Awakenings...

This is not going to be an easy entry to write, because I'm not sure how to say what I want to say but I also don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, so just keep in mind this is all about me and my experiences in life, not anyone else's, and it's from my perspective, sooooo...

For many years in my life, in my yoga practice, in my study of ancient scriptures, etc... I have worked towards equanimity. I've even had some great discussions here about this topic and it's something that's always been of interest to me.

Within the context of equanimity I always worked to make myself feel good and be happy and comfortable in my relationship life, or lack thereof. Now, to me relationship doesn't just mean a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, but anyone that you are in an exchange with. Exchanging and talking about emotions, your life, their experiences, etc. So just keep that in mind.

I am in relationship with very many people. Meaning that I know a lot of people and I fully engage with each of them when I am with them, if I'm distracted then I will cancel a lunch or something we have scheduled because I believe each person I'm with at that moment deserves my attention. I am human, so will occasional check my phone when I get a message, or if I need to, answer a call, but for the most part when I'm there, I'm there. Even if its a group of people, and this past few weeks I've been involved in a few group dynamics usually revolving around eating a meal together, which is often the best way to relate to one another and have a great conversation.

The biggest part of explaining all this is to tell you that at a very young age I knew I would be alone most of my life, not alone in the sense that I believe a deep connection to something bigger is possible, and I do a lot now to maintain this connection, but alone in the sense that I would never have a partner or husband (yes I'm gay for those of you who STILL don't know this lol) and since I've worked very hard on equanimity (which to me means being okay within whatever context comes up in life, with a partner or without, broke or abundant, happy or sad, all are states of being that are possible to navigate well and with ease with the right state of mind...) I've always been okay.

But recently I met someone, and this post isn't about this someone so don't worry about that, it's about the effect this had on me. In the meeting of this someone I've come to realize that this thing I thought I was feeling equanimous about I was actually just squelching and burying the emotions surrounding it. I've had some of these old feelings awakened and I've discovered that feeling them again is actually not a bad thing, and that in the feeling of them I've realised that having someone in my life could be a very lovely and beneficial thing. I always wanted to say, No, No, I don't need anyone, and that that is probably still true for the most part, but now I know that if it does happen it could also be a great thing and feel very okay and even good for me in many ways.

It's been an interesting weekend observing all these old feelings I had around old relationships and had buried, come up and be seen again. I was just surprised because I thought I'd processed them and moved on, well I had but the energy surrounding them hadn't been assimilated, so the thing was still there. Like a wound that never healed but had scabbed over, the wound was still under the scab. Now, I'm not wounded so that terminology might not be the right one to invoke, but it's as close as I mind would find to the things I'm feeling right now.

Even during my practice this morning some old things I had around an ex floated to the surface and got the chance to make peace with them and let them go on. Stuff I was sure I'd taken care of long back, but there it was. And maybe even now it's not gone, but again just kept in reserve as a reference point to remember, look, this is not what you want, or this is what you want.

In any case, I feel a new level of awareness has arisen and a new level of expansion/growth as well. As I've been made aware of the emotions that never got worked through now I'm able to make peace with them and allow them to integrate into part of the whole, rather than remain all alone and stay an open wound. So the past five days has been interesting and as this person leaves today for home the next days promise to be interesting as well as I observe if this thing is centred around only the one being or if it's just in general and that being was a catalyst in the process of growth and expansion of my spirit, or a bit of both? Maybe that feels like the right thing.

Life never gets less interesting, it only changes and shifts, especially within the context of yoga and how we process things through our ever deepening awareness and hopefully doing so in a way that is also beneficial to those surrounding us, friends, family, students, teachers, or just anyone that we touch in any way, including social media.

I know I've written of being bored lately but that is mostly because I want something external to do with all this new information coming up from within, and it seems I'm not so bored now, I'm quite occupied with the inner emotional life I have, even though I wanted to deny it for years. But there it is, looking at me and poking me so that I can no longer ignore it...