Emotions

Spring is a time when emotion tends to run rampant, or so I hear. I'm not usually subject to this phenomenon at least until this year. This year I'm having a major meltdown and am told Mercury is in retrograde on top of that and being a Gemini, ruled by Mercury, my existence as a whole will be majorly affected and turned on its head.

I don't know how much credence I put into that astrology stuff, but I tell you, I'm not having a great time.

After doing so much kundalini lately which has helped balance me, I'm finding it has also stirred up a lot of shit within me. It only took me meeting someone that I was willing to let in to start the landslide, but boy has that landslide started happening. I fear I'll be lost under all the rubble falling on me, mentally at least.

So where is the yoga in all this? I've practiced for 10 years now and am told of all of these great benefits of equanimity and such that are the boons of said practice. So where is my equanimity, my peace of mind, my balance, my ability to not let the emotions control me but to just feel them and observe them? I'm not sure, at all.

I just brings to mind what my friend Michael Faith teaches, everything in his classes revolves around the heart. The energy of the heart, I'm finding anyway, is an amazingly strong thing that is not to be reckoned with! I began the opening thru my Anusara practice and the kundalini only exacerbated that opening til the point now where I'm a mess. Maybe the heart energy really is the strongest thing on the planet, you know like, All You Need Is Love?!? Maybe once you unleash it its just that powerful and overwhelming so as to not be controlled, even through yogic techniques? If so, I'm fucked because I'm having a major unleashing and I mean major!

Well, maybe not a mess, maybe just falling in love. Falling for someone I don't even know how he feels about me even though others tell me they believe he feels the same, just doesn't want to miss me while he's gone on an upcoming month long trip and therefor is being standoffish. Falling for someone who tells me the trouble he had getting over his ex and how it will be a long time before he can befriend him and yet he keeps spending time with him this week, instead of me! Selfish I know, but this is my blog after all, right?Falling for someone who used to answer my texts almost before I was finished typing them and then a week later can't get an answer at all! Falling for someone whom one night we're making out and arousing each other and then a week later he won't even let me try to arouse him because he doesn't want to be intimate with me before he leaves because it will be easier.

What does he think intimate is? Intimate is the walks we've taken, the talks we've had, the kisses we've shared, the day we spent text flirting all day long. Sex, poo on sex (dont' get me wrong, I like it and want it), give me the rest!

One thing that disappoints me in myself is this, I am the biggest proponent that happiness comes from within, trying to teach people that on a daily basis. And I was happy up until Sunday, now I'm just miserable. And why? Why am I allowing someone else affect my yoga, my connection to my inner divinity? The key word being allowing. No one can do this to me, I have to be allowing them to do it, and that puts it back on my shoulders. Where is my inner strength, inner peace? What have I done with it? Again, maybe the heart energy is just that fucking strong, strong enough that even the strongest will (like mine) is affected. And why release that energy in a direction in which I'm feeling almost no reciprocation anymore? Maybe the energy knows better than I do, maybe its being drawn in a way that I've asked for it to? I did ask for a spiritually aware, loving, interesting, super smart, sexy, no nonsense guy who does yoga and/or has some sort of equivilant of an asana practice didn't I? Yes, I did. And the universe pushed it in front of me, only to take it away for a month a few weeks later.

Maybe that month will be the best thing thats happened between us. It will give him time to go away and forget how much I've driven him nuts wanting to be around him all the time, and give me time to create some distance. Maybe enough distance that when he's back I can have some composure and a bit more equanimity with him and myself and just let the things unfold the way they are going to, rather than trying to force anything. Hmmm.

Oh well, just ponderings here. Trying to find the yoga, the balance, within the situation. In a very public forum I realize but maybe thats how to do it? Just put it out there and let the universe come back with some answers. Hopefully, anyway.

Sat Nam