Letting go...

Surrender, letting go, allowing, releasing, all similar ideas but what do they mean in the "spiritual" path?

To me who at one time was a very big control freak, still trace amounts of this remain (lol), it means allowing things to be as they are without trying to force them into happening in a certain way. Or the system works a certain way, just let it work that way and deal with what comes up as it comes up. Or, well, it could be any number of things depending on the day and the circumstances that are showing up in my life, so I really can't give you one overall idea of them.

Right now I'm having a couple adverse things coming up, in my consciousness of course, but also in my physical life in ways unexpected. Not going into that here and now, but maybe some day I will. Interesting things that are even new, and you think you've seen or felt it all and nothing could be new, but this is a new way for things to manifest as obstacles.

Because of this I went to this little Kali temple here in Gokulam that I found recently, that I'm also falling in love with. The energy there is so good and the pujari inside is the nicest guy and very welcoming, I'm the first Westerner who's ever come in there. In fact even if there are a ton of people waiting in line to go in, it's very small, they'll often allow me to go first, so they are all welcoming and warm which I'm appreciating more and more these days.

Anyhow, I want there this morning after the Ganesh temple (which I went to see and acknowledge my obstacles, not ask for their removal) and didn't know what to expect, but I also think of the Shiva family as the destroyers, Ganesh removes the obstacles, sometimes puts them there in the first place so you'll recognise the things that need to be worked on, Shiva will destroy them but sometimes can destroy too much, lol, and Kali just comes in there and kills you so you can start over again if its that bad. Actually symbolically cutting the head off of ones ego really, so not a physical death, but as I wrote in a recent blog, death of little parts of yourself that are no longer serving you.

Without expectations I went in, which is really one form of surrender. Allowing whatever sensation to be there that was going to be there. And felt immediately devotional, as if I wanted to just drop to my knees and touch her feet, crying and she being my mother, scoops me up in her arms and cradles me. That was an interesting thing first walking in, that never happens, but there was someone in the little room interacting with the pujari so I did my three spins and did get down on my knees and touch my forehead to the floor while praying. Then standing up, and the other man leaving, the pujari took the flame and did an aarti for me, then gave me teertha and flowers and I applied kum kum to my forehead, then asked for the talisman tied with black string.

The talisman has a specific Sanskrit name that I'm forgetting right now, but inside is a usually a yantra for whatever deity the temple houses, sometimes a mantra, or a prayer, but usually on copper foil. Not to be opened though, it's there until the string breaks or wears off, then you can open it. Often people who are troubled or having issues in life will donate a small amount and have the priest or pujari tie them around your neck or sometimes in Hanuman temples around your forearm, and my friend had asked me to get him one next time I went, so I also got myself one. The pujari also took two handfuls of water and saying a mantra over it in front of Kali Ma's eyes blessing it threw it on me in a baptismal moment where I felt reawakened to my purpose in life.

I had such a dedication I did in Uttarkashi within myself where I took a commitment to this same purpose, no I've not mentioned that yet, but it involved dedicating myself to the service of Kali and her affect on my path, where I also shaved my head and beard. This sensation came back over me and I realised that my anger was okay to feel, as I was feeling anger at a situation that happened this morning, and that it was part of what was chiseling me into a more and more perfected tool to bring awareness to others through the path of yoga and deity worship, amongst other things. And I felt better.

So I again surrendered to the path. The path is one of consciousness, awareness, whatever it takes to wake myself up, and in turn wake other up. I believe people nowadays are calling it woke, but I am a snob and saying it is a bit odd to me because it's not good English, as if that really matters anymore anyway...lol.

Before this ceremony I felt unsure of the yoga I practice, unsure of the form I'm receiving the teachings in, unsure of this love of India I have, unsure of many, many things that I've been dedicated to for a long time. After this ceremony I felt dedicated to exactly what I just wrote, consciousness, awareness, and moving with the flow in whatever direction it takes me to wake these things up within myself and within others. Ashtanga Yoga being the model I'm using to begin the introduction of awareness to others. Does this mean it always will be, no. I will likely always practice it myself because of the amazing things it does for me, but there are other ways I can deliver these things to others, and adapt them for each person depending on who they are, how they learn and what sort of awakening they are looking for. Often times they don't even know that's what they're looking for until after the yoga starts its work on them physically, then mentally, then emotionally, and so on.

I'm not happy just yet, but I feel better and will be happy again soon. I'm also not unhappy, I'm just in a state of extreme awareness of where I am in life, but I'm also because of this in extreme awareness of the direction I'm ready to go in next and will start to take steps that lead me in that direction, being ever aware if I need to change and adapt to a new situation and be fluid so that the best me, the best flow of energy through me, can come to the fore.

Om Klim Kalikayei Namaha, Jai Kali Ma!

Namaste...