Finally settling in...

So today is Saturday November the 28th and its been an amazing day.

I've been having trouble sleeping and that's not something I am going to get into right now, and last night even though it was quiet, was no exception. I did however fall back asleep and get about 5 hours all told before I had to get up very early to get to the shala for led class. I hadn't a lot of energy but I decided I was just going to surrender and not put any physical effort into practice other than with my breath. So, that's what I did. I did not hold chattering at all, I didn't lift up and jump back or jump through. I did the laziest versions of all these things that I could do. And surprisingly enough the practice ended up energizing me and making me feel great.

After that I had chai with some friends after our after practice coconuts, then home to oil my hair and body and then have a hot shower before heading for an Indian breakfast with a great group of friends at Sri Durga. I got to introduce a new friend to a couple of the local specialties. And it was a great breakfast.

Then we headed back to the shala for conference with our teacher Sharath.

Last season many of the conferences completely inspired me and filled me full of good stuff to take back home, but since I've been here this time they've been just so so. This one was far beyond that though and started getting my heart juices flowing again and reinvigorated me with the reason why I am here at all. The fact that this practice is a whole lifestyle and is so much more than just the asanas. Now he always says many of these things, but today he dug into it more deeply and his son was there with him which is also a tug on the heart strings, seeing them interact with one another. Sambav is a mini version of Sharath and you can almost imagine what a precocious child he was himself, but also just adorable and funny, which Sharath still is actually.

I'm not going to get into the particulars of what he talked about because that wasn't the point. The point for me is how it affected me and how it will come back out of me in the future, in my teaching and in my life, so that will come in time.

Fumika and I talked later about how much respect we have for him and the disciplined lifestyle he leads and from the teachings he learned from his grandfather how he just keeps wanting to share it with us.

He did address one thing I was most impressed with and I will talk a bit about. Someone asked about some friends of his back home, I believe he was Russian and where he lives there is no authorized teacher and how the new rule of having to study with one or a certified teacher for a few months before being able to apply to study with Sharath is now necessary, so they are wanting to come but won't get to. What should he tell them? And Sharath was right on the ball with his answer and said tell them to wait until you're authorized and then you can teach them and then they can come here. The he went on to expound upon why he set the rule and how with so many coming he can't give them the energy he would need to give them to be able to accept them as a student, so by having them learn all the basics with one of his teachers, who he has approved, then he can know and trust they will know the basics at least when they come and he can help to advance their practice.

In saying this he's not only showing his belief and his support in the teachers he's taken time to cultivate and has authorized them but he's also taking care of himself but not taking on too much, even though he really still does I think. I really appreciated that and it made me appreciate him even more than I did before.

After conference we sped off to see the new installment of the Hunger Games movie franchise, also the final film in the series. It really stuck to the book and I loved it. After that we ate at Dhatu, which I haven't been to much this trip for some reason, and it was really good too.

So I guess I'm just having a damn good day! I'm feeling settled into the groove again of this place and the yoga is taking great affect on my body and mind. At first a lot of emotion was coming out but now its feeling more like I'm integrating those lessons and am able to bring myself around to a more neutral mental place before just reacting and that feels nice.

Now the progress begins. I talked with someone the other day about how one month here really isn't long enough since the first month seems like you're being cut open, the second month feels like the surgery is happening and then the third month is really like being sewn back up. Now at the end of my first month, November, I'm feeling ready for the shifts and realizations that can happen during the surgery!

How are you feeling?

Almost a month here already?!?

It doesn't seem possible that I'm already starting my fourth week of practice here. It barely seems like I've practiced at all here. Craziness I tell you. The first batch is getting ready to go home, some of them anyway, and a new batch will arrive soon. And of course there are those of us who are staying.

Last post I wrote about a lot of emotions coming up and out and that is still going on, but what I find is affecting me the most is the getting up so early. At home I go to bed around 7:30-8pm to wake up at 2:30am to begin practice by 3am so that I can do my asanas, pranayama and chanting before showering, eating breakfast and then heading out to teach. So I come her and get the 4:30am time slot, which is fine by me, and then start getting up again at 2:30 to be ready to practice by 4 (they let us in really early and we actually start at 4am, not 4:30am). The difference is that here I don't have to be anywhere, so don't have to rush through my practice by a certain time.

But last week it was getting to me, the waking up so early. I really felt like not going every day, but I still got up and made it every day. Now today I overslept and missed practice, so am feeling mentally icky and a bit judgmental about it, but I know it will also be okay.

This trip seems to be more emotional in general, not just for me, but for everyone I talk to. This is all a part of the yogic path though, bringing things to the surface to figure them out and not allow that pattern to keep having prominence in your life. Only to move on to another thing to come up and deal with and another and another, it seems. Funny the things we do to ourselves on purpose. But its all in the order of things here in Mysore, we come here for the deeper work. Sure, also to learn new asanas, but mostly to deal with the releases those new asanas give us and live with the diversity so that we can become better people and hopefully learn to live as the example to others as well.

I came here with a large beard, and a growing one too, it seems like its gotten an inch longer since I've been here. But also this need for letting of things has led me to want to cut it off, so I think I'll be to a barber later today to have them cut it short. Often times this is symbolic for me of the letting go I'm trying to enact in my daily life, and that I am feeling as well. Not sure what I'm letting go of but I feel the need to not hold on to anything right now, especially as some of my friends are leaving and new ones will be returning.

I also find myself wanting to hole up and watch movies or tv shows, and so I'm doing a bit of that. I'm enjoying the escape of these shows right now and am not going to judge myself about them, I'm just going to enjoy watching them. I'm trying to follow what feels good and allow that to dictate what I'm doing and so they feel good for now!

We'll see how the rest of this week goes, as I show up for class tomorrow and the rest of the week minus Wednesday which is the full moon here, but maybe I'll practice anyway since I missed today? Maybe not. Again, I'll see how it feels when I wake up that day and go from there.

I'm always wanting to put pics on here as well, but have yet to figure out how to make that happen, if anyone knows feel free to message me about it, thank you!

beginning the third week here..

So this is the third week I'm here, but the second full week of practicing in the shala has just completed. This time the practice is like I'm going backwards instead of progressing forward. Back bending has been phenomenal but twisting and binding has almost felt as it its impossible.

I just talked with a lady who is here for her first time and she was saying, its like I'm taking one step forward and then two steps back. And I'll be damned it that didn't manifest in my body that same week lol. We'll see how this week goes, its a full 6 day week, so no interruptions and that usually helps sort me out, today being the first led class of the week, the next four days will be Mysore style practice ending with another led primary series class.

Another thing has been the emotions coming up. Last Wednesday was the new moon and it was intense the day after and Friday with emotional release after I'd practice, so I took my own version of a ladies holiday on Saturday and Sunday is our normal day off. Shhhhh, don't tell Sharath, he hasn't asked me about it yet.

My friend and student who is here with me has also had a trying time with getting sick a few times already and having family stuff going on back home, so I think this trip is going to be a doozy. A lot of stuff coming up to see how we deal with it, but then I guess each time has its stuff. Last trip was my back and diarrhea, the first one was my weight and anger. I'll let this one unfold and not try to label what it's throwing at me, just try to receive it and be present with whatever comes up.

I thought I had a lot more to write but apparently I don't. I'm sure there will be much more to come, but we'll see.

First week complete...

It's been quite a while since I wrote anything on here, so here it goes.

It's going on my second week back in Mysore but my first full week of practice, tomorrow is our day off. To celebrate we had pizza and chocolate malts which was all so good!

My first week back feels great. I typically don't like led classes and he started out the week with two of them, the first of which was actually fine and the next day was even better. Then we had three days of Mysore in a row, which is self practice of the Ashtanga method and we all had to do primary series since its the first week, then another led class today.

I must say each day my practice got better, felt more amazing and my back bending opened up more and more each of the three Mysore days. Then today's led class was a bust. I got through it, did every posture, but it was like pulling teeth and before that waking up was miserable. I've gotten up pretty easily all week but not this morning!

After practice, since this season I'm starting at 4:30am, really 4am because they are letting us in so early so far, I have plenty of time to get home, chill out, take a hot shower and rub down with oil before heading out of the house for breakfast. Today me and three others went for Indian breakfast at Sri Durga and damn was it so good! I love the Westernized places for breakfast, they are a good place to read and chill, or visit with friends too, but Indian food is so good first thing in the morning I must say.

And today after the led class was conference with Sharath. Last season as the weeks went by he got more and more in the swing and said more and more inspiring things that left me speechless sometimes, crying sometimes, very deeply reflective other times. Today was sort of a generic start off that talked about the deeper dimension of Ashtanga yoga, the 8 limbs. Stuff most of know or have heard of but a good intro for new people. That hall was more packed than I've ever seen it though, I think since he laid out the new rule about having to have studied with an authorized teacher before coming here to see him that many, many new people are going to Saraswathi, so she must be packed, because it was packed in there with many I see around town but not in class with me, but then again I don't see as many people as i used to because I'm so early this year.

When I got here I was among a very few Westerners here already and it was nice to be here so early and watch as so many arrived, fun too because I know so many of them and was and am so happy to see them again. We definitely have a unique thing going on here where we come from so many corners of the globe to meet at this one little town in the middle of south India. I'm very glad to be a part of this too!

But it was also nice to be going around to all the familiar places and enjoying the food I love again and see the local people here whom I have grown so fond of as well. I really am living a blessed life, how many get to visit India yearly and meet up with old friends each time? Well, I know quite a few people, but none from my neck of the woods.

I am so happy that tomorrow is our day of rest, it is much needed, even though I am so happy to be back practicing in the shala with my teacher. And excited to start the second week and see what it brings. Also one of my students is here with me this time, so getting to share this experience with her has been so awesome too. But she is studying with Saraswathi so is also getting to have her own experience as well.

I'll end for now, but as I move through this time here I hope to write more. Lately I've been feeling more internal and writing in my journal rather than on here, but hopefully I'll find expression on this page as well. I look forward to sharing it with you!

See you soon...

Self expression

So, I'm driving in my car just a few moments ago listening to Grace Jones' last album, Hurricane, it came out in Europe in 2009 and here in 2011. I bought it from amazon on a whim and damn, I've been listening to it for over a year now. But after seeing her again recently on a couple of youtube videos that show her performing as a now 67 year old woman, who is still vibrant, in shape and as expressive as ever (those who grew up in the 70's and 80's will remember her visual form of expression well, as well as her interesting vocals, or songs if you prefer), it made me pull her album back out and give it another listen.

I must preface this by saying that a friend of mine and I went to see Abraham last weekend, or rather see Esther Hicks channel Abraham and the energy in the room was awesome and something that I was holding inside broke loose and now I feel more free than I ever have. Vibrant and happy and seeking expression in many, many different ways. But I digress...

So, the first line of the first song on the album, the song is called This Is Life..., is "this is my voice, my weapon of choice." Brilliant. She does use visuals for sure, but if you listen to this album, hell, if you listen to the lyrics on all of her albums they are groundbreaking. She expresses her opinions very clearly and very well and very artisticly. This I believe is something that all of us need to do, figure out what our medium is and use it to bring out the stuff we have inside. Which brings to mind my favorite quote from the Gnostic Gospel of Thomas, attributed to being said by Jesus,

If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

I love that. It tells it straight forward. Now, it also can scare the fuck out of you right? So basically its saying if you don't express yourself that stuff you're holding back will kill you from the inside out! Scary as hell. But it can also be a big kick to dig in deep, figure out what's in there and let it start to boil to the surface and find a form of expression that satisfies it, which is the way I'm choosing to look at it.

So, I'm driving, listening to Grace, with all this energy flowing through me and wondering, hmmm, she uses her voice to express herself, and very much as equally uses costumes to accentuate her appearance and other forms of physical and visual expression, including hula hooping while wearing fully vinyl outfit and 6 inch heels and singing "Slave to the Rhythm" and all the while being 67. So what in the fuck in my form of self expression? What rings my bells?

I have to say first of all, interacting with others. I love to talk to people, see what makes them tick and blend it with my views on life and see what concoction comes out of it. First and foremost that is my choice of expression. What else?

Well, I love to teach. Teaching, especially lately with this great core group of students I have and this new group of other teachers coming in to try out Ashtanga, I've been more inspired than ever to teach it more and more. But even more so to practice and give it more of my energy. Practicing also moves more and more energy through my body which in turn also feeds my need for expression but also feeds the creativity of what wants to come out of me, and it seems to want it more often. This week especially, I assume after being in the presence of Abraham last Saturday, I'm so, so inspired and full of energy that I almost can't stand myself, but then I channel it and find more energy on top of that, crazy.

But also, I love to write. When I was a child I used to draw. I would draw new characters, characters based on comic book heroes I loved, but also my own creations and I would give them interesting suits or outfits and hairdos, then I would color it in. It was very fulfilling to me, but I also made up storylines and where they were going, how they dealt with situations and what happened to them was almost, if not more, interesting to me to come up with. But I also read books voraciously. I couldn't stop. I still to this day love to read, fiction and non-fiction, as long as its well written. I love it. So one day I took up writing this blog and found it interesting how I felt afterwards. Like I'd let go of some crap that wasn't serving me anymore. Then I got a lot of responses after writing maybe ten or so blog entries and it dawned on me, oh, people are actually reading this. I also discovered that it was so cathartic to have it be read by folks I didn't even know and that they were identifying with it. Then I got the bug, so I would write a lot.

Lately I've not been writing as much. I've been really trying to figure out how my last trip to Mysore affected me and what wants to come of the ideas I've got coming up. So the starting of the Mysore program here is only the beginning of that expression, there is more to come after this upcoming trip.

This week I found myself writing long statuses on Facebook, both on my yoga page and my personal page, which made me realize that I've been missing the writing as a form of expression. So while driving tonight this blog entry started to formulate in my mind and I was taking a walk at the park so had to get in the car and rush home to write this. There might even be more wanting to come out, I'll see if another entry comes up tomorrow. But I do think that I'm going to have to make writing more of a priority, it does really fulfill me and help me keep stuff from getting all backed up inside. Once it backs up enough it starts to manifest physically as a tight spot, or muscle issue, or spinal problem or a headache, so I need to keep it flowing.

This is my public commitment to keep flowing the energy, allowing it expression through my teaching, through my voice (and yes, I'd love to sing too if you wanna give me a try) and through my writing. Maybe I'll even write a book. I could start it while I'm in Mysore again. I always doubt anyone would read it but I have a lot of stories people love to hear like my upbringing and discovering spirituality, rather than Christianity, through Shirley MacLaine's books. Then after moving out of the house partying all the time, becoming a Wiccan, performing in drag for almost a year, partying some more, finding myself to have a sexual addiction which manifested in many different ways for well over fifteen years, finding yoga while working in the corporate world, becoming a Sikh in the middle of America where most are provincial and fundamentalist Christians, walking around publicly wearing a turban after 911 and everyone thinking I was going to blow them up, going to India and meeting people from all over the globe.... These are just to name a few, so maybe I have some content to fill up a book with.

Do you have a form of self expression? Are you feeling blocked and/or backed up and like there are things needing to come out or else they will destroy you from the inside out? Remember, it's your choice to feel this way. You can choose to start to seek ways to allow this stuff to flow out from you. Go look at art, listen to a singer at a pub or coffeehouse, read a book you might never have thought about before, or just sit down and write something, anything, to get the juices flowing.

We all have things that light us up, that turn our cranks, that really get us feeling alive. Do you figure out what they are and allow them to the surface, or keep them locked away to eventually kill you of some disease? I saw let them free, get it moving now, don't waste another minute.

The energy on this planet, in this universe, is flowing at a faster rate than ever. Are you up to speed with it or not???

The energy of transformation...

This has been on my mind a lot lately, probably because so many things are changing and its starting to feel like your feet are coming out from under you to keep up, sound familiar?

So when you feel that pressure, you're drawn to do the thing that you're doing, let's say your asana practice (maybe since in the Ashtanga method that's a daily hurdle), that next posture is coming up, you know you don't love it, but you know that when you're finished with it it feels better and it feels like you've moved past something, or through something. For me this used to be standing up, I'd seemingly been able to drop back more easily than I thought I would, even though there was that fear of plonking down onto your head I could still do it, but the standing up comes first. My first trip to Mysore Sharath taught me the full primary series after 6 weeks then started me on standing up and dropping back the 7th week, then came the end of my time there and I had a meeting with him and he sent me home with that as my "homework," the second trip I had different homework, now looms my third trip where the homework from my first trip is finally dare I use the word easy? No, easier, yes, it is easier. I can now stand up and drop back with less trepidation than ever before and lately its almost been as if its easy. Now, my homework from last trip I won't discuss, its still not easy, I am getting closer to it, but its not easy.

So when those standing up and dropping back thingees were coming up I'd feel it, it was a like I was under pressure and when I got there I'd have built it up to be much more than it should've been. That pressure, and the fact that there is less of it now, some days even none, is the transmutation of that energy into a new thing. I like to say, "yes, in this practice we are trying to kill you. (long pause) Kill those little parts of your psyche that are no longer serving you to be exact, so you are in a cocoon right now waiting to break through that tough shell to emerge as a butterfly." So, it may be true that in this practice there are many levels of transformation, or layers to be shed, or veils to be lifted, but each time it feels like that, transforming into a new way of thinking or being.

Well, that pressure you feel, which can often feel like a completely real physical pressure, is the neural synopses pulling away from one another. Now you may read that and say what the fuck?!? But when we get in a pattern, or a habit of thought or of doing things a certain way it gets comfortable and when comfortable there is no transformation happening, yes I said that. So when you're trying to change a habit, either of thought or of physical action, those synopses in the brain that are used to firing together, trading electrical impulses that help keep you exactly where you are, and you introduce a new way of doing something or of thinking, they start to have to pull away from one another, to learn to fire in a new pattern with a different set of synopses and many will say "its making my head hurt." Well, yes, it literally is making your head hurt, that pulling away can also feel like pressure. Not pressure in a specific place, but just pressure, like stress, like you're on the verge of changing and it's easier to go back to the old way but you're drawn to the new way so you want to keep moving forward and its too much! AAaaaahhhhh!!!

LOL

This is the time when people often stop their yoga practice, they can't take it, they don't want any more change to come and are ready to just relax and be comfortable for a while. Well, this is exactly the time to not give up and to push forward, now I don't mean push as in physically because that will result in injury, and learning from an injury is a whole other topic of conversation, but pushing past the boundaries of your limited thinking. Stopping thinking in scarcity or lack, start thinking in abundance and fertility. But that's hard, isn't it? Yes, but if you do it and once the pressure lifts you are on the other side of it and it feels like ease, like feeling better, like flow and allowing yourself to go with the flow. And that's not to say there won't be new obstacles to your thought processes in the future but once you've made it through one transformation, the next one you may be a bit less apprehensive to tackle.

Think of it this way, a diamond and coal are essentially the same in chemical properties right? But the diamond is viewed as the most precious of stones used in jewelry, especially for a wedding band, so a big symbol, but it's also used to channel light into a laser beam, in fact its the only stone hard enough and strong enough internally to be used this way, all the others are inferior. So what's the different between it and coal? I huge amount of pressure is applied, yes pressure. The earth squeezes the hell out of the carbon compound until it pressurizes, its atoms actually come closer together and turn it into this harder than rock substance.

So if you think of yourself in these terms, would you rather be a piece of coal, or a diamond?

The transformation of yourself into a better version of yourself is always a noble goal and something I think we should all be being trained to do in life, not just in yoga practice, but to create that state of being known as yoga (union).

So if you're feeling pressure, lean into it, think of the outcome. Don't run away from it, then you'll just be the same person and will still draw more of that same situation to yourself until you actually do it. A teacher said to me when I first started this trip to becoming a more conscious being, "at first you'll get a tap on the shoulder, then when that goes unattended you'll get both shoulders grabbed and a good shake given to you, then when you don't respond to that you'll trip in the street and hit your head on the concrete, then when you still don't notice or do anything about it maybe you'll have a serious car wreck... Now this may sound extreme, but we're meant to grow, to expand and to transform ourselves. We are all caterpillars waiting to become butterflies and the universe won't stop knocking on your door until you answer it. Would you rather answer that tap on the shoulder? or once you're lying in the hospital recovering from that huge car accident where you broke some limbs, that's up to you, but me I feel every tap these days and say, oh what's that about?"

I love that, and its stayed with me all these almost 16 years I've been practicing and the many more years that I was wondering about the deeper things in life before finally taking a step toward them instead of away from them.

Deepening...

I haven't written much lately and the truth is it's because I've been having great conversations lately that have left me fulfilled and I haven't felt the need for release as I often do when writing a blog. Not that I want to vent here, it's not at all what I'm trying to do, but I usually have something to say and the only thing is that it's like giving birth, or releasing something into the world for better or worse.

Lately everything has been shifting. I've been feeling it, in my body, in my mind, in my practice, in my interactions with others and in observation of others and their behaviour towards one another and me. So I open Facebook as I was sitting at my favorite vegan place drinking a coconut water and eating a truffle and someone I met in Mysore last season had written a blog about how everything is shifting and she's feeling it in her practice, mostly in kapotasana using that posture in particular as the crux of the point she was wanting to express, but as I was reading it I also realized that I was having this happen and it was manifesting in my practice.

About a month ago I was in Chicago with four of my students to see David Robson, known in the Ashtanga world as the Learn to Float guy or also the guy with the largest Mysore program, outside of Mysore, on the planet. During the led primary class he kept saying suck your belly back but then would also cue to lengthen the chest or sternum forward also extending the chin to as to gaze at the toes. All of this I've heard before, from my original teacher Nancy Gilgoff, from Kino and a few others. But this time it stuck and made sense and has deepened my experience of forward bending since then. Then it dawned on my that I was in Mysore this last trip and during back bending Youngblood Roche, who was assisting Sharath, kept having me do this same motion which feels to me like its extending from my mid/lower thoracic region of my spine up through my sternum, thereby opening up my chest and my upper spine, then also allowing my shoulders to plug in just right to my back muscles and making standing up and dropping back much more "easy" if there is such a thing. But the aha moment was that it was the same action, just manifested in a different posture, but the connection really opened me up, opened up my mind to a lot of possibility and from that all is shifting.

Noticing these things within the microcosm of my body via my practice has also made me notice how these things are manifesting in the macrocosm of my life. I often think of the time on the mat as my precursor to how my day is going to go and I can make choices as to how to act or react to things, to breathe deeper into them to expand them and let them grow, or even to let them go and feel that surrender and release within my practice, also within my life. So, these deepenings are also showing up in my conversations, as I said earlier, the connections lately have been profound and very deep, whether laughing, crying, or talking philosophy and getting so excited the hairs on my body stand up, those times are times connecting with other people, and thereby deepening our connection to ourselves. I subscribe to the idea that everyone in our life is mirroring an aspect of ourselves back to us allowing us see where we are, and the studies I've done in the Law of Attraction have only proven this to be true.

Mine however as my friends article focused much on a particular posture, has not focused on any one posture in my practice. It's just been overall more deep, another deepening, yes. Having this opening in my spine and in my chest often makes way for big openings on the energetic level, and these areas are the third and fourth chakras, so areas that are often full of blockages for most people so that means the energy may finally be moving in this area for me, which is commonly in yogic terms, or in fluffy modern day yogic terms anyway, known as a "heart opening." I've been very easy to cry, very easy to feel happy and laugh hysterically, very easy to get excited and feel the energy stand my hairs up, but not necessarily so easy to get sad, but very easy to get anxious at times (as in the case of applying to study with Sharath in Mysore again and not finding out whilst all my friends were getting confirmation, then finding housing and then buying the plane ticket, now they are finished and I'm much more calm lol). But mostly its about the feeling and being with it, and then the ease of letting it go, still observing that it's there but not being of it, letting it rule my mind for the rest of the day.

It's also manifesting as an opening in my practice, I'm finding it easier to get up and begin it and maintain the focus throughout it, but also the twists are deeper, the breath is fuller, the backbends are deeper, the shoulders more open, the floating lighter and more controlled and yet free at the same time, the forward bends much more sustainable than they ever used to feel. Just all around, it seems "easier" which I've put in quotes because I don't want to jinx myself and wake up tomorrow to the hardest practice I've ever encountered!

All in all this deepening of life is a good thing, so I embrace it and while things will continue to change and may not be so "easy" as they seem to be right now, I know I'll be able to make it through any and all of it, probably due to my practice. My time on my mat is like a science experiment, a sort of litmus test, to see how I'm going to choose to make it through my day and so I hope to always choose what would seem to be the "right" way of approaching any situation, but I know I won't always choose that way. I like challenges a little bit too much hahaha! But within these challenges I'll still be steadfast and solid in knowing that it's just another part of my path unfolding...