Do you ever feel stuck? Like stuck in a way that feels like something is squeezing you and all your shit is coming out, hopefully not literally but only figuratively? And you know things are coming to a head, but you just don't know what to do about it?
I've been feeling this way to a small degree since I was in St. Louis, but here in Germany since I kicked my practices all back into high gear it was feeling like the pressure was on. Pressure as in coal being squeezed into a diamond, not peer pressure or something like that. Although that can end up being the same thing often.
So yesterday I was reading my new book and then wrote in my journal, all in the morning before teaching (Saturdays is at 9am so I can get finished early with all my rituals and go have a chai and chill before instead of after class). I usually just write in stream of consciousness so I never know what will come out or where I will end up, and so I was doing this and came to conclusion from past impressions that at this time I am having another growth spurt. A period where all the work I've done and all the time I've spent on integrating it comes to a head and boom, it starts making sense, or its a big transition so it feels like a very large baby trying to fit through a very tight hole and oftentimes those holes rip or need an episiotomy so that the mothers vagina doesn't rip open. Either way a very painful process and we on the inside coming out feel as we'll we might be dying.
Dramatic I know, but I am dramatic so I'm not going to calm it down for this entry haha!
So, I've been drawn a lot over the past year to just let go of everything and live as a sadhu, throw my passport in the Ganga (and yes if you've known me for the past year it's likely I told you the story about the German guy in Rishikesh who did just this, and it inspired me so I use it often) and just going to be a wild man in the Himalayas. And now that I'm reading about all this folk tantra and how they do things in the villages as Goddess worshippers who believe in magic and those types of things I'm even more inspired and this wild man that lives inside me is wanting to come out.
Often lately I've also referred to this inner being as a big, fat lady. She likes to eat a lot and she is wild and living mostly naked and by her instincts and she is a magical creature that is magnificent. So whichever you want to think of it as, it's wanting out. And to deny this part of myself is to be blocking the flow of energy in me and in my life which is not something I want to do or enjoy doing when I end up allowing myself to do so.
Teaching here has been more magical and I feel like a sorcerer moving energy around the room and am enjoying it more than usual, but my physical body has been having limitations mostly due to my mental ideas of where I am in my practice. And then I remember last summer living in India and just giving up and not caring anymore, and then boom pasasana became easy all of a sudden and I was doing it easily for 4 months, even the 5th month when I came back to Germany and it was colder and raining I still had it mostly, until I got locked up in my mind with different ideas about how my body should be, then I lost it again and have not completely gotten it back again since. Now in two weeks I head back to India again and will be there a couple month before coming back to Germany so am working on letting these ideas go again. They are not serving me and in not serving me are restricting me from serving others more fully.
Since it's my mind that's doing it, the body is the same it gets more frustrating. And when frustrated there is more and more that builds up and becomes some"thing" rather than just staying a mental impression that should be easy to get rid of...
Anyhow, this is where I am. Once I realised this is what's happening the process seems to have exacerbated, which is cool because it means the new me will be here soon. And it won't be different than the old me, it'll just be a new thing integrated into my mental emotional impressions of existence and hopefully make me better for it. We'll see...lol
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