Navarathri...

This word above means nine nights, now nine nights of what you might ask? That would be the 9 pervasive aspects of the Goddess Durga, Durga who embodies all the shakti of the universe but who also can separate herself into a different goddess embodying only one aspect. There is much more to her than just the nine qualities but it's enough, it's a big celebration, all the kids are even out of school and it's a very powerful time to be here.

I personally connect the most with Kali, which I've written about a thousand times, but this past week the connection has been very, very strong. In my meditations sometimes I'm even feeling her hand on my shoulder as I sit and chant her names and have visions of her being there in front of me. Now, some in the west, or most even, will think this makes me crazy and maybe I am. I'm reading the biography of Sri Ramakrishna who lived with the Kali murthy in Dakshineswar outside Kolkata for 30 years, having experiences of her and slowly becoming recognized as a god realised saint. I'm in no way implying I'm a saint, but what I am saying is that my love and worship of Kali is finally coming into form and I'm feeling the influence throughout my whole day, where before I had trouble in those few minutes I'd be chanting her names to even feel her, now fruition is coming. Hopefully not the end, but the beginning of a life long relationship.

This morning being the last day of the nine day festival they acknowledge Kamala, which the name itself means lotus flower, but she is more widely known as the tantric version of Lakshmi. She embodies abundance. The goddess's son Ganesha is therefore very revered on this day as well, and as I walked into the Ganesh temple here in Gokulam I wished immediately I could take a photo of him. He was decked out in silver, usually being black basalt, sometimes covered in turmeric, leaves, vibhuti, bananas, but most often the black stone that's so abundant in the south. But to see him with only yellow and white flowers covering him in his silver form was radiant and magnificent. I can't even tell you how it made me feel.

Then after I went to the little Kali temple I've been raving about, and she too was in her silver form. Radiant, even her tongue hanging out was silver. I feel the power in this little room, it makes me feel things I forget after I leave, but the memory of connection stays with me. I also went by a tiny little Chamundi temple in the area, she was in brightest red this morning, all of them were just amazing this morning. I'm having one of those god days where I'm feeling the energy a lot.

I just read in the biography of Ramakrishna about him telling one of the men who was in charge at the temple how if the body is not ready when the energy becomes realised that it has troubles, like he would go out into space and seem to not be there, his body vacant and still. And it happened often with him. I know this because of the asana practice. I've had a hard time practicing this week, and I believe its because of the energy coursing through the air, through me. Today being no exception I overslept and woke up very hungry so proceeded to shower, do my chanting and leave for breakfast and morning temple visits. I'll get back in touch with the asanas tomorrow, they are a tool, and are cumulative, so I'm feeling okay mostly in my body. But I'd still feel much better today if I'd prepared the vessel for the energy it would be channeling this day, I'm a bit overwhelmed and spent already, but still ready to go.

This week I've visited temples at night also since that is when they celebrate even more, last night having a great experience from the little Chamundi temple in Vijayanagar. Tonight I'll go to the Adi Shakti temple near it. And maybe go back to Kali again just for the ending of these nine days celebration.

Also today they celebrate the weapons that Durga used to destroy the demons. There were many and were all given by the gods when they summoned her, so you can google them if you're interested, but it's symbolic anyway. The demons being our inner issues that need dealing with and the tools being the yogic tools we're given, sometimes other things. In "real" life it translates to people decorating their cars with flowers and marks of Shiva and much more. The Ganesh temple had so many vehicles in front of it to be blessed that the road was blocked on that side, which of course was causing a traffic jam on the other side! This is a unique thing that I've not seen in any other cultures mythology that I've studied, the gods themselves want to be worshipped, not their implements they provide you with, and often Zeus provided folks with shields, or swords or things of that nature. So it's very interesting to observe and to take part in. If you do end up googling her weapons read about what each one represents and how it affects the death of the demons, it's very specific and can be powerful if you're open to it.

So today notice the energies within you, all around you, feel the strength in the femininity of these energies and how powerful the divine feminine is. Also take the time to appreciate all the implements in your life that you use to maintain well being for yourself, for your family. That could be oils you burn to heighten your mood, the knives and forks you use to prepare and eat dinner, the washrag you use to wash the unclean from your body. Your car and how well it works as it takes you where you need to go. Your church as a place of worship which can help keep your mind and sensibilities in a good place. Etc... You decide, worship to me means to be appreciative, feel the energy of the things and how they flow in your life and be grateful for them, even be grateful for how they manifested into your life. Feel love and peace and enjoy them when they manifest, Be happy and when you're not happy be okay with it, knowing that it's leading you back to happiness again. Treat others with love and kindness because you don't know what they're going through internally. Help when they ask if it's in your ability to do so, but also ask for help when you need it and don't be ashamed to admit you just can't do it on your own at this time.

Be okay with things, knowing that whether or not they are the way you want them they are showing you the contrast which can help lead you back to the life you have envisioned. But mostly because being okay with them keeps your internal being in a much more pleasant place. Fighting within you just keeps you in turmoil and that manifests more turmoil.

Enjoy this life we're given. Feel the reflection of those around you and notice what about it you like and what you don't like and move in the direction that feels better. Don't worry about it if others judge you, what they like shouldn't matter to you and your likes have nothing to do with them. I've been nervous to discuss this Kali thing to the depths its really been happening inside, but here it is and there's more, but it's not the point of this entry so no need to go further.

As the quote I just put on Facebook from Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, the founder of the Ashtanga Yoga system, says: "One month, two months, two years, ten years. No use. Whole life. Whole life is practice. That is the method."

We never get it done, we are here for a long time and the whole time we are meant to be conscious or working towards a deeper level of awareness, of that around us but only in context of how it reflects what we're putting out there, but mostly of that within us. Let's do this and call upon that inner shakti to help up fight those demons, not fight them into submission, but move them into integration and becoming more whole, more complete human beings...

I'm just me...

I'm feeling, well, a lot of things lately. Feeling being the operative word. I am not quite so moved by my emotions very often, but lately I have been feeling everything at a different level. Not sure if I like it or not either, but I'm just feeling them anyway so it doesn't really matter what I like I guess.

Last week my practice was great, my body was open, my mind was calm, my feelings were there but I was able to just observe them. This week, well, not even the whole week, mostly just the last two days, I'm overwhelmed with the emotions, having a rough time with my body, with being around people. All sorts of things.

When you think of yoga and that it is really cessation of the fluctuations of the mind, or rather its the fluctuations being there but just observing them and not allowing them to get control over you, then you think, or should I say I think, that it should be less like a roller coaster ride than it is. But maybe the point is we're always just human and once we gain a certain level of consciousness we might imagine that things are easier, but maybe they are more intense because as awareness deepens, sensation deepens. The more sensitive you are to how you're feeling, the lesser amount of feeling it takes to draw your attention so that would mean the lesser amount of feeling it takes to overwhelm you, maybe? Does it make sense.

I think many of us tend to think that once we become big "yogis" that all of life will be easier, but maybe as we refine our senses it just gets harder and more intense and so our level has to constantly keep adapting and maybe during this process things can seem overwhelming at times, or maybe I'm just justifying, or trying to justify, why I'm feeling overwhelmed this week with emotion and sensitive to every little interaction? God, who knows.

No matter what I think being a yogi is I am only just me. I'm a moody guy, which seems to have lessened a lot as my yoga practices have grown over the years. I'm just whatever I am at that time. Sometimes I'm sensitive, sometimes I'm not, sometimes I'm nice, sometimes I'm not. Well, I'm usually nice in my own idea of the word but I'm often too honest and people think I'm not so nice, but I'd rather tell you the truth than lie, which I think of as hurtful and damaging. I am many things, including today when I'm feeling as I already described to you above.

So I'm doing my best to make peace with who I am right now, and hopefully you won't get caught up in the crossfire of that!

Lessons...

Usually on even numbered years I have a hard, hard time. Lots of struggle, stress and lessons being thrown at me right and left. 2016 was exactly such a year. So this year started off great and I was led to believe it would be that way.

Now technically it has been pretty good, my grasp of many things has improved including my daily practice, which has grown and shifted in a deeper way and has become easier actually for my mind to grasp. I used to have tons of trouble talking to myself during practice, now not so much.

But ever since my last month in Germany many new things have come up that have caused me to have to go deeper than I ever though I would have to, even though I knew there were more and more depths to dive into. I just though in some of those areas I was safe. Never think you're safe!

I've grown in certain ways that I never thought I would, I've also dived into those depths that I never thought I would. And I'm sure there's more to come in the future, maybe even the near future. But sometimes don't we just get tired of life lessons?!? I do, don't you?

Sometimes don't you just wish you could coast along a bit, not even for a long time, just for a couple days! But life throws you another curve ball.

I've dealt with dengue, with a parasite in Varanasi, with getting in trouble for teaching a couple local students in Mysore, with emotional upset with friends and other teachers in my past life, with upset over many other things while I've been back in Mysore, most of which I've written other blog entries about so if you want to know go check them out! lol

But now Sharath has rejected my for the two months he decided at the last minute to open, which surprises me. For the last four winters I've been here and have never not gotten in. Now, I had already decided that I couldn't afford it, and that I could do other things like cover someone's Mysore program that did get in which would be good because I'd like to make the money and then afford his teachers course next time he has one. But surprisingly I was made very sad by getting the email, and not just one, but seven of them!

In the grand scheme of things this is a very first world problem to have, being upset that I'm not allowed to go and spend way too much money for two months with my teacher. So perspective has been helping me, and I do still have the option to cover a couple different programs, well one of them depending on how it goes and teaching will make me very happy, it is a big part of my life and helps me in my own processing. So I'm really just whining and feeling sorry for myself just a bit, but I know I'll be fine and that in the long run everything happens the way it's supposed to.

I also know that every bit of contrast that the universe throws at me comes from my own self doubt that lies within and is manifesting and it's showing me where the good stuff lies and what direction I need to go in to allow that stuff in. So it's all good, but sometimes whining publicly on your blog can be very cathartic, ahahaha, omg, I'm a mess..

I'm getting my yogic skills honed more and more and am finding out that I don't sink into such despair as I once did, I'm able to notice when I'm going that way and catch myself. But I'm also human, as much of a "yogi" as I think I am I'm not totally steeped in equanimity yet so I'm not able to always do things on the high road like I wish I could, but I don't think I stay on the low road very long if at all these days, so I'm doing better. I'm doing good for me. I'm doing as good as I am able at this point in time!

Okay, enough of that shit. Good night!

Letting go...

Surrender, letting go, allowing, releasing, all similar ideas but what do they mean in the "spiritual" path?

To me who at one time was a very big control freak, still trace amounts of this remain (lol), it means allowing things to be as they are without trying to force them into happening in a certain way. Or the system works a certain way, just let it work that way and deal with what comes up as it comes up. Or, well, it could be any number of things depending on the day and the circumstances that are showing up in my life, so I really can't give you one overall idea of them.

Right now I'm having a couple adverse things coming up, in my consciousness of course, but also in my physical life in ways unexpected. Not going into that here and now, but maybe some day I will. Interesting things that are even new, and you think you've seen or felt it all and nothing could be new, but this is a new way for things to manifest as obstacles.

Because of this I went to this little Kali temple here in Gokulam that I found recently, that I'm also falling in love with. The energy there is so good and the pujari inside is the nicest guy and very welcoming, I'm the first Westerner who's ever come in there. In fact even if there are a ton of people waiting in line to go in, it's very small, they'll often allow me to go first, so they are all welcoming and warm which I'm appreciating more and more these days.

Anyhow, I want there this morning after the Ganesh temple (which I went to see and acknowledge my obstacles, not ask for their removal) and didn't know what to expect, but I also think of the Shiva family as the destroyers, Ganesh removes the obstacles, sometimes puts them there in the first place so you'll recognise the things that need to be worked on, Shiva will destroy them but sometimes can destroy too much, lol, and Kali just comes in there and kills you so you can start over again if its that bad. Actually symbolically cutting the head off of ones ego really, so not a physical death, but as I wrote in a recent blog, death of little parts of yourself that are no longer serving you.

Without expectations I went in, which is really one form of surrender. Allowing whatever sensation to be there that was going to be there. And felt immediately devotional, as if I wanted to just drop to my knees and touch her feet, crying and she being my mother, scoops me up in her arms and cradles me. That was an interesting thing first walking in, that never happens, but there was someone in the little room interacting with the pujari so I did my three spins and did get down on my knees and touch my forehead to the floor while praying. Then standing up, and the other man leaving, the pujari took the flame and did an aarti for me, then gave me teertha and flowers and I applied kum kum to my forehead, then asked for the talisman tied with black string.

The talisman has a specific Sanskrit name that I'm forgetting right now, but inside is a usually a yantra for whatever deity the temple houses, sometimes a mantra, or a prayer, but usually on copper foil. Not to be opened though, it's there until the string breaks or wears off, then you can open it. Often people who are troubled or having issues in life will donate a small amount and have the priest or pujari tie them around your neck or sometimes in Hanuman temples around your forearm, and my friend had asked me to get him one next time I went, so I also got myself one. The pujari also took two handfuls of water and saying a mantra over it in front of Kali Ma's eyes blessing it threw it on me in a baptismal moment where I felt reawakened to my purpose in life.

I had such a dedication I did in Uttarkashi within myself where I took a commitment to this same purpose, no I've not mentioned that yet, but it involved dedicating myself to the service of Kali and her affect on my path, where I also shaved my head and beard. This sensation came back over me and I realised that my anger was okay to feel, as I was feeling anger at a situation that happened this morning, and that it was part of what was chiseling me into a more and more perfected tool to bring awareness to others through the path of yoga and deity worship, amongst other things. And I felt better.

So I again surrendered to the path. The path is one of consciousness, awareness, whatever it takes to wake myself up, and in turn wake other up. I believe people nowadays are calling it woke, but I am a snob and saying it is a bit odd to me because it's not good English, as if that really matters anymore anyway...lol.

Before this ceremony I felt unsure of the yoga I practice, unsure of the form I'm receiving the teachings in, unsure of this love of India I have, unsure of many, many things that I've been dedicated to for a long time. After this ceremony I felt dedicated to exactly what I just wrote, consciousness, awareness, and moving with the flow in whatever direction it takes me to wake these things up within myself and within others. Ashtanga Yoga being the model I'm using to begin the introduction of awareness to others. Does this mean it always will be, no. I will likely always practice it myself because of the amazing things it does for me, but there are other ways I can deliver these things to others, and adapt them for each person depending on who they are, how they learn and what sort of awakening they are looking for. Often times they don't even know that's what they're looking for until after the yoga starts its work on them physically, then mentally, then emotionally, and so on.

I'm not happy just yet, but I feel better and will be happy again soon. I'm also not unhappy, I'm just in a state of extreme awareness of where I am in life, but I'm also because of this in extreme awareness of the direction I'm ready to go in next and will start to take steps that lead me in that direction, being ever aware if I need to change and adapt to a new situation and be fluid so that the best me, the best flow of energy through me, can come to the fore.

Om Klim Kalikayei Namaha, Jai Kali Ma!

Namaste...

Adaptability...

Do you feel you're adaptable? When things change suddenly can you go with the flow of that, or do you immediately judge the situation and think rotten thoughts before giving in and admitting nothing can be done so I just need to go with it? Or there are any number of scenarios I could come up with but I'm not here to list all the possibilities that can and do throw us off.

I do a combination, but I remember when I never adapted and was always angry when things changed all of a sudden. Now after a lot of yoga, a lot of contemplation and work to get my mind in a more positive space (which is still work most of the time) I'm finally in a place where I do the second one above most of the time, and every so often the first one. But that's better than what it used to be.

India taught me these things. I was trained to be very specific in how things should be done and only and ever do them in that way, never deviating. Then would have a secondary attack plan if plan A didn't work. I remember those feelings when they would be big and hard and making me feel so icky inside, but I was much more used to feeling icky then so it had less of an effect on me.

Now when I feel even the tiniest bit icky I am aware of it and trying to bring it around to something else, often by embracing how I am feeling and then allowing it to go away on its own. I used to try to make it change forcefully but when I do that it fights back and makes the emotions feel stronger, right?India though has its own plan for us. We can do the things we want to do, or need to do, but never in the order or the way we think they should happen, so going with the flow is needed. I remember my first trip here having feelings of irritation when something I wanted done didn't happen as soon as I thought it should or at the exact time I had designated for it to happen and someone said to me, oh, that's India for you. And it eventually clicked that I was not in control in the same way as I would be in the west, things there are very organised and controlled but I was definitely not in Oz anymore Dorothy!

Nothing is wrong with feeling what we feel, only when we can't let go of it and judge the situation harshly, or even worse judge ourselves or others harshly.

We are independent creatures, even though we may work well with each other and feel stronger in numbers no one can make us feel better for real except ourselves. I am the only one who has control over my mind, or not, so I cannot blame another for making me feel bad because it was me who allowed their words or actions to make me feel bad. Same goes in reverse, even though most don't like to hear or think that ha ha!If we stay in a space of equanimity we are ideally okay no matter what is going on around us, or not okay depending on what the situation is and have to deal with it internally. Others may seem to make you feel better, but what they've really done is distracted you from the feelings you were having long enough that their hold on you relaxed enough to allow in good feelings and then you forgot the old ones a bit, if not altogether.

This I think is why Santosha, contentment, was included in the Ashtanga philosophy, because without cultivating this nothing else can emerge I believe. Maybe not. This is just what's on my mind right now, tomorrow I could say fuck Santosha nothing is more powerful than Tapas! But who knows. Have a great day!

Day off...

After a nice evening, and yes I was out after dark, with some kirtan, some great discussions, a Kali visit and some great food with friends having a day off is like a godsend. Of course most things are, aren't they? Maybe not to you but I'm seeing more and more that god is part of everything and when you're in that state of mind how different the day can look and feel.

Today I feel calm, cool, at ease and in love with everything. It's not like this every day so I'm going to relish in it for a while.

I'm at home reading after a morning of sleeping in, much later than usual, some great chanting that left me feeling connected and then temple visits. All before breakfast, usually I do the temples after breakfast but I ate so much last night that this morning I still felt fulfilled and my bowels were in a bit of an uproar since I'm not used to eating so much so late, but that is probably TMI and now its all okay anyway.

I love time to myself and have had it today, don't get me wrong I love being with people too but typically in my life the mornings are mine and today was a feeling of the way it used to be in the US when I was home teaching for the summer between trips to India. Oddly enough since coming to India I've felt it was my home and so the trips to the US felt like I was there on work detail and here was home and where I belonged. Work detail is too strong a phrase too, I loved teaching there and loved certain other aspects of my life, especially my mornings.

I would wake up at a very early hour and do my own asana practice, chanting mantra practice and sometimes pranayama, shower, eat something then go teach. Teaching for a couple or three hours then to a coffee house for a chai and a snack during which time I'd read from a book or two (yes, I used to read a fiction and a non-fiction book at the same time) and then write in my journal. Then I would go to the park for a walk, or to sit in the sun and meditate or sit in my car with the windows down and read some more, or to visit with friends. This way I was getting my fulfilment in many different ways and then would have the rest of the day to process the things that came up from my practices or from the reading. Time to process is integral to me for a feeling of a more yogic lifestyle.

And this morning, none of these exact things happened, but the feeling of the energy of the morning was the same or similar to those mornings back then. Not sure why but I'm not questioning it too much, just allowing that old feeling to be there.

This morning since I've come back home I am reading and now writing this, so some of those types of things happened. The book is about the life of Ramakrishna. I've not become obsessed with him lately, but there is an ashram here in Mysore dedicated to his teachings where a good many monks live the life he prescribed for them. They have a large meditation hall where I go many mornings and sit and just be, and absorb in the vibration of the place. I small Kali temple is there and a large photo of Ramakrishna himself, his wife and Swami Vivekananda. The energy in this space is very calm and conducive to just sitting and going into an absorbed state of mind. Within this state often I come feeling so amazing I can't explain it well here, but those who go there know what I'm writing of. It's quite special. My friend that I was traveling with even liked it so much that he's now going to join their order at the Kolkata branch, which is near the famous Dakshineswar Kali temple that Ramakrishna lived at for many years. I will have to visit him there for sure!

So reading about his life has been interesting. And even more interesting is the fact that the book was translated to English by a Swamy in his order that lives in St. Louis, Missouri, where I used to live and often would attend his Sunday morning discussions at the Vedanta Society, so another tie to my old life. But not a tie that makes me miss or feel bound to that old life, just one that's making me feel grateful for it and that it's led me here to this time I'm living in.

I have thought about St. Louis a lot lately, not this week or last but before that. I could return there and teach, there are so many great students there wanting to learn more and more. And the area is so troubled right now with a lot of things, I'll not write about that but if you're interested you can google it and see. My friend there who owns my favourite restaurant in the area and the studio I used to teach in says if I came back it would be helping to raise the vibration of the place, and maybe it would, but I'm feeling still unstable in my ability to maintain my own vibration yet. I am much better at it than ever before, but still need a bit more time. So returning really isn't an option just yet.

Anyhow, the beginning of a nice day, and many more to follow. I'm choosing my mood more and more these days and things have come up that would have thrown me off track before, but now they are not and are even helping me to refine and direct my focus including them, rather than pushing them off which is a new place to be.

We are ever changing and experiencing opposites in this life, so it's good to be able to maintain equanimity within the flux between states. That is the yogic path to me, not to be heartless and cold, as it would seem to some, but to be fully in the awareness of ones emotions and allowing the heart and head to work together to decided which would be the best direction to move in, rather than just the emotions which can be too much, or the head which is too much usually in the other direction.

All is good, and each of us are doing our best with the tools we have, whether or not it may seem so at the time, so let's all be okay with another's decisions, they are coming from a different place that we are and are not obligated to feel the same way as we do. Unconditional love is my goal, I'm not there yet but I see myself working in that direction, and unconditional means just that, no conditions put on the love that we are emitting. Once a condition has been put on it, such as expecting a certain behavior pattern from another, then it's not what I'm looking for anymore. I often do this, but I'm working towards not...

Little deaths...

What does little deaths mean? To me, right now, it means little parts of you that are no longer serving you have died symbolically. So it's really an internal, mental and emotional thing. Not a "real" death but they say in the world of consciousness your body cannot determine if it really happened or not, it just feels the way it feels.

So in my morning practice for some years I've been struggling to again achieve this posture named Pashasana, to spell it phonetically. The biggest part of the problem was that I used to be able to do it easily many years back and after a gap in my Ashtanga practice have now come back to a different body trying to do this posture. Now though I've finally figured it out and am doing it again.

This morning though I felt like it might kill me, I was still able to do it and breath was good and all but afterwards I got the feeling I'd just let go of something. Symbolically allowing one of these "little deaths." Well, maybe I didn't allow it so easily and thats why it felt so intense lol, and it was intense.

I also think of Shiva, or Kali, who are destroying things, often only in one's consciousness, but it always has a physical or mento-emotional effect and dealing with it can be like dealing with a real death, and your body and mind often don't realise the difference, so flip out just a little bit. I'm not flipping out today, just noticing things. I'm in a really good place right now, so another time I might flip out, but so far today I'm not.

This isn't a bad thing, many will automatically think that it is. If something, some pattern, some emotional disturbance or mental impression, is no longer serving you why on earth would you want to hold on to it anyway? Let that shit go, and do it fully and this can change your life.

Often times in the life of an Ashtangi we can have the posture doing that work for us, so rather than the mind affecting the body, the body stirs up and awakens a samskara that we didn't necessarily know we'd held on to and then that affects you mentally or emotionally, or both, then you can just let it go, or deal with the problem Or just take a break and do whatever is needed to feel this thing move out of your body and mind and off into the wilderness.... So far today I'm not feeling anything needs worked through, just that a little part of me is gone. In a good way...

Part of my habit of going to temples each morning after my practice is to feel the energy there and allow that to sweep over and through me which can help in this process, today I went to a couple usual ones and then two Narasimhan temples, one Lakshminarasimhan and the other Yoganarasimhan, one in which he still is identifying with the world and the other where he is meditating and mostly dealing with the real of spirit, so it was symbolic in itself this journey this morning and I feel better for it. Ahhhh...

Do you notice this, or have anything similar?

Pilgrimage...

I had many ideas about what would happen as I left the north of India and headed to Mysore, the second home I'd established and now possibly the first home, or just home. But none of it came about. I didn't really have definitive things laid out that I actually expected, more like general ideas of some simple things.

Coming to Mysore is very normally a pilgrimage to practice with my teacher from the U.S. But this time I wasn't thinking of it this way since I knew I wouldn't be practicing with him, and really when I look back on it I shouldn't have had any idea of what to expect.

This trip has been anything but whatever it was that I thought was going to happen. It's been much more and in very different ways than I thought it would be.

In the regular seasons that I come I'm expecting much inner work to be done alone with the asana practice, always. It is sometimes very disarming and I expect it to be. In our idea of a pilgrimage, especially when we come from the West and there really is no pilgrimage that is thought of as a normal thing within the community there, you hear about them... people who go up into the Himalayas and have all these insights happen and shifts and changes go on in their body, their mind, their life and often they don't return or when they do they are a very different person than when they left.

That is what I often expect when I'm coming here to practice, and many changes and shifts do happen, but they never seem to stick. This time I came here expecting nothing except getting some insight from my teacher possibly, and practicing at home. But when I come here in the regular season I have many, many friends also here, so I'm occupied with social engagements and the like, have great discussions, learn a lot about a lot of people, and only think I learn a lot about myself.

But being here no, with almost no one I know here other than those I've met since I've been here, and with almost no social engagements leaves a lot of time alone, and a lot of quiet time to sit with oneself and listen to those voices that are so often silenced by the conversation over a meal, or on temple visits. This I have discovered is when the real work happens. When you sit with yourself. Now in theory I've always known this, always respected the idea of those yogis who went into the mountains to meditate and gain insight into the world, or themselves, or for whatever reason they decided they were going away for. And so now I realise when you're going to a place to be alone, to be alone with your practice, to be alone with your chanting, to be alone with your pooja, to be alone with your own mental fluctuations and almost nothing else, then that is the real pilgrimage. So I believe now, for the first time, not the fifth, I'm actually experiencing this. This long elusive thing that I thought I'd encountered before.

Maybe even writing about it in this way diminishes it in some capacity. But when I think about it I've gone long weeks, or days, here without writing at all and just sitting with the things that come up. And I have been sitting also after my evening pooja I feel led to just be in the energy of it for a while, sometimes short, sometimes long, and it's wonderful, disturbing, annoying, amazing, and crazy what is there to be observed. Now for the first time in my life I find myself curios and wanting to embark in a sitting practice. I don't think twice a day as prescribed by vipassana is for me, but possibly at least once a day.

To be with the things that come up and notice them, see how they affect the body and mind physically, emotionally, and still yet just be in observer mode. I'm approaching my asana practice in the mornings in this way already since I've come back to India and it has changed that practice fundamentally, so now its time to expand on it in other ways. Odd to be saying this, and maybe it won't last, and maybe I'll find that this state of being is where I can reside even when I'm walking around town, having a conversation, riding my scooter, etc. Maybe I'll find it's just the way to be in life, in the things but not of them.

Hmmm...