I look in the mirror lately and I don't recognise myself. What is changing? I do not know. Do I care if I look old or older? Not really no. I care how I feel, and most days I feel very good and very young. Much younger than I did in my 20s, even most of my 30s.
So why is age on my mind lately? Well, I'm not sure. Often lately I've found myself saying how I'm old or older so my perspective is different, maybe in the saying of it too often I'm creating an old feeling within myself. Who knows.
I was told recently I look like I'm in my 20s, I was also told this week I look in my 40s and one even said I could be 70. That one hurt I think, hurt my ego. My ego doesn't even like that I look in my 40s. Why not? I am in my 40s lol. But that's how the ego works, right? Maybe not, I don't really know anymore. I used to always think I knew everything, now as I'm getting older I realise I don't know a fucking thing!
And that's just fine by me. Knowing things puts you in a position to be "over" other people and I have no desire to be that. I have only a desire to surrender these days. And in that desire I decided to go to see Kali in Dakshineswar and to the Kamakhya temple in Assam. Both are places of high Shakti, divine feminine energy, or rather just energy. Shakti is the fullest expression of it. I also cancelled this trip, convincing myself that I should go to the mountains instead, have a different type of intense time. But I realise now why I was fearful to go. I just think I would have stayed there, in that powerful energy. I have a deep longing to be a Shakta monk, just to worship the goddess and serve in temples of her fiercer aspects.
That may seem crazy to you but until you feel that longing you wouldn't understand so I'm not going to explain any further. Last summer when I was reading Ramakrishna's biography is when I realized that this was the feeling I was having for some time now, just to serve Ma. I also feel like I'm doing this in my Ashtanga Yoga teaching, it's empowering and helps you work through your mental and emotional issues and teaches you to tap into that inner shakti. So it is definitely part of that path.
But this will all work itself out. I even booked my trip to Uttarkashi and then changed it, now going to Goa to practice and with a female teacher whom I respect, so that will be tapping me deeper into both the yoga and the goddess principle. When I come back I'll plan a trip to Dakshineswar and Kamakhya, in the fall probably. That's the cooler time to go there anyway...
This also leads me to postures. I had many posts I wanted to write and didn't want to lump them all in together but I also don't have enough focus today to write many different ones lol, but posture has come up a lot lately. In what way? Well, being stopped seems to be a big focus.
People don't like being stopped at the posture they cannot do. Or rather should I say, their ego doesn't like being stopped. That is how I'll link the age part to this one. Ego is a big thing in society, especially in Western society. It also has been the downfall of empires, so one needs to watch out for it. We are meant to have them, meant to use them, not allow them to use us... Allowing them free reign is where the problems start. But there are tools to get them under control, and in yoga they are many, so we can work with them, rather than allow them to work us any old way.
And as I've mentioned before I had an easier time learning up through middle of third series when I was in my 30s but after a 4 year break and being a decade older than when I was learning that I again began with Pasasana and was stopped here for 3 seasons with Sharath. Of course my first trip I was stopped at Marichasana D and then at Supta Kurmasana for a month and then at drop backs. But Pasasana proved to be my breaking point.
My ego knew that my body had been able to do this before and so was upset that it wasn't happening again this time, so decided to push and push and I had a lot of trouble from this. The trouble was all mental and emotional though, my body faired pretty well. Sharath had wanted me to mostly stay in Primary series so that my back could get open and strong and then add on, and it worked, still is working as I'm doing intermediate I'm doing full primary, not splitting it and its working for me just fine for now. But Pasasana was really the breaking point for my ego and my emotional body.
This process was one of growth though, it was very intense, still can be but I'm definitely gaining a lot from it. Becoming more balanced, becoming more grounded. Any time I leave India I lose Pasasana, not completely, but often I can only still touch fingering rather than bind. And then again it cause my ego big issues lol, not lol when I'm in the midst of it happening but still now at this moment I can laugh about it. But it can cause me much inner turmoil once it goes away again each time. In fact this time back in India it has come back very slowly.
But this isn't about my issues with Pasasana, it's about getting stopped and the ego. Why is it so horrible to be stopped? We're mostly doing the same practice daily anyway for years upon years, the growth happens at these stopping points. It doesn't happen when it's all coming easily to us and is there anything wrong with that? No, not at all, good for you if you're one of those people. But often when every posture comes easily and then you meet one that is hard it really bruises the ego, right? And what is wrong with that? The Western approach is to fulfil the ego fully, which is another type path because then you get to a point where you realise there is no depth and you seek for it. But within Ashtanga Yoga you get handed your ego on a platter often and it hurts, but it only hurts your mind, not you really. and is a point of expansion of the inner self.
Don't skip postures you can't do unless you could always do them and now have gotten older or have an injury or something. Embrace where you are and be there, not looking for something new, just being with what is, okay? This can be yoga.
Yoga is the union of the inner self with the outer self, the union of me and you, the uniting of whatever two things or more you are attempting to bring together. It really means a yoke, to yoke the oxen to the cart, so it can even be just the physical aspect, such as the asana. And in the asana it is mostly about your mind, your emotions and your body all coming into sync and the products that come of that. Which is often just the softening of the mental expectations and acceptance of the present moment, but can be more as well.
Anyhow, all of this can be yoga. My union with the goddess I'm craving, which is really just a deepening of my connection with all the aspects of my inner Self. The postures which are a deepening of the connection between my mind, spirit and body. The yoga, which can be any of it if your intention is pure and constant, with focus.
Where are you in all this?
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