Trust...

Trust, surrender, let go... These are all things you hear all the time here in Mysore and concepts we are constantly talking about while we're having our meals. They are also the scariest things on the planet especially when you were raised to grab a hold of something and not ever let go of it.

Saturday during led class, which I'm notorious for not liking because they move too fast for my back and it can get locked up, my back found a new glitch. Not really new I guess, its been there but when I'm practicing at my own pace I can work with it and through it and it will be gone by the time I'm finished and if not I have a couple stretches I can do that will help work it out. So because of this I was contemplating not going to led this morning so that it could get worked through, I did however set my alarm to get up early for led class just in case, then when it went off and I rolled over and felt the catch I decided to sleep a bit longer and then practice at home.

Which did not happen, so I decided to surrender and not worry about it, I have 5 more days of practicing after this anyway for the week so I'll work it out. But that mind set of pushing and doing is a hard one to overcome. So then folks say just surrender to it, it'll be okay.

Well, what does that mean? I know what it means I think but why is some days its so hard to do and others its the easiest thing?!?

I've really worked this trip to just allow and surrender to the fact that this practice is very physical and not concern myself with the physical part of it, but to move through it with devotion, following my breath and lifting my bandhas and for the most part it has been working. Then I miss a day and judge myself and am not observing ahimsa in my thoughts, so then I think let go, its okay, everything is the way its meant to be and many days that works, then others it does not.

Not that I'm saying I'm having a judgmental day today, but that I'm having a day of questioning I guess. Why is it so hard some days and some days so easy?

That's life right? We never know and the skills we're learning by studying the sutras and practicing the asanas and vinyasa are meant to be used in those days its not so easy and on the days it is pretty easy, to just ride that wave. Both are okay, even though they don't seem to be at the time. In afterthought we realize this. Maybe. Some days... LOL.

So I'm here, I'm trusting that this system works and that its okay when I have days that I find it not so easy to trust, I'm still trusting. Surrendering to the process, letting go and not concerning myself with it. Much easier to do here than at home. But maybe I need to quit thinking that way. I'm feeling this place is my home, at least for right now it is, so I'll say that it is easy here at home and when I get to my next place I'll feel at home there and it will also be easy as well, even if that place is still in India.

Yes, that means that I'm thinking about living here for a bit of time. Not sure when but I am sure that I want it to happen...

This goes back to my last post I think, this is like Jedi training. It can't be easy, but then when it has its moments of ease you can appreciate it all the more and eventually, maybe, it will feel like there's ease more often. Just maybe, I hope...