Sadhu...

A sadhu is a holy man in India. They often drop out of society and live on the fringe with little food, little clothing and little else. There are organizations of sadhus as well and you can drop in to one of them if you're so inclined. I have no idea if its that easy, but after having read Autobiography of a Sahdu about a Western man who joined one I don't really think it's so easy to fit into one. It kind of has to have been your calling as a young boy.

When I was a young boy I was being raised Christian, and I never identified with being someone who worshipped Jesus as the Christ. I identified with being him, or like him. I always wanted to just go off and do whatever it was he was doing. Of course not realizing how hard of a life it was being out in nowhere with nothing.

But then life happened and I did the things I was supposed to do, I got a job, I worked 40 or more hours per week, had vacation days, got drunk a lot to deal with the lack of a real life or fulfilment of purpose in that life, etc, etc, etc. I've written about all that stuff too many times, no need to get into it again.

When I came to yoga that longing to be that man who dropped out of society resurfaced though and I in my studies of all things India found out that at one point in time they actually revered the men and few women who were drawn to this path. And even now while the parents may throw a fit when their child is drawn to this path, once they are on it and are wearing the ochre coloured robes, people in general will bow, touch their feet and venerate them because they are taking the holy path in becoming a renunciate.

I've lived in society for a long time, 47 years now, and I've realized that I love teaching yoga and will do that but now I'm in India and at a point where my finances are very low and my mind is trying to think of things to do to bring in some income.

I am in the town where my teacher resides so I'm not supposed to open a shala here, but teaching is what I want to do and many locals know that my teacher gave me the authority to teach, so have been asking me to teach them. So I am teaching a couple of them individually just for donations and it's very fulfilling. But again my mind keeps wanting to get involved and tell me I need to work and make more money than that. But I'm okay for now I tell it and kind of dismiss it, it goes away, but then it comes back with a vengeance later. My shoulders and neck are even aching from thinking and scrunching up this muscles too much. Not something I'm used to doing, I'm usually very good at having faith and trusting and then I'm fine and all things work out the way they are supposed to.

Then the idea of being a sadhu comes back into my consciousness. So I'm thinking, hmmm, if I just drop out of society I cannot have to worry about having a place to stay, or needing money to buy dinner, or blah, blah, blah. I've also read a few books recently of holy men, sadhus or aghoris who stay in society and pay bills and live like a "normal" person but secretly have this deep inner life, and I like the idea of that too.

There is a even a German guy in Rishikesh who just threw his passport into the Ganga and donned ochre robes and lives as a sadhu, he gets food daily from a local ashram or donations from those who see him and venerate the lifestyle he is living. And he avoids talking when police are around so they don't check into him and find out he shouldn't still be in India. Which sounds kind of gangster and inspires me too, hahahaha, I've always been a button pusher and someone who doesn't like to follow the rules that have been lain down by some ambiguous authority that none of us knows or understands, but probably that would not be the choice I would make.

In face the closest thing I found that I agree with and could likely be a part of is that Anandamayi Ma ashram in Uttarkashi which housed the Kali temple I loved there so much. That place and those swamis and their approach to life and the way they lived inside the ashram would be somewhere I could live and agree with for sure, but when I check I find out to join you go to the Haridwar branch and start by serving there, and Uttarkashi is the only place I think I'd be happy. So maybe that means I am not really wanting to be a renunciate.

If you're ready to be a renunciate, at least in my idea of things, wherever you were and whatever tasks you're assigned wouldn't matter to you. You'd be happy just doing anything and being anywhere because you've found this blissful state that persists no matter the situation, true equanimity which is my goal in yoga but apparently I'm no closer to than I was many years ago!

So I stay on this path, and all of it is my path. Wherever it leads me I've not gotten on my path, I can't, it's my path and so will always be the right way. Get broke and have to live in the gutter, that's still my path, live high off the hog, still on it, not matter where I go or what I do if I'm following my heart I'm still on my path. Probably even if I'm following my head more than my heart I'm still on my path, because at that time my path lead me to think too much and go that way, there are lessons to be learned there as well.

This is where I am today, just putting it out there like I do everything else. Lately I've met some who seem to think I'm a bit too much, or too extreme in my words, actions or behaviours. But I am just me, that's the only thing I can be. If I'm too much for you, sorry, but this is it. If you can't handle what comes out of my mouth, sorry again, but I don't mean it personally, I only am saying it the best way I know to release the energy of the point I'm trying to get across. So it's just that way when you're in my presence.

I love you all and am only able to give you all of myself, whatever that means at the time...