No complaints...

Seriously, did I just write that? Yes I did, and I can't believe I did because I complain more than almost anyone I know. I can be the most negative person on the planet, at least that's how I feel inside quite often.

So what am I writing no complaints about? Well, my life. But you're wondering if I complain more than anyone I know how is that possible? I know, I'm a conundrum. To myself even, so I'll just write and let you see what you think, okay?

Almost everything I've wanted to do, I've done. And no, I'm not a daredevil type person wanting to jump out of planes and shit, but I wanted to go to India, it took me 14 years but I made it and now I've been here 5 times and live here.

I was always so shy as a kid, painfully so. I remember being in my room and feeling like I couldn't leave it, it would give me a literal panic attack thinking about leaving my room, but then I did it, realised I was fine and went on about my way. It was always like this. And as I got older it didn't get better

I remember once I'd started "going out" which we said to refer to bar hopping, whether with our friends or not. I would be driving to St. Louis and getting sick the whole drive thinking about all the socialising I was going to have to do and how awful it feels to first walk into that bar, at least for me until the drinks kicked in, then I was fine. Yes I used alcohol to overcome my shyness. I was always like this.

Now I've mostly overcome it because I know I'll be fine, just the initial getting out the door is the thing. I've been home most of today and am having the feeling to get out and get a bite to eat and this came up, its why I'm writing this, partially to express some things, but partially to delay the getting out of the house that is coming!

The point is that even though I was scared of everything, I still did it. Whatever it is.

In the late 80's when I first started going out to bars or clubs I saw my first drag show and became very interested, I even had drag queens come up to me and tell me how pretty I'd be in drag. So eventually I tried it, I found out what a nice escape from reality it was and so did it for about 9 months. Now, I finally realised that I was doing just as an escapist thing, not to enjoy the artistic qualities of it, or to enjoy myself, but to be someone else for a whole night (and often having dropped a hit of acid as well) and when I was someone else I could behave however I liked. That realization is what made me quit doing drag after just under one year of it. I knew that somehow I had to figure out how to be more brave whilst being myself, I did but it took a great many more years.

Some years later after having a near decade obsession with strippers (partially from watching Showgirls too many times) and experiencing the seedier side of life I was with my partner at a new place that had opened which featured male strippers performing for the men and women in the audience, when the owner came up to me and expressed his interest in having me audition to perform at his club. I thought about it for a while and my partner talked me into it, again I had to drink a lot before doing so, but I did audition and started dancing two nights a week for him there. My partner knew how little self confidence I had, and he was right in thinking that doing this might help me gain some, and it did. I danced exactly one month before I quit and felt better having done so, for dancing and for quitting both.

These are just a couple examples of things I've been scared shitless of but did anyway. Coming to India was another one, traveling around India was another one (because each area is so different), teaching yoga (which involves speaking in front of people) is another one, teaching in Europe, traveling around anywhere I've been, and so much more. These may not seem like big things to you, but at the time to me they were huge and there is a lot more. Including the impending doom of me having to leave my house when I'm finished typing this! lol

Anyhow, do you let fear paralyse you? Do you do the thing anyway? or not? Either way, take a look at it, see how it feels on both sides of the coin and which you'd be able to live without. Why not? What's the worst that could happen? You'd die? Well so what, then you don't have to pay bills anymore! hahahaha, so just go do it!

Struggles...

I'm reading an account of Iyengar's experiences studying with his teacher and going out to teach on his own, his marriage, his kids, etc. I'm reading the first volume, didn't know I was actually going to read it, I thought I was just going to glance through it because there are 8 volumes, many of which have his yoga techniques and such in it. He states at the beginning that these volumes are a compilation of all the written work he's done, recorded lectures and such, so they just compiled them into these volumes for posterity. But it is interesting stuff.

The first thing that caught my eye was that it took him 35 years before he made a living teaching yoga, or rather made a decent living. Now he didn't come up in the yoga age, where everyone in the west was doing a teacher training program and each yoga shala was pumping out 50 or more teachers each year. He came during a time in India when yoga was not popular, nor would it be for quite a while. He even in his own words states that it is mostly due to this efforts of traveling around and teaching that made yoga so popular. I would agree with this because all of the yoga in the US comes from the YMCA and they hosted him the first times he came and so our asana practices over there, whether or not they were breath oriented like Ashtanga or what have you, are permeated with alignment cues and advice throughout the practice, even in the Ashtanga shalas over there though our practice has no alignment in it.

So this immediately makes me think that I should go back to St. Louis, something I've been thinking a lot about lately. Not that I'm going to do it, but that there I was well known enough to make a decent living, not a great one, but I had everything I needed. I taught there from 2002 until 2016, that was long enough to get most people to know my name in the yoga community in that town. BUT, is that the right reason to go back? Because you're well known and you likely can make a decent living? Why does that mean I can't make a decent living elsewhere? It doesn't, I've just not made a name for myself anywhere else just yet.

And not that I need to make a name for myself, this isn't my point. I am a teacher who's been authorised by Sharath to teach and so that in itself has a little bit of clout. But maybe I'm having doubts right now. Yes, of course I am. My money is almost gone, I've been in the duldrums lately and having a hard time pulling my mental state out of the rock bottom place it's finding itself.

This is not something I'm used to. I'm used to feeling very self confident, very at peace and strong in the knowing of what I can do and ought to do at any given moment. But at this moment, well maybe not exactly right this second (because I am feeling better or else I wouldn't be able to write this) I'm feeling unsure of myself and my abilities.

I had this idea that when I left to travel and teach I would make waves all around the globe and never seek for work again. Yes, I know that's very very of myself but I was feeling very confident and in the know of what I am capable of. But now that I'm sitting in Mysore with not to much to do and no money to leave and get my mental state back in a good place I'm feeling less so. I'm also not writing this make any of you feel sorry for me, not at all. I don't want that nor do I need that. I write as a way of processing where I am and allowing the wisdom of how to move forward out of said place to the next and better feeling state of being, and only for that reason. It always works, and I've been thinking these thoughts for a while now but am just now able to put them down on the page so to speak.

As I'm feeling these things and thinking these thoughts and still reading his book one other thing that sticks out is that he never gave up on it, he believed in yoga so much that he kept with it even though it was barely keeping him alive because he knew that one day it would. This sentiment I feel in strong agreement with as well, there's just no way for me to do anything else. I love teaching yoga and even more I love practicing yoga, feeling each posture, how it feels as I place my breath in different areas of my body, align myself differently and where the benefit comes. Then I love sharing these things with others, it makes me happier than almost anything else, sharing it. I'm missing that really badly right now.

So I need to figure out where I want to live and check into the yoga community in that area and see if it is possible to go there and start a Mysore program and slowly build it up. Or maybe there is already some practicing together in an area that would gladly bring in a teacher and the program would already have a base. Or check out websites, see who maybe already has Ashtanga but needs an authorised teacher to bring that extra added thing to it, or pick an area based on that there is no Ashtanga there but the area is ripe for it to blossom. Hmmm, so many options. I think I get stuck in the thinking that there are no options when my money is gone and so my personal options are inhibited, yes, this is exactly right. So now to work on this state of mind and get it together. Yoga is the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind after all, YS 1.11...

No more sitting around and allowing my mind to get into the negative space of there isn't enough. When I catch myself doing this get up and move, or go somewhere, or chant, or read, and get the mind distracted away from these thoughts long enough to allow in better feeling thoughts that can only lead to change and good opportunities.

Get online and search. There are never ending places around the globe, let alone in India, that can use a long time practitioner of yoga to come and teach there. So put it out there, see what your options are and don't give up, keep looking. Yes, now I've started talking to myself in this entry! HAHAHAHA...

Okay, time to go do some of these things, thanks, you've helped me...

Awakenings...

This is not going to be an easy entry to write, because I'm not sure how to say what I want to say but I also don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, so just keep in mind this is all about me and my experiences in life, not anyone else's, and it's from my perspective, sooooo...

For many years in my life, in my yoga practice, in my study of ancient scriptures, etc... I have worked towards equanimity. I've even had some great discussions here about this topic and it's something that's always been of interest to me.

Within the context of equanimity I always worked to make myself feel good and be happy and comfortable in my relationship life, or lack thereof. Now, to me relationship doesn't just mean a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, but anyone that you are in an exchange with. Exchanging and talking about emotions, your life, their experiences, etc. So just keep that in mind.

I am in relationship with very many people. Meaning that I know a lot of people and I fully engage with each of them when I am with them, if I'm distracted then I will cancel a lunch or something we have scheduled because I believe each person I'm with at that moment deserves my attention. I am human, so will occasional check my phone when I get a message, or if I need to, answer a call, but for the most part when I'm there, I'm there. Even if its a group of people, and this past few weeks I've been involved in a few group dynamics usually revolving around eating a meal together, which is often the best way to relate to one another and have a great conversation.

The biggest part of explaining all this is to tell you that at a very young age I knew I would be alone most of my life, not alone in the sense that I believe a deep connection to something bigger is possible, and I do a lot now to maintain this connection, but alone in the sense that I would never have a partner or husband (yes I'm gay for those of you who STILL don't know this lol) and since I've worked very hard on equanimity (which to me means being okay within whatever context comes up in life, with a partner or without, broke or abundant, happy or sad, all are states of being that are possible to navigate well and with ease with the right state of mind...) I've always been okay.

But recently I met someone, and this post isn't about this someone so don't worry about that, it's about the effect this had on me. In the meeting of this someone I've come to realize that this thing I thought I was feeling equanimous about I was actually just squelching and burying the emotions surrounding it. I've had some of these old feelings awakened and I've discovered that feeling them again is actually not a bad thing, and that in the feeling of them I've realised that having someone in my life could be a very lovely and beneficial thing. I always wanted to say, No, No, I don't need anyone, and that that is probably still true for the most part, but now I know that if it does happen it could also be a great thing and feel very okay and even good for me in many ways.

It's been an interesting weekend observing all these old feelings I had around old relationships and had buried, come up and be seen again. I was just surprised because I thought I'd processed them and moved on, well I had but the energy surrounding them hadn't been assimilated, so the thing was still there. Like a wound that never healed but had scabbed over, the wound was still under the scab. Now, I'm not wounded so that terminology might not be the right one to invoke, but it's as close as I mind would find to the things I'm feeling right now.

Even during my practice this morning some old things I had around an ex floated to the surface and got the chance to make peace with them and let them go on. Stuff I was sure I'd taken care of long back, but there it was. And maybe even now it's not gone, but again just kept in reserve as a reference point to remember, look, this is not what you want, or this is what you want.

In any case, I feel a new level of awareness has arisen and a new level of expansion/growth as well. As I've been made aware of the emotions that never got worked through now I'm able to make peace with them and allow them to integrate into part of the whole, rather than remain all alone and stay an open wound. So the past five days has been interesting and as this person leaves today for home the next days promise to be interesting as well as I observe if this thing is centred around only the one being or if it's just in general and that being was a catalyst in the process of growth and expansion of my spirit, or a bit of both? Maybe that feels like the right thing.

Life never gets less interesting, it only changes and shifts, especially within the context of yoga and how we process things through our ever deepening awareness and hopefully doing so in a way that is also beneficial to those surrounding us, friends, family, students, teachers, or just anyone that we touch in any way, including social media.

I know I've written of being bored lately but that is mostly because I want something external to do with all this new information coming up from within, and it seems I'm not so bored now, I'm quite occupied with the inner emotional life I have, even though I wanted to deny it for years. But there it is, looking at me and poking me so that I can no longer ignore it...

Patterns...

I'm noticing a lot lately that the "normal" patterns of my life haven't been being followed and so I'm adjusting a lot lately and embracing that things don't stay the same. This is something that maybe I've noticed before in a smaller way but now it's just hitting me.

I'm used to being back in St. Louis at this time of the year, and spending time at my favourite parks there, seeing my students at least weekly but often daily, struggling with saving money so I can make it back to India, meeting friends of many years for great conversations over lunch, or over a snack, or at a movie or for a walk in the park, etc.

I'm used to the patter of being in India for the winter and heading back there at the very beginning of spring and seeing the things change, the flowers starting to bloom, the relationships come out into the open and the days getting longer.

To teaching my weekly park class and meeting tons of new people there, being the centre of attention is not usually my favourite thing but in this class I always felt it was more of a group effort and we got to hang out after and eat some great food, take walks, enjoy the weather, etc.

To having my family be a short drive away and getting to hang out with them. To many things. Many things that I'm not experiencing right now.

Now, I'm not bitching about it. I'm just observing that there are some different feelings going on in my body this year, but now I've started to understand why I felt different.

I love India and the regular grouping of people that I'm usually here with are none of them here, but there are some great people here who I've enjoyed getting to know. Many of whom have made me some great breakfasts, dinners, shared meals with where someone else is making the food, and always had great conversations, that is a given here. We are all lined up within our ashtanga practice and so have that shorthand without having to explain things to each other, because we all get it.

It's a great time with the weather too, raining often in the evening, but that keeps the temperatures down and its cool and great sleeping. I'm actually loving it and wouldn't change a thing. I've just been having feeling of certain things that I'd just noticed are usually there this time of year that are not there this time of year, many of which I listed above, but there are many more that I've just not given a name too.

My life is in an interesting shift and I'm going with the flow of whatever is coming around the corner...

My Ashtanga practice diary (a mini retrospective)...

Many people have been asking me about my personal asana practice. I'm not a big one to share about it because to me the yoga should show in my daily life through my interactions with others and myself. But I did just do my first photo shoot ever, after 17 years of practicing so I'm going to write a bit about it.

I began practicing on March 1 of the year 2000, I was two months short of turning 30. I was taking an Intro to Ashtanga course taught by someone who wasn't really an Ashtangi but had studied it a bit, I did in fact learn a lot from her about the breath and a few other things, but that's not for this entry.

Very shortly after beginning this class I was trying to do some of it at home but was still going to a cheap local yoga centre a few other days of the week, then David Swenson's book came out and I ordered it and began practicing only Ashtanga at home except for this one day a week going to her Intro class, and then her primary series class.

I remember being in the third class in downward dog sweating profusely, it was dripping into my eyes and running up my nose. I was shaking from the openings happening in my nervous system, and I was crying, and I was overwhelmed with how good I felt because feeling good had never been something I'd encountered so I was quite surprised, but I'd just gotten David's book in the mail and so decided in this class to only practice this hard yoga that I thought might kill me, but was actually making me change, physically, mentally and emotionally.

In August of this same year, I had turned 30 already and decided that somehow I needed to go to India to practice with Pattabhi Jois at his little shala. I found online that he was not going to be in Lakshmipuram that summer though, but that he was going on tour around the US and so I checked out where he was going to be. At this time I'd been practicing about 5 months and was only able to barely bind in Marichasana B, C, because of the degeneration that had occurred in my lumbar spine, seemed like it was far, far away and never going to happen. But I was quite content stopping at this point and doing the closing sequence as best as I could, which wasn't very good either, but it helped me feel better so I did what I could.

I called the Yoga Workshop and Mary Taylor called me back, or answered, I can't remember. I didn't know who she was at the time, but later found out that she's Richard Freeman's wife and I'd been watching that famous VHS tape that he was in almost daily just to figure out how to do this stuff on my own. I mailed her a check which back then was for $150 for the week of primary series and I thought that was so expensive, but if you look now for one week with Sharath it is triple or quadruple this amount... inflation! Anyhow, she also found me a student at their shala who was willing to put up someone coming from out of town for the week or both weeks, and I stayed with her, Mary Lou Robles, and her husband and blue haired son. It was a great time and a great connection but that is also not for this entry, but it's a good story so sometime remind me to tell you.

Anyhow, I went, I drove by myself, listening to Madonna's rendition of the Ashtanga mantra the whole way so I could get it in my mind because I'd not been very good at remembering it. After my time in Boulder though I never forgot the words again. It was a most powerful experience for me there, 250 people practicing mat to mat in a room, a church actually that they'd rented. I was helped into Marichasana C and D by Sharath who was assisting Guruji, and after that I was able to do almost all the postures on my own, but each day of the week he came and helped me into these two, which I really couldn't breathe in at all, even though I could hold them once he got me in them. I also was adjusted once by Guruji and it was the moola bandha in karnapidasana adjustment that you've seen a meme for on social media most likely, but I'm a guy and he did the adjustment on me, so it was a cop a feel sort of moment as it was often thought, anyhow, again, that is not for this entry but remind me to tell you about in person some time, its a good story too.

Anyhow, I was there, I hiked with a friend I made, I got inspired by this eco positive family I was staying with and when I went home I was inspired and practiced even more and with more gusto. And I was able to do the full primary series when I went home. Also in one of the conferences Guruji held that week he told me to get up at 4am, practicing before working, and my whole life would change. It took me almost 2-3 months after going home to make this change because I was living with a partner and we only had the evenings together at that time, but he encouraged me to follow my teachers guidance and so I eventually did. And yes my whole life changed, but again that is another story for another time.

So I told my teacher I was seeing once a week back home that I was going to start practicing in the early morning, and I did but I kept going to her class in the evening for another month maybe before realising that I needed to commit to doing it always in the early morning and I did that.

It was a couple years later I left my corporate job and had money in the bank and time off enough to go to Mysore finally I though, this was 2002, and when I searched online I again found out that Pattabhi was not going to be there, but going to be on tour. I almost went to NYC for the entire month he was there teaching, but decided to go to Maui instead and see him. This time we, a group from Nancy Gilgoff's shala, picked them all up at the airport and Sharath was again there, this time with a wife and baby, his father was also there along with his mom Saraswathi, and Guruji of course. It was a great week there with him but I also stayed and practiced with Nancy for about 5 weeks as well.

At home I'd started adding on some of the intermediate series of postures to the end of my primary series practice, and so while there with Nancy she over those weeks taught me the full intermediate series, which felt very different than primary, but amazing. And so when I went home that became my daily practice and primary a couple times a week as Nancy had instructed me, but also then I slowly started adding on third series postures to the end of my intermediate practice. So that by 2005 I was doing almost half of third series, but I was also not a great one to be teaching myself these postures and so often was hurting myself. I had a bad back so was having trouble getting it to settle into the swing of things, but also was slowly hurting my knees, elbows and shoulders. Not having a teacher was killing me!

But I trucked along with this until very late 2007, and finally in about March of 2008 quit that practice altogether maybe doing primary series a couple times a week, but had begun studying Anusara with Desiree Rumbaugh and so was doing a practice she had given me that was slowly healing my body and making me feel good again. I learned a lot about myself during this time and realised I needed this yoga thing to be much more than just forcing my body into these asanas. So I also got into a daily practice of Kundalini Yoga which gave me more energy and taught me a lot about spirituality and how to bring that into my physical practices.

Eventually I only was doing Kundalini Yoga and for about four years and during that time getting certified in Kundalini Yoga and becoming baptized as a Sikh as a part of this also, I slowly changed my life into something more like I wanted it to be.

Then I would find myself practicing the primary series here and there unexpectedly, and realizing how much I'd missed it, and how much I could get from it now that I'd shifted my focus to a more internal awareness of deep intention. So someone who was coming to my Kundalini Yoga classes was interested in Ashtanga and by doing an internet search found out I had been the only teacher in the area we lived in, but was no longer teaching it. So he set out to badger me until I gave in and taught him, but I only decided to practice and he could practice with me and that would be how I taught him, and so I did.

And slowly over that time I built back up most of my primary series practice. But my body had changed a lot doing only kundalini and I was not able to bind again in Marichasana C or D or Supta Kurmasana, but went past them all anyway. Slowly getting them back after studying with some certified teachers and beginning to finally come to Mysore to study with Sharath, since Guruji had left his body.

My back went out one trip in Mysore for over a month of the three I was here practicing for, yes I live in Mysore now, and from that Sharath decided that I should stay in primary for a long time until the problems in my back sorted themselves out. And now four trips later they have sorted themselves out and I'm adding on intermediate. I'm in no rush to get back to practicing full intermediate or third series, but I do find it a cool idea to be this 50 something year old, I am now 47, starting third and learning fourth, but I'm not attached to these ideas as they are just that, ideas. So if it happens, cool, but if it doesn't I'm okay with that as well.

But the first posture of intermediate this time around became a nemesis and so it took me almost three full years to get it again, now I can do it daily and am going further into the backhanding of the series, and some days a little further, but most days I'm content to be working on what I'm working on.

Also Sharath has authorised me to teach primary series. I've been practicing, often struggling with, primary series for over 17 years and had my fair share of issues with my body and have now learned to allow things to happen rather than try to force them to happen, so I'm really great at teaching primary series and have a different approach to the further asanas in the practice from this experience.

Okay, that was longer than I originally intended, but I'll write more maybe this week and dig into some of the stories this has stirred up in my mind now. Enjoy your day!

Thinking...

I've had lots of time lately to think. Not something I'm usually fond of doing because I can think myself into the worst mental state when left unchecked. But it seems lately that I'm able to think and not allow the emotions drawn to the surface to overwhelm and intimidate me into a depressed state, most of the time anyway. So it's a new level for me.And I won't say its a concrete place I am and I'll always be here forever more, because I know that just isn't true.

When I first got settled into Mysore I found myself in a state of depression. Not the kind I used to have when I was younger where it would overwhelm me and I would be falling into this downward spiral and it would take me months to get out of it, not like that anymore at all. but for sure a place where I couldn't let go of the thinking pattern I was stuck in, even though when I went out and was around people I was just fine and by even wanting to get out and be around people I knew I was just fine, whereas when younger and depressed I would want to stay in and be alone and feel miserable.

I know too well now what it feels like to feel good and I know that I have control enough to start heading myself back in this direction. So the deep depressive state I used to find myself getting into far too often is pretty much a thing of the past.

I feel at this point in my journey that the thinking is serving me. I'm working through things that I may otherwise ignore because I don't have time to deal with what comes up, right now I have time for it. I am also finding myself working towards feeling better naturally, so all the Abraham study I've done in my life is finally paying off, or has sunk in enough to start being automatic for me to do.

So even though thinking can NOT be my friend at times, now it is. And that makes me happy because our brains were meant to think, to process information that is acquired and being able to do this without it pulling me into it is nice. I suppose this is what "they" call the observer? I'm able to see the stuff without becoming a part of it and through that use deduction reasoning in a way that is helpful and supportive to myself. Which is good, because when I get back to my more regular schedule of teaching or working in some capacity I'll have done more work on myself that makes me a better teacher and makes me a better person to have a conversation with just in general.

I also am grateful I'm having this time to really dig into my physical practice and I've figured a few things out and have finally surpassed this roadblock I'd been having for the past three seasons here in Mysore. That alone makes me feel something good. You know, you can be stuck on a posture for so long that it feels like you're never going to get anywhere past it, and at some point you have to let go and allow that this may be it. You're 47 years old maybe your body is just not going to go there anymore. But almost when you get really deeply into this place of not caring, and I don't mean saying you don't care, but actually not caring if you ever get past this posture that then this posture releases itself and boom, you can do it. And you almost cry and feel like some block has been released as well. Energetically a thing releases also that clears some emotions and lets you feel like a whole new person again. Then you're like, wait, I am 47 years old and I just let go of this thing and can now go past it physically, but also mentally and emotionally, so now what's next?!?

I'm not really wondering what's next, because I am quite sure I can figure out where my next block will be physically, but maybe not. Maybe I'll be just fine and the next thing won't last years, but maybe just a week, or a day, or a month, or maybe years again.

The point isn't the posture, the point is the new place you go within your mind, within your being. Sharath always says there are advanced asana practitioners who are not necessarily big yogis, but someone doing only half primary can be the biggest yogi. That is what I aspire to, not to do the advanced asanas again (remember I used to practice half of third series) but that I go to greater places within the openness of my mind and being and facilitate that also in others. But I do have this vision of being 55-60 years old and learning fourth series and that is pretty cool as well. If it happens, great, if not, great too. I'll be fine either way, and I know that now.

I've had all this time here too to watch so many tv series on this awesome website that has them from HBO, Showtime, Hulu, and every other pay and non-pay channel, also it has brand new movies, so I've watched Spider Man and Wonder Woman again after having just seen them in the theatre a few weeks back.

The point of bringing that up is that I've always been someone who is creatively stimulated through good art, and the tv shows nowadays are closer to art than they may ever have been They are kicking ass with all the great writing and acting out there these days that I am stimulated beyond anywhere I've ever been before. I just wrote my last entry about being bored and that mostly comes from all this, I'm being stimulated mentally through the reading and tv I've been watching, my practice has been amazing and I'm moving past old blocks, and I've been having some great conversations here with some people who really live their yoga and so I've got all this new inspiration I'm ready to share and have no outlet for. So I'm turning it inward and that inward exploration is great and wonderful as well, so I'm not so bored anymore.

I'm really focusing on appreciating this time I am currently having to process and just be with myself, and in finding that feeling of appreciation I'm really feeling better and looking forward to the the next moment and the next thing, because when they come I'll just be lit up and ready to go. I'm excited for my future, but I'm also excited for my present and excited by the past that got me just where I am.

Feeling better kicks ass, have you tried it?

Bored...

I was reluctant to type that word above as the title of this entry. I personally never get bored. It's not something I'm used to saying, but even less I'm used to feeling it.

I have achieved a new sensation and that is boredom.

In my normal life I'm up very early to do my own practices, then I'm teaching and then I have chai and breakfast or lunch and socialise whilst eating, then the afternoon offers whatever it does and I'm usually very content with my life. Right now though I'm not teaching and that component is sorely missing I'm afraid.

I love doing my own practice of asana, then chanting and all the other things I do and then to see what it brings to my teaching. Now there is no outlet for all this energy I'm building up though, so it's circulating around and with no outlet it's turning back on my and asking me to do some more. More what though? I'm just not sure.

I've been doing an evening pooja that is intense and burns off a lot of the excess before I settle in for the evening, but I'm needing some more physical outlet. Don't get me wrong, I'm still okay having less to do so I'm not complaining at all, just saying that if there were more to do that would be a godsend.

So between now and the end of October I'm free if anyone needs a Mysore style teacher or their program covered! Just putting that out there hahaha

Last week...

Well, I've just had an intense week. Last Sunday the symptoms of dengue fever manifested themselves in my body and no, that is not a fun thing. Not even an experience I'd wish on a terrible person. Sore, tired, pain, more tired, sleeping a lot, more pain, quick heartbeat and just nothing redeeming about it.

Although once it's gone you really appreciate everything. I had a local make me some juice from the leaf of a papaya tree and in about ten minutes all the things were gone and the next morning I was able to practice. Sounds odd to most of us but I've always believed more in these types of remedies than to start taking narcotics to get rid of shit, one bad does not preclude another in my opinion, it just brings different things into play.

So, it's gone. I drank another round of juice a couple days later and the this problem that was left over in my palms and the bottoms of my feet, they were feeling raw and sore, was gone in a couple hours. But then I had this major heat in my body that didn't dissipate immediately, not even until after I practiced the next morning!

I could write a lot of whiny stuff about how miserable I was but I've honestly gotten over that already and writing about it would not make me feel better so why?

Also this week after I got better my travel companion left to go home and take care of a few things. He told me just the night before he left and wasn't sure himself if it felt the right thing to do. He left during my practice, and when he said good bye it made me sad, so I was just finishing my drop backs and when I did my deep forward bend right after I sobbed, it's odd to be attached to someone, I'm not usually like that, but we had been through a lot together in those short two months so I guess I got attached more than I knew I would.

So right now I'm feeling in a deep, contemplative place. And I'm just going with it, being in a temple in the mornings just feeling the energy, sitting a lot with the feelings and observing them. Chanting each morning and night to help process them. I feel very different right now than I ever have in my life. Thoughts of becoming a monk coming up a lot and I've been spending a lot of time at the Ramakrishna ashram as a result.

Being there in their quiet, soft energetic space has been a godsend these days and it's helping me. Plus they have Kali there and that energy I feel more and more that I need as much as possible in my life. She helps to soften my inner voice in ways I never would have guessed, but in ways that I much need right now.

It's good, this place I'm in. I feel good. I feel very unsure of things, but that's okay. I feel very sure of myself inwardly though, that I know I'll follow the right path and go the direction as it comes up that I most need. I'm more in this inner awareness with myself than I ever have been and for that I am grateful, and feeling a lot of love about...