was not Ganesh, he was Lakshmi (which does happen from time to time in this particular temple; each day he is different, one day covered in turmeric, one day in vibhuti, one day in bananas, one day in leaves, many days he's just his normal black basalt self then occasionally he's a goddess...) it made me realise that David Lynch's art, whether it's one of his movies, his music, or his tv series, is unpredictable. You never know what is going to happen next. It doesn't follow the "normal" storyline type scenario that most movies or tv shows follow. And it is just like India.

India, you know what your street looks like, what your house is like, what your town is like, but when you come out to meet it each time you never know what is going to be there. One day you come out and there are cows grazing in your yard, one day there is no power, one day the river is very high, the next very low. Each moment there is no way to predict what will happen or in what order it will happen, or how it will happen, but it will likely happen whatever it is.

And isn't this like real life? Moreso than a very planned and scheduled existence? Do you find that you can make plans and they often get sidetracked into another way of doing them, or to a whole other day, or traffic is horrible and you have to reschedule, or, or, or...

I've always noticed since I saw the first movie of his way back in the 80's, Blue Velvet it might have been, that his movies and Twin Peaks always stimulated creativity in me. And this is what I always heard was supposed to happen from witnessing great art, like Picasso or something like that. But in my youth this never happened for me until David Lynch, and then recently in Germany I saw some work in a museum by Gerhard Richter and it stimulated me into a great period of writing and creative thought. So now I'm older and am finally getting it!

I'm finally understanding that art imitates life and life imitates art. They are both very strange and very unpredictable, as is India, so no wonder I feel so stimulated and creative when I'm immersed in her. Very cool.

Now I've written this and had felt like I would write some and see what great stories came out, but now I'm feeling like a nap, so maybe after that haha. Good day...

Indian? Or not...?

No, I know I'm not technically an Indian. It's not a debate I have inside even, I am very American, even though I only feel this when I'm in India. When I'm in the U.S. I feel very Indian. I don't like things when I'm there that even remind me that I'm not there, lol, yes I'm a bit ridiculous.

But this term going around a LOT these days is cultural appropriation. I don't like the term, I just looked it up to make sure what the exact definition of it is and to see how I felt about it. I don't like it. Here's the meaning from wikipedia: Cultural appropriation is the adoption or use of the elements of one culture by members of another culture. ... Often, the original meaning of these cultural elements is lost or distorted, and such displays are often viewed as disrespectful by members of the originating culture, or even as a form of desecration.

I do not feel like this applies to me at all and I've never been accused of this, so I'm not so sure why it bothers me so much. I also read an article yesterday written by a girl who was raised in one country but was of two different origins nationality wise and so was cross cultural in every way, but because she looked Asian she was often given shit about those things that are stereotypically someone of Chinese origin. These are her words, not mine. God knows I"m not politically correct, so I don't know if I'm wording these thing properly or not, so forgive me if I'm not.

Anyhow, the point of her writing, and it was a long one, but was very interesting, was that no one really knows her origins so even though they were assuming she's Chinese, she's not, but if she were using the stereotypes to get away with shit then it would be culturally appropriating those things. And she was not was her point. And how can we really do this without actually knowing what culture someone comes from? If you're looking at a woman who looks Asian and assume she's Chinese you're kind of fucked up anyway as there are tons of others such as Korean, Vietnamese, etc, etc... And Indians are Asian, so are Russians technically, and many others that don't look Chinese.

Like I said it was an interesting article and made me think a lot, but I forgot about it until today when I started the first few lines of this book by Shankaranarayana Jois about traditional yoga (and it's in the Green House, and yes he's likely one of Pattabhi's relatives) and the village he came from and all his beginnings, then I remembered the article and then I decided I wanted to write to rid myself of some of these thoughts about this stuff.

I'm reading just the first few paragraphs literally, and I've not gotten any further just yet, but I was wondering about myself. I feel Indian, I know I'm not. I feel I understand many things of their way of life. I feel very in touch with a deeper sense of spirit due to my asana practice, and even more so from my greater yoga practice. Also from going to temples daily. Today even is an auspicious day to visit a Shiva temple because it's a new moon and also a special day for those who worship Shiva, so my friend and drove to Nanjangud and visited the Srikanteshwara temple there, which is about 45 minutes away. We even left super early to avoid the huge crowds that will descend upon this temple on these special days.

But if I had not done that I would have went to my local Shiva temple near Loyal World, because this feels like my tradition. Not some Indian tradition I picked up and blindly follow because I think I'm supposed to, but because in my heart it felt like the thing to do today. So does that make me a cultural appropriator? No, I don't think so.

When I came to yoga in 2000 I immediately was drawn to the stories of how yoga came to us from Shivaa and was studying them and the eight limbs and felt like this was it for me. Like I knew this stuff and had heard of it a long time before. In the US much of the yoga is very separated from it's Hindu roots but for me this has never been the case. So I follow much of the Hindu, or Sanatana Dharma as it's really called, path and do my best to live my life by it.

Do I see much cultural appropriation going on around me? Maybe so, but not so much in the Ashtanga Yoga world, moreso in the other sub sections of "yoga." Am I judgmental about it? Yes but not really at the same time.

My first instinct is to judge them and then I can remember that in the Shaivite teachings that all is Shiva, or all is God and so how can it be wrong what they're doing? It is only one expression of an experience from someone who maybe is not so in touch with their inner divine roots. Ummm, maybe that was judgemental too? Yes, it was, but it's okay. I feel the way I feel.

I love yoga, it's hard, some days feels like it's going to kill me, can be annoying to always be working on myself, but I still love it. I love living my life as a Hindu, going to temple, having my own altar in my home and worshipping at both daily. I love being connected with Indians in general and I love that when someone asks me where I'm from and I say the US but I'm here and love it and won't be going back, they're so proud of their country and say thanks for feeling this way (even though they are usually wanting to leave and go to the US...lol). I also love that often when Indians find out I teach yoga they are thankful for me spreading their culture and then they want me to teach them yoga since it's a lost art among their own people. I also tell them I'm seeing more and more coming to yoga so it will slowly spread around again here.

But most of all what I love is how they are always connecting with you, with me. Good example, Friday night my friend and I went to a local Adi Shakti temple, a Goddess temple and Friday is the typical day to celebrate worshipping the divine feminine, but that Friday in particular was the end of a month of a big celebration of the Goddess so was extra special. So they serve prasad, food offered to the deity first thereby blessed and then given to us. We had already been inside the temple, taken our dracaena with the deity, been given the blessings they typically bestow, we walked around her, and were outside sitting in the courtyard, where there was much activity as those were doing the extra little worshipful things they do on these days. That's too much to share here, maybe another post sometime.

But then they started giving out food inside and many had has their own food they brought blessed by the goddess as well. And all were sharing. So one man came and gestured for us to get inside and get our prasad, his words were all in Kannada the local language but we understood what he meant. Then another and then another, then a man came with his own prasad he'd had blessed and brought it to us so we didn't even have to move. But it was dusk, there was that surreal quality that twilight holds and then all this love towards those, not just us but everyone was making sure everyone was getting food blessed by the goddess, of us who hadn't realised they were serving or hadn't gotten our food yet. That just makes my heart melt and makes me so proud to be a part of this culture, and yes I do feel a part.

I can't explain much more about that experience, maybe in person because you can feel my energy when I'm telling it or see the expression on my face, or hear the intonation in my voice and that would make the experience more palpable for you. But it was something that warms me and makes me feel love for this place I call home and these people I consider my own.

So no, I don't culturally appropriate anything from them. They are happy that I share all the knowledge I have of their culture with other Westerners and are excited to talk about it. They love to hear how much I love it here and that I feel it's my home. And the love to tell me that I've been Indian in past lives otherwise these things would not have blossomed inside me the way they have, so I am an Indian to them. I also love hearing them as well.

Thanks for reading!

Sadhu...

A sadhu is a holy man in India. They often drop out of society and live on the fringe with little food, little clothing and little else. There are organizations of sadhus as well and you can drop in to one of them if you're so inclined. I have no idea if its that easy, but after having read Autobiography of a Sahdu about a Western man who joined one I don't really think it's so easy to fit into one. It kind of has to have been your calling as a young boy.

When I was a young boy I was being raised Christian, and I never identified with being someone who worshipped Jesus as the Christ. I identified with being him, or like him. I always wanted to just go off and do whatever it was he was doing. Of course not realizing how hard of a life it was being out in nowhere with nothing.

But then life happened and I did the things I was supposed to do, I got a job, I worked 40 or more hours per week, had vacation days, got drunk a lot to deal with the lack of a real life or fulfilment of purpose in that life, etc, etc, etc. I've written about all that stuff too many times, no need to get into it again.

When I came to yoga that longing to be that man who dropped out of society resurfaced though and I in my studies of all things India found out that at one point in time they actually revered the men and few women who were drawn to this path. And even now while the parents may throw a fit when their child is drawn to this path, once they are on it and are wearing the ochre coloured robes, people in general will bow, touch their feet and venerate them because they are taking the holy path in becoming a renunciate.

I've lived in society for a long time, 47 years now, and I've realized that I love teaching yoga and will do that but now I'm in India and at a point where my finances are very low and my mind is trying to think of things to do to bring in some income.

I am in the town where my teacher resides so I'm not supposed to open a shala here, but teaching is what I want to do and many locals know that my teacher gave me the authority to teach, so have been asking me to teach them. So I am teaching a couple of them individually just for donations and it's very fulfilling. But again my mind keeps wanting to get involved and tell me I need to work and make more money than that. But I'm okay for now I tell it and kind of dismiss it, it goes away, but then it comes back with a vengeance later. My shoulders and neck are even aching from thinking and scrunching up this muscles too much. Not something I'm used to doing, I'm usually very good at having faith and trusting and then I'm fine and all things work out the way they are supposed to.

Then the idea of being a sadhu comes back into my consciousness. So I'm thinking, hmmm, if I just drop out of society I cannot have to worry about having a place to stay, or needing money to buy dinner, or blah, blah, blah. I've also read a few books recently of holy men, sadhus or aghoris who stay in society and pay bills and live like a "normal" person but secretly have this deep inner life, and I like the idea of that too.

There is a even a German guy in Rishikesh who just threw his passport into the Ganga and donned ochre robes and lives as a sadhu, he gets food daily from a local ashram or donations from those who see him and venerate the lifestyle he is living. And he avoids talking when police are around so they don't check into him and find out he shouldn't still be in India. Which sounds kind of gangster and inspires me too, hahahaha, I've always been a button pusher and someone who doesn't like to follow the rules that have been lain down by some ambiguous authority that none of us knows or understands, but probably that would not be the choice I would make.

In face the closest thing I found that I agree with and could likely be a part of is that Anandamayi Ma ashram in Uttarkashi which housed the Kali temple I loved there so much. That place and those swamis and their approach to life and the way they lived inside the ashram would be somewhere I could live and agree with for sure, but when I check I find out to join you go to the Haridwar branch and start by serving there, and Uttarkashi is the only place I think I'd be happy. So maybe that means I am not really wanting to be a renunciate.

If you're ready to be a renunciate, at least in my idea of things, wherever you were and whatever tasks you're assigned wouldn't matter to you. You'd be happy just doing anything and being anywhere because you've found this blissful state that persists no matter the situation, true equanimity which is my goal in yoga but apparently I'm no closer to than I was many years ago!

So I stay on this path, and all of it is my path. Wherever it leads me I've not gotten on my path, I can't, it's my path and so will always be the right way. Get broke and have to live in the gutter, that's still my path, live high off the hog, still on it, not matter where I go or what I do if I'm following my heart I'm still on my path. Probably even if I'm following my head more than my heart I'm still on my path, because at that time my path lead me to think too much and go that way, there are lessons to be learned there as well.

This is where I am today, just putting it out there like I do everything else. Lately I've met some who seem to think I'm a bit too much, or too extreme in my words, actions or behaviours. But I am just me, that's the only thing I can be. If I'm too much for you, sorry, but this is it. If you can't handle what comes out of my mouth, sorry again, but I don't mean it personally, I only am saying it the best way I know to release the energy of the point I'm trying to get across. So it's just that way when you're in my presence.

I love you all and am only able to give you all of myself, whatever that means at the time...

Kali...

Ok, three times this week I've been asked about my posting so much stuff on Kali and/or the Goddess lately. I actually was just asked again at lunch so I'm going to write about that, no idea how this will come out, but here it goes...

When I began yoga I started hearing about Shiva all the time because in the Hindu cosmology he is who gave yoga to us humans. He was teaching the lessons to his wife and was overheard and that overhearing was delivered to us.

Coming to yoga I was a young, gay man who partied a lot, maybe I should even write a LOT. And when I first came out in my late teens I had been a somewhat effeminate young man but when I came out I was "trained" to be very effeminate. Now whether I came across as that to others I don't know, but to myself I was putting on more than I really felt was actually me. But I did it because it was how I was supposed to be as a gay man in the Midwest.

Then yoga came into my life and it started awakening the more masculine part of my self. I started getting bulkier, feeling more but in a more controlled way and I even think my voice got deeper haha. But it gave me a bit of a crisis of faith and I was wondering how I was "supposed" to be, this nelly man, or the more masculine me that was emerging. Or was I somewhere in between?!? Who knew at that point.

As I started to get to know myself more and more I realised that I can be very in touch with my feminine side, but I can also be a guy still, and I liked being whomever I was in each moment. Then I left Ashtanga and found Kundalini Yoga, where I felt a bit more pressure to be a more masculine sort of archetype, a leader of sorts who was boisterous and knew what he was talking about. So I pushed down the more feminine side of myself, and again was feeling less balanced.

As I came back to Ashtanga and decided to come to India I noticed in the Indian men that they are very in touch with both aspects of themselves and don't judge themselves for it at all, they just are who they are. Now, I know this a general, sweeping statement and is not true for each and every one but in general this is what I noticed. So it made me take notice of me again and wonder who I was being.

So I started just allowing myself more, meaning whatever came out, came out and sometimes it would be one, sometimes another but it was me either way. My yoga deepened, my sense of self deepened.

I was getting away from the overtly masculine Sikh persona and embracing a more Hindu version of myself and studying the Gods again, going to temples, researching and learning about all of it. Then I met this young local fellow who upon my leaving gave me a parting gift of the book Yogic Secrets of the Dark Goddess, and this changed my whole life.

I read all the stories over and over again and even still I carry the book in my traveling and read a random chapter here and there. It also gave me a less scary depiction of Kali. I had seen the goddesses all in my original studies but remember I was working on allowing myself to be more masculine, so I kind of pushed that stuff down so I didn't have to admit it was there. Until this book anyway. It made me rethink everything I'd thought about that divine feminine energy before and started opening me up to the idea of it in a different way.

I'd always had a good relationship with my mother for the most part and any friends or anyone I'd dated, their mothers always loved me and we got along well. So embracing Kali as symbolic of my mother was weird, but it seemed to make more sense. So when I decided to get into her more and more I talked to some people who I knew was in full worship of her and found a pooja to do daily for 108 days and did it, properly actually, which was intense but it really made the things come to the surface.

Kali first and foremost is a demon killer. She is the fullest, rawest potential of the Shakti which is the power behind the universe. So that she became as I did this pooja daily, as my inner demons came out while I was invoking her names I always was allowing her to slay them and send those things no longer serving me on their way. All was good, I've written many times about those experiences. But after all the demons are slaughtered, do you still need a champion? Not really.

Not to say all my demons are gone, but I've resolved some things and feel pretty good most of the time now. But after that I got away from her and again she came back when I got back to Mysore, then again I left, now she's back.

She's back mostly after two experiences I had, one in Varanasi and one in Uttarkashi, both with Kali murthys which I've also written about so I'll spare those details again. But now I have to approach her not as the slayer of ego (demons) anymore, but as the mother. The mother is the scariest thing on the planet when her children are in peril, so she has a fierce countenance. But the mother is soft and will hold you in her arms if you need it as well, both are forms of protection. But both are also things one can invoke within themselves Which is what I try to do.

This is a little bit of why Kali and all her different manifestations, some of which are more scary like Chinnamasta and some of which are more soft and seemingly benign like Kamala, but all are embodiments of the Shakti that births the universe. All are mothers in that sense, to the universe, but to us as well and will protect us beyond any idea we have of needing protection. And all are powerful, so tread lightly when inviting these energies into your life, but never doubt that they will help you!

Intensity...

My practice here in Mysore has taken on an intensity as if I'm practicing at the shala. I've been very inspired since I've been back in India and from that it keeps deepening and getting better, but now this second week here of practice at home I'm feeling this depth that I only feel when I'm here. It often feels like its too much and I'll explode, but like yesterday it was amazing and came with seeming ease, today was the opposite.

My elbows were aching for no reasons, my shoulder and neck muscles hurt and were tight, my sacrum I thought was going to explode the whole time until near the end and so I did only the standing postures and the closing sequence, then I felt okay after. Not too long after my shower I came across the following quote:

"The commitment and dedication required to practice ashtanga yoga is not dependent on the number of asanas we do, but rather on the arrival on one’s mat."

Paul Gold

And then I realised that I had done just that today. I was moving slowly through the postures that I did and rather than worry about getting a "whole" practice in, I just worried about being present with my breath, bandhas and dristhi in the postures I was doing and so felt completely fulfilled by this practice.

Often in the middle of the week, maybe Tuesday or Wednesday, I take a shorter practice because of the intensity that has built up and it seems to release the pressure. Not always do I do this but often and I have no judgement about it. Yoga is my goal in doing this practice, not killing myself. Too often back when I was just beginning and had never exercised much before I was so addicted to the energy flow and endorphin rush that I'd push and push and end up hurting myself, so now that I'm older I don't do this. I push some, but more I feel as if I'm pulling from spirit, somewhere deep inside, to get through it rather than pushing through it and doing damage.

Pulling from spirit strengthens me, gives me grit (as they used to call it in the Kundalini Yoga world), a deep inner strength that can get you through anything in life. Pushing through things physically feels bad, and often leaves you limping after practice as you move about through your day, so it's not the right way for me anymore. Never was, but it took me doing enough damage to myself physically, leaving ashtanga yoga for a completely different thing, becoming Sikh, and then coming back to Ashtanga Yoga slowly to realise this. But, now I do realise it and I'm good.

I started studying Kannada with my Sanskrit chanting teacher and chanting some more too, and that is really good. I love her and am glad to be working with her again. I've started writing more, which is also good, and I also am working through many inner things that have needed tending to. Another thing I did is get an astrology reading by someone who it has been in his family for generations, and boy was that interesting and intense as well.

Everything he said resonated and was right on the money with my past so that made me pay attention to the present things and the upcoming things as well. The best thing about Vedic astrology is that they acknowledge that the human will has say in the things that are coming up, they are not completely just predestined. Either way what he said was exactly as my life has been, even when he mentioned the day before and the current day and my moods. So I listened and that information may be coming out on here at times or in person if you happen to bump into me around Mysore, or it may not.

I'm learning to keep my own council on things and not talk so much, but still being open to connection and a great conversation at any time and in any place.

So, another day is moving on and it's raining finally today so I've stayed inside a lot. Even watched an old video of Pattabhi teaching that I used to watch daily way back when, and it inspired me to move into my physical practice even more again. But now it's time to get a bite to eat and read and get in touch with me some more.

...

New stuff, good stuff is coming. Stay tuned. I was also told I should monetize this blog, how to do?

Stuck...

A little bit I'm feeling stuck in my head, or rather in my mind since our mind is not necessarily in our heads, but the expression sounds better the former way I guess. I'm thinking too much.

I'm not usually a big thinker, or rather I used to be and I've learned how to think to discern what my gut is telling me to do and thereby am following my instincts moreso than just what information my brain has and is processing.

I think it's due in part to being in Mysore and normally when I'm here I'm very much here for the yogic work that happens when I'm practicing at the shala with Sharath, and I'm having meals with my friends who are often here at the same time and we can discuss these things and work through them within ourselves and within the shorthand that exists in the Ashtanga community. I don't think I'm missing these things but I am definitely feeling this is what I'm used to happening here and it's just not happening this time here. And if I live here this is how it will be most of the time, so I should get used to it.

So I've been writing in my journal more, writing on this blog more, writing on Facebook more and doing more personal pooja, visiting more temples daily and really diving deeply into my physical practice, my chanting practice and meditating more. These things are helping, but the truth is still that I'm overthinking a lot this week, last week I was fine. But it's all good, it's where I am right now and being with that is the lesson.

I wrote stuck as the title and I would never usually use this word but maybe I am feeling stuck, and maybe I'm feeling it moreso than I've realised because it came out naturally to be the name of this blog entry. Hmmm... So, stuck... yes, it's probably the right word. I'm feeling stagnant, maybe that's the better word. But maybe not.

Anyhow, I'm feeling all this inspiration, to study, to teach, to be in temples, to contemplate the gods and what each of their symbolic meaning means to me in my life, in my practice, right now. These things are always best served when I'm teaching because then as I'm helping students through their postures I'm really working through my own shit as well. And you always think you've worked through all of your shit and then you find more. How can we humans have so much poop? Where does it come from?

I've never been one who thought too much about reincarnation because it always seemed logical to me that we as spirit would incarnate far more than just one time in one body. That to me is identifying with the body way too much and while the physical body is real, we feel them, we see them, the energy of them is there, there is so much more and that needs more than one outlet and more than one experience to obtain the fullness of what it means to be alive in a body. But I also never really thought that we carry stuff from one life to the next, because I don't believe they are linear. But maybe they are. Or maybe all the things are there from all the lifetimes all at once and as we remove layers we can see the shit more clearly and then are drawn to work on it. But maybe not, maybe we just make all the shit up each time to have something to do? Who knows! lol...

Last night I had a good conversation with an astrologer and will meet with him on Sunday, he has a lot of interesting things to say and I like hearing them. They make sense to me. Many in the past I've had didn't always resonate, but his delivery does, so I'll write about that more at another time. But this experience brought me to thinking a lot this morning about what some of the things mean in my daily life, and one thing is that I just need to enjoy the free fall that is happening in my chart right now. Free fall is the right phrase for how my life feels at this time, and letting go or rather surrendering to the flow is not coming as easily to me as it usually does. I think I came to Mysore with far too much expectation, and while expectation can be good because it can help keep you open to the flow as it comes up, it can also often create feelings like I'm having right now when those expectations aren't met. And this is what I feel has happened to me.

So this morning when I was visiting temples this morning I was very conscious of the need to surrender and said this to each energy as I encountered it, especially the first one we went to which was Ganesh. Ganesh was my first temple I've ever gone inside of some years back, now it has become quite a haven for me and for my prayers, of which I don't normally have a lot of , but when I enter there I feel the longing to talk to God and so I do. And in this form God represents the removing of obstacles, often times also being the one who put the obstacles there in the first place so that growth and change can happen, so I talk/pray to him when I'm in there. Then since it is Saturday, the day of the week ruled by Saturn and in the Vedic Cosmology Saturn is known as Shani and is the son of Surya, the sun, but is also dark and brooding. He's known as a task master than delivers your karma to you as it's due. So to visit his temple and say thanks and be grateful for the current karma you're receiving it can open up the possibility of that karme being buffered and lessened, or even actually removed. So I am very reverent in this temple, and the people who attend have taught me how to be even more reverent as I've gone over the past two years. It's a very quiet and specific place...

After that Saturday is also a good day to visit Hanuman, often also called Anjaneya here in the south. So very near the Shani temple is a small Anjaneya temple on KRS Road that has a lot of charm, a lot of power and a huge congregation of devotees that visit it on Saturdays. I love it here and the priests and pujaries are very good people who love what they do and really are nice to all equally, they embrace us Westerners when I bring a big group and make them feel welcome. They make me feel welcome each time I go on my own. It's a very lively place and can garner such large crowds that it even blocks the highway that is only a few feet from it!

Hanuman is who you pray to here when you need strength, maybe physical strength but mostly inner strength. The grit to get you through things, even if they are drop backs, but moreso if its a tough situation in your life. He also is who to pray to for the ability to surrender. Surrendering to things is something that takes a lot of strength, it takes a lot of hutzpah lol. Letting go of the end result, but even allowing the thing to happen, rather than fighting against it. He's a good one and is highly revered here.

Then as we're coming back we stopped by the Lakshmi Venkateshwara temple. You might say what the hell is that! But it's Vishnu and Lakshmi, here this version of Vishnu is also called Srinivasa, or Balaji. Most often this temple is known as the Balaji temple. I'm not a huge Vishnu worshipper, but as a Shiva and Shakti worshipper we see all of them as the same underneath, so when my friend took me here and taught me many things about going to temples, this one is one I've often come back to a few times a week. I also met a priest here last year who was stationed at a temple in Philadelphia so speaks great English and he in turn embraced me and taught me even more about how to conduct oneself inside temples and told me how I should lead my temple tours if I'm doing them, Satya Narayana Swami, a lovely guy whom I love seeing every time I go in. This morning he even stopped me and chatted, which he does most times (sometimes he just catches my eye and smiles) and gave me some prasad of kum kum, sugar crystals and tulsi. It felt like a very auspicious morning and one of clearing things out, opening up the channels so the energy would flow and as soon as I got home I sat down to write this blog entry.

So maybe now I'm feeling a little less stuck. I'm happy for that, when you feel stuck energetically it always manifests physically and that is no fun at all. But now it's feeling more clear, the flow is happening more and I'm happier.

Thank you...

Goddess Tuesday...

So, still here in Mysore. Still feeling very fulfilled and maybe a bit to comfortable (many will say can one BE a bit too comfortable?!? But I'm a big believer in the growth only happens on the edge of your comfort zone, so being too comfort can get boring as nothing happens then... but for now I'm enjoying this) but happy none the less.Woke up and practiced this morning, it was again a great practice. Then took my friend to secret breakfast, which is in a little side shop in Lakshmipuram, but of course it wasn't open. So we found a new place and ate there, then headed up Chamundi Hill for his first visit to the goddess in her primordial abode (if you've ever driven up there you'll know this is on a sign on the route up).First thing I notice is all the roads are closed or are being repaired with detours, the road in front of the Mall of Mysore is not exception, so we had to go around. Then on the top of the hill there are things being built all around, it's too crowded now and that takes away from the experience a bit, in my opinion.

I parked at Nandi and we walked up from there, probably a mistake as you realise one you're headed up after a strong morning practice but we made it none the less. Put our shoes in the chappal storage place and bought our tickets to go in the front door to avoid the long ass free line. But at the time they were taking the Devi out of the building to be paraded around the whole hilltop, which they do every Tuesday and Friday, and they replace her with another murthy of Chamunda that is usually in the back. So we had to wait a bit to get in.That didn't take away from the experience, the temple was still just as bustling and energetic as usual and we went through and around. Then as we came out they gave out prasad to those who'd purchased the tickets we had, so we ate some ladoos. Then headed out to the Mahabaleshwar temple behind it that venerates Shiva, typically my favourite temple up there, but the way was mostly blocked by many of these new constructions they have going on.

Then we noticed that the Devi they had brought out of the temple was right in front of us, so we walked around with them behind her and then went into the Shiva temple, which felt a bit lackluster to me today for some reason. My energy has been very strong and on point since arriving to Mysore and my practice is keeping it good, so maybe that's why, not sure.

Anyhow, we walked back down those 324 or so steps to the Nandi point of the hill and headed toward the Shiva Cave temple there, but it was closed still oddly enough. Lots of odd things like this have been here so far, but it was okay. We just headed back down and came home and had a nap, or I had a nap, not sure if he did or not lol...

Many notice I post a lot of Kali pics on Instagram and Facebook, well I became a Kali worshipper due to this book called Yogic Secrets of the Dark Goddess. I've written about it before so I'm not going into it again, but it was given to me by a fellow a few years back here in Mysore whom I had lost touch with. A local guy. Today while I was napping he got back in touch and is taking me to a Kali temple here in Mysore later today. I've been searching for one for a long time to no avail so I'm very excited to see it, although I need to temper that. In Dehradun we followed instructions to find a Kali temple and it ended up being a room on a corner with no energetic component to it at all!

But I feel this one will be good. So I'll report on it later. Nothing right now will compare to the Kali mandir inside the Anandamayi Ashram in Uttarkashi for me, but maybe this one will!

I'm not sure where all this goddess energy/worship/love stuff is going to lead me, but I feel it will play a big part in my life. It already does but somehow in a more public way, now its more in a personal way. Well, maybe its not just personal since I write all my shit out in this blog or on Facebook posts, oh god. To have been so shy I was a huge introvert and to combat my introversion daily with forced interactions with the world at large is such a weird thing!!! But alas, it is what it is.

My goal, and I'm not one for goals at all, is to work with the Jois family in some capacity. I feel that is going to happen, for Sharath in particular since he is my personal teacher. But also to have a place to teach a regular program, now whether that be here in India as I'd like it to be or not, I don't have a feeling on that one. But I also want to travel and teach Mysore programs periodically, this I do know will happen as many things are in negotiation. But again, we'll see how it all goes. I am surrendering to the Goddess and allowing her to formulate it all for me, she knows best and is in direct contact with my deepest inner being so I know that will all work out well and for the best!

Back home...

So, I'm back in Mysore. In my room in the Green House and feeling amazing. My practice this morning was even better than it was in Uttarkashi.

Oh, Uttarkashi, well I had no wifi there so was unable to write on my laptop and I'm not going to write a whole blog on my phone, that drives me nuts.

After having such an awful time in Varanasi, and no all of it wasn't awful, but the heat was overwhelming and hard to adjust to along with all the other stuff. Then Rishikesh was better and I was able to enjoy the Ganga and food, but it is such a commercial zone for "yoga" mostly having teacher trainings led by 22-24 year olds and, well, that's all I'm going to say about that. They could probably use a good traditional program there and show people what that even means.

But after that we had bought our tickets to fly to Bangalore then ride to Mysore and realised it was two weeks away and time there in those northern cities seemed to go so slow, so we got a Jeep, a very packed jeep by the way, to Uttarkashi and found a place to stay pretty easily.

The place wasn't wonderful, but the young guy who made the food for us sometimes and took care of things around there was pretty awesome and it was fairly cheap. Uttarkashi is mostly undeveloped so there is no wifi anywhere and the food leaves a lot to be desired, but boy the vibration there is super nice. So light and airy.

They also have a Kashi Vishwanath temple which is very nice, and has an amazing Shakti temple in front of it that has an iron and copper trishul that Durga threw at some demons she was battling, and there is stuck, so they built a temple around it and worship the Goddess there. But I was still looking for a Kali temple, especially after the experience I'd had with a Kali murthy in Varanasi on my last night there, I was ready for some more. We had googled and found which temples were there and found most of them but noticed the Kali temple listed was in the Anandamayi Ma ashram and it was only listed under a PO Box, and we could not find it anywhere. So I let go of the idea of being able to find it and just enjoyed going to the Kashi Vishwanath temple daily.

One day after leaving said temple we were talking and walking, slowly, just seeing where the roads led and all of sudden came upon a painted red building and walked along it rounded walls on the street, then saw some writing in the Devanagari script which I can read and found out that it was the Anandamayi Ma ashram, well, fate had led us there anyway. And as we approached the gate the Swami who lives there came to the gate and invited us in, more fate? Then he took us into the Kali temple and opened it for us, showed us the meditation room and around the ashram. The biggest thing was that when we went into the temple, it was like someone had bonked us on the heads and our minds went blank. It was amazing and awesome. The sort of experience you look for and hear about around India. And we just sat for a while. Then the next day returned and sat, then again in the evening and sat, and boom, it began to grow on me this empty feeling, but also because there was nothing there in the mind, but I felt so full. No writing will do this experience justice so I really won't go on and on about it, ask me in person sometime if you see me around Gokulam or somewhere.

Eventually the priest had us staying for lunch each day and we just, or should I say I just enjoyed being there. I would even contemplate being a monk in this order if it was possible.

Then we spent two days in Dehradun waiting to fly out to Bangalore and during those two days nothing happened except that I was finally able to see Wonder Woman! And the next day to see Spider Man as it opened, so my movie fix was had and I was ready to leave for Mysore.

I'm purposely not writing about the bus ride down the mountain roads from Uttarkashi to Dehradun because it was an awful experience and I was sick to my stomach for two days...

We arrived in Mysore late Friday night, Saturday I awoke early and was going to a great breakfast finally and so many temples and had lunches and meetings with folks all day long, then Sunday was the pooja for Guru Purnima. And the big question, would Sharath attend because of all the talk about the tension between he and his mother. Well, it was just fine.They were together and seemed fine. He talked for a while and really made the point about Guruji being the guru of this lineage, and then she talked and said pretty much the same thing, but talked more about her being his daughter, then his student, then as he was older his friend. It made me tear up and many around me, it was lovely. We lined up after the ceremony and entertainment to touch their feet and give our regards and Sharath was surprised to me here and find out I'd been to Uttarkashi as he told me to check it out and that I'd like to discuss it with him (that hasn't happened and as it's his time off work I assume it will happen when he's ready lol) and then she talked to me and asked about Varanasi and I'm not sure how she even knew I went there but she did and it was interesting, and again, lovely. That word is the only one that comes for this experience.

But it also made me so proud to be a part of this lineage and this family. Which then also made me miss teaching so much that I had an ache of emptiness inside after. I love teaching Mysore style and really want it in my life, after my practice in the morning its the next most important thing to me, so now I've got to figure that out...

But this morning woke up and had an amazing practice, as I said before, then went to the idly man and to the temples in the city that I love and we went on the scooter and I rode someone with me with no trouble at all. So apparently I've cleared some shit out hahaha...

Okay, off here for now, have a great day!