A whole new era

Wow, I just found this blog again. An entry I'd posted came up in a facebook memory. I'm not sure if I should keep writing in it anymore because I don't think people read blogs anymore, do they? So, since I last wrote I lived with Guruji for year and enjoyed it, but had a LOT of growing pains. I then lived in Dehradun for 6 months, then New Jersey for two months, then Kōln for a month, then back to Guruji's for 6 months, then to Frankfurt for three months, then back to Mysore and now I'm back in Dehradun. What a ride! But I'm more concerned with my inner journey which has begun to blossom exponentially, and then take a few steps back, then back forward again and now it seems to be at a stand still, though not going backwards. I miss the moving forward times though. It's funny where life take you, and how you participate in the creation of it. And yes, we do participate even if it's allowing default action to create the next stages. That also is our choice and I am very guilty of allowing this, especially the last month in Mysore before I left for Dehradun again. I allowed all the shit in that I could find, or so it would seem. Now I'm in a financial quandry and unsure what to do or where to go. One big thought is that it's finally time to let it all go. NO, not kill myself, but to completely surrender to the yogic process. The tantrik process. Just to move into being a sadhu, of sorts. Live the teachings and do my sadhana, trust that Maa will provide and live in that trust without doubt. I grow weary of having to have enough money to leave India, and to get back, and to purchase my visa. When I'm living at Guruji's one thing I can be for sure of is that I'll have a bed in my room and food. No need for worry. I like excitment so always want a scooter so that I can move around the city at least, but that really isn't necessary also. But here I am on the precipice of needing to leave again and purchase a new visa while I'm gone, and then again come back if and when that visa is approved. Then in six months have to do it again. I was planning to do it this time, but I still had a bit of money left then and after that was finished. Going to just stay and be where I really want to be, at Guruji's, with him and learning, doing my sadhana, teaching when asked and whatever else came up. Now I'm here hoping I make enough in this month to cover these expenses and then again I could just go back to his place and begin now, couldn't I? But should I? I don't want to get him in trouble but then again I don't think I would... Hmmm, here I am wondering.