Thinking...

I've had lots of time lately to think. Not something I'm usually fond of doing because I can think myself into the worst mental state when left unchecked. But it seems lately that I'm able to think and not allow the emotions drawn to the surface to overwhelm and intimidate me into a depressed state, most of the time anyway. So it's a new level for me.And I won't say its a concrete place I am and I'll always be here forever more, because I know that just isn't true.

When I first got settled into Mysore I found myself in a state of depression. Not the kind I used to have when I was younger where it would overwhelm me and I would be falling into this downward spiral and it would take me months to get out of it, not like that anymore at all. but for sure a place where I couldn't let go of the thinking pattern I was stuck in, even though when I went out and was around people I was just fine and by even wanting to get out and be around people I knew I was just fine, whereas when younger and depressed I would want to stay in and be alone and feel miserable.

I know too well now what it feels like to feel good and I know that I have control enough to start heading myself back in this direction. So the deep depressive state I used to find myself getting into far too often is pretty much a thing of the past.

I feel at this point in my journey that the thinking is serving me. I'm working through things that I may otherwise ignore because I don't have time to deal with what comes up, right now I have time for it. I am also finding myself working towards feeling better naturally, so all the Abraham study I've done in my life is finally paying off, or has sunk in enough to start being automatic for me to do.

So even though thinking can NOT be my friend at times, now it is. And that makes me happy because our brains were meant to think, to process information that is acquired and being able to do this without it pulling me into it is nice. I suppose this is what "they" call the observer? I'm able to see the stuff without becoming a part of it and through that use deduction reasoning in a way that is helpful and supportive to myself. Which is good, because when I get back to my more regular schedule of teaching or working in some capacity I'll have done more work on myself that makes me a better teacher and makes me a better person to have a conversation with just in general.

I also am grateful I'm having this time to really dig into my physical practice and I've figured a few things out and have finally surpassed this roadblock I'd been having for the past three seasons here in Mysore. That alone makes me feel something good. You know, you can be stuck on a posture for so long that it feels like you're never going to get anywhere past it, and at some point you have to let go and allow that this may be it. You're 47 years old maybe your body is just not going to go there anymore. But almost when you get really deeply into this place of not caring, and I don't mean saying you don't care, but actually not caring if you ever get past this posture that then this posture releases itself and boom, you can do it. And you almost cry and feel like some block has been released as well. Energetically a thing releases also that clears some emotions and lets you feel like a whole new person again. Then you're like, wait, I am 47 years old and I just let go of this thing and can now go past it physically, but also mentally and emotionally, so now what's next?!?

I'm not really wondering what's next, because I am quite sure I can figure out where my next block will be physically, but maybe not. Maybe I'll be just fine and the next thing won't last years, but maybe just a week, or a day, or a month, or maybe years again.

The point isn't the posture, the point is the new place you go within your mind, within your being. Sharath always says there are advanced asana practitioners who are not necessarily big yogis, but someone doing only half primary can be the biggest yogi. That is what I aspire to, not to do the advanced asanas again (remember I used to practice half of third series) but that I go to greater places within the openness of my mind and being and facilitate that also in others. But I do have this vision of being 55-60 years old and learning fourth series and that is pretty cool as well. If it happens, great, if not, great too. I'll be fine either way, and I know that now.

I've had all this time here too to watch so many tv series on this awesome website that has them from HBO, Showtime, Hulu, and every other pay and non-pay channel, also it has brand new movies, so I've watched Spider Man and Wonder Woman again after having just seen them in the theatre a few weeks back.

The point of bringing that up is that I've always been someone who is creatively stimulated through good art, and the tv shows nowadays are closer to art than they may ever have been They are kicking ass with all the great writing and acting out there these days that I am stimulated beyond anywhere I've ever been before. I just wrote my last entry about being bored and that mostly comes from all this, I'm being stimulated mentally through the reading and tv I've been watching, my practice has been amazing and I'm moving past old blocks, and I've been having some great conversations here with some people who really live their yoga and so I've got all this new inspiration I'm ready to share and have no outlet for. So I'm turning it inward and that inward exploration is great and wonderful as well, so I'm not so bored anymore.

I'm really focusing on appreciating this time I am currently having to process and just be with myself, and in finding that feeling of appreciation I'm really feeling better and looking forward to the the next moment and the next thing, because when they come I'll just be lit up and ready to go. I'm excited for my future, but I'm also excited for my present and excited by the past that got me just where I am.

Feeling better kicks ass, have you tried it?