Tapasya...

Lately my practice has been feeling like tapas. Now you may be wondering why I'm referring to Spanish appetisers, but that is not what I'm talking about. Tapas is short for the title of this entry, tapasya. An intensity of spirit when a personal sadhana gets deeper and your commitment to it gets set. Then it becomes tapas. So when you feel the urge to commit to a practice, not just asana mind you, and then to make it a transformational thing involving your spirit or the deepest part of your inner being.

When I went to Goa to practice with Sharmila Desai it was to kick myself in the butt with my practice of asana. I already mostly have a strong connection to a daily spiritual practice involving chanting, pooja, devotion and such but when I get asana involved at that same level, the whole thing becomes even more and as much as I may complain when it gets deep that is really where I love it to be.

I have a lot of judgment about things. I swore I'd never fall in love again(with someone in human form, only with God), I swore many, many things actually now that I start to list them, so I just won't. I like to judge things and put them in a little box in my mind and so there they can be nice and neat and not bugging me unless I take them from their slot and open that particular box. But India being the hottest of chaos that it is often reminds me that no, this type of thing is not acceptable. Those boxes will be thrown off the truck and dismantled completely! lol, and so that began again once I got here on January 28th from Germany, again. How do I forget every time, but I do. I like to think it's because I'm so present that I keep only in focus that which is in front of me, but that's a lie I'm sure. I'm not that good.

And so I set about to redefine my connection to my asana practice after 18 years. It changes quite often but I'd lost touch with how to make it feel spiritual again, and Sharmila showed me how to do that. But this is not about my adoration of her again, it's about what that means when the connection transforms into more and better. I also was shown that there are people out there worthy of being in a relationship with, that it can still be a spiritual thing, so that judgment was also redefined. And others about specific people, things, ideas, all have recently been shown to me as something else now. I guess the point being nothing is one way and we shouldn't believe it will only be that one way always and forever more...lol.

I love it when it's sticky, those areas are where the real work begins. What do I mean by sticky? I mean, when you want to get attached to a certain aspect of it, "judge it" as I say above. IT IS THIS WAY, AND ONLY THIS WAY SHALL IT BE FOREVER MORE! That's a lie and I know it, but it makes me feel more comfortable and safe. But how many times have a I written about my comfort zone and the damage I do to myself and my connection to spirit when I get stuck in this space? Many just in case you don't actually know the answer...

Sticky is when you find a good juicy spot and want to just stay in there, be with it only for a long, long time. Rather than just sucking it up, moving on to the next time when it could be just the opposite and you'll feel fabulous, flowing and with ease. Or then the next time again when it sucks, feels like you're in mud and trying to swim. The best place is when you can sit with whichever of those things comes up and be okay with it. The best tools of doing this within the asana practice is breath, bandhas and dristhi. Systematically keep bringing those things back into focus and they will shift your perception of life all around you, then you are stepping into the area of tapasya, or tapas.

You also have to be willing to take this into even a great, soft, easy space. Looking at it like, oh am I comfortable? Yes, why? And is it going to be me sitting in this for a long time? Yes, okay this time that's okay and then it can kick my butt later, or no, this time I need to be on top of it and move it to a new place so I don't get complacent in my own growth. Hmmm, yes, even in the good times keep a discerning eye on it, dristhi, and focus it back to where it will best serve you. Or not, it's up to you, but those things you're ignoring are not going to go away, they will just get bigger. And if I learned one thing in Goa with Sharmila it was about keeping that in focus... Am I going in the direction I need to be going, bringing will to the flow, and yet still going with the flow. YES! I'm doing my best to do so right now. Am I completely successful all the time? No, but fuck it, I'm doing my best.

Are you? If you're not don't get caught up in judging yourself, just notice and move back in the direction you want your life to go. That's what I'm trying to do with my judgment, of self and others. It feels like its working so far, so keep me in check if you see me, and I'll do the same for you. Or not, but we're still in it together, whether in physical form or not we're all connected so making it the best you can be for that moment only adds to the critical mass that we're all working on, know it or not. Which direction do you want our critical mass to go?!? Up to you...