What is Yoga?!?

All this talk about the taxing of yoga classes in the state of Missouri has me thinking, harder than ever, what does yoga mean to me? According to state officials it is an entertainment or exercise and should be taxed, the same idea was repealed in Massachusetts and Washington state. How does one prove it to them that is it more a spiritual discipline than anything?

Well, for one, and yes I'm just going to say it. I really think I hate yoga! It is my lifestyle by choice yes, but it is hard because you have to be in such a state of concentration while doing it, kundalini or hatha either one, otherwise you can hurt yourself and not gain the benefits of the practice. The concentration is the key, and once you can concentrate hard enough you can even disengage your brain, let it do that for you (staying one pointed) and talk or enjoy yourself with your mind. Trust me though it takes years to get to that point. Trust me also, it shakes you up on a physical level so hard that its touching you on a cellular level and at the cellular level is where your life starts to change.

And who wouldn't agree, its the hardest thing on the planet to be present during your whole life. Its hard and takes a lot out of you mentally, which may be the point so you're not living in your head or mind as it were, but living in your life. Paying attention while its going on around you, being with whomever you are with, teaching in the moment, making strong decisions easily because you're there and know what needs to be done. AND once you start down the path, you can't backup! Once you start waking up, even just 9/10ths of an eye open, you can't close them again!

You have no choice from here on out to be present. I know people who've tried to go back and they're miserable, because they know they're not doing what they should be doing, they KNOW is the point. Before you peek out from under that one eyelid you don't know, and therefor are full of avidya (ignorance), not in a conscious way but in a way that you don't even realize you don't know anything and are just living the illusory veil that has been spread over you as the tool to get you begin the path toward self-realization.

Sure, asana, (yogic postures) are just a tool. They are meant to keep the body healthy, the energy channels, muscles and joints open, so that you can sit, be happy and know that you are a divine being. So that you can feel said divinity illuminating you from within and spread it like a seed being planted across the microcosm you live in so that a whole forest of open-mindedness, peace, love and realization happens all around you! So once you reach that state of connection, you may no longer need that tool. I say that I used to practice 2-3 hours a day 6-7 days a week and now I practice kundalini almost daily, to stay feeling light and connected and my body doesn't need the strong asana practice as much, so maybe 2-3 days a week and I anticipate I may not need it that much in the future. I may not need any practices at all once my energy channels are fully open and my body is fully open and my mind is fully and completely open to the divine, or God, or whatever it is you'd like to call it. If you're mind is there, then your body will be there right? And eventually not even the body anymore, just the spirit.

But we still live in a solid world, for now, so these practices can help us to get lighter, to realize our inner potential, to realize our inner divinity if you like. But trust me again when I say, they are the hardest things I've done with myself, physically and mentally, and therefor cannot be considered an entertainment. Yes my muscles and glandular systems do stay in amazing shape do to the physical practices that I enter into most days, but that is a side effect and not the initial focus of these things.

And while I said earlier, I hate yoga, that was just for dramatic effect. I do have trouble with it some days, as most people do, because some days you just want to remain asleep, not be awakened. But most days, I love it, and the fact that it has made me smarter, brighter, happier, more peaceful inside, as well as out, more in touch with myself, sexier, more loving, a better teacher ... I could go on and on, but won't.

Its a hard discipline, but has changed my life and those whom have also chosen it as a path around me, for the better and keeps helping us in our evolutions, making us stronger and more full of resolve to be who we are and be in union with our divine, connected to our source, and I'm good with that.

Come to a class and check it out if you haven't already, if you hate it, fine, you won't start the wake up process and perhaps aren't ready to, but maybe, just maybe you'll get the bug too. The wake up bug, and its bite doesn't hurt so bad, just a little ...

Companionship

A friend of mine used this word with me yesterday, thanking me by text for companionship of the day, even though we'd been in the same place for almost 8 hours but had spent almost all of the time separated. So I was surprised at the use of that word in particular.

Is companionship just the fact that you both knew you both were there or would companionship have been the actually having sat together through each little performance (it was a musically oriented day) and being able to share the experience with the person rather than alone and meeting up at the end? Obviously I feel one way and he the other, so that brings it down to a fact of perspective right?

So isn't everything about perspective? You and I go and have one experience, both in the same place at the same time, say watching the same play and both have completely different stories about what happened in the play and it made both of us feel completely different. And life is filled with these little situations where we all think everything is completely opposite of what someone else who was thought it was. Which is right? Why does one have to be right and one not? If you questioned everyone who had watched the play perhaps you'd get a different response from each and every one of them, so then how would you determine who's right? You wouldn't, you'd just have to agree to disagree and know that everyone has their own truth.

I do know why my idea of companionship would have ideally been the two of us, both sitting together, discussing each performance as it happened, enjoying the situation (or not as it may have been) and milling about together, eating together and leaving and heading home together.

Part of it is that its fall and I'm in the mood for a snuggling partner and to settle in for winter with someone to hibernate with so as to keep one another warm. The other part is that I'm ready for a companion in life. Ready to share everything with someone, waking up, morning yoga practice, breakfast and shower after and then dinner in the evening, if not lunch in between. Talking about everything that pops into our heads. Listening to music together, perhaps even singing and playing music together. Taking long walks in the fall coolness. God, I could go on forever (I'm feeling a bit romantic today!). But you get the picture right?

So, I'm also a yogi, so am practiced at being resolute within myself, whether the above scenario is in play or not. So I am happy and enjoying life and feel great. Funny thing is that those things make you want to share your life with someone even more! You feel so goddamn good that you want someone else to be there who'll benefit from that, and maybe you'll inspire them to feel good too, or vice versa. Share in the feeling good. So while I'm okay being where I am in life, I am also still in want of more.

Now, I have great friends to spend time with, I have a great family to do the same with but the type of intimacy I speak of now is different and you all know what I'm saying, so I won't patronize you by describing it any more fully than I already have.

I'm just putting it out in the universe that its time. Studying Abraham-Hicks teachings on the law of attraction, its all about putting it out there and letting go of the results and keeping your vibration in line with the things you want even though you don't have them and they will come to you. This is true I know, I have proven it time and again to myself and when I'm not lined up vibrationally it doesn't come and I feel frustrated because I can feel it there waiting for me and not coming.

So now, I'm putting it out there fully and completely and am letting go of the outcome. I am making peace with where I am, or have already made peace with it, but am now letting go of it and letting the universe take care of it. Done!

(wow, that started in one vain and completely went another way I had not anticipated)

Yogi Bhajan quote . . .

Meditation is not what you do in the morning, that is your practice. Meditation is the way you feel the rest of the day after your practice.

This quote has been on my mind a lot lately. I used it as a theme in a class this morning encouraging the students to concentrate on what they were doing, be present and then the meditative experience would come after that.

In classical yoga as laid out by Patanjali dharana (concentration) comes first, then dhyana (meditation). It makes sense. I don't always agree that the limbs of his yoga are meant to be performed linearly but happen when they are ready to happen, but in this case, having practiced yoga for almost 10 years I do. If you pay attention to what your doing during your practice, breath, movement, energy, alignment of the bones and muscles, in other words be fully present, that the rest of the day it will be easier to focus, easier to move, easier to feel whats going on inside your body, easier to be present with whomever you are with at the time or with whatever situation comes up.

Its funny how lazy people are, myself included sometimes. THinking about being awake usually for 18 hours a day and to take an hour and a half of said day to focus and get yourself together doesnt' seem like a lot of time to dedicate towards your own happiness, peace of mind, contentment, does it? Am I asking too much? I don't think so.

The students this morning responded well to the ideas I threw out during class and commented on it after, so I think they felt what I was saying, you know, they got it. It felt to me like a great class and many of them said so after, so I guess the theme got across.

Thats what I want to do, express ideas, be creative and inspire others to open themselves up to being more aware and being more present in their own lives. Thats what I want from my teaching, right now anyway. I want to draw the students to my classes that want to learn tools to delve into themselves more and feel whats going on and make decisions from that point and maybe, just maybe I am!

Have a lovely day! Sat Nam.

addiction

Addiction has been coming up a lot this week, on tv, with friends and even in yogic circles.

There was a guy on a news story at my hotel in Knoxville, TN about a man who runs now, having replaced his drug and alcohol addiction with that. The story was about replacing one addiction with another and is it better to have the healthy addiction or the unhealthy one or is an addiction an addiction?

I think an addiction is an addiction, because even if you have an addiction to a healthy thing, too much of it can be bad. Its about the balance right?

This weekend my roommate and I were in Tennessee for another White Tantric Yoga: a Kundalini Yoga day long event that incorporates movement, chanting and pranayama into a 9 hour or so extravaganza of energy building. Its quite and amazing thing and the energy you feel traveling through your body during and after (for about 40 days) is palpable. Almost feeling high, all of the time, to the point you have to really concentrate to function in regular life, as well as do a lot of grounding work. I've been walking in the park and doing hatha yoga to balance it out. It also has life changing qualities if you can maintain and handle the intensity of the energy moving through your life. It will change and for the better, maybe bringing out the bad stuff, or less desirable stuff in the process. But its intense for sure.

Anyhow, the point being, after taking part in this and feeling its effects I can see where it could be an addiction. Feeling good, what can be better than that right? And so you get attached to it, and attachment is not what yoga is about. Its about using the techniques and the energy created, built up or let free from its bindings within your body to find non-attachment to the things of life. Not its bad having or doing things, or wanting things, but being attached to them seems to me not such a great thing. When you can't let go it can become a problem. For sure.

Not judging anyone for being attached, for gods sake we're all human and attachment is part of it. Finding ways to let go can be part of it, especially if you're following a yogic path, since it teaches you tools to become less attached to things.

Addiction seems to me to be just an over-attachment to things, or people, and lack of presence in your daily life, moment to moment living. I know, I know, that has got the be the hardest thing but if you're not giving your present the awareness it deserves it will become something you think about with regret later. Maybe, maybe not.

I say stop thinking about it so much. Thinking about the people, places and things and just being. Just finding ways to feel good in every moment, thinking the thoughts that will help you feel better rather than dwelling on those things that are not making you feel good, which we are wont to do right?

Oh well, I'm done. I can talk about it forever but either you'll get the idea or you won't and think I'm crazy and thats okay too (I may be crazy) but I'm just like you, trying to get through life with as much happiness and peace as possible and leaving as little in my wake as possible.

So find a little happiness, right now, even if its just a thought that makes you feel better. If not, go on my facebook page and watch the old lady give her raunchy and abrupt version of advice and if that doesnt' make you laugh and feel better, nothing can.

Take care, sat nam!!!

Autumn again

This time of year always seems to start people turning inward. Me included. I have been doing some more intense hatha and kundalini practices to keep my energy from going in the bucket and its helped exponentially. But it still feels like the right time to be internal, fold into myself, even if its just a bit.

Its the weather that makes me want to snuggle up and read a good book (of which I'll be doing tonight, reading the Harry Potter series) or snuggle up with a cuddly someone and just chat and watch tv. The latter being moreso where my mind has been lately, and yes I have someone in mind, not just sure if said someone has me in mind though so so far thats been a no go. So far.

Last year I remember having a hard time with this time of year, not even wanting to get out of the house, but this year its different. Example; today I had to teach in the park, the park class has been humongous this year, so for sure I wouldn't be being alone! But the whole while I was teaching I felt internalized and like I was there by myself. I hung out for a bit after and then went off to read in my car and see a movie, both alone. So even though I was in the public eye, I still had the ability to keep my energy within and not overextend myself to the point I felt drained. Last year I had a hard time doing that, this year I've been practicing kundalini so intensely (twice a day, most days) that its nice to see the difference in my will power.

As far as the being alone part, I think I'm mostly okay with that. My practices have helped me come to terms with that. Even though I have been spending time with that certain someone a bit more often, I'm not pushing it and trying to move faster, because I've done that before and the response is not a good one lol. But in biding my time, I was never a good one. Not so this time around. I seem to be okay with it most days, some days not so much, I am human anyway. At least partially.

My teaching has also started to shift again. Not so sure what the turning point was but I have noticed I've been laying out more alignment instructions during my flow than I was and doing more static poses. Whereas this past year has brought me back to teaching some strong vinyasa. And my physical practice has been some strong vinyasa, hmmm, maybe I'm just seeing a lot of bad alignment and its coming out automatically. Who knows. Classes have picked up attendance-wise since its been cooler.

Not much to say in the way of profundity for sure, just felt the need to write a little something acknowledging the change in the season, the changes in myself and in those around me I'm noticing.

Sat Nam!

Love

So, maybe love is the scary thing? I was thinking about it. Don't we all really just want to love? To be loved? Even sharing love with those we may not know? If our spirits are all one or connected, can we really not know someone?

You see it all over, in stores, walking down the street, runners, sitting in a cubicle, in Whole Foods for gods sakes--people all walking around slouching their shoulders forward all around their heart, protecting that area so as to not be hurt.

I think thats what drew me to Anusara in the first place, the emphasis on the shoulders back and the lift of the chest, or shoulder loop if you're in the know;). It felt scary and unsafe, opening up the front of my chest like that, having a concave chest from slouching as a kid the last thing I'd want to do is open up. But once I embraced the scariness of it and how I love to test myself I fell for it and realized that opening my heart area or heart chakra physically was going to open my heart metaphorically as well. And it has.

The expansion on that came when I began incorporating more and more kundalini into my practice and it opens up and moves the thymus glad which is in essence your heart chakra. That energy was no longer blocked. I had taken the time and effort to open up my three lower energy centers and the link between them, the physical ones, and the three upper ones, the spiritual ones is the heart center. The one area where you feel spiritual and physical together, bringing balance. And that was where I needed to open up and did.

And there is where most people need to open up. I know some who actually are working towards it and I'm glad for it, I'm working on it daily. Now though, the work is how to incorporate that work into my life. To love? To just love freely, with no care for reciprocation? Yes! That is the answer methinks. I am working on it diligently, I hope anyway. I'm trying to observe that I'm being open and free and loving to any that approach me and any that don't.

I did find that when I let go a bit too much with someone I was interested in it seemed to backfire on me, but that friendship seems to be mending itself and I am still just letting myself love him and give him the space he needs to figure out where he wants to go with it, which may end up being nowhere near where I want to go with it, and does that bother me? Maybe, but should it let me stop giving the love freely? I think not. I think it feels good to give love, of course it feels good to receive it as well but is that the point? I don't know, maybe to learn how to receive it is a point in and of itself, but not the point of this message.

I am of the mind that one should take care of oneself first, ones own connection first and foremost, but then move out from there and become loving and giving to oneself and then out to others in your immediate life and then out from there. It starts at home and with a little impetus moves out, ... from your heart.

So lets all work on being more loving and more embracing of one another, even thru what we would view as their faults or their triumphs and create a global community based around acceptance of diversity and love. Sounds nice doesn't it? It does to me and I'm starting at home. With my practice, making it a priority to keep opening me up, unblocking all my barriers and then moving to those I live with, with love, and then to those I love but don't live with, and then out to my students, then out beyond that.

It feels great to be open, scary? yes, but thats okay. Fear is the mindkiller, so let loose of your fears and love them away!

Do something once a day that scares you...

I have seen this lately every day, as a bumper sticker, as a magnet at Borders, on a tshirt on Tuesday. Somewhere, on something it has reared its message to me once a day for at least two weeks.

So, what am I supposed to do about it? I am not scared of much anymore. I fear talking in front of people and yet that is what I do for a living, so daily I confront that. Can't be that. I am not a social person and yet have to live again to make my living in a semi social situation, especially at my market in the park classes where its a big social event, so it can't be that.

I fear commitment I think, maybe not, but I always avoid it but when I realized that and committed myself to my kundalini practice it began changing me and expounding the results almost instantly, it takes that to make kundalini work. Do I fear other types of commitment? Maybe. I'm not sure. I commit to daily trying to live by my best example, but fall short a lot I'm sure, I am human.

Hmmm, what scares me that I can tackle that I don't already tackle daily? I feel I'm being led in this direction to embrace my fears and come out on the other side of them, so let me think about it and see what I can today to make it happen. Start the movement to the other side of a fear. I don't like to be afraid of things, but must say that I am because we all are, and are raised to be scared of everything and I've done a lot of work to let go of the ones I thought were the big ones. The irrelevant ones like my fear of sharks only matter if I'm visiting Maui, so I'm not talking about that.

What scares you? Not a big thing, start small. If you're scared to tell someone in line ahead of you they smell nice, then today make yourself do it. Something along those lines, easy and something that won't really matter in the end. If the person thinks you're crazy does it matter? You may never see him/her again, so who cares, tell 'em!

Magic and other things . . .

Magic has been on my mind a lot lately, and yes because of Harry Potter. I saw the last movie for the second time today with a friend who had been wanting to see it and asked me to go. After I saw it the first time I was finally influenced to read the books which I had been avoiding and swore I would never read, not sure why, but that was where I stood. But after they killed Dumblodore I had to read this stuff that seemed deeper than what I would have expected. Not to mention it was a brilliantly made film, the cinematography and everything. But I digress.

So I've now read the first 3 books and picked up another one called The Magicians by Lev Grossman which is a grown up more gritty Harry Potteresque type story, but not at the same time. I'm only half way through it but love it very much.

As a child I was obsessed with magic, not the magicians and David Copperfield brand, but sorcery. Making things happen by shear will power and intention, it amazed me, along with Sci Fi. Then when 30 and I found hatha yoga, it seemed like alchemy was a real thing at least. Changing my body chemistry and my brain to function more clearly, my eyes to see better, my hearing improved, sense of smell, everything. Became alkaline from a super acidic physicality and improved every area of my life.

At that time I was doing Gurmukh's kundalini tape once a week, but it seemed like super hard repetitive movements, not something esoteric that worked on my energy like kundalini can be, then I discovered a class and deeper teachings, books upon books of meditations and kriyas given to us by Yoga Bhajan and began to feel the magic. These weird little breathing patterns, coupled with a movement and sometimes also a mantra started to move energy into and through my body in ways I hadn't imagined would be a possibility.

Then the real alchemy began, especially this year that I've been studying and practicing kundalini yoga so intensely. My heart began to open up and I voluntarily put it out there and with that energy around me people are more open to coming up and talking to me and asking me questions. My yoga teaching became better and my classes bigger, especially that crazy park class with 90 some odd people showing up weekly! I met someone that I am in love with but who doesn't necessarily feel the same way and I'm okay with that and am just staying out there and seeing what will happen with it or with someone else (no I'm not hopelessly going to wait around for him! LOL). Before I would've been heart broken and sad for months. I can sense energy in my students and others around me and when they are blocking it off, being fearful or reticent, not letting it flow. I can feel the energy of a thing I'm doing, in my body and around my body and can tell whether its the right thing or not necessarily the best for me at that moment based on that.

All kinds of things like that, things that a Baptist upbringing will tell you are crap and things of the devil, not to be messed with. Even though they feel good and intuitively right and like God leading me in the direction I'm supposed to head in, or telling me when I've veered off course from that direction.

Is that not magic? Magic as described by wikipedia is the consciousness manipulation and/or autosuggestion to achieve a desired result, usually by empirical techniques. Sounds like hatha and kundalini yoga to me? The results are layed out more specifically in the kundalini tradition so maybe moreso it that hatha but none the less, sounds like magic right? It makes me happy to believe there are these things in the world, in life. It makes me happy to know that the only way to be is not the way I was raised to understand things to be, but that somewhere deep down even as a child I knew there was more underlying all that stuff.

Some traditions mention Christ consciousness, that is how Jesus got his abilities because he was so connected to the source that he could do them and said even greater than these things that I do shall you do, and I believe we can. I am working toward what some call Christ consciousness and want to be leading my students, friends and whomever else in that same direction. This is what will create the paradigm shift, or rather move the paradigm shift that is already beginning to happen into the critical mass stage where all of us will be there and get it and move into the light that life really has to offer us, I can't wait!

The process started for me years after I'd started hatha yoga with the study of Kabbalah. The first teaching I read that resonated was act, don't react. I was like WTF? Thats what you do, react to things, but no it is a choice to react. You can chose to act once you've given it time to gel and see how you really feel, not let your ego get hold of you with a knee jerk reaction that will affect many and not be coming from your true place. That choice is magic. Really, once you realize you can make a choice or not and learn how to recognize it before you've had the reaction and stop and change it into an action is magic. You've changed yourself on a chemical level the very first time you've done that=alchemy=magic. Love it!

Oh bearded one . . .

As all beings in my life know or have been noticing lately I am not cutting my hair or beard anymore. I have been studying the Sikh Dharma as taught by Yogi Bhajan and his teachings on hair are that if you cut it and blunt the edges it stifles the influx of energy into your physical body, let alone your subtle and pranic bodies, so you grow it out to its natural length and use it as antenae to draw energy into your chakras. And if you notice the places we have the most hair are usually the chakras that we get stuck in, pubic area/second chakra and we're most of us in the midwest anyway very uptight around sex, chest area/heart chakra and we're most of us closed off in our hearts, not letting people into our lives or our deepest selves, on our heads/crown chakras and we most of us get stuck in our heads thinking of scenarios over and over again, driving ourselves insane and living in our heads rather than in our lives and interacting with those in our lives on a human level.

Those are just examples, not completely exclusively counting for all of us, but for a majority maybe. So maybe not cutting our hair is a way to balance out energies in these areas of our life? Who knows!

Another teaching is that in the male the moon center, or feminine energy center is in the chin and to balance that out you grow out the hair and it pulls in the masculine sun energy and creates an energetic balance within. This I do think is true, I have noticed that I feel more balanced lately and am loving that.

Anyhow, all of this aside. I cannot walk anywhere in life, especially through Whole Foods, without getting 10 comments about my beard and how massive it is, or how awesome it is, or how masculine it is. I'm not complaining by any means, I find it fascinating that so many are so drawn to it. Mind you it is very dark, other than the vast amounts of gray sprouting throughout it, and so very noticeable. You cannot not see it. But for it to be such a topic of conversation is amazing to me.

I won't even discuss how my mother and sister feel about it, it irritates me that it so defines me to them that they are completely offended by it, so I won't go there. Its all about what makes me feel good right? They are contrast so I know I want to go in another direction with my thoughts. Abrahamic stuff I know.

So have people forgotten in our not so distant past all the hippies and their beards? How almost every man in the 60's and 70's had one? Or in the not so recent past in ancient Rome it was a sign of wisdom, or in Israel a sign of manhood or even India where its a sign of vanity to cut it off, still to this day even. I think the hippie one is still fresh enough that people think you are one when you have the facial hair, and thats okay with me. Hippies were free thinkers and creating a different reality with their outside the box approach to life, not following the corporate model or that cookie cutter image so many were trying to influence others into. It also seems to me that many of the younger people I'm meeting nowadays fall under the hippie category again, both in their thinking and in the growing of their facial hair.

Yes, the beard, as far as I've noticed, is making a comeback and more and more young people are sporting them and ratty, messy bedhair and bringing their open minds back to the fore. It seems that at this time when change was so needed, as it was back in the 60's, that attitude has started to expand again.

Maybe it is in the energy of the hair? Again, who knows. But if you notice as the paradigms begin to shift, each time, the beard comes back onto our chins and then the free minds start to spread around. Funny huh, but I'll take it. As mine gets bigger and longer I will let my mind free itself from its bindings and expand out into consciousness to create and bring about the paradigm shift I feel is happening. And I will observe how as it gets longer, do I open up even more, keep expanding and growing as a person? keep flowing with the change and not getting stuck in one position? keep helping others flow with the change and not letting themselves get stuck? Hopefully so, we shall see.

Take care. Sat Nam!

wow, has it been over a month since I last made an entry on here? I guess so. I have sooo much floating around in my head these past few weeks and usually wait for it to formulate into something but its not congealing! So maybe I'll just type and see what comes of it.

I've been noticing a lot lately that I keep drawing more and more interesting people into my life. Most recently I have been accosted with people from high school finding me on Facebook and requesting to be my friend. At first this was anethema to me since I hated school and only really had a couple friends whom were already my Facebook friends (yes Stacey and Amy, you are two of them). So one day I took a leap and started a conversation with one of them, this was a few months ago. He ended up being someone that I would actually chose to be my friend in real life now, so I start thinking that maybe since I've evolved and become so different than back then that everyone else might have done the same? And could possibly be very interesting people now? Hmmm, what novel idea!

So it happened again today and has happened in between quite a bit too. Its nice to see that we all had ideas of ourselves and others back then that everyone else didn't have. You thought they were talking about you and making fun of you behind your back and yet they were just thinking the same thing or had so much drama at home that you didn't even register on their radar, or some shit like that. What egotists we are to think we're all so important to everyone else when we're really only important to ourselves, especially as hormone enraged teenagers!

So today a student of mine, whom is also a teacher, told me how important and powerful my classes are to her. She said all these people go out of town to study with these big name yoga teachers and look what we have right here in town! Why not learn what you can from the teachers in your own vicinity? I appreciate that sooo much. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right. I strive to not just teach a physical fitness class and to get across the ideas that we are doing this physical practice for so many more reasons that just what it does for our body but what it does for our mind and spirit and not to mention the connection to the greater source we receive when we are totally present in it. And she was very eager to tell me that I do that and do it very accessibly. Again, thanks so much!

I really do have some amazing students that put so much into their practice, I can never be grateful enough to them for all that they give me in return!

Anyhow, I threw that in there to expound upon the idea that none of us really know what others think of us. We, most of the time, don't know what we think of ourselves for gods sake! So you sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, think about that maybe there is someone out there that just thinks you're the shit. Or they are so painfully attracted to you and unable to say anything because of fear, or maybe even in love with you and think it unwise to express it or anything along those lines. Just saying that what we think of ourselves may not be the opinion of those all around you.

Not saying you should be influenced by what anyone else thinks of you, maybe appreciative of it, but just think of that to make yourself feel better maybe when you're down or maybe when you're up and want to feel even better. There are people out there in your life who may uplift you just by what they think of you.

I myself use yoga to keep myself trained in feeling pretty damn good. Kundalini yoga does it more quickly than hatha, and more fully, but hatha is a good tool for this as well. And so I'm glad I can teach it and have people appreciate the way I present yoga. I can't present it any other way than the way it resonates within me, so I'm glad people find it helpful and fulfilling and have learned how to find their own connection from it.

Okay, off to do a kundalini kriya as a matter of fact. So I'll write some more tomorrow maybe. Got a lot in there right now, so want to see what else can come out. Hav ea great one!!!

Flow

I've been thinking a lot about flow lately. I teach mainly vinyasa, which is to flow through life with your breath, or rather in my case, flow through a class with your breath! I should say I have recently come back to it, from learning Anusara for a couple years, now I take the alignment principles and put them into a flow, from one pose to another.

I've studied the past year and a half or so, a lot of the teachings of Abraham which are channelled thru Esther Hicks. They talk a lot about flow as well, flowing with the stream. The stream of life. There is a lot of talk about turning around and paddling upstream, which most of us are guilty of, thinking that is what you're supposed to do, rather than taking in your paddles and letting the stream flow with you. Because the law of attraction draws to you everything you think about and if you're open to it, meaning to me not attached to the outcome, it will come to you. When you're blocking it by attaching yourself to it you are basically cutting it off from coming into your experience of life

So, I've come to the conclusion they correlate in my life. I am drawn to teaching and practicing a flow lately, whereas I have been in a holding pattern for about a year. Waiting. For what I know not, but for something definitely! So now I'm being drawn back to a flow or vinyasa practice due to the fact that I am ready to let go and let my boat turn around and flow with the stream again, something I used to be good at and for some reason have gotten away from. So as I remember how the flow feels in my hatha practice it can hopefully help me remember how the flow feels in life. Not attaching to things as they come along, but letting them either flow on past my boat, or swirl in and eddy around my boat for a bit before they find their way back into the middle of the stream and move on to the next thing, and I move along to my next thing having fond memories of that thing, person, vacation or even awesome meal, whatever it may have manifested as at that time.

I think when you grab a hold of things, be they people, places, things or hell even ideas and hold on so tight they are bound to create a blockage of energy. Hold on tight enough long enough and that blockage will manifest physically as a blockage in the body, artery, heart, cancer, whichever is closest in vibration to the thing you're attaching yourself to. So, our nature is to grab a hold of things and hold on tightly, or it seems so anyway. Maybe thats just a learned behavior from a parent, past life or culture one is raised in. Maybe our true nature is to flow and let things come and go, let people come and go, places, ideas. Everything evolves. Let the evolution happen.

I know the Baptist tradition I was raised in frowns on evolution. Either it was divinely inspired or it was evolved and evolution couldn't have happen because god created everything exactly as it is. Well, no, not really. Everything has evolved into the way it is right this second, and will begin evolving again in the next second into whatever it will become in the future only to keep evolving beyond that. Why does the dualist perspective have to take precidence? Why can't evolution be divinely inspired? I believe it is. I believe Abrahams teachings are correct, there is a stream and it is ever flowing or evolving. Becoming new in each second, if you chose to grab onto something, whatever it may be, and hold on tight, then you're just turning upstream and paddling the opposite way of the currents flow, maybe this time you're not holding on so tight so you just staying still in the stream so you are getting little headaches or even migraines, or maybe you're holding on for dear life and actually moving upstream you're paddling so hard and you've got cancer, or had it and keep bringing it back, or some other chronic pain or issue in your body.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience, not human beings having a spiritual experience comes to mind. So when you are blocking yourself at the level of soul, with an idea or thing you're holding onto mentally it may even manifest more quickly as an issue in the body than say something or someone you're holding onto physically, but that too will ultimately manifest as something. Or so I believe.

You don't have to agree, at all, you create your own reality, I do not. But think about being open to the idea of letting things move rather than stay stagnant. Look at water, as soon as it becomes stagnant it stinks, grows moss and many other parasitic things in it, becomes yucky and no one wants to go near it. If our bodies are 75% water or whatever percentage they're telling us it is today, then really think about that. Yuck, now I've got icky visuals! lol

Stay open to it, whatever it may be. Open your heart and let it flow thru and enjoy each moment while it lasts, and embrace and enjoy each new moment as it comes into your experience. Sat Nam, Keith

The Force

So, anyone who knows me, knows I am a dork for Star Wars. I have Yoda all over my room, even a bobble-head Yoda in my car. So, they may all not know that I read the books. There have been books written since the last of the first set of movies came out, about times since then, continuing the story from that point on and as well telling older tales and tales in between the movies, virtually covering every possible time frame.

So, the latest was that Han Solo and Leia Organa's child, one of twins, Jacen Solo had become Sith to balance out the galaxy. Not because of being evil, but because he had taken 5 years journeying around the galaxy to visit races that used the Force and learned their techniques and philosophies regarding said Force and the vast majority of them presented the Force as a neutral energy, not dark or light, as seen by the Jedi. But the gray area, so the being in touch with the Force, or using it, bending it to their will was the factor that makes it light or dark, or gray as it may be.

So, thinking of this and reading the teachings of Yogi Bhajan, he teaches all about the neutral mind. Don't come from the positive mind, or the negative mind, but the neutral mind. He has meditations to balance out all areas of the mind of which there are many and he details them extensively in his book, The Mind(can't remember the subtitle, sorry), so that when one has balanced out all the areas he/she is coming from a place o neutrality, not being affected by the positive or negative aspects of a situation. Thereby having no attachments to either outcome, or either possibility, just being neutral.

Sounds a lot like Buddhism too, right? The middle path, the middle way. Taoism, the balance of yin/yang, masculine/feminine, good/evil, even dark/light right?

So how do I come into this? I was looking through old journal entries and reading about how I felt after the White Tantric, the amount of joy bursting from my proverbial seams. The way my growing practice of kundalini yoga was feeding this and making me sit and just feel happy, for no reason, in the middle of the day. Just crying because how the hell could I be any happier? Just drawing everything to me instantly because of being in such a feeling good place. Working those Abrahamic teachings of the Law of Attraction, not even on purpose, but just because I felt so damned great that they came to me as I thought of them.

Including a man, a man I screwed it up with, but whom also screwed it up with me, but that is another story. But having said that, after having screwed it up with said man I fell back into a deeply dark place. Which didn't feel so awful, because I've always been a dark person and lived there for the first part of my life, just recently having begun the trek out of the dark and into the light. BUT, I've been doing all this yoga, and feeling so awesome, why would I fall into the dark again so easily? Without a battle at all? Just there as soon as something didn't go my way.

Then a month later, finding myself wallowing in self pity and rolling around in the dark decided to take it upon myself to use the teachings I've so dilligently studied for the past 10 years, not the mention the readings I began back when I was 16 with Shirley Maclaine's "Out on a Limb," and pull myself out of that dark place.

I began doing a practice again every morning, kundalini and hatha yoga in the afternoon or evening, doing extra meditations even here and there. Spending almost whole afternoons walking in the sunshine in the park, just to feel the light on my skin, literally, hoping the literal would affect the figurative, which is began to (and for which I can credit my awesome tan which I had even before summer came into full swing!).

So, all this and I'm to a neutral place. Neutral, gray area. I am so not happy, I smile, laugh and enjoy parts of each day, but don't feel that happiness I felt when I was at my peak a few months ago. I also am so not unhappy, I'm not angry, sad, upset or even mildly irritated with anything. I am feeling almost nothing. Nothing at all. Not any emotions, one direction on the scale or the other.

Is this the neutral mind, the middle path, the balanced place I am to exist and live from? Is this where a yogi hopes to be one day? I must say, it is way better than living in that dark place where nothing feels like it can get any better no matter what one does towards the betterment of the situation. But it also does not feel as good as being in that happy, life affirming, smiling for absolutely no reason sort of place.

Maybe that existence isn't sustainable. Maybe thats the point. We have to be able to exist whether we are ecstatically happy, or whether we are feeling doom and gloomily, right? So we are to be in this place of nothingness? Of neutrality? Of balance?

Hmmm, I wonder. There is no answer. There just is, I am no matter what I think of these circumstances. I am whether I am teaching 84 people in the park or 6 in a closed in yoga studio room. I am whether I am swimming with my niece and nephew or sitting in a chair reading the latest Star Wars novella. I am, just I am. And maybe thats what I need to be content with. Just to be and create from this being and live the creation. Create, create, create. Build upon each creation and go forth evermore. I don't know if I like this idea or not, but either way I am still here, I still am, so am living it whether I like it or not, so I guess it becomes irrelevant right? Just be. Whats that bible verse? Be still and know that I am...

Thats enough for now, I've poured some out of my pitcher and need to see whats left, or maybe refill it. More another day. Sat Nam/Namaste.

so. . . . . . .

I feel like I want to write, but I have no theme. Usually I'm working through some ideas and writing helps me get them sorted out but this time, nothing. I feel there is much in there to be expressed, but I also feel its not surfacing so maybe if I type stream of consciousness style it will come out, right?

Its funny to me how balance expresses itself in my life. My Tower Grove Park Farmers Market class literally had 84 people in it, which is all donation based so its accessible to everyone. Today my new 8am class had 2 people and the mens group at 4pm had only 5 people in it! That class used to be my bread an butter and now they have just quit coming, so don't know what to do about that. But thats one expression of yin/yang, sooo many at one, so few at another.

Another area, I havent' been as hungry (never am in the heat of summer) and yet here I am with a larger waistline than I've ever had in my life! I really don't know what thats about. I do think I shall attribute it to the kundalini practice though. Many of the meditations and kriyas free up the diaphragm and navel center so they are more open and allow the energy to flow rather than be blocked in that area, so I guess its okay. I feel great, so who cares!

Hmm, but still feeling unsatisfied. The stuff with Brian has been pretty well taken care of so I've let go of that stress. The income seems to be coming in strongly, or on its way in anyway, so no stress there. I've got some trips I want to take, that may be determined when I see how the income is doing on paydays but no biggie. So why do I feel, hmmm, lost? No not lost, just like an adventure is around the corner and I'm waiting on it to happen. Yeah, thats the feeling.

So I'm ready for it. As ready as I'll ever be anyway. Give it to me! I may wish I hadn't said that, but hell no, I'll be fine with it so here it goes--

Universe, I am as ready as I'll ever be for this big life change and the amazing things you've lined up for me, so bring em on!!!

Ok, thats good enough for now. I am ready and I needed to talk myself into realizing that that is what I'm feeling right now, anticipation of the oncoming, Anticipation!!! Love it!

Summer

Well, I know its not summer as yet, officially anyway, but the tides have felt as if they've turned.

After April 3rds White Tantric yoga experience the energy was supposed to be with me for 40days and boy was it. Whilst at the same time Mercury (the ruling planet of Gemini, of which I am one) was in retrograde which means that life turns upside down basically especially for those born under that sign, less so for those not under that sign but it still happens.

I don't know how much credence I give all that stuff, or used to, but now I give it some because I had the most tumultuous mental experiences up until a little over a week ago. And then all ofa sudden boom, relaxed mind and everything is coming easier again. Strange stuff for sure, but there is something to it.

So now my yoga practice is coming to me more easily, I'm able to sit and meditate more easily, I'm able to think more clearly and quickly and interestingly enough I'm less horny! Odd things these bodies we inhabit, I wonder truly will be ever know all the little quirks about them? Probably not, because as we expand and grow in consciousness we will create newer and more fabulous bodies, probably lighter ones that are able to float or fly! Who knows.

Just a tiny observance of mine for today. Thanks, as always, for reading it.

Sri Krishna Pattabhi Jois

Sadly, K. Pattabhi Jois, the proponent of the Ashtanga Vinyasa sequences in the yoga world passed on at 2:30pm todays date in Mysore, India. That would be about 8:30pm or so last night here.

Anyone who has followed me and my teaching knows that Ashtanga was a humongous part of my life for 8 years, moving my way through the 3rd series of Pattabhi or Guruji's yoga. The last few years I've gotten more into the alignment principles of Anusara and Kundalini, but even for a year I was teaching Ashtanga with alignment principles before I finally got away from the practice all together.

Back in 2o00 after having only practiced partial primary series for 3 months I went to Boulder to study with him as he was hosted by Richard Freeman, a fairly famous yoga teacher whom is also from St Louis. This was something most thought was crazy as they had all heard stories of his adjustments in poses and the like, but I went anyway. I figure he's old and I may not have much of a chance, only to find this very vibrant 85 year old who tore through the room with much vigor, adjusting and calling out poses and calling out breaths and making us sweat like we've never sweated before, calling out Bad Man! or Bad Lady! when you tried to skip on a pose or skimp on a pose, then looking you in the eye, giving you a shit eating grin and wink and moving on. Same thing in 2002 in Maui, still a lion of a man and tough as nails.

Maui also led me to Nancy Gilgoff, a little gem of a yoga teacher who physically taught me uddiyana bandha. Amazing stuff and an amazing woman. One of the first three Americans to learn Ashtanga from Guruji, having gone there with her husband and Norman Allen who was featured in Enlighten Up!

Guruji had a smile like you couldn't imagine, just drop you to the floor with it and then you wanted to do whatever he asked, you want my foot where? oh sure, I will put it there! and then he would help you anyway.

His pidgeon English was always endearing as well and surprising how sometimes he wouldn't say a word or speak completely in Sanskrit or Kannada (his native tongue) and you would know exactly what he was saying. Funny how a midwestern raised homosexual who drank a lot (at the time) and thought partying was the end all be all of existence fell for this little bitty old Indian dude and his grandson (who really is hot in person). It still flabergasts me that I changed that quickly, became an almost celibate yogin who did this amazingly hard practice every morning and then taught it to who I taught it to. Most unlikely of folks coming to my classes when they were in Collinsville, but they loved it just as much as I did and still do.

I think that next week I will dedicate my practice to doing ashtanga in his memory. I know he is happy and was happy while alive, but is happy now too and that is why I want to celebrate him and his teachings which began me on this path of self discovery and challenge and changed my life completely, leaving the corporate world and started me moving toward teaching full time, which is a blessing for sure.

Thanks Guruji for so much! I'm sure Sharath, whom is an awesome teacher in his own right, will do you proud. Namaste!

Enlighten Up! the film

Just saw this movie and it had a profound effect on me. With all this drama going on in my life, well in my head, I had lost my connection. Connection to consciousness, god, divine, energy, whatever one wants to call it. And that is my number one reason for being a yogi, for practicing all the types of yoga I have over the years. Right now I'm not even drawn to practice anything and I feel like a million bucks, so thats a testament to the fact that its all in your head. As Patanjali said, yoga is the cessation of fluctuations of the mind, nothing more, nothing less. My mind is not fluctuationg right now at all, and I'm definitely looking forward to a full nights sleep for a change!

So I let go of my connection when I met Brian and allowed the connection he and I had energetically to take over for my own connection to my inner divine, rather than holding on to my own connection and letting the energy between the two of us just add that much more to it. Now, don't get me wrong, its a great thing that connection between he and I, or you and whomever you have it with, but one has to figure out what makes them happy and hold onto it in spite of everything else on the planet.

But aren't we so quick to let go for a chance at love? Sure we are, I am so much proof of that this past couple weeks too! Not saying I don't want to let myself fall in love with him, but at the expense of my own love for myself, never again. At the expense of allowing my own inner divine to shine out through me? never again.

The glow I have has to be my own and when we're together we can echo one anothers glow back to each other or to others around. Never only glowing when we're together. He knows this innately, and its why he was so irritated by me letting mine go. I had to learn it from years of practice and so its still easily forgotten on my part. Soon it will be stuck in there though never to be lost again.

So I must say thanks to him. Send him much love and appreciation. The yoga started the process of my heart opening energetically but without someone to connect that heart energy too I never let it blossom fully and so now that I have allowed it out, I know I can allow it out all the time in any direction. I know I can be loving and compassionate and fully express it when I need to, to a student, to my mother, to my friends, even to strangers. Strangers of which there aren't any really! We are all little reflections of god and only have to learn what makes us happy, what connects us, because then we will begin to shine it out through our face, through our actions, through our entire being. And thats what this is really all about.

Realizing our own divinity. Sat Nam

Emotions

Spring is a time when emotion tends to run rampant, or so I hear. I'm not usually subject to this phenomenon at least until this year. This year I'm having a major meltdown and am told Mercury is in retrograde on top of that and being a Gemini, ruled by Mercury, my existence as a whole will be majorly affected and turned on its head.

I don't know how much credence I put into that astrology stuff, but I tell you, I'm not having a great time.

After doing so much kundalini lately which has helped balance me, I'm finding it has also stirred up a lot of shit within me. It only took me meeting someone that I was willing to let in to start the landslide, but boy has that landslide started happening. I fear I'll be lost under all the rubble falling on me, mentally at least.

So where is the yoga in all this? I've practiced for 10 years now and am told of all of these great benefits of equanimity and such that are the boons of said practice. So where is my equanimity, my peace of mind, my balance, my ability to not let the emotions control me but to just feel them and observe them? I'm not sure, at all.

I just brings to mind what my friend Michael Faith teaches, everything in his classes revolves around the heart. The energy of the heart, I'm finding anyway, is an amazingly strong thing that is not to be reckoned with! I began the opening thru my Anusara practice and the kundalini only exacerbated that opening til the point now where I'm a mess. Maybe the heart energy really is the strongest thing on the planet, you know like, All You Need Is Love?!? Maybe once you unleash it its just that powerful and overwhelming so as to not be controlled, even through yogic techniques? If so, I'm fucked because I'm having a major unleashing and I mean major!

Well, maybe not a mess, maybe just falling in love. Falling for someone I don't even know how he feels about me even though others tell me they believe he feels the same, just doesn't want to miss me while he's gone on an upcoming month long trip and therefor is being standoffish. Falling for someone who tells me the trouble he had getting over his ex and how it will be a long time before he can befriend him and yet he keeps spending time with him this week, instead of me! Selfish I know, but this is my blog after all, right?Falling for someone who used to answer my texts almost before I was finished typing them and then a week later can't get an answer at all! Falling for someone whom one night we're making out and arousing each other and then a week later he won't even let me try to arouse him because he doesn't want to be intimate with me before he leaves because it will be easier.

What does he think intimate is? Intimate is the walks we've taken, the talks we've had, the kisses we've shared, the day we spent text flirting all day long. Sex, poo on sex (dont' get me wrong, I like it and want it), give me the rest!

One thing that disappoints me in myself is this, I am the biggest proponent that happiness comes from within, trying to teach people that on a daily basis. And I was happy up until Sunday, now I'm just miserable. And why? Why am I allowing someone else affect my yoga, my connection to my inner divinity? The key word being allowing. No one can do this to me, I have to be allowing them to do it, and that puts it back on my shoulders. Where is my inner strength, inner peace? What have I done with it? Again, maybe the heart energy is just that fucking strong, strong enough that even the strongest will (like mine) is affected. And why release that energy in a direction in which I'm feeling almost no reciprocation anymore? Maybe the energy knows better than I do, maybe its being drawn in a way that I've asked for it to? I did ask for a spiritually aware, loving, interesting, super smart, sexy, no nonsense guy who does yoga and/or has some sort of equivilant of an asana practice didn't I? Yes, I did. And the universe pushed it in front of me, only to take it away for a month a few weeks later.

Maybe that month will be the best thing thats happened between us. It will give him time to go away and forget how much I've driven him nuts wanting to be around him all the time, and give me time to create some distance. Maybe enough distance that when he's back I can have some composure and a bit more equanimity with him and myself and just let the things unfold the way they are going to, rather than trying to force anything. Hmmm.

Oh well, just ponderings here. Trying to find the yoga, the balance, within the situation. In a very public forum I realize but maybe thats how to do it? Just put it out there and let the universe come back with some answers. Hopefully, anyway.

Sat Nam

Spring redux

One thing thats occurred to me just now about that last post. That last post is also a perfect example of what I mean by being stuck in the mud. Meaning dealing with those lower emotions or lower chakra emanations rather that coming at it from a higher chakra level reinforces the idea to me of how hard it is in this area to stay in the more positive or neutral aspects of life.

Feeling those feelings of attachment, which are really my mothers issues and not mine, some that I usurped from her over the course of living with her and her ideas of men and how they are, based solely on my fathers behaviour towards her and other women, have nothing to do with me.

Someone I've just met shouldn't have to deal with my mothers issues manifesting my mind and being enacted in his direction, he's a clean slate. And this one in particular is a highly evolved individual and deserves to not have me worried and acting selfishly or should I say self-preservatively (is that a phrase?) when he has done absolutely nothing to enact my danger sense. Other than being an old-fashioned, loving, heart opened gentleman toward me he in fact hasn't been less than perfect.

So in fact its time to approach this relationship from a higher level, higher chakras, heart, throat and third eye. From an enlightened perspective than from a base level perspective, fighting for whats mine, or what should be mine or what I think should be mine when in fact, nothing is mine and everything is mine.

We are all manifestations of a divinity that we can only chance to understand and hope and pray to emulate even in the slightest bit. So why not act like it?

I think its brilliant that I've been such a fuck-up at relationships all my life due to holding onto my mothers belief system of men, so what does the universe do to move me to the next level? It sends me a man, who is just a man, but whom is also attractive to me on my animalistic levels and whom is attractive to me on my upper chakra levels. Someone who is highly evolved and in different ways than I am that I can build off of and learn my lessons from, someone who will challenge me and make me grow, but someone who also will be challenged by me and not run from it but will grow from the challenge.

Hmmm, I like the sound of it and will stay on top of my work in the situation, I hope! lol.

Sat Nam!

Spring

So, spring is in full bloom, literally and figuratively. This time of year I usually find myself feeling lonely when I normally am fully content with only my own company, and this year is no exception.

I've been feeling sooo awesome, mostly due to the strength I've gained mentally from my kundalini yoga practice, and I still feel really great. Just a bit lonely.

I've met a guy whom I actually really like and he practices yoga, which is a big plus, and he's an intelligent, language loving person and I could fall for him, probably already am in fact but thats neither here nor there right now. The thing is that even though we've texted, talked, taken walks and so forth a bit each day since the exchange of numbers I still get a bit melancholic in the afternoons and feel lonely.

Now, by all rights its not his job to keep me from feeling this way, it really has nothing to do with him, but I feel that maybe feeling this from me may scare him off. I don't think it will, but okay its afternoon and I'm feeling melancholy again, so I'm being pessimistic. Give me a minute and I'll get back to my loving, happy self! lol He's tough and self suffcient so I'm sure it won't, but I have that fear for some reason. And trust me, he's a keeper, a real keeper and someone that I consider an equal in all aspects of my life. So, needless to say I don't want to push him away.

Now, already I'm getting this shit out and I'm feeling better. I know I'm a great catch, I have a lot to offer a relationship and I have a lot to learn about them too. Especially in the area of giving that person their space, and not losing myself in the process (which I am wont to do).

So, just thought about this. When I'm beginning to feel the downward swing in the afternoon I will do a meditation from Yogi Bhajan to pick me back up, mentally, and then see how I feel. Then I will start catching my thoughts before they get to the point of this downward spiral and turn them around to think of the wonderful things in my life, of which there are many, and the wonderful things upcoming.

My goal is to not be detached from the situation, or too attached to the situation, so I have some great tools at my disposal that need to be used to help this process, so I will now start to use them. Ok, off to my kundalini class to get in a better space and look forward in my thinking.

Btw, thanks for reading, whomever you may be, and finding my process of working through these thoughts and feelings interesting enough to come back for more! Write again soon, hopefully from a better perspective. Not that this was a bad one, just started out feeling that way, now it feels better.

Sat Nam!

LATER THAT SAME NIGHT:

So I've been to my class,my teacher said many words that inspired me and made me realize what a large part of my problem is, not that I'm necessarily ready to write about that yet but it mainly works around my 5th chakra, throat chakra that is and its connection to my heart chakra. My heart chakra which is quite open lately but I'm waaay out of balance in my throat chakra, also this is based on a workbook I have, and the connection between the two is where my work is. I speak from my heart but not from a neutral place, taking into consideration where the other person is speaking from and finding the common ground between the two. Make sense? It does to me now after speaking with Nancy and her just having come back from a Conscious Communications kundalini level 2 seminar. You have to take into consideration which chakra you're speaking from and which chakra the other is hearing you from and find the common ground between the two for the communication to actually happen, you also have to listen to yourself as you speak, and hear yourself, whilst checking to see if they are hearing you or just not taking it in at all as most people are. So, I'm good, just need to balance my 5th chakra and monitor my speech as it comes from my heart, making sure its not too overwhelming, which I know I can be!

Homo Yogis

So, its been being drawn to my attention a lot lately the fact that yoga is an area in which not much is said about homosexuality, me being a homosexual and having addressed this a lot lately I've felt led to type some words on it.

In the Kundalini Yoga Yahoo group there has been a discussion lately about gay marriage and how the 3HO feels about it, how Yogi Bhajan felt about it, etc. I am reading his book The Mind; Its Projections and Multiple Facets, right now and in it I would feel obliged to point out that he is not trying to get us to comply with any Sikh rules or any rules involving what anyone else thinks at all. He is trying to get us to do his exercises, use the meditations he has taught us to simply come to ourselves and the Guru that is within and form our own patterns of thought of things. Not to worry about what anyone else thinks at all, but to formulate our own lines of thought around any and every subject that comes up in our lives. I know in America we are mostly taught to be followers and consumers, told on a daily basis what to buy, what to wear, what to eat, what to think, what not to think, etc and it would seem that the teachings he is laying down or was laying down before leaving his body were to liberate us from those trains of thought, to liberate us to create our own ideas of things and even then to liberate ourselves from those self-created trains of thought eventually. Constantly evolving and growing, preparing us for the onset of the Aquarian age.

When I first began with Ashtanga and went to Boulder to study with K. Pattabhi Jois for a week I wondered at this. There seemed to be many gay men there, and a few lesbians, but that subject was never brought up, not once. So I was asking about it and was responded to about how India looks at homosexuality as a whole, so why ask about something that his general upbringing had made him prejudiced against? Certainly I guess, but then the guy talking expounded a bit, saying how it really made no difference what Guruji thought because yoga was about your union with your divine self, not his union with his divine self, and so what really mattered was how I felt about it, right? Duh!

So then on to Anusara, they being Tantrically rooted were more accepting and would talk about it and basically told me the same thing--why does it matter what we think, what do you think? Its all about your connection to the divine, not mine! Duh!

So all of these paths of yoga, different, yet leading to the same goal have said the same thing, to my heart anyway, not necessarily straight from each teachers mouth but from the teachings to the openness of my mind and the connection I've created for myself to the universe, it only matters what I think. Because I create my reality right? You don't, nor you, nor you, just me and my mind create it.

So next week my gay friend who is also a yogi comes to town to teach some workshops on building ones inner fire through a yoga practice, burning the learning into oneself through the physicality of it all. It will be great to have him (check out his blog at www.yogiinthecity.blogspot.com) and have fellowship with another being trying to use yoga to create a better life and connection for himself. Also having met another gay yogi in St Louis recently I've found it nice to be able discuss yogic ideas and trains of thought with other gay men. My roommates as well, they are on their own path but are the kind of people who love to discuss this stuff too. It is nice to have that, something I've wanted for many years, gay people in my life who in it for more than just the partying, smoky bar, hook up lifestyle.

I've been wanting more for a while and put it out there long enough that now I'm open to it and drawing those like minded individuals to my life, and saying to the universe thanks for leading me to these teachings just so I could become okay with myself feeling how I feel, diving deeper into me and not worrying about what anyone else thinks of me. It only matters what I think of me and ultimately that doesnt' even matter, because the soul that uses this body for learning and teaching and growing, is already a piece of the greater soul out there and is okay with whatever comes out of me, because it is divine in and of itself.

So lets be gay, straight, bisexual, whatever we may be, just be the best, fullest, happiest, most loving versions of ourselves we can be and walk down the street with our heads held high, even as our beards get bigger and bigger (speaking of myself there! lol) and hair gets longer and longer and let the brightness that is our souls shine out through our skin, through our bright eyes and inspire others to want that same connection we have, to look to their own hearts to find it and become it.

Lets defy everything we're taught and be happy and peaceful and full of life and go forth into the world and Be Yoga!

Sat Nam, Sat Inder Singh

White Tantric Yoga

So I've attended my first White Tantric Yoga, from the kundalini yoga tradition as taught by Yogi Bhajan. It was about 9 hours of kundalini partner work that is usually very physically intense and mentally intense, but this one was less physically intense for me and more mental work.

I was partnered with a lovely lady named Gloria and we've since become fast friends. It was an experience like no other for sure. It was great that the facilitator, Satsimran Kaur Khalsa, was an irreverent, down to earth yogini who just happened to be the one who worked with Yogi Bhajan to create these White Tantrics for us, so it was very cool to be in her presence.

There were a couple others with us from St Louis and so it was a little community builder. Its as if once you've gone through one you and the people you're with are bonded more deeply, I guess because of the intensity of the situation. And I'm sure because of the kundalini yogis surrounding you. They are all just the most peaceful, down to earth, loving and helpful folks you could want to meet.

I have been glowing ever since, other than coming down a bit yesterday. Feeling a bit more angry and uptight, but it went away as soon as I relaxed around it and let it go. After Hugh (my roommate) and I went through the Surya Kriya this morning I felt just as awesome as I had since Saturday.

Not much else to say, since I haven't processed all of whats going on in my body and mind yet. It was powerful and the energy of it still courses through me, and just makes me happy and peaceful and not wanting to think so much, so when something comes to me I'll be blogging again!

Sat Nam, Sat Inder Singh

See the pot, not the paint

The above is a quote I shortened to this succinct statement. The full synopsis was written by Douglas Brooks in his Tantric interpretation of the Bhagavad Ghita. I'm not going to type out the complete quote because I think the shortened statement says it all.

The idea being that a pot is always the same pot it was even when you paint it blue. The blue is irrelevant because its the same clay pot underneath it. Meaning we are all the same underneath. Looking at it from a physical perspective we're all red blood, muscle tissue, veins, nerves and bones, no matter what color or how hairy or smooth or whatever the packaging looks like. I like to see it from a more metaphysical perspective, we're all casing for a soul. A soul, being a small piece of the larger divine, is always there floating around and commiserating with other souls until they decide to come into a body, then they are all just this physical ick and goo housing the soul. The soul being the animating factor to the physical body.

Since we're all the same, really, literally and figuratively why can't we all just get along. Yogi Bhajan is quoted as saying "if you can't see god in all, you can't see god at all." Sounds true to me, but it also sounds like a life of constant work. Most think of it as once you get enlightened or "get it," get the divine connection to our physicality, then the work is done. Not so, the work is never done as long as you are physical.

I imagine its why some yogis are known for just deciding their time is up and sitting down and leaving the body, which then passes on once it is no longer needed as housing for the spirit. They felt their message was spread as well as could be or they had taught as many as could hear them and they were no longer of use, so they left to continue their work in a non-physical form.

I like the idea of that. I have felt many times that I was uninspired at the time and how to get reinspired so that I could feel it necessary to keep teaching. Partly this is why I have sought out the teaching within the Kundalini Yoga tradition as taught by Yogi Bhajan. They connect me more to my spirit than any other thing I've ever found. Anusara comes close, but Anusara still feels too physically oriented to me. The philosophic teachings I've learned from John Friend, or Desiree or Douglas Brooks are amazing and I love and embrace them as my own but the breathwork and physical movements taught to me by thru my Kundalini practices complete make me know there is a spirit living in me and it is vital and wants to spread love and peace and joy, like nothing I've ever wanted before.

When you can feel as fucking awesome as I've been feeling lately, from a few moments of action and breath and from observing thought patterns and not allowing them to reach into that dark place they once felt so at home in, then you want to share it. Share it with anyone who will listen or try it or anyone who asks.

It also makes me want to embrace all forms of spiritual practice, whether I agree they feel spiritual or not, someone does and thats okay. Their connection is their connection and mine is mine, if they come to me for advice on how to connect I can show them my ideas of it, otherwise they follow their own path. Which is a new idea for me, once thinking the only way to find that yoking, or yoga, is the way I thought. So it may be a work in progress but it is one I'm now letting in. Let go and let god they say, right? lol

May the longtime sun shine upon you, all love surround you and the pure light within you guide your way on. Sat Nam!!!

chakras . . .

So, I'm having lots of trouble around my throat chakra. My sinuses have been draining intensely for over a week, but mostly manifesting in my throat, causing my voice to be hoarse, froggy or completely gone! (Some would not think this a bad think, lol).

So, I've done lots of kundalini, which has freed up my sinuses, cleared out and cloggy nose stuff. I've done some asana, which I do with ujjayi breath and that clears me out a lot too, maybe moreso than the shallow nostril breathing used in kundalini. And I've looked into myself a lot to see why on earth I may be manifesting this.

Kundalini yoga looks at the arms as an extension of the heart chakra and we've done lots of arms in class lately, and consequentely my heart has opened up a lot, but its tightened my shoulders, traps mostly and created a lot of heat in that area, and the throat stuff. SO that bumps into the throat chakra, which is looked on (when there is a problem in that area) as being someone not connecting their heart chakra to their throat chakra, thereby not speaking from their heart or not speaking their truth. I do think I am guilty of this. Most wouldn't believe it because I'm so bluntly honest most of the time, but that blunt honesty can also be a defense mechanism!

So my truth is changing and I'm not knowing where it is right now, so it seems hard to connect to that and speak it, you know? So I'm embracing the not knowing, the not having my finger completely on what destination to which I'm headed. Or at least I'm trying to embrace that! lol.

Abraham, whose teachings I've been completely working into my life (www.abraham-hicks.com) says that every cell in our body is a chakra. The heavy level of cells it takes to make up a gland in our systems just makes those areas more intense and heavy energetically, and therefor the Eastern focus on those areas. So maybe I need to not focus so much on just the throat or thyroid and parathyroid glands, maybe I just need to focus on liberating each cell, on its own and think of the space between them, which when you look at cells from a quantum perspective there are millions of miles between each one, even in the clustered areas such as our glands and organs. Think of it freeing up on a subatomic level, make each and every cell feel the energy travelling through it and around it.

Kundalini yoga works on your body on a cellular level, changing it as you pass thru a tough challenge, works on your third chakra (solar plexus), your commitment or willpower chakra. Strengthens it and opens it up. That area used to be my biggest problem and as I stick with it, I'm moving past it as a problem and thru the Anusara and kundalini yogas have opened up my heart chakra and now have moved up to the throat. And through figuring my truth out will also move past that area and free up everything and make myself a conduit for truth and energy in all its forms, and hopefully be able to use that to help all my students do the same for themselves.

I've done one kundalini class this morning and I think I'll go to the other one tonight at 5:30, in hopes that I am digging deeper into my issues and freeing them up via physical bodywork and energetic work and letting go of them. Letting go really is the key! When I was on Maui in 2002 studying ashtanga with one of the first Americans to learn the system from Guruji, K. Pattabhi Jois; Nancy Gilgoff, a girl staying with her, Betsy I believe, said to me just let go and love--thats all you need to know, just let go and let love come thru. Letting go, quit holding on to anything, to whatever we cling to to trick ourselves into believing makes us feel better, really is the key to freedom. Freedom in our bodies, freedom in our lives, freedom in our minds, freedom in our relationships, to others, to god, to the world, to whatever. Let go and let god as they say . . .

Sat Nam

Desiree Rumbaugh

The above mentioned is my Anusara teacher, my main Anusara teacher anyway. She is an amazing individual who has taught me how to figure myself out more than anyone else thus far.

She was in town this weekend and I got to spend the whole time learning more from her, discussing things at lunch and during class, demonstrating things for her in class and I feel inspired and completed, but also worn out. She is a tough one and you work hard in her classes to line up your body so that the spirit/energy, whichever or whatever you like to call it, can flow through the body with more ease.

The one thing I notice is that it builds up a lot of energy around my second chakra, the sexual center, which is fine and dandy but I am also doing a 40 day commitment to celibacy, no masturbation, nothing. That is for personal reasons, best explained at another time.

That said I don't need a lot of energy built up right there right now so I woke up this morning did my kundalini 11 minute 1000 day meditation then proceeded to do a kriya that is to balance the energy of the lower chakras with the upper chakras. So far, so good. It feels like its working and I feel better than I have in a long time!

I believe the Anusara has helped me learn how to open up my heart and let the energy and love both in and out, but the Kundalini is helping me to arrange the energy in my body where its most needed and when its most needed there. They are complimentary to one another for me and my life at this time. That may change but for now they are amazingly changing me for the better. I feel more love and am feeling that I am able to allow more love in, to receive it. Receiving it has always been a problem for me but hopefully not for much longer!

THIS is the year of change for me, I am embracing this as my life and using the tools that I've learned over the past 9 years to finally open myself up, my heart and my life. To experience everything more fully and more fully being to bring love into it and not just to emit the love but to also receive it from whomever is giving it.

If the age of Aquarius is truly in bloom and dawning at this very time and its all about love and releasing the habits or holdings on maybe(?) from the Piscean era, which was the me era, all about us, selfishness, to a selfless and loving existence count me in! I'm ready for it and am finally using the tools I've learned over the years to change and open up.

Sat Nam!

This year

So, I kept having feelings that this year would be a big deal. Just in the since that the manifestations and energy in my life are finally lining up and going to make my teaching more lucrative and send me on a life adventure that I can only imagine, right now anyway. I also keep feeling this is finally the year I'm going to move, don't know why, but everything is pointing that direction.

So I began my kundalini practice more regularly again and decided to ask for a spiritual name from the 3HO organization which is the hub of the kundalini yoga experienced in this country and they, going off my astrology and the path I lead in life granted me the name Sat Inder Singh. Sat meaning truth, Inder meaning divine consciousness and Singh (which all males get) meaning lion of god. So I'm the lion of god who lives in truth and divine consciousness. WOW, now thats a name right?

But the most interesting thing happened to me as I slept that night, the name swirling around in my consciousness, and I awoke with a purpose in life--to commit myself to living up to the expectations of that name. I want to deserve to be called that! So now I find myself planning deeper things, workshops, messages for a class, working towards feeling as if I've earned that name.

And I feel lighter and more connected to source than ever before. I feel more driven to practice, not just asana or kundalini at a set time of day, but all day long--doing the exact thing Ghandi is known for stating, being the change I wish to see in the world.

I'm amazed at how I feel inside, its most uncanny, especially for someone who sits in such a negative space normally. The yoga has finally begun to work its magic and the catalyst was a name telling me how powerful I am, things I thought I already knew about myself, but maybe I needed the little push to believe it. Its just amazing.

I fall more and more in love with life and the way it works as I get to understand it more and more each day. I fall more and more in love with people all around me as I see them more and more to be the manifestations of the divine that they really are. I see more and more and I do create my own reality and when I'm in that dumpy place I can get so easily that the money isn't there, the opportunities aren't there, hell the life isn't there! So I'm chosing to live my life so fully and intentionally that I'll never be able to head that direction again!

Sat Nam, Keith

Change/evolution

Well, finally I'm back to writing again, hopefully regularly this time and after just watching inaugeration address and the following speeches I chose to call this entry change.

We all change, everything evolves. Human, beast, rock, river, air, absolutely everything moves forward. But how well do we embrace that growth? How often do we hold on so tightly to the past, even get attached to it in an unhealthy way? I think most of us do it most of the time.

I fancy myself someone who embraces change and growth and yet I've allowed an attachment to persist so much so that it was to my detriment. Trust me, there is probably more than this one thing but this one thing is what inspired me to write today.

I began, as most people know, my yoga career with ashtanga. Practiced it 6-7 days a week, sometimes twice a day and even taught only it for many years. It was my life and I loved it and loved sharing it with others, until ... I got invited to teach a power vinyasa class. This idea threw me for a loop, do I do the same sequencing? do I do this... or that? What the hell do I do?

So I just went in and got quiet inside and let the class come out of my mouth, never knowing the next move and when I got caught up and thought in the middle of the class I got lost and had to let go again and let it flow out of me and it was awesome!

That one event is what changed my idea that ashtanga was the end all be all of my existence. Now I kept practicing it another 4 years, up until last July, but my mind opened to other possibilities which led me to a weekend workshop with Mitchel Bleier in which I was introduced to Anusara. What an eye opening that was for me? You mean I can open up my body with these alignments and I dont' have to hurt anymore?!? What?!?

So that started a process and as of last July, after attending a workshop at Kripalu Yoga Center with Desiree Rumbaugh I have not practicing the ashtanga sequencing with its fast pacedness and have embraced a bigger teaching. I still teach vinyasa (flow between postures), I just do it now with alignment pointers throughout and stopping periodically to workshop a pose and how to do it, get it to where everyone can attempt it.

The thing I mentioned earlier was that I still had one ashtanga class left, in Collinsville, at the same place I taught my first class. They loved it so I held onto it, but as my passion for it waned they could tell and slowly attendance dropped off and eventually completely failed most of the time. So I came to a decision last week to let go of it, and now the river of life is flowing through me again and pushing me forward and bringing me more opportunities and students. It was like that one rock left from my past blocked the flow of the whole goddamn river!

I feel so inspired to teach, every time I teach now and feel love and acceptance from students towards my teachings and even though I have two more weeks to teach that class, the old students have contacted me and are coming back to attend the class one or two last times just for posterities sake.

Its cool to observe this happening and feel it happening. Opening my life up to the change and to the new things that can be coming my way, opening my mind up to that change, embracing the new direction and letting go to follow it happily. It reminds me of the teachings of Abraham, from Esther Hicks, you have to make peace with where you are and then allow the things you want in. They call it the Art of Allowing, and if you put out there what you want but hold onto it so tightly it will never have the space to get to you, but if you put it out there and then step out of the way and live your life as if its already yours then it will become yours, does become yours.

I foresee great things for myself, and for those all around me and hope I can inspire others to embrace the letting go and allowing the good into their lives. Including anyone who reads this!!!

Namaste,

Keith