Lessons...

Usually on even numbered years I have a hard, hard time. Lots of struggle, stress and lessons being thrown at me right and left. 2016 was exactly such a year. So this year started off great and I was led to believe it would be that way.

Now technically it has been pretty good, my grasp of many things has improved including my daily practice, which has grown and shifted in a deeper way and has become easier actually for my mind to grasp. I used to have tons of trouble talking to myself during practice, now not so much.

But ever since my last month in Germany many new things have come up that have caused me to have to go deeper than I ever though I would have to, even though I knew there were more and more depths to dive into. I just though in some of those areas I was safe. Never think you're safe!

I've grown in certain ways that I never thought I would, I've also dived into those depths that I never thought I would. And I'm sure there's more to come in the future, maybe even the near future. But sometimes don't we just get tired of life lessons?!? I do, don't you?

Sometimes don't you just wish you could coast along a bit, not even for a long time, just for a couple days! But life throws you another curve ball.

I've dealt with dengue, with a parasite in Varanasi, with getting in trouble for teaching a couple local students in Mysore, with emotional upset with friends and other teachers in my past life, with upset over many other things while I've been back in Mysore, most of which I've written other blog entries about so if you want to know go check them out! lol

But now Sharath has rejected my for the two months he decided at the last minute to open, which surprises me. For the last four winters I've been here and have never not gotten in. Now, I had already decided that I couldn't afford it, and that I could do other things like cover someone's Mysore program that did get in which would be good because I'd like to make the money and then afford his teachers course next time he has one. But surprisingly I was made very sad by getting the email, and not just one, but seven of them!

In the grand scheme of things this is a very first world problem to have, being upset that I'm not allowed to go and spend way too much money for two months with my teacher. So perspective has been helping me, and I do still have the option to cover a couple different programs, well one of them depending on how it goes and teaching will make me very happy, it is a big part of my life and helps me in my own processing. So I'm really just whining and feeling sorry for myself just a bit, but I know I'll be fine and that in the long run everything happens the way it's supposed to.

I also know that every bit of contrast that the universe throws at me comes from my own self doubt that lies within and is manifesting and it's showing me where the good stuff lies and what direction I need to go in to allow that stuff in. So it's all good, but sometimes whining publicly on your blog can be very cathartic, ahahaha, omg, I'm a mess..

I'm getting my yogic skills honed more and more and am finding out that I don't sink into such despair as I once did, I'm able to notice when I'm going that way and catch myself. But I'm also human, as much of a "yogi" as I think I am I'm not totally steeped in equanimity yet so I'm not able to always do things on the high road like I wish I could, but I don't think I stay on the low road very long if at all these days, so I'm doing better. I'm doing good for me. I'm doing as good as I am able at this point in time!

Okay, enough of that shit. Good night!