Well, it's been a while. Sorry. I was feeling overwhelmed much of the time. I even found a draft I'd started in December that I never posted. And then this pandemic, virus thing took over the world and all went to hell.
Not sure if anything in my life changed though, really I guess it hasn't. Other than teaching Ashtanga Yoga on zoom. Which is a very weird thing, it's not something I'd have said is possible before and I'm still not sure if I agree it is possible, but here we are. I'm also going to different folks houses though and broadcasting from there, teaching the others as best I can through the screen.
I hated it at first, thought there was no way I could continue doing it, it made me feel crazy. But they loved it so much that I kept it up and eventually it grew on me. Now, I will always prefer in person, but again, here we are. Right now I don't have much choice even though Arizona did open everything back up so if we had a space I could teach, if any of them would come that is. Not sure if they would, some would, but others probably not. Many will likely chastise me for teaching those in person who I am, even though it was a grown up choice between me and them, not any of anyone else's business. So if you are in the mood to do that, think twice about it. I've had enough of people telling me how to live my life.
Now I"m hosting once a week a class here where I've moved to, in with a student and friend who offered. It's a lot of space and is nice to have people come practice here since the other space is no longer available. The lady who hosted me pretty much quick speaking to me and offered the job to another of the students I was teaching when she does reopen, likely next month. She also asked me to move out, so I'm thankful to be where I am. Everything feels much nicer, not have to deal with her moods and such, but I do wonder if I'm still stuck here for a while longer and we can finally have group classes where I will teach, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Also, I"m not bitching, so don't feel sorry for me or think I need a hug, although a hug would be nice. I'm just stating the way things are right now. I'm under much better circumstances, and have been blessed to have students who will still pay for me even though it's mostly virtual. They are great students and I'll miss them.
I was missing India so much that I thought I'd die having to stay here longer but India's borders are still closed so I couldn't go back anyway. I was supposed to be in Budapest as of last week, teaching for a month starting this last Sunday, but their borders are also closed, so here I am, making peace with being where Maa has decided I'm to be, which seems to be working out so far.
If you stay attached to your ideas of the way things are supposed to be, you can never allow the way things are delivered to you to be an okay thing, right? We are allowed to choose what we want and what we like, but not necessarily how or when we receive them. I am meant to be living with my Guruji by the end of August, and that won't likely be happening, but I have faith it will happen in the not too distant future, so I hunker down and wait for it doing what I love while I wait.
I started dating again, well, not sure if to call it that. I opened an account on an app after a very long hiatus and had some good chats with a few people, met one who I really hit it off with and will see again soon. The best thing that came up though is that it woke something up in me, something that really was dormant to a degree, maybe fully dormant.
I'd forgotten how nice it feels to be with someone who enjoys your company, whose company you enjoy and who is attracted to you as much as you are attracted to him. So great! It's made me remember what I'd learned about this stuff before, and appreciate it for what it is. But also appreciate my alone time more than usual too. Take for instance this morning, I normally meet my friend at a park for a walk and a chat with a chai or coffee for him. This morning he wasn't able to make it and I went anyway, the temperature was cooler, the sun was warm, not too hot like its been, and I just read a bit, walked a long time, and listened to nature in a way you can't unless alone. So enjoyed it I did. And felt appreciation in a way I hadn't before.
I try to be open and receive what comes, not change it. This winter I got caught up in the fact that the world wasn't going to allow me to keep the plans I had, and I got miserable, almost ran out of money and became very sad, also angry, frustrated too, and lost feeling. Now I'm feeling like I'm get lined back up with my inner being, able to breathe again, and go with that flow which is always there and waiting to be relaxed into. Once I let go of my expectations and my attachment to their outcome. It feels so much better, I'm very happy and ready to move forward
Now, I have two day off teaching, and will practice on zoom with Sharath Saturday morning, both things I'm looking forward to and open to receiving many others!
Enjoy your weekend!
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