Struggles...

I'm reading an account of Iyengar's experiences studying with his teacher and going out to teach on his own, his marriage, his kids, etc. I'm reading the first volume, didn't know I was actually going to read it, I thought I was just going to glance through it because there are 8 volumes, many of which have his yoga techniques and such in it. He states at the beginning that these volumes are a compilation of all the written work he's done, recorded lectures and such, so they just compiled them into these volumes for posterity. But it is interesting stuff.

The first thing that caught my eye was that it took him 35 years before he made a living teaching yoga, or rather made a decent living. Now he didn't come up in the yoga age, where everyone in the west was doing a teacher training program and each yoga shala was pumping out 50 or more teachers each year. He came during a time in India when yoga was not popular, nor would it be for quite a while. He even in his own words states that it is mostly due to this efforts of traveling around and teaching that made yoga so popular. I would agree with this because all of the yoga in the US comes from the YMCA and they hosted him the first times he came and so our asana practices over there, whether or not they were breath oriented like Ashtanga or what have you, are permeated with alignment cues and advice throughout the practice, even in the Ashtanga shalas over there though our practice has no alignment in it.

So this immediately makes me think that I should go back to St. Louis, something I've been thinking a lot about lately. Not that I'm going to do it, but that there I was well known enough to make a decent living, not a great one, but I had everything I needed. I taught there from 2002 until 2016, that was long enough to get most people to know my name in the yoga community in that town. BUT, is that the right reason to go back? Because you're well known and you likely can make a decent living? Why does that mean I can't make a decent living elsewhere? It doesn't, I've just not made a name for myself anywhere else just yet.

And not that I need to make a name for myself, this isn't my point. I am a teacher who's been authorised by Sharath to teach and so that in itself has a little bit of clout. But maybe I'm having doubts right now. Yes, of course I am. My money is almost gone, I've been in the duldrums lately and having a hard time pulling my mental state out of the rock bottom place it's finding itself.

This is not something I'm used to. I'm used to feeling very self confident, very at peace and strong in the knowing of what I can do and ought to do at any given moment. But at this moment, well maybe not exactly right this second (because I am feeling better or else I wouldn't be able to write this) I'm feeling unsure of myself and my abilities.

I had this idea that when I left to travel and teach I would make waves all around the globe and never seek for work again. Yes, I know that's very very of myself but I was feeling very confident and in the know of what I am capable of. But now that I'm sitting in Mysore with not to much to do and no money to leave and get my mental state back in a good place I'm feeling less so. I'm also not writing this make any of you feel sorry for me, not at all. I don't want that nor do I need that. I write as a way of processing where I am and allowing the wisdom of how to move forward out of said place to the next and better feeling state of being, and only for that reason. It always works, and I've been thinking these thoughts for a while now but am just now able to put them down on the page so to speak.

As I'm feeling these things and thinking these thoughts and still reading his book one other thing that sticks out is that he never gave up on it, he believed in yoga so much that he kept with it even though it was barely keeping him alive because he knew that one day it would. This sentiment I feel in strong agreement with as well, there's just no way for me to do anything else. I love teaching yoga and even more I love practicing yoga, feeling each posture, how it feels as I place my breath in different areas of my body, align myself differently and where the benefit comes. Then I love sharing these things with others, it makes me happier than almost anything else, sharing it. I'm missing that really badly right now.

So I need to figure out where I want to live and check into the yoga community in that area and see if it is possible to go there and start a Mysore program and slowly build it up. Or maybe there is already some practicing together in an area that would gladly bring in a teacher and the program would already have a base. Or check out websites, see who maybe already has Ashtanga but needs an authorised teacher to bring that extra added thing to it, or pick an area based on that there is no Ashtanga there but the area is ripe for it to blossom. Hmmm, so many options. I think I get stuck in the thinking that there are no options when my money is gone and so my personal options are inhibited, yes, this is exactly right. So now to work on this state of mind and get it together. Yoga is the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind after all, YS 1.11...

No more sitting around and allowing my mind to get into the negative space of there isn't enough. When I catch myself doing this get up and move, or go somewhere, or chant, or read, and get the mind distracted away from these thoughts long enough to allow in better feeling thoughts that can only lead to change and good opportunities.

Get online and search. There are never ending places around the globe, let alone in India, that can use a long time practitioner of yoga to come and teach there. So put it out there, see what your options are and don't give up, keep looking. Yes, now I've started talking to myself in this entry! HAHAHAHA...

Okay, time to go do some of these things, thanks, you've helped me...