No complaints...

Seriously, did I just write that? Yes I did, and I can't believe I did because I complain more than almost anyone I know. I can be the most negative person on the planet, at least that's how I feel inside quite often.

So what am I writing no complaints about? Well, my life. But you're wondering if I complain more than anyone I know how is that possible? I know, I'm a conundrum. To myself even, so I'll just write and let you see what you think, okay?

Almost everything I've wanted to do, I've done. And no, I'm not a daredevil type person wanting to jump out of planes and shit, but I wanted to go to India, it took me 14 years but I made it and now I've been here 5 times and live here.

I was always so shy as a kid, painfully so. I remember being in my room and feeling like I couldn't leave it, it would give me a literal panic attack thinking about leaving my room, but then I did it, realised I was fine and went on about my way. It was always like this. And as I got older it didn't get better

I remember once I'd started "going out" which we said to refer to bar hopping, whether with our friends or not. I would be driving to St. Louis and getting sick the whole drive thinking about all the socialising I was going to have to do and how awful it feels to first walk into that bar, at least for me until the drinks kicked in, then I was fine. Yes I used alcohol to overcome my shyness. I was always like this.

Now I've mostly overcome it because I know I'll be fine, just the initial getting out the door is the thing. I've been home most of today and am having the feeling to get out and get a bite to eat and this came up, its why I'm writing this, partially to express some things, but partially to delay the getting out of the house that is coming!

The point is that even though I was scared of everything, I still did it. Whatever it is.

In the late 80's when I first started going out to bars or clubs I saw my first drag show and became very interested, I even had drag queens come up to me and tell me how pretty I'd be in drag. So eventually I tried it, I found out what a nice escape from reality it was and so did it for about 9 months. Now, I finally realised that I was doing just as an escapist thing, not to enjoy the artistic qualities of it, or to enjoy myself, but to be someone else for a whole night (and often having dropped a hit of acid as well) and when I was someone else I could behave however I liked. That realization is what made me quit doing drag after just under one year of it. I knew that somehow I had to figure out how to be more brave whilst being myself, I did but it took a great many more years.

Some years later after having a near decade obsession with strippers (partially from watching Showgirls too many times) and experiencing the seedier side of life I was with my partner at a new place that had opened which featured male strippers performing for the men and women in the audience, when the owner came up to me and expressed his interest in having me audition to perform at his club. I thought about it for a while and my partner talked me into it, again I had to drink a lot before doing so, but I did audition and started dancing two nights a week for him there. My partner knew how little self confidence I had, and he was right in thinking that doing this might help me gain some, and it did. I danced exactly one month before I quit and felt better having done so, for dancing and for quitting both.

These are just a couple examples of things I've been scared shitless of but did anyway. Coming to India was another one, traveling around India was another one (because each area is so different), teaching yoga (which involves speaking in front of people) is another one, teaching in Europe, traveling around anywhere I've been, and so much more. These may not seem like big things to you, but at the time to me they were huge and there is a lot more. Including the impending doom of me having to leave my house when I'm finished typing this! lol

Anyhow, do you let fear paralyse you? Do you do the thing anyway? or not? Either way, take a look at it, see how it feels on both sides of the coin and which you'd be able to live without. Why not? What's the worst that could happen? You'd die? Well so what, then you don't have to pay bills anymore! hahahaha, so just go do it!