I'm just me...

I'm feeling, well, a lot of things lately. Feeling being the operative word. I am not quite so moved by my emotions very often, but lately I have been feeling everything at a different level. Not sure if I like it or not either, but I'm just feeling them anyway so it doesn't really matter what I like I guess.

Last week my practice was great, my body was open, my mind was calm, my feelings were there but I was able to just observe them. This week, well, not even the whole week, mostly just the last two days, I'm overwhelmed with the emotions, having a rough time with my body, with being around people. All sorts of things.

When you think of yoga and that it is really cessation of the fluctuations of the mind, or rather its the fluctuations being there but just observing them and not allowing them to get control over you, then you think, or should I say I think, that it should be less like a roller coaster ride than it is. But maybe the point is we're always just human and once we gain a certain level of consciousness we might imagine that things are easier, but maybe they are more intense because as awareness deepens, sensation deepens. The more sensitive you are to how you're feeling, the lesser amount of feeling it takes to draw your attention so that would mean the lesser amount of feeling it takes to overwhelm you, maybe? Does it make sense.

I think many of us tend to think that once we become big "yogis" that all of life will be easier, but maybe as we refine our senses it just gets harder and more intense and so our level has to constantly keep adapting and maybe during this process things can seem overwhelming at times, or maybe I'm just justifying, or trying to justify, why I'm feeling overwhelmed this week with emotion and sensitive to every little interaction? God, who knows.

No matter what I think being a yogi is I am only just me. I'm a moody guy, which seems to have lessened a lot as my yoga practices have grown over the years. I'm just whatever I am at that time. Sometimes I'm sensitive, sometimes I'm not, sometimes I'm nice, sometimes I'm not. Well, I'm usually nice in my own idea of the word but I'm often too honest and people think I'm not so nice, but I'd rather tell you the truth than lie, which I think of as hurtful and damaging. I am many things, including today when I'm feeling as I already described to you above.

So I'm doing my best to make peace with who I am right now, and hopefully you won't get caught up in the crossfire of that!