Do we ever stop fucking up...?

I'm at the end of my time here in Germany again and was looking forward to getting to Mysore, getting settled back in my house, even looking forward to dealing with the registration line with Sharath, often it's not so bad and the anticipation can be a lot but I enjoy being in his company so am always ready for it.

So was at the dinner with the owners of the shala I come here to teach for and they presented me with the amount of money and a chart of how much I made from each thing and what it added up to and then that I'd drawn against it quite a bit and so the actual pay I received was not very much.

Now, I knew I was drawing against the pay. I tend to always do this since I just live on what I make as I make it and don't have a storehouse of money anywhere. But this time I'd fucked up and not paid attention to a point that now I cannot afford to pay for my practice time with Sharath and my rent and living expenses all together. So, what the hell to do? Of course as is usual for me I freaked out inside, tore myself a new asshole from the inside out (figuratively) because I always give myself money troubles but I haven't done that since I've been traveling and teaching the past few years. And now I've dug myself into a hole and not sure how to get out of it. Of course I'm being a bit dramatic and realised this this morning as I'm walking down the Ring Road here and seeing all the homeless sleeping on the street. I'm okay, and I know it, but how and why do I always do this to myself? But thankfully I talked to quite a few friends who are in Mysore right now who made me feel better about the possibilities that I'm still going to practice with him and it will all work out. Then I started seeing a brighter day ahead. Then I can't check into my first flight on the route back, but it checked me into the second flight. WTF?!? Why is this happening? Am I not supposed to go back to Mysore? Maybe I'm supposed to stay in Germany, learn German and just live here and teach. Sharath listed me in Germany on his KPJAYI list anyway, maybe that was prophetic? Hahahaha. Of course I don't think it's all this but my mind goes to the drama first. Now I'm calmed down about that.

Everything else all day seemed to go very wrong, even the man making my pizza down near the Dom couldn't get the pizza into the oven, it took 5 tries lol. Again, wtf?!?

When you seeing "wrong" then you keep seeing more wrong, not anything possibly right. So you have to take the time to shift your perceptions to a new angle and then look again at it. And probably this is just the universal mother testing me again to make sure I keep letting go and allowing the flow to happen. She knows what I want and the better way to get it to me than I could have imagined so she's able to do this, get me lined back up and able to receive the blessings she has waiting for me. At least that is the way I'll choose to look at this so I can keep myself in a good place, not go down the rabbit hole of doom and gloom.

So, next time you hear from me I'll be back in Mysore typing from my bed and we'll see how this all turned out. I can't sit and worry about it anymore or I'll go crazy, and no, I'm still not sure how it's all going to work out but to go back to what I've said in previous entries, I have a lot of faith and this time it took me hearing those exact words from a friend to get me to remember that I know I have a lot of faith and it always carries me through, when I allow it to!

See you soon, live and love your life!