Mysore...

Feelings this morning while I was doing my practice that I was in the shala in Gokulam practicing with Sharath watching over me during led class. I kept my pace and didn't lose any time fidgeting and was finished in 1 hour and 10 minutes.

Then later I open Facebook to see my friends little video she made about what's really going on in Mysore, the Mystery of Mysore. Some say just their physical practice, but I've always had an easier time practicing at home alone than in the shawl.

The energy in there is intense to me and it makes me lose my focus, so I have to work that much harder, with my mind, to keep my focus and then that alone brings up all the buried emotional baggage I have. We have. And then we have a chance to work through them rather than keep them buried, or to just rebury them again and have to deal with hem later in life. I prefer to deal with them when they come up these days. Many years of burying shit allows for a lot of stuff to come up now, and it seems to come up in Mysore more than anywhere else.

This was the gist of most of the conversation in the video but it also got me thinking of m own experiences. Which are mostly the same but of course different because they are mine. So all of us seem to have it and that is why we go there, to learn more of the physical practice, which then brings more of the inner stuff up and then we work through it.

My little brother and I went most days to Santosha to eat breakfast, but we called it recovery. We had practiced, we had went home and showered and/or slept a bit then went there first thing in the morning and sat on their purple couch, allowing all the things that came up to just be there and sometimes we'd talk through them, sometimes we'd just let them be. It's the beauty there, everyone understands because they're also going through it so they don't pry or push, unless they're brand new sometimes, they just let you be where you are. It's good.

So when I wrote about having no clarity, then I actually got some. Part of that was that I want to be in Mysore, and when me and my travel companion bought our tickets I felt this immediate relief, my body and mind were like, yes HOME! So then more came as I looked at the dates and realised it was two weeks before we leave and arrive there. That made me realise we should just go to Uttarkashi, then when I see Sharath I can have some experience of the place to talk to him about it with more information. So I have someone checking on places to stay and Swami already checked on how to get there from here, so that is in the works. It may only be a little over a week, but It think the time will be better served up there than just lying around here.

There's not too much to do here in Rishikesh, if you're not doing a 200 or 500 hour level teacher training program. That is literally the majority of what goes on here. And you know I'm not doing that! I even thought about teaching here and put the word out a bit and there is some interest but not enough, so I'm not putting a lot of effort into it. Sharath told me maybe I should teach in Uttarkashi so I want to see it there and if I think it will work, it's a remote town and not a lot of tourists there, so we'll see.

In Mysore I can see him and talk about all this, work out what is the best to do and maybe stay a few weeks and enjoy the feeling of home. My temples are there, many people I know and love and the energy of Sharath, the energy of Ashtanga is there, so that drives my practice nicely. Pattabhi worked long and hard to establish this yoga method there and you can feel it.

I'm ready to teach though, I'm missing it. Teaching in Germany was very fulfilling and it gave me a new drive for it, so it feels like there's a little hole there. My own practice, then teaching, then going about my day. Hopefully that will change soon, not sure where, but I feel it coming.

Okay, going for a dip in the Ganga, it's hot here and she is cold. Then lunch after. Catch you later!

Clarity is coming...

So, I wrote about having doubts and lack of clarity and I got all sorts of private messages and support. I appreciate it from everyone, but I was really writing to just clear the cobwebs and let go of the shit in there.

Varanasi really fucked me up and I couldn't get my brain to work, then when I came here to Rishikesh I immediately started having sinus problems, but its all stuff coming out from the crap in the air in Varanasi, so I was having sinus pressure and pain and my head felt like it was 50 lbs.

After I wrote I felt better, but then the sinuses started to clear up and coughing started as its coming out more and it's all good.

As a result of this my mind started working again and I got clarity, we found an app that I was referred to that has cheap flights to Mysore from a town that's only about 20 minutes away. We were able to get two tickets and are flying to Mysore on July 7 just in time for the Guru Purnima celebration and immediately when I woke up this morning after buying them last night I looked at dates and realised oh, that's two weeks away. So why can't we go to see Uttarkashi between now and then?

And so we're working on that. We found out how to get there, which isn't so easy but it is accessible, then online is showing only really high rates that equal $581 for the 13 days we'd be there, which is not going to happen. But everyone keeps saying oh you can get rooms there for 300-500 rupees, which is doable, so again, we're still working on it.

Once the mind clears up the body follows (and both are a result of spirit feeling lighter I believe) so this morning my practice was quite energised and amazing and I did a lot more than I've been able to do since I got back to India, even drop backs were great.

So then of course other things followed as well. I was sitting at this little quiet spot on the ghats I like that's sort of hidden, but has some little temples and things that just make it special and these local guys were playing the guitar and singing, and the djimbe, so it was quite lovely. Then this father and his three sons and daughter came down and just hung out, one boy asked my name, so I asked his, the other offered me a tic tac, the father told me about his store up on the main road. Then it was time to leave.

So I went home and took a nap, wrote some emails and decided around 4pm it was time for my daily dip in the Ganga so I headed back to that same place and got undressed, went it, came out and was sitting there meditating and I could hear these little feet all around me, walking from one side to the other, looking at me I could feel too. I opened my eyes and looked at him, it was the son who'd offered me a tic tac and so we sat and talked for quite a while. He's 12 but I would've guessed 8 but man his intelligence and English almost rivalled my own. He was telling me about his families shop and gave me a card so I could decide it I needed anything from it. And really wanted me to swim for him since his parents won't let him. He's very sweet and it was another lovely experience.

As I was walking home from eating just after this two Asian ladies on the street recognised me from my Instagram account as an Authorised Ashtanga teacher and asked me to teach them since the yoga here isn't so good, their words, and every studio here has Ashtanga, Iyengar, etc, etc, but not taught by people who actually study these yogic traditions authentically, usually young boys who've went to another class somewhere and come there to teach after hahaha. Anyhow, so I got a teaching gig now!

Then I got to chat with Jody from back home, not too long because the wifi sucked but enough.

I'm not a big proponent of bitching and moaning because I believe if you get in the heat of the emotions then you just keep drawing that same stuff back to you. But writing it all out with a letting go of any connection to it can work. I just proved it to myself, as I let go of it more room was made for the other better feelings that I know I am capable of and so they swept in and the clarity was there to smooth out the path for them.

I love this stuff, this yoga stuff, this consciousness stuff, this deepening our level of awareness stuff. Sometimes it seems so dark that you can't possible imagine coming out from it but if you stick with it, even embrace the dark and just be with it, make peace with it really, then light starts to come in, or rather the veils covering the light are removed and boom, there you are again.

I'm feeling more myself again, and I'm grateful for it. When I'm being authentically me I like myself, when I'm pinching myself off from that inner light, not so much...

Doubts...

So, I'm back in India and not finding that place that I find inside me when I'm here. I know that place is accessible no matter where I am, I found it in Germany even, but I'm unable to get back to it.

So maybe I'm wrong, maybe I was saying India is my home, India feels like home, maybe it's just Mysore that is home? I've been daydreaming about Mysore a lot lately and have been told to come down there for Guru Purnima on July 9th so am thinking about going. But I really do want to check out Uttarkashi too. So do I stay here in Rishikesh until closer to time to go there or go there now, or go on to Uttarkashi and check it out, then have that extra time to get back to Dehradun and then fly down there?

I'm also used to having easy access to my instincts and they just are not clicking in at all. My brain feels like it's in a fog most days, some days are clearer than others but some are not. What is going on?!?

I've also been thinking about St. Louis, so maybe I'm just supposed to be there. Sharath originally told me he wanted me to be there teaching and maybe that is just where I'm supposed to go and teach. I do know it well, I do well there as far as my teaching goes. I have amazing friends there, but I also have amazing friends all around the globe that I could potentially find a place to teach in. My family is also there, most of them anyway. And they speak English.

I've always done fine with my English and slight knowledge of Kannada in Mysore, so another point for going there. Here it's okay but Hindi is the language mostly spoken, and English, but I also did okay in Germany speaking mostly English and a couple of their words.

OMG, just bear with me while I work through this in writing lol, and sorry but with the body/mind instinctual connection not kicking in so well seeing this stuff in writing is the only way I can do this!

So, Uttarkashi maybe, see how I feel about it. I know how I'll feel about it already, it's beautiful there, and peaceful and in the mountains and on the Ganga, so surrounded by nature which I now know I cannot be without. But then to Mysore? Yes, I really want to go to Mysore, so I should. Maybe at the ceremony for Guru Purnima I can see Sharath and talk to him about me working for him there, which we did briefly discuss when I met with him last December.

And then if none of the things work out, then St. Louis or another place to set up a program, or to take over a program and settle in a bit, make some money and find a rhythm.

That's it, I'm missing my rhythm. I'm unable to find it here, forget Varanasi, there was no way for me to find it there, but here I've found more peace and more connection, but still not my rhythm which is something I'm very used to having access to easily. Hmmmm, maybe typing this out has been a good thing, even though for you reading it may have been annoying!

Back in India...

Well, here I am in Rishikesh. I haven't written in a while and there's a reason.

I was in Varanasi. A city I'd been drawn to come to for some years. I hated it. Every moment of it.

Now, when I realised I was sabotaging myself, which is always the case, I chose to change my mind and see things differently it got better and I was able to enjoy myself and the odd experiences there more. But it was still so hot that my brain wouldn't work. Also my laptop was too powerful for the wifi there, so I couldn't use it either. So the heat and that are enough to keep one from posting anything or writing too long of a blog, or a blog at all hahaha...

I am a temple whore. I love to go into temples and feel the energy, especially if its a deity I know about and have a love for their stories, but in Varanasi, maybe in the north of India as a whole, they are very different. In Mysore the deities are tucked safely away in their own sanctum sanctorum, or alcoves, the people are very respectful. They are open armed and welcoming and there is a certain protocol. These things don't exist here in the north, or in Varaasi anyway.

Once in the Kala Bhairava temple I was even yelled at and made to feel less because I wasn't giving enough money for this little ceremony they'd done for me which involved being beaten with a black stick btw, so it was not pleasant!

I wasn't even allowed in the Kashi Vishwanath temple, one of the oldest in the land, because I didn't bring my passport. How was I to know that would be needed?!? But after an aggravating night trying to get in there I went to a lovely temple on the way back home and the night felt redeemed. The people were lovely, welcoming and didn't bug us for cash.

The temples weren't my only experiences for sure, but they are some of the most dramatic. There was a lovely dosa place, there is Baba Lassi which uses a very old school family recipe to prepare and make different flavored lassis and boy I could use on right now! There were the ghats that led to the Ganga. There was this little South Indian temple in the lineage of Shankaracharya that was quiet, and felt like home. There was even a great Hanuman temple in the city more that was so quaint and the priests really involved us in the ceremony.

Then there was the night after that, we'd gotten full flower malls around our necks from this Hanuman temple and as we were coming home at dusk decided that they would just die in the room because it was so hot in there so we decided to put them in the Ganga. I was looking at these kids so happily playing in her, splashing and making lots of noise, that I neglected to notice there was a hole that the shit and urine from the above hotels was creeping out of there about three steps up and I stepped right into it, slid and landed on my left hip, elbow and shoulder. The same side I'd hurt when I was in my wreck in Mysore last fall, and the same areas again got injured. I bounced/slid down almost into the Ganga which is so filthy here that as a Westerner I would get sick from getting in. I was sort of in shock but all these kids came swimming over, oh, you are our friend, here, lets wash it off of you, and they helped me clean up as best as possible. But it still took three washings to get the shit and the smell of shit out of those shorts! After a few days practice the bruises were going away and only my shoulder now still hurts in the same place from the earlier mentioned wreck, but it's okay too.

Anyhow, my travel companion and I left early. Were able to get train tickets leaving this past Tuesday and came to Rishikesh.

Now the train ride was 24 hours, which is a miserable amount of time, but I met an older couple coming here for a meditation retreat at an ashram and a French clown who teaches children to juggle and is an avid meditator. He is staying in the same guest house as us, but the other two are are Sri Sri Ravi Shankar's ashram until today, then they go back home. Retired now they are enjoying pursuing the spiritual life and what it's bringing to their daily lives.

So even though its a long time to either sit or lie down it could have been worse.

Now I'm here in the foothills of the Himalayas, and with a clean Ganga to bathe in daily and many sadhus walking around and far too many Westerners walking around too! It's a bit too commercial for my liking with a yoga school on every corner offering Iyengar, Ashtanga, Vinyasa flow, tantric, and all other sorts of classes taught by 22 year olds who've not practiced much in their life. Very judgmental of me, yes, I know...

But its still better than my last location, and the trees, the temples, the people, even though used to seeing white faces are still a lot more soft and easy than in Varanasi. Not like in Mysore at all ,very different, but still nicer than that.

ok, off here to go to the Ganga for a swim and I hope you're enjoying your summer!

Eye of the Hurricane

It's a short chapter but I remember reading it years back, it even mentions the side glance of Kali having the power of lightning. So Kali gives side eye as well?!? No wonder I'm so drawn to her lol...

But the relevance of the chapter never stuck out so strongly today. So I envisioned a hurricane, just as the title suggests, and the eye of it. When you're in the eye you think you are safe. And you are, but there is a storm all around you, a very destructive one to be exact.

I also started remembering times in my life where I felt as if I were in a maelstrom and what happened. I always got really quiet, went inside, felt peaceful and almost more safe than before. Was able to sit back and look at the storm as it was going on around me, transforming things, shifting them, making them expand or completely destroying them to make room for something new.

Does this mean I'm naturally a yogi? Who knows, maybe karmically they'd say I was a yogi in another life and so did the work to get to that place then and so now its a bit easier for me to achieve. I have done a lot of work for a long time so at some point this should have been something I achieved I would think. But is it always that way? No, of course not. The work is never done.A calm centre within the middle of the storm of life, that is where "we" really reside, is it not? I think so. We are observers, having the experience but being of it and also not of it. And ideally we ought to be able to find our way back to that spot when needed.

So immediately I was tested, a thing happened that pulled me into the tumult and I got in it and messy for a bit. I caught that I was doing that and just observed for a minute, it got a bit ugly and felt awful inside, but I was able to pull myself back to the quiet centre and let go of it to a degree. Funny isn't it how that happens?

It's the way its supposed to be, we manifest the things that are going on inside of us, outside of us. Wait, didn't I write a blog about that?!? Yes, so I won't get into that again. Everything is showing you where you are, everything. People, events, the weather, birds shitting on you, or not, etc. So take heed of everything, notice where you are and how you've been feeling when something happens that draws you into it, rather than being able to stay back and be in the calm place.

That's why I like the yoga, not just the asana (and yes look around, I did an asana shoot so pics are coming out there again) but all parts of it. Yes in our system of Ashtanga Yoga we start with the asanas to bring us deeply into a state of awareness and consciousness that noticing the things will be easier, so its a great place to start. But the work isn't just there, it's everywhere and in everything and all the fucking time!

Svadhyaya...

Been reading a lot here, if you've read my other posts it started because it was cold and rainy when I first got here and I was mostly indoors so I threw myself more into my study of everything, asanas, pranayama and mantra.

Today is my day off so I tend to go to a coffee shop and read a book and write in my journal and this morning I took Pattabhi's Yoga Mala and Sharath's Astanga Yoga Anusthana and read them comparitively. Comparing in the ways of presentation only, curious about the differences.

I've only studied with Pattabhi on his tours, two of them to be exact and well over ten years ago both of them. But Sharath I've spent three months a year with for the last four seasons in Mysore, so I know his take on things but couldn't remember how he put them in his book.

What I found was that his book is super simple, almost nothing for each asana. And his description of the Yamas and Niyamas very simple too, but very nice concepts of each of them. The ahimsa one I especially love... but that's for another time maybe.

I noticed Yoga Mala has very simple concepts but presented very knowledgeably and well. And very interesting ideas that aren't put to students in western classes, almost ever. Much of his instruction is about lifting your anus and sometimes saying lift the anus very sharply or very tightly, and drawing the belly in deeply, those two along with breathing in and out as much as possible are probably the most used instructions. Which I find interesting.

Sharath mostly just lays out the vinyasa and when to inhale and exhale, but he also leaves out many of his uncounted breaths that when you're in class with him you'll get, and leaves out many of the breaths of getting into an asana or out of it. Pattabhi puts both of them in there along with the lifting anus tightly and drawing the belly in while doing breathing a lot.

I find that since I've been with Sharath much more I hear his voice inside my head most of all, but he still even in person doesn't give much detail because he really wants you to figure things out or ask if you need the info. While Pattabhi wrote his book as if it was going to be a text book for a class. The newest one is just a simplified version of the older one. And Sharath will often tell you to refer to Yoga Mala, so I always do.

And on days where I've moved to pull Yoga Mala out and read it I will always be reminded of something and do it the next time I practice and see what it brings for me. Tomorrow morning will be the anus and the belly stuff. Last time I did it I cannot remember what it was that stuck out but I did it and then it fixed whatever problem I was having with my back, so let's see how this goes.

I love this shit. I love the experimenting, not in a dangerous way, but in a way that brings more awareness to things that sometimes we lose track of. How often were you in class where the teacher reminded you to lift your anus? Not often, unless you're in class with me of course lol. But also when the proponent of the system was so strong on mentioning something under almost every asana, and even in a few asanas telling you to release your anus completely, that is something I think one should pay attention to. I look on this as svadhyaya. Self Study.

Now that can mean many things. It can mean studying the scriptures on your own. Taking it into your own initiative to learn Sanskrit. In this case deepening your awareness of things your teacher may have mentioned within your asana practice, or any number of things. And to me then seeing how that changes you in your daily life, or in your practice, or in both and most importantly in your mind! That is the thing here right? Sharath mentions in his book svadhyaya could be your teacher mentioning Ganapati and then you go home and study to find out who that is and what he stands for. I really like this too. It's not the teachers job to hold your hand, it is there job to guide you and yours to figure things out within your own body, within your own mind, within your own being. And I try to do this, always.

Go to Mysore study with Sharath, then see how it all works with what I'm learning the rest of the year. I even think it's not great for people to always practice in a shala, day in, day out, for years. I think its healthy to go 3-5 times a week and practice at home the other days so that you can see how what you learn unfolds in your own practice. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't want you all to go to your shells, just saying don't be scared to do the practice you're learning there at home, or on vacation in a hotel room, or at your families/friends house when you're visiting them. All of it is good, as long as you're using it to grow and to become more within yourself and allowing that to then manifest without.

This is what I'm doing now and it's working well so far, I hope it carries over as I transition to India in two weeks and there begins to get deeper even. You? Do you do this? Or are you completely dependent on going to your shala? Do you read and write outside of the physical practice to see how you feel about things and where you stand within yourself? None of it is bad, all of it is what it is to you, so don't worry about my judgment or even think I'm judging you. I'm just presenting ideas here and seeing if they come to fruition with any of you, they are with me these days. I do go long periods of time where they don't as well, but right now they are.

So see what this brings up for you and move forward with it, do something with it, don't just read it and then nothing...

LOL, have a great weekend.

Germany...

I've never had any desire to come to Germany, nor any compulsion not to just to be fair, but when I arrived here it was warm and sunny in India but was cold, overcast and rainy here. I did not know the language and assumed I'd pick it up quickly because I'm good with languages usually, but having studied French that made Spanish and Italian easier. German, or Deutsch as its really called, is not so simple. It's a very complex language, even though many words are the same or almost the same as they are in English and English is a Germanic language, most of the words and phrases are very far removed from what we English speakers know.

So I'd go to the market and have to type every word into Google translate until slowly they started clicking and I remembered them more often. But before then I was slowly becoming depressed. I got pretty down in fact and blamed it all on Germany, or Deutschland as it's really called. Why do other countries change the names of countries and cities rather than just adapt ourselves to pronouncing them correctly with the original titles given them?!? But that is another story...

I had a great connection with the students right away and it grew quickly, so that was the one saving grace. And that and my practice of asana, chanting and studying books and writing and just digging in to it all was my anchor.

Slowly, slowly I started to realise that I know that these things have nothing to do with Germany. They are my things manifesting all around me. So as I got more and more connected to the students and more students started coming more regularly and more often as this connection began to take hold for them too, I started seeing that it was my choice to be miserable. And I slowly was able to bring myself back to feeling like me again. But moreso and different as well. As is always the case when one grows from an experience.

In fact now I feel that coming here saved me in many ways.

When Sharath authorized me I got a lot of focus and loved the idea of sharing this practice more and more in different places, but I also love the idea of having a home base in India. And Sharath having told me to possibly teach in Uttarkashi sounded wonderful, but I've never been there, so what if I don't like it? But I'm not back in India yet so I can't judge that until I get there and see.

So an idea emerged of teaching there for a possible season, since it does have a winter that I'll love to avoid lol, probably 6-7 months, then having three months to study with Sharath, then another three months to travel and teach where I'm needed maybe in India, but maybe in Europe and the US as well. Costa Rica is probably coming up too, but that again is another story.

Then more started happening, I started realizing that being authorised also does just give you your teachers authority to share this practice, and gives you this clarity, or rather gave me this clarity. It also is teaching you to surrender to this path as a service to others. I am sharing my 17 years of what I've gained through this practice with others and also learning from them as well. It's quite an interesting and awesome thing.

So I'm still here in Germany but in just two weeks from tomorrow I leave for Varanasi to begin a bit of a journey around the north of India before I settle in to teach somewhere. Many of the holy places I'll finally get to see and with a travel companion who is also practicing Ashtanga and is from South India as well. So I'm expecting an adventure, and India being India, I'm quite sure it will deliver.

But a big part of my journey to India is this trip in Germany. I've got a lot of students here who really like the way I teach and I hope will visit me there as well, I also have some I may not connect with as much, and everything in between. I also have created a little home for myself in a country where I don't know the language but have found little pockets here and there that just feel so much like home. Little cafes with great chai, little cafes with great sandwiches and servers that I really connect with, an amazing falafel place where they understand my broken Deutsch enough to give me vier falafel instead of svei on the Halumi teller, movie theatres that show movies in English, not dubbed into German which is the norm here, and where the staff knows me now. I even found a little south Indian place serving idly and dosa made by a lady from Mysore! Notice, all of this revolves around food hahahaha, I do like to eat, but I'm eating with more consciousness than I used to.

Also I know the streets, and understand the train system where I didn't when I arrived and would end up in god knows where, and I have people to take long walks with and grass in the grünergürtel to lie in the sun in and even a river to go visit whilst eating a little pizza and being surrounded by pigeons.

It's a great place and everywhere has its issues, just look at the US, UK, even India, but I'm focusing on the good right now. When you focus on the good, the good comes back to you and surrounds you and so it is. Thank you Germany for being you and giving me focus and strength to find new ways to be happy!