Stuck...

A little bit I'm feeling stuck in my head, or rather in my mind since our mind is not necessarily in our heads, but the expression sounds better the former way I guess. I'm thinking too much.

I'm not usually a big thinker, or rather I used to be and I've learned how to think to discern what my gut is telling me to do and thereby am following my instincts moreso than just what information my brain has and is processing.

I think it's due in part to being in Mysore and normally when I'm here I'm very much here for the yogic work that happens when I'm practicing at the shala with Sharath, and I'm having meals with my friends who are often here at the same time and we can discuss these things and work through them within ourselves and within the shorthand that exists in the Ashtanga community. I don't think I'm missing these things but I am definitely feeling this is what I'm used to happening here and it's just not happening this time here. And if I live here this is how it will be most of the time, so I should get used to it.

So I've been writing in my journal more, writing on this blog more, writing on Facebook more and doing more personal pooja, visiting more temples daily and really diving deeply into my physical practice, my chanting practice and meditating more. These things are helping, but the truth is still that I'm overthinking a lot this week, last week I was fine. But it's all good, it's where I am right now and being with that is the lesson.

I wrote stuck as the title and I would never usually use this word but maybe I am feeling stuck, and maybe I'm feeling it moreso than I've realised because it came out naturally to be the name of this blog entry. Hmmm... So, stuck... yes, it's probably the right word. I'm feeling stagnant, maybe that's the better word. But maybe not.

Anyhow, I'm feeling all this inspiration, to study, to teach, to be in temples, to contemplate the gods and what each of their symbolic meaning means to me in my life, in my practice, right now. These things are always best served when I'm teaching because then as I'm helping students through their postures I'm really working through my own shit as well. And you always think you've worked through all of your shit and then you find more. How can we humans have so much poop? Where does it come from?

I've never been one who thought too much about reincarnation because it always seemed logical to me that we as spirit would incarnate far more than just one time in one body. That to me is identifying with the body way too much and while the physical body is real, we feel them, we see them, the energy of them is there, there is so much more and that needs more than one outlet and more than one experience to obtain the fullness of what it means to be alive in a body. But I also never really thought that we carry stuff from one life to the next, because I don't believe they are linear. But maybe they are. Or maybe all the things are there from all the lifetimes all at once and as we remove layers we can see the shit more clearly and then are drawn to work on it. But maybe not, maybe we just make all the shit up each time to have something to do? Who knows! lol...

Last night I had a good conversation with an astrologer and will meet with him on Sunday, he has a lot of interesting things to say and I like hearing them. They make sense to me. Many in the past I've had didn't always resonate, but his delivery does, so I'll write about that more at another time. But this experience brought me to thinking a lot this morning about what some of the things mean in my daily life, and one thing is that I just need to enjoy the free fall that is happening in my chart right now. Free fall is the right phrase for how my life feels at this time, and letting go or rather surrendering to the flow is not coming as easily to me as it usually does. I think I came to Mysore with far too much expectation, and while expectation can be good because it can help keep you open to the flow as it comes up, it can also often create feelings like I'm having right now when those expectations aren't met. And this is what I feel has happened to me.

So this morning when I was visiting temples this morning I was very conscious of the need to surrender and said this to each energy as I encountered it, especially the first one we went to which was Ganesh. Ganesh was my first temple I've ever gone inside of some years back, now it has become quite a haven for me and for my prayers, of which I don't normally have a lot of , but when I enter there I feel the longing to talk to God and so I do. And in this form God represents the removing of obstacles, often times also being the one who put the obstacles there in the first place so that growth and change can happen, so I talk/pray to him when I'm in there. Then since it is Saturday, the day of the week ruled by Saturn and in the Vedic Cosmology Saturn is known as Shani and is the son of Surya, the sun, but is also dark and brooding. He's known as a task master than delivers your karma to you as it's due. So to visit his temple and say thanks and be grateful for the current karma you're receiving it can open up the possibility of that karme being buffered and lessened, or even actually removed. So I am very reverent in this temple, and the people who attend have taught me how to be even more reverent as I've gone over the past two years. It's a very quiet and specific place...

After that Saturday is also a good day to visit Hanuman, often also called Anjaneya here in the south. So very near the Shani temple is a small Anjaneya temple on KRS Road that has a lot of charm, a lot of power and a huge congregation of devotees that visit it on Saturdays. I love it here and the priests and pujaries are very good people who love what they do and really are nice to all equally, they embrace us Westerners when I bring a big group and make them feel welcome. They make me feel welcome each time I go on my own. It's a very lively place and can garner such large crowds that it even blocks the highway that is only a few feet from it!

Hanuman is who you pray to here when you need strength, maybe physical strength but mostly inner strength. The grit to get you through things, even if they are drop backs, but moreso if its a tough situation in your life. He also is who to pray to for the ability to surrender. Surrendering to things is something that takes a lot of strength, it takes a lot of hutzpah lol. Letting go of the end result, but even allowing the thing to happen, rather than fighting against it. He's a good one and is highly revered here.

Then as we're coming back we stopped by the Lakshmi Venkateshwara temple. You might say what the hell is that! But it's Vishnu and Lakshmi, here this version of Vishnu is also called Srinivasa, or Balaji. Most often this temple is known as the Balaji temple. I'm not a huge Vishnu worshipper, but as a Shiva and Shakti worshipper we see all of them as the same underneath, so when my friend took me here and taught me many things about going to temples, this one is one I've often come back to a few times a week. I also met a priest here last year who was stationed at a temple in Philadelphia so speaks great English and he in turn embraced me and taught me even more about how to conduct oneself inside temples and told me how I should lead my temple tours if I'm doing them, Satya Narayana Swami, a lovely guy whom I love seeing every time I go in. This morning he even stopped me and chatted, which he does most times (sometimes he just catches my eye and smiles) and gave me some prasad of kum kum, sugar crystals and tulsi. It felt like a very auspicious morning and one of clearing things out, opening up the channels so the energy would flow and as soon as I got home I sat down to write this blog entry.

So maybe now I'm feeling a little less stuck. I'm happy for that, when you feel stuck energetically it always manifests physically and that is no fun at all. But now it's feeling more clear, the flow is happening more and I'm happier.

Thank you...