Doubts...

So, I'm back in India and not finding that place that I find inside me when I'm here. I know that place is accessible no matter where I am, I found it in Germany even, but I'm unable to get back to it.

So maybe I'm wrong, maybe I was saying India is my home, India feels like home, maybe it's just Mysore that is home? I've been daydreaming about Mysore a lot lately and have been told to come down there for Guru Purnima on July 9th so am thinking about going. But I really do want to check out Uttarkashi too. So do I stay here in Rishikesh until closer to time to go there or go there now, or go on to Uttarkashi and check it out, then have that extra time to get back to Dehradun and then fly down there?

I'm also used to having easy access to my instincts and they just are not clicking in at all. My brain feels like it's in a fog most days, some days are clearer than others but some are not. What is going on?!?

I've also been thinking about St. Louis, so maybe I'm just supposed to be there. Sharath originally told me he wanted me to be there teaching and maybe that is just where I'm supposed to go and teach. I do know it well, I do well there as far as my teaching goes. I have amazing friends there, but I also have amazing friends all around the globe that I could potentially find a place to teach in. My family is also there, most of them anyway. And they speak English.

I've always done fine with my English and slight knowledge of Kannada in Mysore, so another point for going there. Here it's okay but Hindi is the language mostly spoken, and English, but I also did okay in Germany speaking mostly English and a couple of their words.

OMG, just bear with me while I work through this in writing lol, and sorry but with the body/mind instinctual connection not kicking in so well seeing this stuff in writing is the only way I can do this!

So, Uttarkashi maybe, see how I feel about it. I know how I'll feel about it already, it's beautiful there, and peaceful and in the mountains and on the Ganga, so surrounded by nature which I now know I cannot be without. But then to Mysore? Yes, I really want to go to Mysore, so I should. Maybe at the ceremony for Guru Purnima I can see Sharath and talk to him about me working for him there, which we did briefly discuss when I met with him last December.

And then if none of the things work out, then St. Louis or another place to set up a program, or to take over a program and settle in a bit, make some money and find a rhythm.

That's it, I'm missing my rhythm. I'm unable to find it here, forget Varanasi, there was no way for me to find it there, but here I've found more peace and more connection, but still not my rhythm which is something I'm very used to having access to easily. Hmmmm, maybe typing this out has been a good thing, even though for you reading it may have been annoying!