New Year...

Oddly enough this year I'm not seeing too many end of the year posts or lists, by this time I've usually been saturated by them on Facebook and other social media and tv shows and such, but maybe since I'm in India I'm not seeing so much of that.

To me its not the end of the year, its just another day transforming into yet another day.

Here in Mysore it is the end of the month which means many of my friends are leaving to go home and many will be coming for January, already some have arrived. That transition seems odd but then in a week you forget about it and are used to the new schedule and the new energy around town. This year there is also someone here who just arrived from home who doesn't speak to me for reasons I don't know but I reached out before she arrived to open the avenue of communication and got a response, so we'll see. Hopefully that can be a healing that happens here as well. But other than that, it doesn't seem like the end of anything.

In yoga, especially maybe in the Ashtanga method, we are trained to really bring awareness, strong and deep awareness, to our practice. Which eventually then translates over into our lives. Once you start living with such awareness each moment can be a moment to let things go, to reapply your focus in a direction that is more helpful and to move forward in a direction that better serves you.

Here in Mysore especially it can be this way because the pressures of home are not here. You don't have to go to work, you can and some do, but its still not like having to drive in traffic and live under a heavy schedule like there. You don't have to teach and hold space for others, so your focus is almost solely on yourself. You have more of community because we're all here doing this strong practice and are having emotions come up, changes abound from within and we are constantly questioning the status quo and making changes to support the new findings we are gleaning as we work deeper and deeper each day. Many bring their family so may have kids or spouses to deal with just as at home, but again the pressures from daily life there don't seem to bring the same amount of pressure here as they do there. All in all, life here supports the deep inner work we're here to do, even if we are starting with the gross body, much more is going on than just learning new shapes to move yourself into.

So thinking of tomorrow being New Years Day doesn't really seem to have much effect. We still have to wake up well before dawn to get to the shala for our practice, so no late night activity, or not much anyway, happens for most of us. But the idea symbolically can be a good one. I just choose to not wait until a new year to make resolutions, but each day as I discover something that is no longer working for me, or something that could work better or something that will work for now while I wait for more guidance as to what direction to go, I make sankalpas. A sankalpa is an intention. An intention in which to move your life spiritually. To me spirit and energy form the grossness of matter, so your intention can begin that process with more integrity than without it.

Not to say this always happens, sometimes the same mistake is made for a while before I realize the old adage you can't expect new results from doing the same action is actually true. But as I age and my practice matures, mostly especially when I'm in Mysore and have the extra time to give to my awareness for the full day, it becomes a bit easier and eventually hopefully will come more and more naturally to catch the thing that needs to be changed much sooner than otherwise would have happened.

So my sankalpa for this time frame is to keep moving forward in life, bringing more and more awareness to each and every word I say, action I take and to each thought that pops up. Even more importantly my larger intention is to not be as judgmental to myself when I don't catch things or behaviors that are less than desirable but to use that as a reinforcement to bring more awareness there the next time, until it becomes habitual. Also my hope is that being less judgmental with myself will lead me to being less judgmental of others. Each of us is on our own path and has to learn how to navigate things in our own way, and that way may not be super desirable to me, but to them it may be the best choice they can make at that time and so will be the best thing for them.

I've grown up being judgmental about everything, I'm not going to get into where that came from but just from this moment forward work on not judging others and when I do in my mind, not judge myself for doing so, just hoping to be less so the next time.

This is for today, tomorrow I may need to work on something else, and the day after something else. But to be present with the changes and aware when my focus needs to shift is my bigger intention.

Maybe easier to say go with the flow? I need to learn to go with the flow more. Water is the most powerful force on the planet, it nurtured whole environments but can also destroy them. It flows down the stream, it may get stuck in an eddy from time to time but then it moves on past that. When there is a rock it can find the tiniest hole to make its way through, or it finds a path around the rock eventually wearing parts of the rock away to make a new route. But it always finds its way to flow downstream.

So maybe I should just say I want to be more and more like water...

Trust...

Trust, surrender, let go... These are all things you hear all the time here in Mysore and concepts we are constantly talking about while we're having our meals. They are also the scariest things on the planet especially when you were raised to grab a hold of something and not ever let go of it.

Saturday during led class, which I'm notorious for not liking because they move too fast for my back and it can get locked up, my back found a new glitch. Not really new I guess, its been there but when I'm practicing at my own pace I can work with it and through it and it will be gone by the time I'm finished and if not I have a couple stretches I can do that will help work it out. So because of this I was contemplating not going to led this morning so that it could get worked through, I did however set my alarm to get up early for led class just in case, then when it went off and I rolled over and felt the catch I decided to sleep a bit longer and then practice at home.

Which did not happen, so I decided to surrender and not worry about it, I have 5 more days of practicing after this anyway for the week so I'll work it out. But that mind set of pushing and doing is a hard one to overcome. So then folks say just surrender to it, it'll be okay.

Well, what does that mean? I know what it means I think but why is some days its so hard to do and others its the easiest thing?!?

I've really worked this trip to just allow and surrender to the fact that this practice is very physical and not concern myself with the physical part of it, but to move through it with devotion, following my breath and lifting my bandhas and for the most part it has been working. Then I miss a day and judge myself and am not observing ahimsa in my thoughts, so then I think let go, its okay, everything is the way its meant to be and many days that works, then others it does not.

Not that I'm saying I'm having a judgmental day today, but that I'm having a day of questioning I guess. Why is it so hard some days and some days so easy?

That's life right? We never know and the skills we're learning by studying the sutras and practicing the asanas and vinyasa are meant to be used in those days its not so easy and on the days it is pretty easy, to just ride that wave. Both are okay, even though they don't seem to be at the time. In afterthought we realize this. Maybe. Some days... LOL.

So I'm here, I'm trusting that this system works and that its okay when I have days that I find it not so easy to trust, I'm still trusting. Surrendering to the process, letting go and not concerning myself with it. Much easier to do here than at home. But maybe I need to quit thinking that way. I'm feeling this place is my home, at least for right now it is, so I'll say that it is easy here at home and when I get to my next place I'll feel at home there and it will also be easy as well, even if that place is still in India.

Yes, that means that I'm thinking about living here for a bit of time. Not sure when but I am sure that I want it to happen...

This goes back to my last post I think, this is like Jedi training. It can't be easy, but then when it has its moments of ease you can appreciate it all the more and eventually, maybe, it will feel like there's ease more often. Just maybe, I hope...

May The Force Be With You...

Okay, I'm in India and have just now seen the newest installment of the Star Wars franchise, The Force Awakens, for my third time.

I began looking for a spiritual path, even though I didn't know that term yet, back in 1980 after Yoda talked about the force so much and so convincingly in the Empire Strikes Back. So Star Wars made me realize there was more to life than just following what I was told in the Baptist church I was raised in.

A few years later Shirley MacLaine's book "Out on a Limb" was made into a tv miniseries and having seen her and been moved by her performance in Terms of Endearment (yes, I was only 13 when I saw it but I am gay, so the appreciation for good drama has always been there lol) I wanted to watch it, knowing nothing about its content. It moved me even more and I realized at this point that there were many paths from the east that talked about the force, or what they called prank, or chi, depending on which path you were on. So I read a few more of her books and they started my process. I quickly forgot that process to a degree when I moved out of my house at 18 in 1988 and began partying and socializing after having gotten a real job making real money.

When a friend had me reread a couple of Shirley's books in 1997 we decided to go on a journey looking for some spiritual work to be done and ended up just drinking a lot but had a lot of great discussions, so this is probably when the process really started of me trying to really find a spiritual path that rang my bells. The year following that trip Madonna's Ray of Light album came out with all these ideas she'd been exposed to from her study of Kabbalah and Ashtanga Yoga, and as a young gay man, when Madonna talks people listen! lol, I listened anyway.

It wasn't until I started a yoga class that I found a copy of Yoga Journal at a local "hippie" grocery store and there was an article about Madonna and her practice in it that I actually started looking for and found an intro to Ashtanga class and knew I'd found my home. At that time I felt like it was probably the closest thing to Jedi training in its intensity and the power of moving prank that it has.

There have been many posts about my journey so I'm not going to get into detail about it all over again, but after seeing the newest Star Wars for the third time and finally being in Mysore, now for my third time, I'm realizing that this is much like Jedi training. Probably as close as we as humans will ever get.

There are trials an tribulations, learning to control and move our own energy, learning to control our minds and body at the most subtle levels. The classes here are more intense than at home, although at home has its own intensity for me since I practice on my own daily before I teach. They also bring out emotions more quickly, and changes in our bodies more quickly. And if I remember correctly I believe Matthew Sweeney compares it to the Jedi path in his book as well, so I'm not alone in feeling this way.

All of the things that come up for us here are tested daily in that we are very social here with one another, so you are almost always being tested in your resolve around many issues and interactions with others. So there is more of a barometer here than there probably is at home, especially if you're a home practitioner and are the only teacher in your area.

Bringing this awareness to me this trip is also another level of understanding as I move forward on this path that I am grateful for. My friend I just saw the movie with made a Facebook post reminiscent of this one so I owe him props as well since his post inspired me to write this. I don't necessarily have a lot to say right now, just wanted to put that connection out there and see how many also find this is true for them.

Two spoons..

So I'm supposed to be on a call talking to a doctor about teaching an Intro to Ashtanga course at a university here in India, but the line is busy and has been now for a bit. So I decided to write a bit.

Conference this last Saturday was really good. At first I was trying to write but couldn't really formulate what I wanted to say, but I knew there was something in there to say. It never did come to the surface so I just left it alone. Now I still don't know that there are words that will come out, but I'm going to write anyway.

One thing I did find out that I'll tell you about, often when you go to the local Indian restaurants for idly or vada they will give you two spoons, and someone posted asking why in the Facebook community. So I thought maybe it was because they used one for one thing and one for the other, but I finally asked and found out it is to cut of the food and you use one to spoon it into your mouth then. So they use them much like we use a fork and knife in the West. I personally don't use utensils this way, I just use a fork to cut through whatever I'm eating and then to place it in my mouth, but we're taught this with the knife and fork as the "proper" way to eat things...

So, now we know, big mystery solved.

Another thing, the new installment of the Star Wars franchise came out last week at home. And I've been seeing post after post about how good it is, people seeing it multiple times. Here in India it doesn't come out until Friday, which is Christmas. I checked last night and the tickets for the Thursday night early shows were already on sale so a good friend offered to scooter me up there and boom, got the tickets. I'm excited to see the film realized visually, but I've already read all the information and know all that happens in the movie, well, maybe not all. But the big plots and twists I know. I also know that it looks and feels much like the original movie and is an homage of sorts to it. Still, I'm excited to see it.

This week I made my debut back into the led classes here after three weeks(?) maybe? Not sure exactly when I stopped going but its been a while and I followed some good advice and it worked. I had a nice spot and didn't have to deal with the pushing and shoving to get into the class. That was yesterday and today was a Mysore class. I was tired. The full moon this Friday has already got me waking up at odd times of the night, the non moon day weeks I've been sleeping like a baby. So I went to class very sleepy this morning but due to that fact my mind wasn't there to distract me from my focus, so my breath was good and my practice was quick and smooth. Very nice.

These are the kind of practices we all want to have all the time I think. This being already an intense form of yoga, having a bit of ease here and there is very welcome!

Well, not much to say so I'll go try to call once more and then take a nap if there's no answer again.

Have a great week and if I don't get to write again before Friday and say so, have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays in general, whatever might be the ones you celebrate!

New moon in Mysore...

Thank you all for the comments on my last post, I appreciate them and your insight and support. I have been with this practice, well for 8 years and then when I came back to it for 4 again, so I know its an ebb and flow and I have grown pretty good at riding the waves of it. I also find that writing about my thought processes I'm currently going through helps me to work through the issues coming up, so that's what you're seeing here. Doesn't mean I'm giving up, just means I'm moving through the cracks, finding my way to the other side. Again, thank you, love you all.

Today was a new moon, which in this tradition means a day off the asana aspect of practice. Which also very often to me means a day other aspects of the practice come up. Sharath in conference this morning, yes we had conference on our day off, talked about working with yourself first instead of reading texts. Paying attention where you're working with the yamas or niyamas throughout your day and how you can work with them more clearly, which one is needed and in what dose in a certain situation, where to pull back, where to move forward. These of course are my words and how I'd say them, but I got the point. I'm sure that I have them in my mind at different times, but what I took away from what he talked about this morning was a new level of awareness that's needed.

I'm aware of how I carry my body in space, I'm aware of every aspect of myself physically, I'm also very often aware of how I'm feeling in my mind, but I may not be aware of if my thinking takes me down a path that isn't so ahimsic, or where I'm allowing my contentment to wane in a certain situation or other.

I also know that awareness only deepens. When I was younger I drank a lot and did a lot of drugs in order to dull my awareness, because it seemed I only noticed when I was in a negative situation or thought pattern and never took the time to appreciate when I was feeling great and milking that experience for all it was worth. I think if we can get to the point that we do that, then we're living the example for others that we need to be.

At home I seem to be pretty good at noticing that, but here I feel the energy is much more intense and so it overwhelms me more often which leaves me reacting and staying in my room longer. But now its time for me to step back up to that place I can often hold myself at home. As of right now this place is my home for a mother few months and its time to treat it as such...

On the moon day's eve we often have a gathering or many different gatherings to choose from and last night was no exception. We had a kirtan hosted at a beloved breakfast place we all go to (great owners) that has been revamped and turned out to be a great place to have a big group of us together, I even almost danced, a little bit hahaha... But being around a large group all at once where you can socialize a bit if you want or not if you don't want is a great thing and rare in this world, it might only happen here.

Today and really this whole week, has been very relaxing and low energy so its been nice. But now I need to start figuring out what I'm going to do with myself. I am scheduled for three months with Sharath and then was planning on going north to travel around with a friend, who ended up having to go home unexpectedly. Which isn't a big deal, traveling alone doesn't scare me. But money is running a bit tight and I need to figure out if staying here and just practicing at home that extra month will be cheaper and more sustainable, then I can travel next time or just make a trip here to be in the north, hmmmm, there's a thought. Not whining just thinking out loud, or rather thinking through my fingers since I'm typing!

It will all work out the way its supposed to and I'm embracing that with open arms, it's surgery month after all. Things never stay still when they are being worked on and this month has definitely been bringing my stuff to the surface and requiring me to do the deeper work, which is why I'm here, right?

A Crisis of Faith...

Okay, a crisis of faith might be a bit dramatic for what I'm going through, but if you know me at all you know I can be a bit dramatic from time to time.

Also, why in the hell am I writing so much?!? A friend complimented that I keep up with my blog so well and I said well usually I'm very uninspired and only write once a month if that, but for whatever reason this trip is showing all of the things I need to work on and rather than holding them in (even though I am internally processing them) I'm writing about them and hopefully they help others going through similar emotional release.

I'm also tired of talking about how emotional I am this trip! Hopefully it all starts moving through and I can get some clarity and let go.

Saturday after I was moved to walk home and practice instead of push and shove my way into the shala to vie for a spot that was then going to be cramped and tight to move in. I had a great practice, but I also thought a lot about the fact that I'm not here to be practicing alone. I do that at home every day. I'm here to practice with my teacher in a group setting. So I resolved that I would be going to the led class Monday (Sunday is our day off here, in case you didn't know that). So when Monday came, I got good sleep and got up in time, got ready and walked out the door only to see from up the street that again there was an enormous amount of people already sitting and waiting at the gate to get in. So, very discouraged, I turned around and went home. I decided to wait a bit to practice so got online, chatted with a few people back home where it was afternoon for them, and then was planning to practice at about 5am. But instead I dozed off and fell asleep until 7am, and when I awoke I was starving, so I got up, washed my face and went to breakfast.

I'm feeling very unsure of things today. Why am I so willing to give up a practice when I've worked so hard to get here? The practice is harder here, more intense, yes. I know this, I've been here before and experienced it. Why then is it so hard for me to stay motivated to do the practice? Is it because I'm not as far along in the series as I think I should be? Possibly, but does that really matter? Not really and I know it, but sometimes the ego creeps its way in and doesn't let me have much peace. Is it because this practice doesn't work? Not so, I know and we all know when utilized it does make us feel better, physically and emotionally and mentally! Is it because I'm tired of everything being so hard? Yes, this might be it. I have found a level of ease in my life over the past couple years and it seems like why does this practice have to be so hard to be effective. Now we all know there are many other softer practices, or ones that are less physically intense that work. I myself used Kundalini yoga for many years and it gave me clarity and opened me up in many ways, so why do I need to do this much more physically demanding practice instead? I don't know.

Could it also be because I'm not competitive? Yes, for sure. Now the idea is that this practice is not competitive, even though its very physically demanding. I'm okay with that, the demanding part is good for my mind and body both and I get a lot out of that. But mostly I think its the getting into that room on the led class days that puts me off. Yes I want a spot in the main room, not to be stuck in the changing room or lobby to practice, would it kill me to be in there though? No, of course it wouldn't... But the pushing and shoving to get in there? Ridiculous, it makes me feel terrible and there is so much stress to that part of the day that it puts me off completely. Am I driven enough? I feel like I'm driven in wanting to build that deeper connection with source, but as far as getting on to practicing the further postures in the series that I'm not yet? No, I don't think I"m driven in that way at all.

I for years practiced intermediate series with adding on some of the advanced a series as well, almost daily, primary series a couple times a week, as taught to my by my first teacher. So maybe because I've already "achieved" those postures I'm in no hurry to do them again? Maybe, but I also remember feeling more amazing after an intermediate series practice than primary series, its actually more intense to me than any of the other parts that I've practiced before.

Am I tired of primary series? Maybe a bit, it is monotonous for sure, but last year after my back went out here, Sharath was adamant that it would heal my back problems if I stuck with it, I will say from my experience that yes, it has mostly healed them and I'm feeling pretty great.

So why am I missing so many practices here and why am I okay with it and what the fuck am I going to do about it? Well, I think part of it is that I'm seeing so much posting on Instagram and Facebook about the postures, but not the deeper aspects of yoga and so many people content to be good at that and not so worried about the behavioral parts of it. Now, is that for me to worry about? No, all I need to be concerned with is my practice and how I approach it, so when will I finally be able to let go of my concern with others and what they're doing? I don't know. Maybe never. Am I okay with that? No, I want to be able to let go of caring about that now.

It seems each trip has had the theme of letting go, or surrender, but each time it has been more deep and moving me to another level of letting go. This one is the deepest yet and I find my mind fighting back a bit and not being okay with that, I don't like fighting , especially when its internal. I like things to be easy and flowing.

So I'll figure it out I guess. I need to remind myself why I'm here. I'm here to do this work. I'm here to do this practice because I believe in it and know that it can help me move forward and through my emotions and mental states, even while at the same time being the thing that is bringing them to the surface. I'm here because I believe in something bigger than myself and through this practice I've discovered more and more connection to it and relativity with it and am learning how to maintain that throughout my day, even though I'm not feeling it right this moment, I still have two more months to be able to refine how to get back in touch with it when I'm feeling distanced from it, so, lets get on this shall we?

If you're reading this please feel free to give me shit if you don't see me waiting at the gate, its time for me to lift myself up by my balls and either do this or not!

Saturday...

As I've mentioned a few times in my blog since being back in Mysore, this trip I seem to be very emotional. I thought it was waning but alas, here I sit at home again today and it's crept its way back in. I'm not saying its a bad thing, its just there. I tend to be someone who feels his emotions but is not usually affected by them. And I've said many times, I think here in India everything is closer to the surface, whereas in America we tend to bury everything or build layers over our emotions so they aren't coming to the surface all the time, here it just isn't so. They are there and felt much more quickly and easily.

So this morning I got up to go to led class at 4:30am, as I was walking to the shala could see there was an exponentially larger number of people waiting at the gate and I had come a bit earlier than normal. It immediately put me off but still I went and sat at the gate and waited, but as the number increased again and again, I decided I might need to go home and practice. Not that I'm scared of a busy room, I've practiced in that packed room for three seasons in a row now but I was feeling, dare I say, delicate? So as everyone stood up to await the unlocking of the gate I made the decision to walk home and practice there. And I did, and it was a great practice, I also did the pranayama sequence and chanted the yoga sutras. Very nice.

Then had a great Indian breakfast with some good friends at Sri Durga. Then conference. Conference last week was lovely, brought up a lot of intention for me to focus on in my practice this week and inspired me as well.

Today it was fine too, and Sharath I think is actually enjoying them lately as well. He's laughing, cracking jokes and having fun with us. But today when asked a question about pratyahara, which is one of the 8 limbs lain out in the Ashtanga Yoga system he said some things that made me think a lot. He talked a lot about asana as his opening talk before taking questions, and then this question about how pratyahara fits into our practices comes up and he told that the first four limbs are the external practices and they only ones we can "do," whereas the last happen on their own, but from cultivating the first four. Pratyahara being one of them. Pratyahara is generally translated to mean withdrawal of the senses but he talked about it being seeing god, or rather divine (he's been rather averse to using the term god these past two seasons because, as he said last year, it has too many different meanings to too many people. So he's been using supreme or the supreme this season so far) in everything. Guruji, his grandfather, used to say "everywhere looking, God seeing. Looking wall, seeing God..."

When I first began my journey in yoga I read many times in many different scriptures and interpretations of philosophy that you should see everyone as divine. In India I know they look forward to serving others because they consider them divine, or as Ram Dass says "God in drag." RuPaul also always says "we're all born naked and the rest is drag" which to me means that how we choose to be seen in the world is our drag, it's basically all a big show and we are playing a part in it.

But this time it stuck with me. Do I do this? Do I? How do I treat people? How would I treat the divine if it or he or she or whatever was standing there before me? Am I a nice person?

I like the stories of the sages or saints or apostles from the Hindu scriptures, or from the bible, that I've read of the men that argue with God. They take God for someone they can talk to like a best friend, someone that they would argue with about a subject until they understood their point of view, or until theirs was understood, or until they came to the point of agreeing that it's okay to agree to disagree. This is the view I've always had of myself i realized suddenly.

So yes, in my way I do my best to see God or the divine in everyone. I may not always be successful, nor may I always make the other feel as if I'm treating them like they are God in drag, but if you know me you'll know that if I care enough about you to debate with you, or to argue with you, or to even hang out with you then I do love you.

Sometimes I do feel bad that maybe I could have treated someone a bit more nicely but then I realize that I was being honest about who I was at that moment. Now, that doesn't mean I can't or won't be taking the time to cultivate a stronger awareness of when I'm not being as nice as I want to be, it just means that that may be all I have to give at that moment. So lately here I've been staying to myself more when I'm feeling this way so that I don't put that off on someone else.

All in all, I'm doing my best to be the best person I can be, that's all I can do. So sorry if I've stepped on your toes lately, but that probably means I care about you a great deal and am working on not stepping on your toes so much. And sorry if I've reneged on plans but that is probably because I wouldn't be the best company at that time. Not that these excuses are good to have, just that that's where I am at that time.

Stick with me and in the end hopefully you'll enjoy the results for it will all be okay in the end, and if its not, then its not yet the end (a favorite quote from a favorite movie of mine)...

Mysore daily...

Daily life here in Mysore can be quite hectic, but also can be quite boring, and yet again can be quite calm and relaxing. It can be just about anything you think it can be or want it to be.

Personally I'm one who likes free time in life normally, but here when I first started coming I signed up for this Sanskrit class, these chanting lessons, this trip into the city, that trip to a local landmark, etc. Then I realized, nope, this is not for me. I like to have something to do but not too much and, of course, the trip centers around your practice ideally.

We travel all the way here to study yoga at the source with our teacher and so that is the priority to me. For that I have to wake up well before dawn and shower, chant and brush my teeth before heading to sit at the shala gate for just a bit before they let us in the room to begin practice. So that means going to bed very early, not my favorite thing, but this is my first priority right? So I do it.

When finished with that, coconuts. We must have them. They are fresh, something not available where I live, and they are good and replenish lots of vitamins and minerals we lose in sweating so much in the shala. The practice, although the same one we do at home daily, is much more intense. Probably because of the amount of energy in the room all the people create and when you're used to practicing at home alone that can be overwhelming. But we do adjust to it.

After that a hot shower and breakfast. Which brings me to my second priority here, eating. Not meaning overindulging, just meaning knowing when and how much to eat to service priority number one. I eat a lot in the mornings, then a little less at lunch and then almost nothing around 4pm, 5pm at the latest. Then I feel great and mostly empty but still energized enough for practice in the morning, which begins at 4am by the way.

Then at the shala we have chanting class in the late morning usually, right now its at noon because there are so many people here, its short, just a half an hour, but I also take chanting lessons from a local lady and am joined by a few friends. I can now chant the first and second padas of the yoga sutras without any reference paper, but am learning the third currently with her.

Then of course, lunch. Lunch is usually 12-2, in there somewhere, then the afternoon can be me doing a Thai massage on someone, or like today a friend and I watched a movie on amazon prime, some days its a nap, often the nap comes in mid morning for me after breakfast (if I take one at all, not a biggie for me), some days its writing. Who knows, can be anything, then if still a bit of space I'll have a small something to eat.

All this time though we're feeling the effects of our practice, which is more intense as earlier referenced. Which can be emotional release, physical aches and pains in the body, mental stress and more. But it can also be peace, calm and quiet in the mind, which is quite nice in itself and this trip hasn't happened much for me until this week, so I'm enjoying it.

It can also be catching up on things at home with messages, email or other sources.

There's no one way to do Mysore, there are many ways and this one hasn't found one thing like the other trips, it seems to be different daily and I think I'm liking that. Keeps me on my toes.

Oh, and the biggest thing that often happens, socializing. Having great conversations with interesting people from all sorts of countries and cultures we may or may not know much about. This is my favorite when done in small doses and has helped me grow friends with more people than I can even count.

I love it here...

Finally settling in...

So today is Saturday November the 28th and its been an amazing day.

I've been having trouble sleeping and that's not something I am going to get into right now, and last night even though it was quiet, was no exception. I did however fall back asleep and get about 5 hours all told before I had to get up very early to get to the shala for led class. I hadn't a lot of energy but I decided I was just going to surrender and not put any physical effort into practice other than with my breath. So, that's what I did. I did not hold chattering at all, I didn't lift up and jump back or jump through. I did the laziest versions of all these things that I could do. And surprisingly enough the practice ended up energizing me and making me feel great.

After that I had chai with some friends after our after practice coconuts, then home to oil my hair and body and then have a hot shower before heading for an Indian breakfast with a great group of friends at Sri Durga. I got to introduce a new friend to a couple of the local specialties. And it was a great breakfast.

Then we headed back to the shala for conference with our teacher Sharath.

Last season many of the conferences completely inspired me and filled me full of good stuff to take back home, but since I've been here this time they've been just so so. This one was far beyond that though and started getting my heart juices flowing again and reinvigorated me with the reason why I am here at all. The fact that this practice is a whole lifestyle and is so much more than just the asanas. Now he always says many of these things, but today he dug into it more deeply and his son was there with him which is also a tug on the heart strings, seeing them interact with one another. Sambav is a mini version of Sharath and you can almost imagine what a precocious child he was himself, but also just adorable and funny, which Sharath still is actually.

I'm not going to get into the particulars of what he talked about because that wasn't the point. The point for me is how it affected me and how it will come back out of me in the future, in my teaching and in my life, so that will come in time.

Fumika and I talked later about how much respect we have for him and the disciplined lifestyle he leads and from the teachings he learned from his grandfather how he just keeps wanting to share it with us.

He did address one thing I was most impressed with and I will talk a bit about. Someone asked about some friends of his back home, I believe he was Russian and where he lives there is no authorized teacher and how the new rule of having to study with one or a certified teacher for a few months before being able to apply to study with Sharath is now necessary, so they are wanting to come but won't get to. What should he tell them? And Sharath was right on the ball with his answer and said tell them to wait until you're authorized and then you can teach them and then they can come here. The he went on to expound upon why he set the rule and how with so many coming he can't give them the energy he would need to give them to be able to accept them as a student, so by having them learn all the basics with one of his teachers, who he has approved, then he can know and trust they will know the basics at least when they come and he can help to advance their practice.

In saying this he's not only showing his belief and his support in the teachers he's taken time to cultivate and has authorized them but he's also taking care of himself but not taking on too much, even though he really still does I think. I really appreciated that and it made me appreciate him even more than I did before.

After conference we sped off to see the new installment of the Hunger Games movie franchise, also the final film in the series. It really stuck to the book and I loved it. After that we ate at Dhatu, which I haven't been to much this trip for some reason, and it was really good too.

So I guess I'm just having a damn good day! I'm feeling settled into the groove again of this place and the yoga is taking great affect on my body and mind. At first a lot of emotion was coming out but now its feeling more like I'm integrating those lessons and am able to bring myself around to a more neutral mental place before just reacting and that feels nice.

Now the progress begins. I talked with someone the other day about how one month here really isn't long enough since the first month seems like you're being cut open, the second month feels like the surgery is happening and then the third month is really like being sewn back up. Now at the end of my first month, November, I'm feeling ready for the shifts and realizations that can happen during the surgery!

How are you feeling?

Almost a month here already?!?

It doesn't seem possible that I'm already starting my fourth week of practice here. It barely seems like I've practiced at all here. Craziness I tell you. The first batch is getting ready to go home, some of them anyway, and a new batch will arrive soon. And of course there are those of us who are staying.

Last post I wrote about a lot of emotions coming up and out and that is still going on, but what I find is affecting me the most is the getting up so early. At home I go to bed around 7:30-8pm to wake up at 2:30am to begin practice by 3am so that I can do my asanas, pranayama and chanting before showering, eating breakfast and then heading out to teach. So I come her and get the 4:30am time slot, which is fine by me, and then start getting up again at 2:30 to be ready to practice by 4 (they let us in really early and we actually start at 4am, not 4:30am). The difference is that here I don't have to be anywhere, so don't have to rush through my practice by a certain time.

But last week it was getting to me, the waking up so early. I really felt like not going every day, but I still got up and made it every day. Now today I overslept and missed practice, so am feeling mentally icky and a bit judgmental about it, but I know it will also be okay.

This trip seems to be more emotional in general, not just for me, but for everyone I talk to. This is all a part of the yogic path though, bringing things to the surface to figure them out and not allow that pattern to keep having prominence in your life. Only to move on to another thing to come up and deal with and another and another, it seems. Funny the things we do to ourselves on purpose. But its all in the order of things here in Mysore, we come here for the deeper work. Sure, also to learn new asanas, but mostly to deal with the releases those new asanas give us and live with the diversity so that we can become better people and hopefully learn to live as the example to others as well.

I came here with a large beard, and a growing one too, it seems like its gotten an inch longer since I've been here. But also this need for letting of things has led me to want to cut it off, so I think I'll be to a barber later today to have them cut it short. Often times this is symbolic for me of the letting go I'm trying to enact in my daily life, and that I am feeling as well. Not sure what I'm letting go of but I feel the need to not hold on to anything right now, especially as some of my friends are leaving and new ones will be returning.

I also find myself wanting to hole up and watch movies or tv shows, and so I'm doing a bit of that. I'm enjoying the escape of these shows right now and am not going to judge myself about them, I'm just going to enjoy watching them. I'm trying to follow what feels good and allow that to dictate what I'm doing and so they feel good for now!

We'll see how the rest of this week goes, as I show up for class tomorrow and the rest of the week minus Wednesday which is the full moon here, but maybe I'll practice anyway since I missed today? Maybe not. Again, I'll see how it feels when I wake up that day and go from there.

I'm always wanting to put pics on here as well, but have yet to figure out how to make that happen, if anyone knows feel free to message me about it, thank you!

beginning the third week here..

So this is the third week I'm here, but the second full week of practicing in the shala has just completed. This time the practice is like I'm going backwards instead of progressing forward. Back bending has been phenomenal but twisting and binding has almost felt as it its impossible.

I just talked with a lady who is here for her first time and she was saying, its like I'm taking one step forward and then two steps back. And I'll be damned it that didn't manifest in my body that same week lol. We'll see how this week goes, its a full 6 day week, so no interruptions and that usually helps sort me out, today being the first led class of the week, the next four days will be Mysore style practice ending with another led primary series class.

Another thing has been the emotions coming up. Last Wednesday was the new moon and it was intense the day after and Friday with emotional release after I'd practice, so I took my own version of a ladies holiday on Saturday and Sunday is our normal day off. Shhhhh, don't tell Sharath, he hasn't asked me about it yet.

My friend and student who is here with me has also had a trying time with getting sick a few times already and having family stuff going on back home, so I think this trip is going to be a doozy. A lot of stuff coming up to see how we deal with it, but then I guess each time has its stuff. Last trip was my back and diarrhea, the first one was my weight and anger. I'll let this one unfold and not try to label what it's throwing at me, just try to receive it and be present with whatever comes up.

I thought I had a lot more to write but apparently I don't. I'm sure there will be much more to come, but we'll see.

First week complete...

It's been quite a while since I wrote anything on here, so here it goes.

It's going on my second week back in Mysore but my first full week of practice, tomorrow is our day off. To celebrate we had pizza and chocolate malts which was all so good!

My first week back feels great. I typically don't like led classes and he started out the week with two of them, the first of which was actually fine and the next day was even better. Then we had three days of Mysore in a row, which is self practice of the Ashtanga method and we all had to do primary series since its the first week, then another led class today.

I must say each day my practice got better, felt more amazing and my back bending opened up more and more each of the three Mysore days. Then today's led class was a bust. I got through it, did every posture, but it was like pulling teeth and before that waking up was miserable. I've gotten up pretty easily all week but not this morning!

After practice, since this season I'm starting at 4:30am, really 4am because they are letting us in so early so far, I have plenty of time to get home, chill out, take a hot shower and rub down with oil before heading out of the house for breakfast. Today me and three others went for Indian breakfast at Sri Durga and damn was it so good! I love the Westernized places for breakfast, they are a good place to read and chill, or visit with friends too, but Indian food is so good first thing in the morning I must say.

And today after the led class was conference with Sharath. Last season as the weeks went by he got more and more in the swing and said more and more inspiring things that left me speechless sometimes, crying sometimes, very deeply reflective other times. Today was sort of a generic start off that talked about the deeper dimension of Ashtanga yoga, the 8 limbs. Stuff most of know or have heard of but a good intro for new people. That hall was more packed than I've ever seen it though, I think since he laid out the new rule about having to have studied with an authorized teacher before coming here to see him that many, many new people are going to Saraswathi, so she must be packed, because it was packed in there with many I see around town but not in class with me, but then again I don't see as many people as i used to because I'm so early this year.

When I got here I was among a very few Westerners here already and it was nice to be here so early and watch as so many arrived, fun too because I know so many of them and was and am so happy to see them again. We definitely have a unique thing going on here where we come from so many corners of the globe to meet at this one little town in the middle of south India. I'm very glad to be a part of this too!

But it was also nice to be going around to all the familiar places and enjoying the food I love again and see the local people here whom I have grown so fond of as well. I really am living a blessed life, how many get to visit India yearly and meet up with old friends each time? Well, I know quite a few people, but none from my neck of the woods.

I am so happy that tomorrow is our day of rest, it is much needed, even though I am so happy to be back practicing in the shala with my teacher. And excited to start the second week and see what it brings. Also one of my students is here with me this time, so getting to share this experience with her has been so awesome too. But she is studying with Saraswathi so is also getting to have her own experience as well.

I'll end for now, but as I move through this time here I hope to write more. Lately I've been feeling more internal and writing in my journal rather than on here, but hopefully I'll find expression on this page as well. I look forward to sharing it with you!

See you soon...

Self expression

So, I'm driving in my car just a few moments ago listening to Grace Jones' last album, Hurricane, it came out in Europe in 2009 and here in 2011. I bought it from amazon on a whim and damn, I've been listening to it for over a year now. But after seeing her again recently on a couple of youtube videos that show her performing as a now 67 year old woman, who is still vibrant, in shape and as expressive as ever (those who grew up in the 70's and 80's will remember her visual form of expression well, as well as her interesting vocals, or songs if you prefer), it made me pull her album back out and give it another listen.

I must preface this by saying that a friend of mine and I went to see Abraham last weekend, or rather see Esther Hicks channel Abraham and the energy in the room was awesome and something that I was holding inside broke loose and now I feel more free than I ever have. Vibrant and happy and seeking expression in many, many different ways. But I digress...

So, the first line of the first song on the album, the song is called This Is Life..., is "this is my voice, my weapon of choice." Brilliant. She does use visuals for sure, but if you listen to this album, hell, if you listen to the lyrics on all of her albums they are groundbreaking. She expresses her opinions very clearly and very well and very artisticly. This I believe is something that all of us need to do, figure out what our medium is and use it to bring out the stuff we have inside. Which brings to mind my favorite quote from the Gnostic Gospel of Thomas, attributed to being said by Jesus,

If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

I love that. It tells it straight forward. Now, it also can scare the fuck out of you right? So basically its saying if you don't express yourself that stuff you're holding back will kill you from the inside out! Scary as hell. But it can also be a big kick to dig in deep, figure out what's in there and let it start to boil to the surface and find a form of expression that satisfies it, which is the way I'm choosing to look at it.

So, I'm driving, listening to Grace, with all this energy flowing through me and wondering, hmmm, she uses her voice to express herself, and very much as equally uses costumes to accentuate her appearance and other forms of physical and visual expression, including hula hooping while wearing fully vinyl outfit and 6 inch heels and singing "Slave to the Rhythm" and all the while being 67. So what in the fuck in my form of self expression? What rings my bells?

I have to say first of all, interacting with others. I love to talk to people, see what makes them tick and blend it with my views on life and see what concoction comes out of it. First and foremost that is my choice of expression. What else?

Well, I love to teach. Teaching, especially lately with this great core group of students I have and this new group of other teachers coming in to try out Ashtanga, I've been more inspired than ever to teach it more and more. But even more so to practice and give it more of my energy. Practicing also moves more and more energy through my body which in turn also feeds my need for expression but also feeds the creativity of what wants to come out of me, and it seems to want it more often. This week especially, I assume after being in the presence of Abraham last Saturday, I'm so, so inspired and full of energy that I almost can't stand myself, but then I channel it and find more energy on top of that, crazy.

But also, I love to write. When I was a child I used to draw. I would draw new characters, characters based on comic book heroes I loved, but also my own creations and I would give them interesting suits or outfits and hairdos, then I would color it in. It was very fulfilling to me, but I also made up storylines and where they were going, how they dealt with situations and what happened to them was almost, if not more, interesting to me to come up with. But I also read books voraciously. I couldn't stop. I still to this day love to read, fiction and non-fiction, as long as its well written. I love it. So one day I took up writing this blog and found it interesting how I felt afterwards. Like I'd let go of some crap that wasn't serving me anymore. Then I got a lot of responses after writing maybe ten or so blog entries and it dawned on me, oh, people are actually reading this. I also discovered that it was so cathartic to have it be read by folks I didn't even know and that they were identifying with it. Then I got the bug, so I would write a lot.

Lately I've not been writing as much. I've been really trying to figure out how my last trip to Mysore affected me and what wants to come of the ideas I've got coming up. So the starting of the Mysore program here is only the beginning of that expression, there is more to come after this upcoming trip.

This week I found myself writing long statuses on Facebook, both on my yoga page and my personal page, which made me realize that I've been missing the writing as a form of expression. So while driving tonight this blog entry started to formulate in my mind and I was taking a walk at the park so had to get in the car and rush home to write this. There might even be more wanting to come out, I'll see if another entry comes up tomorrow. But I do think that I'm going to have to make writing more of a priority, it does really fulfill me and help me keep stuff from getting all backed up inside. Once it backs up enough it starts to manifest physically as a tight spot, or muscle issue, or spinal problem or a headache, so I need to keep it flowing.

This is my public commitment to keep flowing the energy, allowing it expression through my teaching, through my voice (and yes, I'd love to sing too if you wanna give me a try) and through my writing. Maybe I'll even write a book. I could start it while I'm in Mysore again. I always doubt anyone would read it but I have a lot of stories people love to hear like my upbringing and discovering spirituality, rather than Christianity, through Shirley MacLaine's books. Then after moving out of the house partying all the time, becoming a Wiccan, performing in drag for almost a year, partying some more, finding myself to have a sexual addiction which manifested in many different ways for well over fifteen years, finding yoga while working in the corporate world, becoming a Sikh in the middle of America where most are provincial and fundamentalist Christians, walking around publicly wearing a turban after 911 and everyone thinking I was going to blow them up, going to India and meeting people from all over the globe.... These are just to name a few, so maybe I have some content to fill up a book with.

Do you have a form of self expression? Are you feeling blocked and/or backed up and like there are things needing to come out or else they will destroy you from the inside out? Remember, it's your choice to feel this way. You can choose to start to seek ways to allow this stuff to flow out from you. Go look at art, listen to a singer at a pub or coffeehouse, read a book you might never have thought about before, or just sit down and write something, anything, to get the juices flowing.

We all have things that light us up, that turn our cranks, that really get us feeling alive. Do you figure out what they are and allow them to the surface, or keep them locked away to eventually kill you of some disease? I saw let them free, get it moving now, don't waste another minute.

The energy on this planet, in this universe, is flowing at a faster rate than ever. Are you up to speed with it or not???

The energy of transformation...

This has been on my mind a lot lately, probably because so many things are changing and its starting to feel like your feet are coming out from under you to keep up, sound familiar?

So when you feel that pressure, you're drawn to do the thing that you're doing, let's say your asana practice (maybe since in the Ashtanga method that's a daily hurdle), that next posture is coming up, you know you don't love it, but you know that when you're finished with it it feels better and it feels like you've moved past something, or through something. For me this used to be standing up, I'd seemingly been able to drop back more easily than I thought I would, even though there was that fear of plonking down onto your head I could still do it, but the standing up comes first. My first trip to Mysore Sharath taught me the full primary series after 6 weeks then started me on standing up and dropping back the 7th week, then came the end of my time there and I had a meeting with him and he sent me home with that as my "homework," the second trip I had different homework, now looms my third trip where the homework from my first trip is finally dare I use the word easy? No, easier, yes, it is easier. I can now stand up and drop back with less trepidation than ever before and lately its almost been as if its easy. Now, my homework from last trip I won't discuss, its still not easy, I am getting closer to it, but its not easy.

So when those standing up and dropping back thingees were coming up I'd feel it, it was a like I was under pressure and when I got there I'd have built it up to be much more than it should've been. That pressure, and the fact that there is less of it now, some days even none, is the transmutation of that energy into a new thing. I like to say, "yes, in this practice we are trying to kill you. (long pause) Kill those little parts of your psyche that are no longer serving you to be exact, so you are in a cocoon right now waiting to break through that tough shell to emerge as a butterfly." So, it may be true that in this practice there are many levels of transformation, or layers to be shed, or veils to be lifted, but each time it feels like that, transforming into a new way of thinking or being.

Well, that pressure you feel, which can often feel like a completely real physical pressure, is the neural synopses pulling away from one another. Now you may read that and say what the fuck?!? But when we get in a pattern, or a habit of thought or of doing things a certain way it gets comfortable and when comfortable there is no transformation happening, yes I said that. So when you're trying to change a habit, either of thought or of physical action, those synopses in the brain that are used to firing together, trading electrical impulses that help keep you exactly where you are, and you introduce a new way of doing something or of thinking, they start to have to pull away from one another, to learn to fire in a new pattern with a different set of synopses and many will say "its making my head hurt." Well, yes, it literally is making your head hurt, that pulling away can also feel like pressure. Not pressure in a specific place, but just pressure, like stress, like you're on the verge of changing and it's easier to go back to the old way but you're drawn to the new way so you want to keep moving forward and its too much! AAaaaahhhhh!!!

LOL

This is the time when people often stop their yoga practice, they can't take it, they don't want any more change to come and are ready to just relax and be comfortable for a while. Well, this is exactly the time to not give up and to push forward, now I don't mean push as in physically because that will result in injury, and learning from an injury is a whole other topic of conversation, but pushing past the boundaries of your limited thinking. Stopping thinking in scarcity or lack, start thinking in abundance and fertility. But that's hard, isn't it? Yes, but if you do it and once the pressure lifts you are on the other side of it and it feels like ease, like feeling better, like flow and allowing yourself to go with the flow. And that's not to say there won't be new obstacles to your thought processes in the future but once you've made it through one transformation, the next one you may be a bit less apprehensive to tackle.

Think of it this way, a diamond and coal are essentially the same in chemical properties right? But the diamond is viewed as the most precious of stones used in jewelry, especially for a wedding band, so a big symbol, but it's also used to channel light into a laser beam, in fact its the only stone hard enough and strong enough internally to be used this way, all the others are inferior. So what's the different between it and coal? I huge amount of pressure is applied, yes pressure. The earth squeezes the hell out of the carbon compound until it pressurizes, its atoms actually come closer together and turn it into this harder than rock substance.

So if you think of yourself in these terms, would you rather be a piece of coal, or a diamond?

The transformation of yourself into a better version of yourself is always a noble goal and something I think we should all be being trained to do in life, not just in yoga practice, but to create that state of being known as yoga (union).

So if you're feeling pressure, lean into it, think of the outcome. Don't run away from it, then you'll just be the same person and will still draw more of that same situation to yourself until you actually do it. A teacher said to me when I first started this trip to becoming a more conscious being, "at first you'll get a tap on the shoulder, then when that goes unattended you'll get both shoulders grabbed and a good shake given to you, then when you don't respond to that you'll trip in the street and hit your head on the concrete, then when you still don't notice or do anything about it maybe you'll have a serious car wreck... Now this may sound extreme, but we're meant to grow, to expand and to transform ourselves. We are all caterpillars waiting to become butterflies and the universe won't stop knocking on your door until you answer it. Would you rather answer that tap on the shoulder? or once you're lying in the hospital recovering from that huge car accident where you broke some limbs, that's up to you, but me I feel every tap these days and say, oh what's that about?"

I love that, and its stayed with me all these almost 16 years I've been practicing and the many more years that I was wondering about the deeper things in life before finally taking a step toward them instead of away from them.

Deepening...

I haven't written much lately and the truth is it's because I've been having great conversations lately that have left me fulfilled and I haven't felt the need for release as I often do when writing a blog. Not that I want to vent here, it's not at all what I'm trying to do, but I usually have something to say and the only thing is that it's like giving birth, or releasing something into the world for better or worse.

Lately everything has been shifting. I've been feeling it, in my body, in my mind, in my practice, in my interactions with others and in observation of others and their behaviour towards one another and me. So I open Facebook as I was sitting at my favorite vegan place drinking a coconut water and eating a truffle and someone I met in Mysore last season had written a blog about how everything is shifting and she's feeling it in her practice, mostly in kapotasana using that posture in particular as the crux of the point she was wanting to express, but as I was reading it I also realized that I was having this happen and it was manifesting in my practice.

About a month ago I was in Chicago with four of my students to see David Robson, known in the Ashtanga world as the Learn to Float guy or also the guy with the largest Mysore program, outside of Mysore, on the planet. During the led primary class he kept saying suck your belly back but then would also cue to lengthen the chest or sternum forward also extending the chin to as to gaze at the toes. All of this I've heard before, from my original teacher Nancy Gilgoff, from Kino and a few others. But this time it stuck and made sense and has deepened my experience of forward bending since then. Then it dawned on my that I was in Mysore this last trip and during back bending Youngblood Roche, who was assisting Sharath, kept having me do this same motion which feels to me like its extending from my mid/lower thoracic region of my spine up through my sternum, thereby opening up my chest and my upper spine, then also allowing my shoulders to plug in just right to my back muscles and making standing up and dropping back much more "easy" if there is such a thing. But the aha moment was that it was the same action, just manifested in a different posture, but the connection really opened me up, opened up my mind to a lot of possibility and from that all is shifting.

Noticing these things within the microcosm of my body via my practice has also made me notice how these things are manifesting in the macrocosm of my life. I often think of the time on the mat as my precursor to how my day is going to go and I can make choices as to how to act or react to things, to breathe deeper into them to expand them and let them grow, or even to let them go and feel that surrender and release within my practice, also within my life. So, these deepenings are also showing up in my conversations, as I said earlier, the connections lately have been profound and very deep, whether laughing, crying, or talking philosophy and getting so excited the hairs on my body stand up, those times are times connecting with other people, and thereby deepening our connection to ourselves. I subscribe to the idea that everyone in our life is mirroring an aspect of ourselves back to us allowing us see where we are, and the studies I've done in the Law of Attraction have only proven this to be true.

Mine however as my friends article focused much on a particular posture, has not focused on any one posture in my practice. It's just been overall more deep, another deepening, yes. Having this opening in my spine and in my chest often makes way for big openings on the energetic level, and these areas are the third and fourth chakras, so areas that are often full of blockages for most people so that means the energy may finally be moving in this area for me, which is commonly in yogic terms, or in fluffy modern day yogic terms anyway, known as a "heart opening." I've been very easy to cry, very easy to feel happy and laugh hysterically, very easy to get excited and feel the energy stand my hairs up, but not necessarily so easy to get sad, but very easy to get anxious at times (as in the case of applying to study with Sharath in Mysore again and not finding out whilst all my friends were getting confirmation, then finding housing and then buying the plane ticket, now they are finished and I'm much more calm lol). But mostly its about the feeling and being with it, and then the ease of letting it go, still observing that it's there but not being of it, letting it rule my mind for the rest of the day.

It's also manifesting as an opening in my practice, I'm finding it easier to get up and begin it and maintain the focus throughout it, but also the twists are deeper, the breath is fuller, the backbends are deeper, the shoulders more open, the floating lighter and more controlled and yet free at the same time, the forward bends much more sustainable than they ever used to feel. Just all around, it seems "easier" which I've put in quotes because I don't want to jinx myself and wake up tomorrow to the hardest practice I've ever encountered!

All in all this deepening of life is a good thing, so I embrace it and while things will continue to change and may not be so "easy" as they seem to be right now, I know I'll be able to make it through any and all of it, probably due to my practice. My time on my mat is like a science experiment, a sort of litmus test, to see how I'm going to choose to make it through my day and so I hope to always choose what would seem to be the "right" way of approaching any situation, but I know I won't always choose that way. I like challenges a little bit too much hahaha! But within these challenges I'll still be steadfast and solid in knowing that it's just another part of my path unfolding...

Rebellion...

So I just read a friend of mine's blog he wrote about how spiritual seeker are the ultimate rebels. I'd never thought of it like that but then I started thinking, I ate dinner, I showered, I meditated and then I sat down to write this.

I've never felt like I fit in anywhere, when I was young the only thing I knew was school, church and playing in the neighborhood. That may be simplifying it a bit, but that's okay for the purposes here.

I always thought there was something more, I was never satisfied with what was. Now as someone who practices yoga and hears be present more often than not that sounds like a sacrilege but it's not really, I've written much about my studies with my teacher and with Abraham who say to make peace with what is but to ever be moving forward, so won't go into that more here. I was searching, seeking and innately knew that there was more than what I was being taught, in school, in church, in the neighborhood. I always wanted to travel different places and often did in my mind. I even now know that that was why I read comics so much, because there were grander realities than what I was experiencing and through these stories I grew up with I could experience such things.

I'd read the Avengers of which Thor was a member, so when I found out he had his own comic I started reading it. It was interesting to me that he was a god and a god of what? Of Thunder? What does that mean?!? I'd only ever heard of this God we had been taught about in the church, from the bible and so started my slow realization that mine was not the only religion on the planet and most of them were thousands of years older than mine. So through his comic and his exploits in Asgard and the Nine Realms I found a comic called Valkyrie, whom was also of this Norse universe and kept that magical idea that there was more going within my young heart and mind. Then in 1980 was it, or 81 maybe, the original Clash of the Titans came out and what?!? There are even more religions that believe in multiple "gods" but these are different gods, not the Norse ones I'd been reading about, they are Greek ones? So I began an in depth study of Greek mythology and found it rich and crazy and wonderful and fulfilling.

So then I happened to see Terms of Endearment starring Shirley Maclaine, who also won the Oscar for her performance and endeared me to her because it was the first movie that pulled emotion from me. I cried and I'd never done that before. That was in 1983 I believe, but forward to 1986 and she was in a 4 night mini series on tv called Out On A Limb, based on one of her books. I was still endeared to her so watched it. And what was there, was even more belief in things other than what I'd been taught. Channeling, aliens, spirituality as its own path, many things. My brain was bursting from this, so I went and bought the book and read it. I was 16 but in 4th grade had been tested and was already reading collegiate level so had no problem with books heavy with this type of info in them.

So yes, I was rebelling against that. Not to prove it wrong but to enforce within myself that there were other options and I was going to keep going until I found the things that made more sense to me to follow than the things that I was following.

When I got out of school I moved to St. Louis, another form of rebellion since not many from that area ever leave it and for gods sake I'm still only 45 minutes from there, it's not like I went across the country. But damn it, I wanted to, but I was still chicken to do so. So this move was the next best thing. I met all kinds of folks that didn't fit the mold I'd grown up thinking was the only option to fit into, even became a wiccan for a while which kind of spun off of the Norse teachings that I'd read about way back when, so in some ways I was coming full circle, but then as I move forward in life find that there are even more circles to be drawn, not just one!

When I found Ashtanga Yoga 12 years after moving out I knew I'd found the ultimate tool to keep searching, expanding and growing and yes, even rebelling. Not many people here even practice it and at that time there were even less, so loving it in and of itself its a rebellion! It's taught me many things and though I've detoured away from it I came back to it again and embraced it even more so and it's now taken me to the other side of the planet to study it traditionally, and from that tradition I find more and more freedom to question and search for the truth that lives within me at that moment.

Now to tackle the big one, moving away from here. I'm not sure if that will happen, I am happy here, I have great students, great friends, my family is close. I've been teaching here for 13 years so am somewhat established with that, not really, but again, that's another tale. The point being I love it here, but I crave the ocean and I crave the mountains, and I think it's in my cards to live other places in this life. Not sure how long, or where, or when, but at some point this could become a reality for me and I embrace that.

Now the rebel in me opens up his arms and embraces the changes that come, there may be still short times of closing up and not letting in the new things, but they start to destroy you if you don't open up and allow them in, and I'm not ready to be destroyed just yet.

I'm still enjoying being the one who doesn't follow all the rules and who inspires others to not follow them as well. Not to chuck the rules, but to question them and to embrace the idea that there may be a different way to do a thing, not just the one way you knew about. Stir things up within yourself and see what that brings up, new ideas may come to you or a different way to embrace an old one.

In conference with Sharath last season in Mysore he was asked what were his favorite texts to read, meaning Hindu or Yogic scriptures, and he said "the text of you! I am interested to know what you have locked up inside of you, and you should be be too. So do your practice and dig into yourself, see what new ideas and new insight comes from within and stop looking without. All who wrote those texts wrote them from an insight they received from within themselves, from their atman (the god that lives inside you), so go and write your own story!"

I paraphrased that with my own language, but I still love the idea. I am my own book of knowledge, or as one of Shirley Maclaine's teachers had her yelling on the beach in Out On A Limb, much to her dismay at first, "I AM GOD!"

What a powerful belief to have, we are our own little corner of god and no one can take that away from us. Talk about being a rebel, believe in that and see what changes in your life!

Third trip to India

Well, on Friday I will apply to go to Mysore again and further studies with Sharath, more chanting lessons with Ranjini and/or Jayashree, and many other experiences. I am not anxious about it, I feel it will happen, but have chatted with many of my friends from around the globe who are anxious and excited and ready to register already. I am that, I am ready. I love it there and have written about it many, many times, so won't bore you again with that.

The thing that is concerning me is that this year I may not be able to afford the trip. The first trip I took I did a gofundme and made enough to cover the expenses and have a bit for my return home, it worked out well. Last year when I went I went earlier, directly after the summer where I make donations for a large park class I teach and I was on staff for a local teacher training which I had many hours in and so made enough to do the trip on my own and I stayed longer. I ended up having some money stolen and some ripped $100 bills, which are a big no no over there when trying to exchange it, so fell short on cash but had friends and family back home who helped me out with sending funds which was a godsend and I deeply appreciated it.

Upon my return home I quit teaching everywhere I had been teaching and threw all in with a new studio a friend was opening, for fresh blood so to speak. But more so because I wanted to set up a Mysore program and teach this Ashtanga Yoga that I love so much in the traditional way and give it my all. So I am making less money than usual, but have a great core group of individuals who are coming daily and am much more fulfilled by my teaching these days. But also, since I left the studio I was on staff leading the teacher training for I was not allowed to teach that again this year, which was a bigger blow to my income and to the money I could put aside for my impending trip to Mysore this fall, but also the donations at the park have been less than they have in over 5 years this summer, likely due to the state of the economy in St. Louis these days.

Don't get me wrong, I can still eat, pay rent and such so far and this is not a whining about the state of my life post by any means. My life is well and I have no complaints. I'm renting a lovely house, I have some great students and am building a great community with them outside the Mysore room as much as inside it, I'm even seeing someone which I never thought I'd want again but am enjoying it.

But I've come to realize this trip could possibly be a big trip for me and it is important for my growth in my asana practice, more importantly for my spiritual growth, and what I get from my trips I bring back home to my students and eventually hope to start sharing in workshops more and more and not just in St. Louis, but maybe could travel and teach a bit here and there in addition to maintaining the home Mysore program.

So, I have a question. If I were to set up a gofundme account again to help differ the expenses for this upcoming trip how would you feel about it? I'm considering it and almost might not have a choice in the matter if I want to go.

Thank you for reading!

Lately...

New moon

No class today, no practice either, in honor of the new moon which is something we do in the Ashtanga Yoga tradition. I still meditated, did pranayama and chanted my usual morning mantras and the sutras in the afternoon, but no asanas this morning. So because of that and not having to teach I stayed up later last night and then when I awoke this morning I lie in bed much longer than I ever normally would be able to. It was blissful and for these moon days that fall in the middle of the week I am forever thankful!

Now, there is a lot of hoopla going on within the online communities of the Ashtanga method since Sharath changed the rules and said that anyone coming there has to have practiced with an authorized or certified teacher of this system for at least two months prior to being accepted into his classes, and that they also took off the option for you to choose to study with him or with his mother on the online registration form.

There are many differing opinions about this and many of the ones saying the most have not even been to Mysore nor seem to want to go, so I'm not so sure why they would be in such an uproar, and many are also those who are naysayers of Sharath and have been ever since he took over the title of lineage holder from his grandfather. First off, he was the next in line for it and could have refused it, but it was not his choice to be next in line. He did close the shala for some months after Gurujis passing using the time to decide if he wanted to open it up again, and he chose to do so.

I was at first viewing of Mysore Magic (a movie made by students who regularly go to Mysore about going there and interviewing many of those where were there and have been going for some years) a bit upset because he had taken over and was thinking, no, Guruji was the guru, not him. And then I kept practicing and it became clear to me that he was the one to take over, Guruji wanted it, and had worked with him daily for some years to groom him to be the next in line, his mother even encouraged him to work with Guruji. And he fell in love with it.

Then I realized that if I was going to continue to be serious with this practice since coming back to it in 2012, that I'd have to go over there, there was no other way and when I met Sharath and heard him speak in conference with such passion and love for the system, and for the students and for the teachers whom he and Guruji had authorized to teach it I knew he was my teacher and fully accepted him into my heart.

So he's practicing and gleaning insights from this, this is what we all want to happen correct? And then he's sharing these insights with us weekly in conference and trying to keep the system as pure as possible in the wake of astounding numbers of people trying to come over there now, numbers triple or more of what was coming when Guruji was alive, so the decisions he's making seem to be upsetting to some, but it also seems like he's supporting his teachers with this latest one by requiring newbies to have studied with them first and that is great.

I'm excited to go back this fall and to see him and to work through this system once again in it's place of origin, and to be with all those I know from around the world and the locals that I've grown to love and appreciate as friends and family. I'm excited that this continued on after Pattabhi's death and I got the chance to go, because when I was originally going to go I was too chicken and never did it back in 2001 and after.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, just laying out some thoughts so that I don't have them polluting my mind anymore really. So, talk to you again soon!

Marriage

So, those who know me well know I'm probably just not the marrying type. I've also because of this never thought of the fact that gay couples not being able to marry was an issue. It seriously never entered my mind, until recently, and then I thought god, most couples I know aren't together very long at all and so if it does become legal we (the gays and lesbians of the land) will just jump start the economy with divorces!

I'm not one to give anyone relationship advice. I've dated many people, god knows I've had sex with more people than one human every should, but I've really only had one "real" relationship and we lived together for almost two years and talked about getting married, even looked at rings, but were doing it before our friends and family as a record of our love not concerning ourselves with the legality of it, but then we broke up and had sex for another 8 years until I legally changed my name when I became Sikh, that was too much for him and he cut me off, which was fine because it wasn't something he had any say in and for it to bother him more than it bothered my own mother, well that was just silly. I also dated or lived with a few couples, even dated a triple and had much more success with those although they were short term. I think it was because all the focus was not on me, it was split up and so it was always less intense to me than just a one on one relationship.

So at one point I wrote them off. I just said fuck it, I don't need anyone else. In yoga the idea of equanimity factors greatly. Meaning to me that no matter what state you're in, or rather what you are besieged with in life, you can be okay. It's all in the mind anyway, so we can control that and choose to feel okay. So I decided I would always be okay, I have my yoga practice; asanas, pranayama, meditation and chanting, to help me cultivate fulfillment in my life and so if I never had a boyfriend or lover again I'd be just fine, and for the most part that has been the case.

Then this morning when I started seeing all the announcements on Facebook about the Supreme Court passing the law that all couples can now marry I was at first unsure of what I was feeling, then it started to formulate into a feeling of being more whole. Of course, I've always been a whole person, but for it to be legal now for me to marry another man which was something I thought I'd never want, to now be a possibility... it just made my heart sing a little bit. I was very surprised that it made me feel this way. But I guess we, meaning all humans, have become so used to the restrictions put on us as a species by our own kind that it doesn't even register that we are repressed, and so when just a layer, albeit a very thin layer (yes, there is still much work to be done for all of us humans to truly be equal to one another in each others eyes), is removed it can feel so interesting that it doesn't even register what that feeling is. But as I passed through my day it dawned on me that I feel just a tiny bit less repressed than I did yesterday, an interesting thing for sure.

I read a meme online one day that made fun of humans for being the only species on this planet that has to pay to live on it and that said a lot to me. It was meant to be funny, probably ironic and yet it is also the truth. We enslave all sorts of animals in order to do our bidding so we can make money off of them, not paying them anything for it, and hell we enslave each other and yes, slavery does still exist on this planet as does repression of the sexes, sexual orientations and races and much than we even know I'm sure. We also enslave them to live with us, keep us company, have trained them to be with us for so long that I doubt they could ever survive in the wild again. And we have kind of done this to each other with the dependency on corporate America for almost everything we use daily. Lost my track on this paragraph, but the point is, that just now for one day, many of us feel just a tiny bit more free.

And that's a good feeling...

How do you feel?

I myself have not been feeling so good lately. Not feeling badly either, just neutral. Neutral is like death, there is no energy pulling through you at all and in order to have that you must feel inspired, excited, drawn to do something.

But for months now, since I had to move shortly after arriving home from India probably, I've felt neutral. I love teaching Ashtanga and am doing it in the way that I love to teach it and there are many who are enjoying that along with me, even though it is much more intense than they knew it would be. So that part of my life is fulfilling, but for some time now I've felt there is more. More what I don't know. But I had a glimpse of it this past Saturday and a few other times but this time I recognized it for what it was.

I taught the park class in the morning and many loved it and it clicked with them, so I heard that a lot which is great. I spent time with some interesting and new people to me who were putting new thoughts in my head about life and how it's to be lived and the adventure that it can be. Then I taught a workshop that was well received and the students who took it seemed to get what I was teaching and are now able to apply these things to their practice. Then the next day I realized, after spending another day teaching Mysore and chanting, but also spending a lot of it with my students, that this type of connection was what I'm looking for on a bigger scale. Not saying I want hundreds of followers, but saying like minded individuals that can support and care for one another as we move through this practice and how it affects our lives, because no one else really gets it the way that we do, well because they aren't doing this practice.

That led me to think of the many people I've met in Mysore and how close I feel to them even though I don't see them daily or speak to them all that much, so I sent a few messages and chatted with a few people. Then today we found out that Sharath is going to open this season and the date, and when we'll need to apply to get in and so much excitement came over me that my morning practice almost cruised by and seemed simple and easy, then later in the day all the messages I received made me feel even more excited because this group is also excited and this means we will all get to be with one another again and in only 5 months, if we all get in.

So, I know Abraham says you should be able to maintain this kind of feeling all the time without external circumstances being the cause of it but that we've all been trained to look to the external to keep us feeling good, so it's a new training we have to do with ourselves to get to the place that it's possible. I say that it is possible because I've been there much of the time in my life recently. Ok because I chose to be, feeling good because I chose the thoughts that led me there and didn't allow the ones that typically drag me down to do so. But sometimes, just sometimes that community spirit is alright too I think. If you can't do it on your own utilizing those who are like you and know your inner strength to help lift your spirits is just okay too. Not that Abraham would disagree but they just encourage us to be self sufficient and strong. I'm happy I've found their teachings for sure, it's changed my life, but I'm also happy that I've found a great group of people in my life, both locally and worldwide that can inspire me and help me stay higher up in my vibration.

So, I'm feeling pretty good today. Teaching this morning a great group was inspiring and helped me stay there and I chatted with a few of those great friends during the day today and I just finished a really great show on Netflix, so moving from inside to out in the feeling good arena is a pretty great and I'm glad I'm able to access that, but also when your inner being isn't feeling so amazing, using the outside to stimulate better feeling thoughts that lead to better feeling emotions that lead you to generally feeling good is okay as well.

So, how are you feeling? Can you make a choice to feel better and follow through with it? No? Then wanna hang out? Maybe I can help...

Asana

There's a lot of debate in the "yoga" world lately about asana. Mostly around all the Instagram posts of everyone and their brother posting photos of themselves in asanas, hard ones, easier ones, many upon many handstands. All of which seems to many that it demeans the yoga practice down to a set of asanas, rather than the deeper teachings that are there and meant to be behind the practice of moving through postures and and breathing.

Personally I had heard of yoga in the 80's while watching That's Incredible. They would occasionally have a skinny, little Indian man curl himself up and get into a clear box so we could see him and be amazed that he stayed in there in an extremely awkward position for the entire show and so my interest had been peaked in my teens. But upon actually beginning to practice in late 1999 and early 2000 I quickly realized there was much more to it than just moving the body and trying to breathe while I did so, that in doing this there was energy awakened and awareness coming about every aspect of myself including my thought patterns and noticing which things were serving me still and which no longer were serving me. So to understand what was going on a bit more I bought some books and read the philosophy behind the yoga practices I was doing.

I still don't think I got it for many, many years. I was practicing they physical discipline of Ashtanga Yoga for 8 years before I decided to leave it for another physical discipline in the Hatha Yoga lineage, but also I took up Kundalini Yoga, which used physical means to achieve energetic goals, but this time I could feel the energy move and clear out areas of my body, physically and subtly. So when I came back to Ashtanga Yoga as a physical discipline almost 4 years later I was able to feel and get the same results but was also feeling my body come back into a better physical state as well.

Now I've traveled to Mysore, India to study with the current lineage holder of this practice and in doing so I encountered Indians in their own culture for the first time, and the one thing I can say about them that's affected me more than even the asana practice I experienced over there is the level of faith they have. They just surrender to the now all day, every day. Where we Westerners seem to always be struggling to find happiness or something more in life, they are content with the way things are and move through life with much less worry and anxiety. Life is accepted the way it is, they are happy no matter what's thrown at them it seems. So this affected me and made me take to the yoga differently than I would when I was at home, with much more surrender and contentment in where I was, not looking to where I was going all the time. Once you find peace where you are, you open up the door to where you're wanting to go anyway in my opinion.

The Ashtanga Yoga practice of asanas is very intense, there is a certain breath for each movement to be followed, there is a certain place to gaze with your eyes as you move through each posture, there is even a set sequence of postures to follow, one harder than the last, not to be changed. But the approach to these things can be different. I used to push and in the pushing would harm myself. Now I surrender and its still hard but in the surrender I'm finding peace and within that peace is the deepest connection I could ask for. So now after my asana practice, and sometimes during, I'm finding myself in a still place. I've seen it called the still point or zero point, in Sanskrit it's called Shuniya which is the experience of absolute stillness within and without. It is the oneness with all things, it is the zeroing out of anything that keeps you from experiencing your divinity. And lately after practice I've been able to reach this place, this deep inner space that I can observe everything going on and feel not of it, but still be in it and not apart from it.

It's a good place to be. You feel happier when you're there, less easily agitated over small things, more calm and decisions are easier to make and thinking becomes more clear and open, less judgmental. I can also more quickly notice when I'm not there and that is a good thing too.

So, asana to me is a part of my sadhana (daily practices that lead to connecting spiritually, to yourself and to others). I know there are many in the East who poopoo asana saying we don't need it, we should just be able to sit and achieve this state of being, and maybe as I get older and move through more and more asana practices I will need it less or eventually not at all, but practicing for me is healing my nervous system so less worry and anxiety is there throughout my day. It's a burning off of the rough edges that are still held over from my previous life of drinking too much and worrying about everything. I do think people can have fun with them and use them for things other than connection, that's not really why I use them but many do and post about it on Instagram lol, btw I'm not on Instragram so only see posts as they also post onto Facebook. I do have a few friends in the Ashtanga community who post on there incessantly bit many of them type very strong and encouraging words about an aspect of yoga that has been cultivated through their asana practice, so that I don't mind and the others I try not to mind as well. It's all yoga and it's all affecting people where they are and where they are is most likely not where I am and so it's good just as well.

Hope that wasn't too much rambling, have a great day, feeling love and sending it your way!

Random thoughts...

Now, I don't believe anything is random really so I guess I named this entry that because there are many things going through my head right now and I'm planning on touching on some of them randomly, depending on what comes up while I'm typing. I tend to write things stream of consciousness-wise anyway but it's been quite a while since I wrote and have been having trouble each time I sit down to type the past two weeks or so, so we'll see what comes out.

The other day I read an article about the "Three things that deepen your yoga practice" or some such a title, which got me excited because a friend of mine and I have been having many discussions, actually a couple friends and I (you both know who you are), about the silliness going around within yoga these days some of it involving Instagram, some not. And so this article seemed like something I would enjoy reading. I open it up and its talking about Tapas, Svadhyaya and Ishwarapranidana and if you read the sutras or as I'm doing almost daily (to keep up with my homework from Ranjini in Mysore I'm chanting the first two padas of the yoga sutras and a few other scriptures and mantras most days)chanting the sutras you know that the first sutra of the second pada is tapahsvadhyayaishwarapranidanani kriyayogah, which translates that tapas, svadhyaya and ishwarapranidana together form kriya yoga, or the yoga of action. But the article disappointed me in that it only took each of the qualities at their physical level and went no further. In its defense that is probably where most people are and so it touched on things most people could relate too and therefor probably received more shares on Facebook. But I think to its detriment it did this. Since most people may come to their asana practice as only a physical event maybe if it had went deeper it would have brought the idea to more people that the asana practice is so much more than just a physical thing happening, of course it is a physical thing but it can be so much more, if one has the awareness of that introduced to them.

Tapas can be only the physical workout that the asanas provide, but tapas, which roughly translates as "to burn" really means igniting the fire of transformation, or agni in Vedic Sanskrit, which is located around the navel center or solar plexus in the subtle body and can also apply to the digestive process in the physical body. So when you're doing the asana practice if you're thinking of it as detoxification of the physical being, that's taking it a step further, or as igniting that fire within that can burn away the layers of "you" that really aren't you and begin a transformation from the inside out. Now that is something I can and do put myself into daily, transformation, sure of body, but more so of mind and spirit using the body to facilitate aspects of that change.

Svadhyaya is self study, which this article touted as listening to yourself, or getting to know yourself on a physical level. Hearing when the body is at its edge and so forth, which is a really good thing so I'm not disputing that. But also there are deeper levels one can take this idea to. My teacher Sharath says one aspect of svadhyaya is when your teacher mentions something but doesn't really expound upon it, it's your job as a good shishya or student/disciple to go and research that thing so you know what he's talking about for future reference, so literally studying things yourself. But I like the thought of it best as being that deeper level of awareness one can achieve through the asana practice, through pranayama and meditation too, also through observation of the emotions as they arise, paying attention to sensations in the body as it comes up, but most of all noticing how you feel while you're thinking of different things. If you can tell how a thought makes you feel then you'll know when to start to change your thoughts processes to move in a different direction when you're heading down a negative path in your mind.

Ishwarapranidana is surrender to god, or if you're like me and believe that god or the energy of the divine is all that there is in this realm then just surrender, because anytime you do you are surrendering to god, or allowing the universe, or source, or the bigger picture, to take the reigns and when you do that you're allowing things to move in their natural flow and slowly teaching yourself how to let go and go with that. I've written a lot about surrender on this blog, especially in my time in Mysore this past trip so I'm not going to type too much more here on that. But suffice it to say, this one could be considered the most important, for when we're allowing or surrendering we are not identifying with our resistance within and therefor are letting the natural flow of life happen as it should and would work if we weren't always interjecting blocks in its way with the stories in our mind.

So, all that being said, today I didn't do to much in the way of these three lol, I actually slept in later than normal with the intention of practicing after I got up and before I headed out. But last weekend I had practiced on Saturday and so yesterday, Thursday, was my sixth day of practice in a row already and i just couldn't do it, so I just did pranayama and chanted and sat for a bit. Which all felt nice, it's also my one day off of the week so I had plans to see the new Mad Max film and had tickets already to boot, so taking the morning of the asana part of my practice was nice. Tomorrow is the typical day off and Sunday is a new moon, so another day off and yes that means I would've have two days off in a row but I'm okay getting up an practicing tomorrow and then taking Sunday off as well, that will feel good.

I did see the new Mad Max and it was phenomenal, lots of action but with so much heart, I loved it. Then I got out, went and got a smoothie, looked at times and went and saw the new Pitch Perfect film, which didn't hold a candle the the first installment. The singing sequences were great but otherwise it was jumbled and didn't flow well, so you could like it or not depending on what you're looking for.

Also this week I've been thinking of Mysore sooooo much and it seems from the posts I'm seeing on Facebook that many who also go over there yearly are as well, so I'm not alone. I've been dreaming of it and thinking of periodically throughout the day each day and that's making being here hard but oh well, I'm here and need to surrender to that (see above).

Maybe these thoughts weren't so random after all, they actually seem coherent when I scroll back up and look around too. That's great! lol

I hope they've made you think a little bit and if they didn't, that's okay too. I can't affect everyone and the writing is really cathartic for me so I'll be doing it whether it clicks with you or not!

Enjoy your weekend, see you soon, maybe if the rain holds off I'll even see you in the morning at the Tower Grove Farmers Market class I'll be teaching!

Namaste