What is going on...?

I'm not quite sure myself.

This week I'm having absolutely no interest in practicing. I am doing a little bit, and it feels good and my mind feels clear and open, my back aches because it likes to have my full practice since that's what it's used to but all in all, I'm good with not wanting to practice.

I'm sleeping well, waking up when the alarm goes off and then falling back asleep until much later than I'm used to sleeping, although probably a more "normal" time for the rest of the world. And then not wanting to do anything, other than my chanting and pooja and showering, etc. But each day I'm doing a little bit of asana, yesterday I didn't but Sunday and today I did. So I'll work on tomorrow getting up and going for it again, or I'll just embrace that this is where I am this week and see how tomorrow goes from that perspective.

I get into mental spaces of worrying about money since I have none coming in, then that gets old so I find a way to feel good again. I get into spaces of wanting to stay in and read and not be around almost anyone else, then I get out to eat and realise oh, I'm okay with people, sometimes. I've got no teaching gigs coming up at all which should worry me but I'm not letting it. I'm also always been drawn to being a sadhu and at this time in life, when I have less than ever, including work obligations, might be the best time to chuck all my stuff and just go become one. I also keep being drawn to going back to Kamakhya and being there for a good long time and learn the traditions surrounding the path there, alternating between living there and in the Himalayas near Uttarkashi.

So, why not go and do that? I think I'm still attached to being in the world. I do enjoy it, as much as I love being on my own, I love teaching and sharing this practice with people and making a living and having a mysterious life to others who wonder what else I do besides these asanas. And they do wonder, I get asked a lot and I share a bit but a lot of what I do in my sadhana is secret and not to be shared.

So, what to do? Why not go for it and leave this public life? Why not find some teaching and still have a private life of deep sadhana but while living in the world? Why do anything? Maybe I just sit back and see what the universe brings to me? Hmmmm... Maybe, let's see.

I do like not having a set schedule, but I also do enjoy the fulfilment of having some work to do. Is it possible to have both of these things? Is it possible to not overthink everything and just go with the flow? Yes, I know it is, often I can get in the space to do just that, but right now I'm thinking a lot. So, how to get back to just flowing and not thinking about why the flow isn't happening? Just do it, right? Ok, here I go, just do it...