Thank you all for the comments on my last post, I appreciate them and your insight and support. I have been with this practice, well for 8 years and then when I came back to it for 4 again, so I know its an ebb and flow and I have grown pretty good at riding the waves of it. I also find that writing about my thought processes I'm currently going through helps me to work through the issues coming up, so that's what you're seeing here. Doesn't mean I'm giving up, just means I'm moving through the cracks, finding my way to the other side. Again, thank you, love you all.
Today was a new moon, which in this tradition means a day off the asana aspect of practice. Which also very often to me means a day other aspects of the practice come up. Sharath in conference this morning, yes we had conference on our day off, talked about working with yourself first instead of reading texts. Paying attention where you're working with the yamas or niyamas throughout your day and how you can work with them more clearly, which one is needed and in what dose in a certain situation, where to pull back, where to move forward. These of course are my words and how I'd say them, but I got the point. I'm sure that I have them in my mind at different times, but what I took away from what he talked about this morning was a new level of awareness that's needed.
I'm aware of how I carry my body in space, I'm aware of every aspect of myself physically, I'm also very often aware of how I'm feeling in my mind, but I may not be aware of if my thinking takes me down a path that isn't so ahimsic, or where I'm allowing my contentment to wane in a certain situation or other.
I also know that awareness only deepens. When I was younger I drank a lot and did a lot of drugs in order to dull my awareness, because it seemed I only noticed when I was in a negative situation or thought pattern and never took the time to appreciate when I was feeling great and milking that experience for all it was worth. I think if we can get to the point that we do that, then we're living the example for others that we need to be.
At home I seem to be pretty good at noticing that, but here I feel the energy is much more intense and so it overwhelms me more often which leaves me reacting and staying in my room longer. But now its time for me to step back up to that place I can often hold myself at home. As of right now this place is my home for a mother few months and its time to treat it as such...
On the moon day's eve we often have a gathering or many different gatherings to choose from and last night was no exception. We had a kirtan hosted at a beloved breakfast place we all go to (great owners) that has been revamped and turned out to be a great place to have a big group of us together, I even almost danced, a little bit hahaha... But being around a large group all at once where you can socialize a bit if you want or not if you don't want is a great thing and rare in this world, it might only happen here.
Today and really this whole week, has been very relaxing and low energy so its been nice. But now I need to start figuring out what I'm going to do with myself. I am scheduled for three months with Sharath and then was planning on going north to travel around with a friend, who ended up having to go home unexpectedly. Which isn't a big deal, traveling alone doesn't scare me. But money is running a bit tight and I need to figure out if staying here and just practicing at home that extra month will be cheaper and more sustainable, then I can travel next time or just make a trip here to be in the north, hmmmm, there's a thought. Not whining just thinking out loud, or rather thinking through my fingers since I'm typing!
It will all work out the way its supposed to and I'm embracing that with open arms, it's surgery month after all. Things never stay still when they are being worked on and this month has definitely been bringing my stuff to the surface and requiring me to do the deeper work, which is why I'm here, right?
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