A whole new era

Wow, I just found this blog again. An entry I'd posted came up in a facebook memory. I'm not sure if I should keep writing in it anymore because I don't think people read blogs anymore, do they? So, since I last wrote I lived with Guruji for year and enjoyed it, but had a LOT of growing pains. I then lived in Dehradun for 6 months, then New Jersey for two months, then Kōln for a month, then back to Guruji's for 6 months, then to Frankfurt for three months, then back to Mysore and now I'm back in Dehradun. What a ride! But I'm more concerned with my inner journey which has begun to blossom exponentially, and then take a few steps back, then back forward again and now it seems to be at a stand still, though not going backwards. I miss the moving forward times though. It's funny where life take you, and how you participate in the creation of it. And yes, we do participate even if it's allowing default action to create the next stages. That also is our choice and I am very guilty of allowing this, especially the last month in Mysore before I left for Dehradun again. I allowed all the shit in that I could find, or so it would seem. Now I'm in a financial quandry and unsure what to do or where to go. One big thought is that it's finally time to let it all go. NO, not kill myself, but to completely surrender to the yogic process. The tantrik process. Just to move into being a sadhu, of sorts. Live the teachings and do my sadhana, trust that Maa will provide and live in that trust without doubt. I grow weary of having to have enough money to leave India, and to get back, and to purchase my visa. When I'm living at Guruji's one thing I can be for sure of is that I'll have a bed in my room and food. No need for worry. I like excitment so always want a scooter so that I can move around the city at least, but that really isn't necessary also. But here I am on the precipice of needing to leave again and purchase a new visa while I'm gone, and then again come back if and when that visa is approved. Then in six months have to do it again. I was planning to do it this time, but I still had a bit of money left then and after that was finished. Going to just stay and be where I really want to be, at Guruji's, with him and learning, doing my sadhana, teaching when asked and whatever else came up. Now I'm here hoping I make enough in this month to cover these expenses and then again I could just go back to his place and begin now, couldn't I? But should I? I don't want to get him in trouble but then again I don't think I would... Hmmm, here I am wondering.

Shakta Bhakta Tantrik Ashtangi...???

So, it's been a while. I find I'm writing more on Facebook than anywhere else since I opened a new page more geared towards the devotional aspects of my yogic life. Many will say devotion? Yoga? What do the two have to do with one another. But to me they are both part and parcel of the same path, and must be.

I just read a great article about being a Shakta Bhakta, which means a person who generally has ecstatic devotion to a female deity, or Devi/Goddess, and it was centered in West Bengal which is mostly still an area where worshipping Kali is very common and they put her as the ultimate reality, but it was also about using yoga in that path. Again, many who understand the two concepts would say what? how? They don't even go together, but in the article they mentioned how in Bengal they are the same system, one tempers the other. And all of this is Tantra, which could mean technique, but also means the looming together of all things, the weaving of a thread, so it takes them all and puts them in one perspective. Or as my Guruji says "Tantra means everything!"

Many who have felt the Goddess presence in their life in whatever way, will take up yoga as a way to get the emotions under control and open up the energy channels to allow the flow of Her energy through them, but to not allow that energy to overwhelm them and drive them insane. Where for me the process was the opposite...

I started yoga during a time I was repressing myself to such a level that I often had headaches and was trying to escape my body via stories, movies or books and then using the fantasy they created within me to go further away and divorce myself from the feeling of repression in my body. The yoga got me so in touch with my body that it felt bad to keep drinking the way I was, although I fought that for years until I realized I had to surrender to the need to drink less, if at all. It also helped me know which foods were working for me and which were not, even to drink soda, or tea, or water, etc. It also brought me to reflect on the amount of sex I was having, the type of people I was comingling with and how damaning my attitude toward sex was reflective of my attitude towards leaving my body!

Once I started finally going to India and got involved with the deities there, Kali worked her way into my life, and now Prathyangira, a deeper form of Kali from another tradition. This led me to understand I'd always been a devoted sort of being. Always looked for the Gods to manifest within my person and was disappointing me when they/he/she, whomever I was worshipping at the time, did not jump into my body and give me an ecstatic experience with them possessing me if you will, or talkng to me in my mind, showing me the way in some aspects. Then it dawned on me they were, She was, through my instincts and urges to turn this way, drive that way, to go here, there, to climb this tree, to walk in that stream, etc. And then I realized that Tantra was working it's way into my life too, through the western version, outside in, where they focuses on the sexual pleasure of it.

When I finally met a teacher who taught me that Tantra really is about devotion to a deity and must include a deity to keep it within the self. So to focus on sex needs to slowly go deeper than the flesh and make it's way into your heart, through intention, through focus, through certain "rules and regulations" and then it's still Tantra. Where the form she was teaching me was to start within, creating the experience within the being through ritual, through chanting, through embodying the intention behind each name of Kali we were chanting, what it meant would be able to soak in and vibrate the body to a higher frequency, and then you could feel Her in your life, in your being, guiding you...

Now my Guruji has moved me into the knowledge that all of this is one path, all of it is Tantra. He tells of the Vedas and how they say you can be a yogi, or a bhogi. Bhoga being the path of enjoyment and pleasure, of the world. Yoga being the path of going within and finding that connection, that Yoking that yoga really is. Where the Tantrik shastras state both can be the same thing. If you are a Bhogi and are offering up your experiences, the pleasures and enjoyments of life, to your deity, to something deeper within you, and drawing your sense inward, then it is yoga too. '

Some will say that is the path for asceticism, but no, it's not. It's saying to have the pleasures, enjoy them, see God in them and use that energy to deeper your awareness within, enjoy it and find the pleasure in there and gain the ability to share it with others in your life too. BUT not to allow the pleasures to suck you in to where you only care about the pleasure of it, rather than using the energy for transformation. Transformation meaning to fully embody the holy, energetic, Godlike energy we are and have access too, bring it to the surface. Let you be it, and it be you. Live from this place and then you will be fully living, not half dead or fully dead as so many are while yet still "alive" in a body.

Ashtanga Yoga, as a Hatha Yoga system is a Tantrik practice. It is used to bring awareness to such a deep level, but also to open the body up so it's healthy, so the energy flows into every corner. And for me it opened me up to the possibility of being in my body, inhabiting it, and yet using that energy that was coming accessible for more. To create and amazing life for myself, to transform myself into the fullest being I can be, so that then I would be able to bring this to my students as I teach them the yoga practices. And as Guruji slowly teaches me more and more, or will once I'm finally able to get back to him (he does still teach me but in person the transmission is so much more complete) he wants me to keep teaching Ashtanga Yoga to everyone who wants to learn it, and then when a student comes to me and wants to learn more I can teach them what he is and will teach me.

It's an exciting prospect. I look forward to being there one day. I love teaching asana, but I also love the idea of teaching all the yogic disciplines in a way that it will be a Tantrik practice and help them in their whole life. So what am I? All those words I listed above? Yes, and more. And so are you...

Easter morning...

So I've started to write something several times and then just dropped it because it seemed like I was whining and there's really no need to add to that vibration in the world, but now I finally feel ready to put something down.

Just a month ago was the year anniversary of this new world we're all living in, not really new but for most of us a whole different way of being happened. Even though this has happened, and in the not too distant past, those alive right now mostly have not had to deal with this before. It also canceled my in person classes, launched many of us into online teaching and a lot of time alone with no more hugs and such...

Just Thursday I received the Johnson and Johnson one shot vaccine. I never intended to get a vaccine, never have in my adult life before, not that I'm against them. Then I discovered it would be easier to travel with proof of having had the vaccine so decided to go ahead and find this one shot instead of needing two. I've never loved needles or the sensation of them going into my skin or oozing whatever serum into my body, blecchhh, so one was my goal. I found it and usually once a week I borrow one of my students car so I did that and went to an open event at this pharmacy about 25 minutes away...

Waiting was the worst part, in line no less on concrete, but mostly because then I can take time to really get all fucked up in my head about the needle thing. The good part was I was the last one to receive it and they sent all those behind me home, which wasn't terribly fair to them but they were going to call and get them appointments to come in so worked out. The doctor was Indian and recognized my name as a Punjabi one so we had stuff to talk about, especially when he found out I spend a lot of time in Mysore then he wanted to talk about dosa. Even told me where to get the best one in Columbia, the town nearest here that has a large Indian population so I drive there sometimes for temples and dosa.

When I left I felt light headed but figure it was from all the self imposed anxiety I'd brought on myself but was otherwise functional. About 8-8:30pm is when I started feeling very woozy, so went to bed around 9. That's when it started. I woke up at midnight with chills so bad I thought I was freezing, achey joints, especially my back and the base of skull. 3am woke up again with fever, full body pain and a full blown headache. 5am woke up with all of those together, but with a bit less of each one if that makes sense. Then 7am woke up and just lie there feeling all of it, eventually watched The Falcon and the Winter Soldier's new episode but I'll have to watch it again because I was out of it. All day long I mostly lie in bed, my head feeling like it weighed a ton, my hips and legs feeling they were detached and weighed a ton each, so going to the bathroom periodically I'd really have to hold onto the walls, bedposts, and would feel like I could barely make it back to the bed.

Then around 3pm I woke up, having fallen back asleeep around 1 and I thought I could get up, so took a shower, ate a cheese sandwich, sat in the recliner I've brought into the bedroom to read in, for about 2 hours, then I chanted, meditated, tried to create a higher vibration in which healing can happen and by then had to lie back down again. Not like go to sleep, I was not tired, but just on the bed and watched shows online til pretty late, then retired for the night.

Then I slept all night long, no waking up til 7 the next morning, I think I fell asleep around 11. This was yesterday morning, Saturday, and I felt energetic, not hugely but a bit, so did some slow Surya Namaskara A and B, then sat in padmasana and did pranayama. Felt good, showered, chanted, did my morning pooja, ate breakfast, then I felt worn out, so sat most of the day, talked on the phone a bit which was good, but didn't have a lot of physical energy all day long, yet again stayed up late, was not sleepy, was just tired physically and so lying around felt good. But by bed time I felt really good.

Which leads to this morning, I woke up felt energetic again, thought I'd try some yoga and see what happened with no judgment if I could only do a bit like the day before. Started did Surya As and Bs, then all of standing, slowly, but not too slowly, then moved through one posture at a time, one vinyasa at a time and ended up doing full primary series with all the vinyasas as it's taught these days, then a little pranayama, then my shower, pooja, meditation, breakfast and ordered a pizza and am now writing. I'm still not tired, I'm very high feeling, like air heady high lol, but am very happy to feel this way after two full days of feeling otherwise.

Now, here's the thing, I've not done full primary with all the vinyasas since this pandemic began. I think it was even since January last year, or the December before that. In Tucson I was having stuff go on with my body and I lost a lot of my practice so what I could mostly was half primary with no vinyasas in between sides and that was only sometimes. The last few months I was doing it more often, but still less vinyasas. So this morning was anomalous to me, and that I'm not sore and not feeling worn out is quite amazing. My friend Karen had joked about this being a super-soldier serum (my words from the Captain America movies and this series I mentioned earlier) and it would give me lots of energy and more strength, and I knew she was joking but it seems to have happened.

I did yesterday a two hour online course with Abraham, all pointing to the fact I needed to get inside my own mind and straighten things out and that was their solution to every problem, as it always is, but I got the message. I needed to get my state of mind in a better feeling place and then all of my seemingly external issues I have been having will take care of themselves, let alone this physical stuff going on from the vaccine, and so I worked last night to visualize and feel myself into a better place, and that seems to have worked.

I've done this Abraham work since 2006 and so I know this, but when you get so low you forget and you keep forgetting until you get a reminder, which I now have. So I'm embracing where I am, and what I'm doing now even though neither are ideal, they are great for right now and helping me get back to where I want to be, need to be, both mentally and physically. And it's working. I've already gotten two appointments for this next week in addition to the ones I already had and have had some great conversations with people that inspired me, so there you go. As the sutras says yoga is all about the mind, as many other texts state too, it's all happening in our mind and we can control that with the right tools, so I've utilized mine and will continue too. I'm not in the clear yet, so gotta keep the focus going, but I'm better than I was a week ago, and definitely better than a month ago!

Next location...

Well, I'm in my next location. Somewhere I've never been before, Myrtle Beach, SC. It's a quaint little town that is on the ocean and where I'll be staying is walking distance to the ocean, but for now I'm staying at my friends house.

In perusing her yoga books I found a book on Tantra by David Hawley, well known for his books on the sub-continent. But his wife, Shambavi Chopra, is who changed my life with her book Yogic Secrets of the Dark Goddess. I was afraid of Kali before that book, but during my reading of it slowly fell in love with her and invited her into my life. Not that you have a choice, once she shows up, she is in there whether you like it or not! And so it goes...

The book is a generic overall of the things I mostly know already, but put in a much simpler tone that even surprised me when it poked some things I thought I knew already. I'm just skimming through it and glancing at whatever jumps out at me and yet it's still having some profound aha moment effects!

I'm to the point of just about complete bottom, and this is apparently where I needed to be. My finances are completely gone, my students and teaching Ashtanga Yoga is completely gone. Amongst other things, it seems that she wasn't going to let me settly for any level of comfort, and so she slowly took it all away from me. All my preconcienved notions I have of who I am, or rather of identifying who I am with what I do and the external things that come from that are being smashed, even now as I look right at them. And I'm seeing that that is okay and with it I wouldn't be this clean slate I'm becoming. A clean slate is where we are meant to be, and yet why do some of us fight against that so hard on a daily basis?

I remember seeing two women arguing in Mysore on my first trip, looking almost like they'd come to blows, but did not. Then the next day holding hands as they walked down the street, completely seemingly oblivious of the previous days argument. Someone told me oh yes, they let go of things here on a deep level. The underlying thing was their love for one another and friendship, that couldn't be affected by their surface level argument, so they are letting the disagreeing about that subject go. That blew my mind and made me realize we in the US, probably in most places, have a lot to learn about attachment.

So, I still have a place to stay, a bed to sleep in, food to eat so far, and so I guess there are new levels for me to go to still but the ideas of myself, who I am, who I want to be, who I think others see me as, are being called to task, and so my work is to let them go. Not as easy as it may sound of course, but here I am.

I lie in bed thinking myself into a depression this morning, and lie there longer until I saw a bit of hope and remembering my Abraham and Seth teachings started to shift my mind about them, finding some things to appreciate and raise my vibration enough until I could finally get out of bed, do a bit of asana and pranayama, shower, do my pooja and visualizations, sit with them, then read a bit of that book and now write. So I'm okay, just feeling my way through this stage of existence. Also doing my best to try and not just be waiting for India to open up their borders and allow me back in so I can get to my guru and start my studies with him. I'm trying to be here now and work with what is there before me, not always an easy task when what you want seems so far off, but here it is in an okay place to be.

I fought hard to keep my connection to Tucson and Arizona, even staying there 3 weeks longer than I was supposed to and now seeing that I should have left when I was supposed to and move on from there, but I didn't do that and that is okay. Now I know, they no longer want what I have to offer, and I no longer feel an attachment to teaching there, the places there or the things I left behind. Maybe, at least mostly, there are a few things and friends there that I do miss, and will, but I'm not there anymore and likely never will be again, so move on man, move on!

Okay, enough ruminating, enough being where I am no longer. Time to be here, and move into whatever is coming into play in this east coast ocean town. I invite it all in and see how the flow works here, won't you join me?

Retreat...

Well, this past year has been a strange adventure. Most of the time I have not been happy with it and complained a lot but then I started to appreciate what I was getting out of it and it shifted, is still shifting and I'm waivering on my positivity like crazy but am doing my best.

I was supposed to leave Tucson in May to go visit family for a week, then to Budapest to teach for a month before heading back to India to do a little tour around to a few Shakti Peeths that I really wanted to see and feel the energy of, Kamakhya again of course, and Varanasi which I want to make peace with after a turbulent last time there and then back to live with my Guruji indefinitely. But of course that didn't happen.

So I found a place to stay and stayed in Tucson until the exact day that I had arrived the year before. On that day my sister and I took a long drive back to my moms house, where I stayed for about 5 weeks. Then I moved to Omaha and lived with my cousin, visited with my aunt for about another 5 weeks. Before heading back to Tucson to dog sit where I had been staying before I left, only to end up staying at my friends off the grid desert house for another 3 weeks about an hour and a half from Tucson.

Deciding I would make these three weeks a retreat of sorts, thinking I needed to re-kickstart my asana practice and dig deeper into my daily poojas. Only to find out after 20 years of asana I'm still pretty good with it and the poojas are good too. So started driving into the local little mountain town, Bisbee, and really found I loved it a lot. Met a few people around town there and a few in Sierra Vista, another local town. Discovered some spiritual sites, some great hiking spots, etc. If you're connected to me on Facebook or Instagram you can see pics of most of these things there.

But I am ready for the next phase of my journey. It's too cold here in the desert for my liking when there's not the ability to turn on the heat very often and I need to live in a place of my own, not feeling like I'm under someone's feet or living off of them.

The next stage is back to Tucson for a day then to Phoenix to fly out to Myrtle Beach, a place I've never been. But a long time student and friend of mine lives there and actually has been trying to get me there for a while and has a house for me to stay in until India finally reopens their borders to the likes of me, a tourist.

Somehow I'm still on a tourist visa in India, even though I feel like I belong there and have more connections there than here. I would even take citizenship if it were an option, but it's not yet. Unless I can find the right help to work on it with their way of doing things, lol. But I digress.

So I'm hoping to teach in Myrtle Beach, enjoy the area, maybe more, who knows. I've never been, but do know it's warmer, is on the ocean and I don't believe will get snow, which is anethama to me. That starts Saturday, it's Tuesday and the days seem very slow. But from being out here my mind is mostly very quiet and I'm feeling pretty peaceful. So, on with it...

Strange times...

I know this phrase is over used, and that is exaclty why I used it as the title of this article. These actually are very normal times, the planet creates a new virus every so often to cull the population that is slowly taking it over. I could have just said culling the herd, but that may not sit very well with anyone. And we're all fucking tired of it, so that's all I'll be saying about that. What I'm really tired of is being locked out of India, it is my home. No, not legally, I do know that, but in my heart. And yes I would like to make it legal and get citizenship there. Once I get back and to my guruji there will be some things to come up that can help that happen, universe? You listening? Good... Neither is this post to just bitch about things as they are right now. That's happening way too much these days methinks and I'm over it. It's time to appreciate things, to shift our focus and to make peace with the way things are and move through them. My "normal" life for the past 5 years was to live in India and travel to Europe to teach, make euros, then back to India to live, maybe travel around and experience new places, but mostly live in Mysore. So when I got this gig in Tucson I was excited because I would make decent money, but then when I returned to Mother India I could travel around to some Shakti Peeths before settling in with my Guruji and his family near Mysore. And was getting to teach in a new place, Budapest, before going back. I was very excited and happy for this phase of my life. But, of that didn't happen. All things changed last year. But that afforded me to go inside, and now staying at my friends place out here in the desert, off the grid, is the final chapter of that going within. And being mostly alone out here I'm really getting to see my crap when it comes up, but also I'm seeing those things that I thought were shot that are not. Seeing all the good stuff that is still there for me as well. I had been having a terribly hard time getting so early to practice the last few months, and here my goal was to restart my practice. To my surprise it's just been sitting there waiting for me, and is fine. Getting to sleep to a more decent hour and then do it at my own pace has proven to be quite the surprise. I figured I'd be struggling through it again, but no, it's just like hey, here we are and there you are, finally come back to us. Now let's do this together, again. That was nice to discover. And my poojas that I do daily, I've been doing them for a while, so they are set and good. I was just looking to find the juice in them again, and I have started to, which is also nice. The quiet here, that was surprising how nice that has been. I love it. And they have place where they light fires often so I'm treating it as my smashan and meditating as an Aghori would on a dead body, next to it, feeling my layers burn away. That is also nice, along with taking walks in the desert. Relearning how to focus and create my reality in the way that I want it, and accept it when it's not there yet. That has been the biggest reason for this retreat, and that I feel I'm achieving. Also to find that deep faith I once had, not just focusing on how to make enough money, or to be somewhere that I'm not, and be someone I'm not, yet. All thsoe things are falling away too, and I'm finding that okayness with them as they are. That feels nice too. So I guess everything is just nice right now. And I'll take it, nice is so much better than where I was. And is a good place to start working on where you are and where you're heading. Nice. Not a word I like or use very often, but for sure a word I'm happy to feel and be a part of these days. These strange days...

Sadhana...

I remember the first time I heard this word, it was when I was in Boulder, Colorado after a practice led by K. Pattabhi Jois one morning. I was sitting with a group, none of whom I knew, but we were all in it together so I was just absorbing what I could.

'

One lady was talking about taking off for a year and was just working on her sadhana, and blah, blah, blah. I don't remember everything, just that I had never heard that word before. Now, I am pretty smart and from the context she used it in figured out she meant her daily yoga practice, or at least I thought that's what she meant. So when I arrived home, at the families' house I was put up with, I asked Mary Lou about it and she confirmed that it probably did mean that, and maybe her other practices, such as meditation, chanting, etc. Things all in the "yoga" wheelhouse, so yoga was her sadhana. Whatever that meant to her.

That stuck with me and I realised I had some reading to do, so I read every book that I could find about yoga, and realised that sadhana could mean different things to different people and no one could really judge that, it was up to you what was your "spiritual" practice. So sadhana basically means a daily spiritual practice, or even a daily discipline.

The last few years as I've gotten deeper into Tantrik practices my idea of sadhana has shifted. I feel very fulfilled by them in a different way than I ever did by my asana practice, although my asana practice has always been important to me. I seem to have lost the link to the fire that made my asana practice a sadhana, and would like it back. My daily sadhana is still there, but the physical side has been lacking.

Now, I'm still practicing daily, I just have more and more trouble getting up so early, going to bed so early and finding the motivation to do it at those early morning hours like I used to. I like to practice before I teach, Sharath likes us to practice before we teach because then we're really in tune with the students, and getting up at 4am I enjoy, 5am even better, but earlier than that is killing me these days. And in order to do all the things I like to do to feel really balanced and in top form I need to begin the asana part of my sadhana by 3am, or a bit earlier is even better.

I know to many of you this sounds crazy, and to me sometimes it does as well, but it's the norm for most Ashtanga Yoga teachers, and has been the norm for me since Pattabhi looked at me in Boulder at one evening conference and said "You, getting up 4am, before working, doing sadhana early morning, whole life changing, whole life!" And I went home, whined about it to my then partner who then poked and prodded me that if I was taking this man as my guru, or teacher at least, and he made a suggestion then I should at least honour that by trying it, if it didn't work then okay, but at least try and honour him by attempting to make it work. Oddly enough, this is one of the things that also broke us up, but that's another story...

So I did, and it was hard at first, but delightful. And I do love not being like the "normal" people all around me, I like to be the weird one. This made me really weird, even though no one but me knew it, so I was able to continue it for some years, actually until 2008 when I stopped Ashtanga for a time, but I began Kundalini and they did sadhana even earlier in the morning, so it stayed with me until that last year in India, when I was practicing with Sharmila Desai at 6am, and then when in Mysore for the following 8 months was also practicing starting at some time between 5am and 7am. Now it's just not in me anymore. A couple days a week I can do it and love it, then the other days I'm fumbling around trying to figure out when to do it, when to eat so doing it is possible, etc.

But I digress, this was about finding the motivation to pull my asana practice back into the sadhana category in my mind, and once I can get there the getting up early won't be such a problem anymore. I'm working on it now, even as I type this. But am still not finding the how or the why, the why being the most important part. But I know the why, the asana practice moves my energy, keeps my body happy and healthy and functioning well, helps my mind stay in a good place and it keeps my emotions from burying themselves in my body anywhere.

I started having trouble here with my practice some time in December, I thought maybe it was because of taking all these different mushrooms and their effect on my body which mostly had been good, but also made me a bit tighter. I think it could also be product of the effect of the desert on this body, which has been anything but good. The mind seems to still be okay, the body seems to be the only victim of the desert. And the feeling of Maa is very strong here, but that keeps my mind in a good place too, so maybe it actually is that? Who knows. What I need to figure out it is how to do it anyway, and move through this phase in my life, in my practice, in my sadhana and use this sadhana to keep the fires burning, the tapas of which makes me a better teacher, a better yogi, a better Tantrik practitioner, all of which makes me a better human being and that is all I can hope for. To be the best me that I can be...

The new world..

Well, it's been a while. Sorry. I was feeling overwhelmed much of the time. I even found a draft I'd started in December that I never posted. And then this pandemic, virus thing took over the world and all went to hell.

Not sure if anything in my life changed though, really I guess it hasn't. Other than teaching Ashtanga Yoga on zoom. Which is a very weird thing, it's not something I'd have said is possible before and I'm still not sure if I agree it is possible, but here we are. I'm also going to different folks houses though and broadcasting from there, teaching the others as best I can through the screen.

I hated it at first, thought there was no way I could continue doing it, it made me feel crazy. But they loved it so much that I kept it up and eventually it grew on me. Now, I will always prefer in person, but again, here we are. Right now I don't have much choice even though Arizona did open everything back up so if we had a space I could teach, if any of them would come that is. Not sure if they would, some would, but others probably not. Many will likely chastise me for teaching those in person who I am, even though it was a grown up choice between me and them, not any of anyone else's business. So if you are in the mood to do that, think twice about it. I've had enough of people telling me how to live my life.

Now I"m hosting once a week a class here where I've moved to, in with a student and friend who offered. It's a lot of space and is nice to have people come practice here since the other space is no longer available. The lady who hosted me pretty much quick speaking to me and offered the job to another of the students I was teaching when she does reopen, likely next month. She also asked me to move out, so I'm thankful to be where I am. Everything feels much nicer, not have to deal with her moods and such, but I do wonder if I'm still stuck here for a while longer and we can finally have group classes where I will teach, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Also, I"m not bitching, so don't feel sorry for me or think I need a hug, although a hug would be nice. I'm just stating the way things are right now. I'm under much better circumstances, and have been blessed to have students who will still pay for me even though it's mostly virtual. They are great students and I'll miss them.

I was missing India so much that I thought I'd die having to stay here longer but India's borders are still closed so I couldn't go back anyway. I was supposed to be in Budapest as of last week, teaching for a month starting this last Sunday, but their borders are also closed, so here I am, making peace with being where Maa has decided I'm to be, which seems to be working out so far.

If you stay attached to your ideas of the way things are supposed to be, you can never allow the way things are delivered to you to be an okay thing, right? We are allowed to choose what we want and what we like, but not necessarily how or when we receive them. I am meant to be living with my Guruji by the end of August, and that won't likely be happening, but I have faith it will happen in the not too distant future, so I hunker down and wait for it doing what I love while I wait.

I started dating again, well, not sure if to call it that. I opened an account on an app after a very long hiatus and had some good chats with a few people, met one who I really hit it off with and will see again soon. The best thing that came up though is that it woke something up in me, something that really was dormant to a degree, maybe fully dormant.

I'd forgotten how nice it feels to be with someone who enjoys your company, whose company you enjoy and who is attracted to you as much as you are attracted to him. So great! It's made me remember what I'd learned about this stuff before, and appreciate it for what it is. But also appreciate my alone time more than usual too. Take for instance this morning, I normally meet my friend at a park for a walk and a chat with a chai or coffee for him. This morning he wasn't able to make it and I went anyway, the temperature was cooler, the sun was warm, not too hot like its been, and I just read a bit, walked a long time, and listened to nature in a way you can't unless alone. So enjoyed it I did. And felt appreciation in a way I hadn't before.

I try to be open and receive what comes, not change it. This winter I got caught up in the fact that the world wasn't going to allow me to keep the plans I had, and I got miserable, almost ran out of money and became very sad, also angry, frustrated too, and lost feeling. Now I'm feeling like I'm get lined back up with my inner being, able to breathe again, and go with that flow which is always there and waiting to be relaxed into. Once I let go of my expectations and my attachment to their outcome. It feels so much better, I'm very happy and ready to move forward

Now, I have two day off teaching, and will practice on zoom with Sharath Saturday morning, both things I'm looking forward to and open to receiving many others!

Enjoy your weekend!

The Call...

When I was young and being raised in a Baptist church there was often talk of so and so being called to the pulpit, that the Lord had called these mens hearts to become a preacher.

I was just rereading some chapters in Offering Flowers, Feeding Skulls where it talks about all sorts of Kali worship in Bengal, India. In it she talks about it being a calling and how that calling doesn't happen terribly often with Westerners and so those who have been called are fairly well known in certain circles.

Because I have shunned my upbringing for so long I never associate any terms from that time period to things nowadays. So I had never thought that my heart had a calling to worship Maa. A calling was something that only Christians adhered to, while at the same time I'll often tell folks that you don't have a choice to choose Kali Ma as your Ishta Devata, she pulls you in. Which is exactly what a calling is!

So now for the first time ever I'm finding common ground within my current Shakta Tantrik worship of Kali and my past being raised in a Christian environment (and no, I was never baptised so have never technically been a Christian even though all my Indian friends assume that I am because I'm a Westerner and we all are...) and that is something the is very supported in the Maa worshipping circles, complete non-dualism. There is not to be any difference between one deity and another, and yourself or anything on the planet, or not on the planet. All is Maa and so all is to be treated as well as you would treat her.

This is nice to finally have had one of these aha moments, even if it is over some simple wording. Once something clicks, it clicks and its nice that it did so. I'm tired of hating things from my past, they are part of me and how I am who I am now.

It also has made me more excited for when I return to India and I'll finally be taking a trip around Bengal to see Kali Ma in Kolkata at the Kalighat temple, to see her at Dakshineswar where Ramakrishna lived and took care of her, back to see her at Kamakhya which is one of my favourite places in the world, I'd also like to tack on Varanasi and The Himalayas to the end of this trip if time allows because I"ll be heading back to live with my guru at a certain point, which I am also excited for.

I don't have many insights to write about or more to say here, I just had a small aha moment and wanted it recorded for posterity, so there it is! lol, I've been called to be a Minister of Maa!

Arizona...

It's been quite a while since I wrote on here, I'm not sure why but I started writing on Facebook, had great responses and discussions so kept going with that. Now that they closed my old account and those threads are no longer available to me I remembered I have a blog that I can also write on, I know, I know, I'm ditsy.

Arizona has proven to be a great thing and exactly what I needed, other than my body hating the level of dryness that exists here. I'm used to so much humidity in the midwest and in India. But I've got some great students who are Ayurvedic practitioners who are taking care of me with oils and advice that are helping so far.

I keep sitting down to write, either here or on Facebook, and nothing comes out, or it starts and I get away from the flow which then fucks it all up and I start typing about the weather or bitching about something. I am not here to bitch. I know I bitch a lot, but its about time I started focusing on where I want to be rather than where I think I am.

I am never in as bad a place as I make it seem, or seem to tell myself it is. I have done this almost my whole life and keep thinking I've gotten over it and no longer do this, but I do and I'm seeing it finally, so no more if I can help it. And I can! Nobody else can.

Teaching has been great, I've even been able to get up and do my practice almost every day so far before teaching, that is something I had been having trouble with. But here I'm mostly alone so have no distractions to keep me from doing what I feel like doing to support my life and my teaching, and teaching Ashtanga is why I'm here so it needs to be my main focus. I have most of each day free to focus on other things as well, so it's all good.

I've spent a lot of time reading tantras and other cultural studies about places in India that interest me, this is something I have a hard time doing when I'm in Mysore. I know too many people there and socialise a lot more so when I sit down to read I feel distracted and can't focus on the material, here I seem to have no problem with that.

Being alone a lot has been odd because I used to relish in my time to myself, but I guess since I spent so much time in India the last year I've gotten used to being around people almost all the time, so I've felt a bit lonely. I'm not lonely, I'm just fine as usual, it's just a story I told myself I guess and now I have to write a new one! So I'm working on that. Now that I finally have a new laptop and some good Microsoft programs and a lot of extra storage space maybe I can really start to work on my writing in the way those psychics, astrologers and friends have told me I need to, in book form. Hmmm, a novel idea!

The more I read about Kamakhya the more anxious I am to get back there, and from what I hear now it used to be even more esoteric than it still seems to me now. But since the government took over regulating it the hours changed and most of the rituals are less dramatic than that used to be, including that they used to be in the middle of the night sometimes. So amazing, but even so the energy there is something I can never explain fully to others as well as being a force to be wreckoned with.

I'm also chanting a new mantra in the mornings that I learned from the Kamakhya Tantra, its long and its powerful, I'm loving it and seeing how its making me feel has been interesting. I'm focusing more and more on Kali Ma being Kamakhya as it states in that Tantra, it also names that Durga is the same as well, and if you really just get down to it all is Maa, especially the Devi versions of the Gods, they are all her and that is why Kamakhya is depicted with so many different heads and different skin tones on each head to show that she is manifested as all version of the Goddess you can think of. So powerful!

Finding this more full version of non-duality has been the most fulfilling thing to me, something I got a taste of at the Kamakhya temple, but also from my guru near Mysore who built a Pratyangira temple there. Another esoteric version of Mac that many have never heard of, but she is also from the Sri Vidya kula side of things, and is worshipped in his home state as a version of Bhadrakali, so still supporting the oneness of it all.

I love this stuff, I love all of it, I love all of you for being so supportive in all my ups and downs and crazy tangents I get off on in my writing, but most of all because you are me, and I am you, and if you can't love yourself how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? To quote my favourite drag queen...

India...

Mother India, or Bharat as she's more commonly called over time by her own people. Or Hindustan by the Muslim population. First entered my life in the mid 80's via the tv show That's Incredible, when a yogi curled himself up in a box on national tv and stayed in there the whole show, coming out easily and without any issues at the end, then I wanted to know who he was and where he was from.

Then it creeped back in in the late 90's when I read Shirley Maclaine's book that I'd purchased in the mid 80's, not sure why I didn't read them back then... But she practiced yoga and yoga came from India, so my mind wandered. I had only a few years before had a guy I was dating try to get me to come to his yoga class and for some reason that did NOT make me think about India, lol, again, not sure why.

Now I've been coming here for almost 6 years and studying her philosophies for the last 19 years, the gods, Sanskrit, the scriptures. But only been coming for almost 6 years, 14 years after I finally started practicing yoga in fact, odd...

I've had many experiences, written about them here on my blog and on my Facebook page many, many times. so they are not the point of this treatise. The point is, well, maybe I don't know. Or maybe it's that I'm about to leave India for a good long while, longer than I have in the last so many years and my experiences here are in the forefront of my mind.

Lately the experiences I've had here have been more intense, more full, more evolutionary.

This round I've been here since last November, and by the time I leave next month it will be ten months in a row. Two in Goa and the rest here in Mysore with the occasional trip around.

In February in particular I went to Kamakhya, in the state of Assam, and that trip changed everything for me. It made me more interested in real tantra, the path, not the perceived notions that the Americans have of it. But the real path of it. Finding a real lineage and studying under it, so I have been. That also I'm not here to discuss.

Some years back my friend gave me a card he'd discovered at a famous south Indian temple, Meenakshi, of the Goddess Prathyangira. I'd never heard of her. Most people haven't heard of her, she's a tantric Devi who covers two sides of the spectrum. Most are either on the Vishnu or the Shiva side, but she transcends them both and is a large part of the Shakta path. So covers all the bases.

A great Goddess with a male lion head, a female human body who rides a male lion and has several of the navagraha as her accoutrements, including Rahu and Ketu who are often thought of in a malefic way. But her, not to her, they are her earrings hahaha...

Some interest was drawn up on this one, not often I'd never heard of a deity and knew nothing about them, nor could find an awful lot of information out there. In searching I found one temple in Tamil Nadu, with a 30 foot statue of her at its entrance, but never did anything about it. So this time in Mysore met a girl who's mother worships her, then we chatted, found out said temple was only just under 4 hours away and decided to take a day trip to see it, and feel her energy.

We did, and it was intense and we all had odd things happen to us after the temple experience, even the driver. So left it alone, then I'm at a local Bhairavi temple I just started reoccasioning and at the door noticed a flyer ad for a local Pratyangira temple having full moon ceremonies. Took a pic of it, forgot about it again and then remembered it one day, seemingly randomly, although not so, and googled it. Found out it was only 25 minutes away out in the country.

One day my friend Ross and I went to see it and found it to have a very strong energy and being in the jungle was also surrounded by that lovely natural energy as well. We were invited to their full moon ceremony that was to be in just two days, so I went back with two other friends, Ross wasn't able to make it back unfortunately.

I just came from there again and it was very powerful, a good friend even notes each time that I go that I'm calmer and more fun. I feel a strong attraction to the guruji there as well, he's an interesting guy who has lived quite a life and we agree on many things. So I also believe his energy and holding of the space to be a very powerful experience for me at this time too. I'm enjoying this.

The point of me writing this is that India, over time, although she affected me instantaneously, has now been affecting me more deeply in a cumulative way. The power here is very palpable and in its weight has been drawing my awareness to a deeper and deeper place. Waking me up also in more varied ways than ever. I suspect it will even more before I leave in the next month.

I look forward to leaving and seeing if I'm able to maintain this level of awareness, openness, love, peace and energy while I'm gone. I know it is possible, and in this time left here will attempt to learn how to make it a possibility that it stays with me. This I want to bring to all my interactions with myself and with others. I want this to lead me through to the next stage of life and to be where I come from in all occasions, in all relationships.

I love you Maa, thank you and may you always be with me so that you may always be with everyone I come into contact with and embellish our interactions to a divine level.

Namaste...

Shifts...

Lots of good going on lately, not only good, but making peace with whatever comes up has been very possible for me lately, so mostly it all seems like good. Much is coming from each thing, growth comes in all ways even ways we can't expect or are able to put words to. These shifts have been more subtle for me lately, but none the less profound.

Yesterday we went to Nanjangud to the Srikanteshwara temple there, a Shiva temple. It also houses Vishnu, Lakshmi, Saraswathi, Parvati, and many others including a third son of Shiva that I've never heard of before. It's a 40 minute drive there after eating breakfast, but we'd done the drive a couple weeks back on the full moon and it was so crowded we couldn't even go inside the temple, so toured around the grounds, worshipping at a Hanuman area, a naga area, some trees, the Ganesh temple. It was nice, but we all felt a need to go back to be inside, so it was nice and it was empty probably because today was the new moon and today would be busy there. Had a profound and deep calming experience, even on the drive back and the rest of the day.

Then this morning went up Chamundi Hill which seemed deserted, but once we got there the free line was exponentially long. So we went and purchased tickets to walk in the front door and did, then we saw that it was all backed up. It was earlier than I usually arrive there, being a new moon (amavasya called in Sanskrit) there took a bit longer to allow devotees into the inner sanctum, so we waited. Then once they began letting us in, damn, I've never encounter such a push in my life. There were hands in my armpits, cocks pressing against my ass, boobs pushing into my sides and back, someone was even holding my hand part of the time so they didn't fall over which also helped me not to fall over. Insane, BUT an experience one can only have here in India and one that I will cherish and tell stories about for a long time. Once inside we were shoved through quickly and didn't have much darshan, but it was still profound in its own way.

There is the Mahabaleshwar temple up there as well, going inside there was deep and calming, then we went down the backside of the hill to the Jwalamukhi Tripura Sundari temple in Uttarahalli, only one of its kind in India from what Google says. It was busier than last week, but so nice and fulfilling. She's meant to be Chamundis sister, some call her Kali, as she sucked up all the blood as Chamunda was killing the demons, which is Kali in the stories. She's a powerful energy in her temple, and I'm glad I finally went after avoiding it for 2 years.

Upon finding out that I'll be leaving India for an indefinite period of time, going to Tucson in October to begin Mysore program there, I realised how much I'll miss all these things that are peculiar to India only, and so am embracing going to temples even more than I already have. In fact I've found myself going to record numbers of them each morning and night, absorbing all the energy and experience that I can, so I can stock it up and take it with me when I leave. It's been great and I am loving it.

I seem to be just writing what my day consisted of, so I'll stop now and let you move on about your day, enjoy my friends!

Avengers Assemble...

I had to be at the movie theatre much earlier than most people think of even going outside their home. The movie was at 7:50am and was sold out on the day the tickets went on sale here in Mysore, Monday, and then I found this one seat at that time this morning. Not that I'm complaining...

This movie was the culmination of 21 other movies that came before it; 3 Thor movies, 3 Avengers, 3 Iron Man, 2 Ant Man, 3 Captain America, 2 Guardians of the Galaxy, Doctor Strange, Captain Marvel, Spider Man, Hulk and Black Panther, 1 each. And in my opinion if you didn't see all of them you will miss something in this latest film, Endgame. There are references to almost every one of the previous films in this one humongous blockbuster of a movie.

I started reading comics in 1975 when my grandpa bought me a Spider Woman for $.35 because as he was walking around Farm Fresh getting stuff I was looking at it, so he got it for me. That hooked me.

I had always been interested in the stories and mythologies of other cultures since I had seen my first Jason and the Argonauts movie on Saturday afternoon, and then found out that there used to be full belief in all these gods and witches and creatures, then I found my moms encyclopedia set and googled and wrote and read about all these things, Greek Mythology, Norse tales, Egyptian gods, all of it, except anything to do with Hindu worship of gods. That was never included anywhere, and now that I think about that it was odd and I have no understanding why it wouldn't have been, hmmmm...

The one thing I hated about our culture was the emphasis on the mundaneness of it all, there was God, his son who died for our sins, and his mother who was a virgin at the time of conception. But otherwise there was nothing interesting in it at all, following all these strict, ridiculous rules set out thousands of years beforehand that had nothing to do with life as we were living it at that time. So, hence the comic books became my mythos, and my reality for a very long time.

I wasn't prejudiced between DC and Marvel, if the storyline included people with powers, mostly I loved the occult characters who had taught themselves magic, or the people who were born with their abilities, but I never judged the others either if they were interesting and part of an interesting storyline.

I remember my first Avengers comic was one with hundreds of people in the lineup of the super group and the government had declared it was unmanageable and was to be taken down to only 7 people. I didn't like the 7 they chose, well some I did, but most were the boring characters, but that didn't stop me from reading it. Especially when I found out Thor was one of them and I had learned all about him in my earlier studies of Norse mythology, not that the Marvel Thor is anything like the mythological Thor, although in this new movie he is more like the original than ever before.

Anyhow, I think young people need stories to inspire them, to keep them going, and the comics were just that for me. The bible stories I was forced to read never did much for me, and really for as much as folks in the US worry about the crap their kids watch or read, they are some of the most corrupt stories I've ever encountered. But I'm not here to bash on Christianity, you can always hear me do that in person if you truly want...

As I was sitting and watching the film this morning I realised it was covering every emotion, I cried of happiness, of sadness, of shock, I laughed, I burst out with clapping and everyone around me was hollering. But the biggest thing I felt and I haven't felt in some time was hope. Hope was a surprise to me, at one certain point in the film I actually noticed I was feeling this. I'm not going to spoil the film for you so I won't tell the scene, but I noticed after the movie that I was drawn back to this feeling again the most. Because I had not felt it in such a long time.

Now even though it was sparked by a fictional story does that mean my body/mind didn't recognize that strong emotion as my own? I don't think so, I believe it totally felt it was mine and mine alone, after all the mind can't tell whether you're thinking of a thing or actually doing it because it creates the same hormone release, the same psychological effects, everything, even if you're just thinking about something.

It felt good and so I'm going to go about finding hope on a daily basis, I need it. Feeling hopeless and at the mercy of the universe the past few months is not serving me, never did, and I never allowed this complacency before so why am I starting now?

What gives you hope? What turns your crank? What stories inspire you and keep you going? What is your thing?!?

I'm almost there...

So, I know I've been whining a lot about being broke, about wanting to teach and needing a place to do so. About how everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. Until last night where a new low was hit. Or was it?

I am sleeping on two small pads that for some reason they call mattresses here, they are not mattresses compared to what the western mind things of them as, they are just pads, maybe an inch thick, hence why I sleep on two, and filled with stuffing and have a flannel look to them. I cover them with a sheet and cover me with another sheet. I'm not complaining about this just iterating for the western readers, this is not a bed as you all will think of it. It is however how many, many Indians sleep. I'm fine with it and sleep fairly well.

So, I'm sleeping on the floor. Lying in bed watching a video I downloaded and then all of a sudden feel water on the marble floor under my fingers, then listened and realised I heard water pouring from somewhere. So I looked up, nothing, building here are pretty water tight. It was pouring in from under my door and at the foot of my bed there stood about 3 inches of water in the whole corner. I guess that's a lower corner because it wasn't at the head of my bed or to the left of me at all.

I open the door to find that one guy who lives upstairs was squeegeeing the water as it was running down the stairs further down the stairs to the lower level and then into the drain. So I borrowed it and did the same from my room, only to find that about 5 of my books had soaked up a lot of water and some pages of mantra I'm using for a sadhana, my floor mats, my bed, sheets, etc, had all soaked up a lot of water.

Anyhow, we worked, got the water out, dried up the rest with a towel, changed out my sleeping pads, or one of them anyway, for a drier one, although the stored ones had gotten a bit wet as well, and pulled out a couple lungis to cover up with and slept. Yes, this all happened at 10pm when I'm usually asleep already, was heading there which is why I was in bed watching the video.

This morning I hung the stuff out in the sun and air to dry and moved on with my day. But I awoke to a message from a friend saying something about the astrology of what is going on, and it was in response to my desperate why can't anything go right in my life type message. He mentioned that what is going on with the planets right now is a time to dig in deep and look for the spiritual side of each thing, not to jump into your old pattern, which is exactly what I did.

Now, after 19 years of serious spiritual practice and 20 years of half assed practice of some sort before that, you'd think I wouldn't automatically fall back into my old patterns by now, but here I am, woe is me, I'm a victim, blah, blah, blah...

But today I feel better and am looking at the spiritual side of it, is there any other side? All is spirit in my viewpoint anyway, so how can it be?

And if, as they believe in Shakta circles as in Kamakhya culture, all is she, all is a manifestation of the goddess, then there is no separation. This morning after seeing my friends message and realizing my need to stay out of my old patterns I felt better, did some yoga, ate breakfast, then drove up Chamundi Hill to visit the goddess.

There was no traffic, there was no line even to wait to get inside. It was earlier than I'm usually there. It was nice. It was meant to happen and now I feel a nice energy that is more balanced than I was last night. So I need to stop being so hard on myself and falling into the old victim mode, no I know better and can be more aware and catch myself more quickly before I go there. And if I go there I can be more available for forgiveness and allowing myself to have been where I was and be okay with it, and move forward.

Forward is the motion we want, it can be slow, and even delayed, but slowly allowing the stream to take us along. An older analogy Abraham used to use was the stream. Nothing we want is upstream, so we have to take our oars out of the water trying to go upstream so hard, it never works. Take them out and allow, slowly, the movement of the water to turn your boat around an take you with it downstream.

All the work you've done on yourself, all the stuff you've put out to the universe that you want, all the energy expended to create the reality you want, are downstream, not upstream. And don't get aggressive and turn the boat around with the oars and paddle your way down, it's got to happen when your energy is lined up for it, not before. So just allow the water to flow you in the direction it's going. Nice thought huh? The work has been done already, just let yourself move towards it...

Temples...

It's Saturday morning in India, and on Saturdays I have a few temples I often go to that are specific for the deitites to be worshipped on this day, that's another story.

This morning however I felt drawn to go to the Chandramouleshwara Swamy temple, a local Shiva temple. I typically go there on Mondays since that's the particular day he's worshipped, or when I'm pulled there by a feeling. Today was one such day.

As I was standing inside waiting for them to unveil the lingam, they'd done abishekam and were dressing it up after with flowers and sandalwood and such, I all of a sudden remembered my first time inside that temple.

I had been to one temple already, the Ganesh temple right in the middle of Gokulam, and had seen this one many times on trips to Loyal World but was too nervous to go inside. Also I could never find it open, but finally I found out they open in the morning and the evening only, to close from 12 till 6. They allow the deity to sleep after giving darshan all morning long, then wake them back up to give more in the evening.

So one day I and Jørn, whom I refer to as my baby brother, made it in the morning around 9am. Can't remember for sure but I think it's my third trip here. and when they unveil the lingam all flowered and gussied up they ring bells, pound drums and chant a lot. It's quite an amazing vibration they create, so whenever I can I still try to go during this time.

Then I began to remember my first trip to the Ganesh temple, then many other temples around town. Was I drawn to go there just to stir up these memories today? Saturday is ruled by Saturn, or Shani Dev as the deity is known, and he is the deliverer of your karma. I had already been to his temple this morning but was I remembering the temples, or the people, specifically my baby brother? Is this part of my karma, something I'm supposed to be doing or picking up on involving either him or these specific temples? Things here in India are always this way, often mean multiple things and you never understand why until the time is ripe for it.

It was nice to remember Jørn, I got to spend a lot of time with him in January and February when I arrived here, but now everyone is gone mostly. Everyone Western person that is, mostly, there are a few left besides myself. So maybe that's why I'm thinking of those who are close to my heart.

But if it's the temples I'm being triggered to remember, what for? I am a temple whore I often say. Because of the energy in them, it is palpable in most places, especially those frequented by a lot of people daily. I am drawn to certain energies and so go to the ones that pull me in, otherwise I don't go to them very often. In fact yesterday I was pulled to go up Chamundi Hill to the Chamundeshwari temple up there, knowing it was a full moon and it would likely be packed, and it was. Even the line you pay 100 rupees to get into, which is often empty, was over 50 feet long outside the door of the mandir! The other lines were beyond the length that I had the stamina to stand in. So I went into the Mahabaleshwar temple behind it, a Shiva temple, which also houses a small Chamundi mandir in the back, so I still was in her presence in some ways.

The big temple is thought by some to be a Shakti Peeth, but is not on the official list, so there is a debate whether it's actually one or not. The energy in there is strong, but not at all healing and opening, and deep like the Kamakhya mandir in Assam that I was privileged to go to in late February. So I'm not sure if I feel it is one or not, but either way it's th closest thing I have to that type of energy here in Mysore, so I enjoy it.

I often go to temples alone or with very specific people who believe, or who are sensitive to the energy as well. Otherwise it's very hard to do because those people take form the experience. So now I often go alone, and prefer that. I prefer to do most things alone because at least then I have some semblance of control over my experience, although that is also not guaranteed. No one knows what the gods have in store for us haha...

Anyhow, not much more to write. I'm just thinking today, wondering. And these things popped up in my morning excursions, so I'm sharing. What is next for me? Where is next? Am I not getting out of my own way enough to allow the next experience in? Who will be involved? Who knows?!? This stall pattern has got to release soon, and this morning I felt like that is starting to become a reality, so let's see...

Sadhana...

More and more I've been seeing people posting videos or pics of them doing asanas, well this in and of itself is not new but read on, and talking about doing their sadhana. This has been bugging me lately.

I already get frustrated with people who call themselves yoga teachers but only teach asana, and in reality have no clue what yoga really means so should technically call themselves asana teachers.

Now, both are possible. You can be practicing your asanas and it be a sadhana, and someone can be teaching you asanas and it be yoga. But it doesn't seem so likely so often as they claim it.

Am I just being judgmental? Maybe I am, but I don't think so. I just have had some experiences and with the context of them realised that asana is not necessarily sadhana or yoga, even though it can be. It's mostly up to you and your intention behind why you're doing it at the moment you are engaged in them. But most often when you read about sadhana in the scriptures they are talking about japa, or other chanting of some sort, visualisation sometimes, always with deep intention and strong focus of whatever your goal is from the practice, if you have a goal.

Often in the scriptures they mention your focus being on your chosen deity, and realising that you and she/he are one and that would be the goal. To feel that deity, their energy, their ideals, even their emotions, within you deeply and allow that to almost possess you. That is only one way of it, it can be that you can stay neutral within any situation, or controlling the mind when certain things come up. There are plenty of things one can focus on during their "practice" which can include your asanas, but also and more likely be so much more.

I use a neti pot, oil pull, do my asana practice, shower (all recommended cleansing practices to prepare one for their real sadhana) and then come back and do pooja with deep intention (of what is my business, these things are actually meant to be kept secret) including chanting different mantras and lighting incense or doop to cleanse the air and invite spirit in, and visualizations, etc. All part of a prescribed practice aimed at inviting Kali Ma into ones life, body, their very existence really. It's good, and I probably told a bit too much about it, but that's often what I do, over share lol.

Anyhow, think about your sadhana if you have one. What is it? What does it mean to you? How are you "doing" it? Is it deep, do you feel things from it during and after its completed? Or is it completed ever? I was taught it should be all day long, being aware of things, etc. and bringing that to the fore in your life.

What do you think? What do you feel? Are you performing sadhana, or not?

Anxiety...

anxiety /aŋˈzʌɪəti/ noun 1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. "he felt a surge of anxiety" synonyms: worry, concern, apprehension, apprehensiveness, consternation, uneasiness, unease, fearfulness, fear, disquiet, disquietude, perturbation, fretfulness, agitation, angst, nervousness, nerves, edginess, tension, tenseness, stress, misgiving, trepidation, foreboding, suspense; More

This is the google version of the meaning of this word. This word that has become too much a part of my life lately.

I'm not sure why either. I've always been someone who could take a deep breath and then allow myself to relax into the moment and feel okay, even when I smoked which sped up my heartbeat. But recently when I was sick in Goa the thing that I've always been able to do left me, somehow.

Now even this morning as I was practicing, I'd slept later and was going through the sequence at a much later time than I am used to (but I have no schedule right now so any time is fine) I found myself being upset about it, and then anxious, oh no I have to hurry up and be finished so I can, so I can, so I can what? You will eat breakfast whenever you're finished, it doesn't have to happen at 8am. You will go about the things in your day, of which right now there are none, at your own pace and there is no time constraints on this.

So when and how did it grab a hold of me?!? Or should I not try to figure that out and move on to how to allow it to leave me again?

The first time I felt a release from it is when I was in Assam and then when I was back I still felt good but now a month later it might even be worse than normal. And I hate to think it all has happened around money. Money is the only problem I'm having right now but before I never worried about money too much and it always appeared when I needed it, now that doesn't seem to be the case.

I was recently reading some of my old blog posts, even just from last year, which then made me look at some of my old Facebook posts. So deep, well written, I was completely in the deep end of it all. Then I look at them now and it's like some adolescent has taken me over, who is this?!? Why on earth would this happen? I'm a deep person usually so I'm just not sure. I'm confused. I've lost a lot of self confidence, for which I usually have an overabundance of. Good lord...

I was told I need to surrender completely to the flow of life that I somehow got out of and then I'll feel lost and open but it will come back to me, this flow, when I allow it to. So that is my work right now. In my practices, in my mind, in my life.

Devotion...

What on earth is devotion, and why does it have a place in my life?

There's been a lot of talk of devotion, or bhakti, this week in conversations I've had with my friends here in Mysore. Most of whom are leaving today for their homes, but that's neither here nor there.

That's gotten me thinking a lot about devotion and what it means to me. Most seem to think it has something to do with god, and maybe it does but maybe it means more and or less to you, or to me.

I think it depends not he situation. For me, when I'm chanting I feel it the most, especially if it's a mantra invoking the divine. It's to me all about feeling with the body what is coming up. Feeling, not thinking about the things that come up, but looking at them and then back to feeling the sensations in the body. Often thinking of things that make me feel love and good, like my time at Kamakhya, or my time in temples, or times in my life where I've done deep study on the goddess and how it made me feel. Not only that, but so much more also.

If I'm chatting with you, about whatever we're talking about, then I'm often completely devoted to that conversation. That is devotion also, to me, to be fully present in the moment as we are creating it. Now, I'm not always like this, but often, more often, I am.

Also in the listening. Not just sitting there waiting for your turn to talk, but listening and hearing, feeling what that person is talking to you about, what they are saying to you, what they want you to hear. Not just what you're trying to get across.

I'm even like this with shows, if I'm watching something on Netflix I'm fully immersed in it. So, in some terms, devoted to it.

Food, I'm terribly devoted to eating and enjoying it fully. Even if I don't like it that much, I know what it's doing for me physically and am grateful for that, so I'm still devoted to it. Then I also know not to order it again next time hahaha!

In tantrik devi worship terms they might say this devotion comes easy to me because I recognize that the goddess is manifested in everything, and since I"m so devoted to the goddess I can find it easy to find that devotion towards all these things I've listed. Maybe this is so, most likely this is so and I'm okay with that because in this path I'm on seeing everything as a manifestation of Maa is the point.

There are many ways to find devotion in our lives but we have to figure out what we care about, what makes us feel things, cultivating feeling energy in ourselves, in others, around us, in the places we frequent and learning which energy serves us, which doesn't and again cultivating that awareness into a state of creation so we're being in and around the things and people that feed us and that we feed and less around those things that don't.

What makes you feel? Are you aware of what you feel and when? In your body, not just thinking in your mind?

What is going on...?

I'm not quite sure myself.

This week I'm having absolutely no interest in practicing. I am doing a little bit, and it feels good and my mind feels clear and open, my back aches because it likes to have my full practice since that's what it's used to but all in all, I'm good with not wanting to practice.

I'm sleeping well, waking up when the alarm goes off and then falling back asleep until much later than I'm used to sleeping, although probably a more "normal" time for the rest of the world. And then not wanting to do anything, other than my chanting and pooja and showering, etc. But each day I'm doing a little bit of asana, yesterday I didn't but Sunday and today I did. So I'll work on tomorrow getting up and going for it again, or I'll just embrace that this is where I am this week and see how tomorrow goes from that perspective.

I get into mental spaces of worrying about money since I have none coming in, then that gets old so I find a way to feel good again. I get into spaces of wanting to stay in and read and not be around almost anyone else, then I get out to eat and realise oh, I'm okay with people, sometimes. I've got no teaching gigs coming up at all which should worry me but I'm not letting it. I'm also always been drawn to being a sadhu and at this time in life, when I have less than ever, including work obligations, might be the best time to chuck all my stuff and just go become one. I also keep being drawn to going back to Kamakhya and being there for a good long time and learn the traditions surrounding the path there, alternating between living there and in the Himalayas near Uttarkashi.

So, why not go and do that? I think I'm still attached to being in the world. I do enjoy it, as much as I love being on my own, I love teaching and sharing this practice with people and making a living and having a mysterious life to others who wonder what else I do besides these asanas. And they do wonder, I get asked a lot and I share a bit but a lot of what I do in my sadhana is secret and not to be shared.

So, what to do? Why not go for it and leave this public life? Why not find some teaching and still have a private life of deep sadhana but while living in the world? Why do anything? Maybe I just sit back and see what the universe brings to me? Hmmmm... Maybe, let's see.

I do like not having a set schedule, but I also do enjoy the fulfilment of having some work to do. Is it possible to have both of these things? Is it possible to not overthink everything and just go with the flow? Yes, I know it is, often I can get in the space to do just that, but right now I'm thinking a lot. So, how to get back to just flowing and not thinking about why the flow isn't happening? Just do it, right? Ok, here I go, just do it...

Frustration...

This post is hopefully going to be short and not so sweet. I don't want to allow myself to stay in this vibration too long but I feel a need to get the frustration out. Maybe typing it alone will be enough and I won't have to post it, that would be delightful.

I'm feeling all the things that one feels when they are full of energy and yet has nowhere to direct said energy, then after a bit of time a big block forms which then manifests frustration. This is what I'm feeling.After finally figuring out how to heal all that physical stuff that was plaguing me, but was completely all from my mind in the form of stress, I now am ready to do something. But after 3 months of illness I'd not lined up any teaching gigs for myself and so here I am with nothing to do right now.

Thank god that at least I'm here in Mysore and can do my temple tours, they are doing very well, and the people are really enjoying them and often coming to multiple ones to learn more each time. That is fulfilling because I love sharing the stories and the energy in the temples and the people have been grateful because now they know what to do inside and how things work in general. So, some fulfilment is there.

And while teaching 6 days a week early morning can be tiring, it can be fulfilling too because you see progress in the people who come often more quickly and that is wonderful. Especially to see them have their own aha moment, that I love and reminds you why you teach... but then we come back to being frustrated because I'm not teaching right now nor can I find any teaching that is needed right now.

Then we come to another point, that I really want to settle down and teach somewhere for a good long time. In one place, grow a community, enjoy the location (wherever it may be), get to know the students, etc. That is really fulfilling.

Right now though I think I need to go to the U.S. and get financially stable, completely clear headed and healthy and then go from there. Maybe not the U.S. but its easier for me to work there and live anywhere I want. Although I prefer to stay in India getting a work visa and all that is not easy and the same for Europe, unless someone from Europe is willing to start the process for you, and I love Europe.

Anyhow, I'm excited and happy to get something going. Therein lies the stuff coming up. I'm frustrated, angry and irrational, which some would say I always am, but I usually don't feel this way inside. So when I'm noticing it from myself that means it's even worse lol.

Maybe not, I still feel mostly okay. And I do have a sense of faith that all of it will work out well and soon. My astrologer says not until April, or mid-April, then the big job that will buy the plane ticket will happen, so let's see.

Can you see? I'm conflicted, dichotomous and just plaine contradicting myself? This is what I"m dealing with right now.

So mostly I'm staying in the house, reading and not hanging out too much. Although yesterday I hung out and was feeling better, so maybe that's the key, goddess, who knows?!? hahahahaha...

I just need to chill and enjoy and have faith and it will all take care of itself. Ok, finished...