Anxiety...

anxiety /aŋˈzʌɪəti/ noun 1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. "he felt a surge of anxiety" synonyms: worry, concern, apprehension, apprehensiveness, consternation, uneasiness, unease, fearfulness, fear, disquiet, disquietude, perturbation, fretfulness, agitation, angst, nervousness, nerves, edginess, tension, tenseness, stress, misgiving, trepidation, foreboding, suspense; More

This is the google version of the meaning of this word. This word that has become too much a part of my life lately.

I'm not sure why either. I've always been someone who could take a deep breath and then allow myself to relax into the moment and feel okay, even when I smoked which sped up my heartbeat. But recently when I was sick in Goa the thing that I've always been able to do left me, somehow.

Now even this morning as I was practicing, I'd slept later and was going through the sequence at a much later time than I am used to (but I have no schedule right now so any time is fine) I found myself being upset about it, and then anxious, oh no I have to hurry up and be finished so I can, so I can, so I can what? You will eat breakfast whenever you're finished, it doesn't have to happen at 8am. You will go about the things in your day, of which right now there are none, at your own pace and there is no time constraints on this.

So when and how did it grab a hold of me?!? Or should I not try to figure that out and move on to how to allow it to leave me again?

The first time I felt a release from it is when I was in Assam and then when I was back I still felt good but now a month later it might even be worse than normal. And I hate to think it all has happened around money. Money is the only problem I'm having right now but before I never worried about money too much and it always appeared when I needed it, now that doesn't seem to be the case.

I was recently reading some of my old blog posts, even just from last year, which then made me look at some of my old Facebook posts. So deep, well written, I was completely in the deep end of it all. Then I look at them now and it's like some adolescent has taken me over, who is this?!? Why on earth would this happen? I'm a deep person usually so I'm just not sure. I'm confused. I've lost a lot of self confidence, for which I usually have an overabundance of. Good lord...

I was told I need to surrender completely to the flow of life that I somehow got out of and then I'll feel lost and open but it will come back to me, this flow, when I allow it to. So that is my work right now. In my practices, in my mind, in my life.

Devotion...

What on earth is devotion, and why does it have a place in my life?

There's been a lot of talk of devotion, or bhakti, this week in conversations I've had with my friends here in Mysore. Most of whom are leaving today for their homes, but that's neither here nor there.

That's gotten me thinking a lot about devotion and what it means to me. Most seem to think it has something to do with god, and maybe it does but maybe it means more and or less to you, or to me.

I think it depends not he situation. For me, when I'm chanting I feel it the most, especially if it's a mantra invoking the divine. It's to me all about feeling with the body what is coming up. Feeling, not thinking about the things that come up, but looking at them and then back to feeling the sensations in the body. Often thinking of things that make me feel love and good, like my time at Kamakhya, or my time in temples, or times in my life where I've done deep study on the goddess and how it made me feel. Not only that, but so much more also.

If I'm chatting with you, about whatever we're talking about, then I'm often completely devoted to that conversation. That is devotion also, to me, to be fully present in the moment as we are creating it. Now, I'm not always like this, but often, more often, I am.

Also in the listening. Not just sitting there waiting for your turn to talk, but listening and hearing, feeling what that person is talking to you about, what they are saying to you, what they want you to hear. Not just what you're trying to get across.

I'm even like this with shows, if I'm watching something on Netflix I'm fully immersed in it. So, in some terms, devoted to it.

Food, I'm terribly devoted to eating and enjoying it fully. Even if I don't like it that much, I know what it's doing for me physically and am grateful for that, so I'm still devoted to it. Then I also know not to order it again next time hahaha!

In tantrik devi worship terms they might say this devotion comes easy to me because I recognize that the goddess is manifested in everything, and since I"m so devoted to the goddess I can find it easy to find that devotion towards all these things I've listed. Maybe this is so, most likely this is so and I'm okay with that because in this path I'm on seeing everything as a manifestation of Maa is the point.

There are many ways to find devotion in our lives but we have to figure out what we care about, what makes us feel things, cultivating feeling energy in ourselves, in others, around us, in the places we frequent and learning which energy serves us, which doesn't and again cultivating that awareness into a state of creation so we're being in and around the things and people that feed us and that we feed and less around those things that don't.

What makes you feel? Are you aware of what you feel and when? In your body, not just thinking in your mind?

What is going on...?

I'm not quite sure myself.

This week I'm having absolutely no interest in practicing. I am doing a little bit, and it feels good and my mind feels clear and open, my back aches because it likes to have my full practice since that's what it's used to but all in all, I'm good with not wanting to practice.

I'm sleeping well, waking up when the alarm goes off and then falling back asleep until much later than I'm used to sleeping, although probably a more "normal" time for the rest of the world. And then not wanting to do anything, other than my chanting and pooja and showering, etc. But each day I'm doing a little bit of asana, yesterday I didn't but Sunday and today I did. So I'll work on tomorrow getting up and going for it again, or I'll just embrace that this is where I am this week and see how tomorrow goes from that perspective.

I get into mental spaces of worrying about money since I have none coming in, then that gets old so I find a way to feel good again. I get into spaces of wanting to stay in and read and not be around almost anyone else, then I get out to eat and realise oh, I'm okay with people, sometimes. I've got no teaching gigs coming up at all which should worry me but I'm not letting it. I'm also always been drawn to being a sadhu and at this time in life, when I have less than ever, including work obligations, might be the best time to chuck all my stuff and just go become one. I also keep being drawn to going back to Kamakhya and being there for a good long time and learn the traditions surrounding the path there, alternating between living there and in the Himalayas near Uttarkashi.

So, why not go and do that? I think I'm still attached to being in the world. I do enjoy it, as much as I love being on my own, I love teaching and sharing this practice with people and making a living and having a mysterious life to others who wonder what else I do besides these asanas. And they do wonder, I get asked a lot and I share a bit but a lot of what I do in my sadhana is secret and not to be shared.

So, what to do? Why not go for it and leave this public life? Why not find some teaching and still have a private life of deep sadhana but while living in the world? Why do anything? Maybe I just sit back and see what the universe brings to me? Hmmmm... Maybe, let's see.

I do like not having a set schedule, but I also do enjoy the fulfilment of having some work to do. Is it possible to have both of these things? Is it possible to not overthink everything and just go with the flow? Yes, I know it is, often I can get in the space to do just that, but right now I'm thinking a lot. So, how to get back to just flowing and not thinking about why the flow isn't happening? Just do it, right? Ok, here I go, just do it...

Frustration...

This post is hopefully going to be short and not so sweet. I don't want to allow myself to stay in this vibration too long but I feel a need to get the frustration out. Maybe typing it alone will be enough and I won't have to post it, that would be delightful.

I'm feeling all the things that one feels when they are full of energy and yet has nowhere to direct said energy, then after a bit of time a big block forms which then manifests frustration. This is what I'm feeling.After finally figuring out how to heal all that physical stuff that was plaguing me, but was completely all from my mind in the form of stress, I now am ready to do something. But after 3 months of illness I'd not lined up any teaching gigs for myself and so here I am with nothing to do right now.

Thank god that at least I'm here in Mysore and can do my temple tours, they are doing very well, and the people are really enjoying them and often coming to multiple ones to learn more each time. That is fulfilling because I love sharing the stories and the energy in the temples and the people have been grateful because now they know what to do inside and how things work in general. So, some fulfilment is there.

And while teaching 6 days a week early morning can be tiring, it can be fulfilling too because you see progress in the people who come often more quickly and that is wonderful. Especially to see them have their own aha moment, that I love and reminds you why you teach... but then we come back to being frustrated because I'm not teaching right now nor can I find any teaching that is needed right now.

Then we come to another point, that I really want to settle down and teach somewhere for a good long time. In one place, grow a community, enjoy the location (wherever it may be), get to know the students, etc. That is really fulfilling.

Right now though I think I need to go to the U.S. and get financially stable, completely clear headed and healthy and then go from there. Maybe not the U.S. but its easier for me to work there and live anywhere I want. Although I prefer to stay in India getting a work visa and all that is not easy and the same for Europe, unless someone from Europe is willing to start the process for you, and I love Europe.

Anyhow, I'm excited and happy to get something going. Therein lies the stuff coming up. I'm frustrated, angry and irrational, which some would say I always am, but I usually don't feel this way inside. So when I'm noticing it from myself that means it's even worse lol.

Maybe not, I still feel mostly okay. And I do have a sense of faith that all of it will work out well and soon. My astrologer says not until April, or mid-April, then the big job that will buy the plane ticket will happen, so let's see.

Can you see? I'm conflicted, dichotomous and just plaine contradicting myself? This is what I"m dealing with right now.

So mostly I'm staying in the house, reading and not hanging out too much. Although yesterday I hung out and was feeling better, so maybe that's the key, goddess, who knows?!? hahahahaha...

I just need to chill and enjoy and have faith and it will all take care of itself. Ok, finished...

Kamakhya...

What the hell is Kamakhya you might ask? Many will know, but surprisingly even many of the Indians down here in the south don't know what it is. They are more strict Hindus, not the Tantrik types that embrace a more open stance on things down here. More uptight? Maybe but just different is what I'd say.

There is a story of Shiva and his first wife Sati, who's father did not approve of her marriage to Shiva since he wasn't a proper god, he hung out with everyone, ghouls goblins, non-Brahmins and such. My kind of guy, not judgmental lol. So he did not invite his own daughter and her spouse to a homa he was doing, she found out and found out why and so went there and basically immolated herself, burned herself alive, in retribution. So Shiva feels this, rushes there and takes her dead body over his shoulder and as he mourned pounced around the north for thousands of years. He was not doing his duty at this time of destroying things when it was needed and so Vishnu decided to help rid him of this burden and slowly began chopping pieces of her body off, a bit at a time, so that one would fall one place, one would fall another and eventually Shiva was alone again. What he did then is for another tale, but in each place where one of her body parts fell was erected a temple to a version of the goddess embodied by whatever part fell there. These temples are called Shakti peeths, or peetham. An area where great power of the goddess is housed.

So in the area then called Kamarupa is where her Yoni fell. If you don't know the word yoni please just google it. The yoni being the seat of creation and power for Shakti, both physically and energetically. And this area is called Kamakhya, in the state of Assam, in the beautiful, rolling Nilachal hills. Amazing place, you have to go.

I've been interested in the goddess for many years and when you read anything about her you will eventually run across the name Kamakhya somewhere. So I did, about 5 times before I looked it up, did a little research and found all the above out.

Ok, so why does a gay man want to go to a yoni? Not the right question. Being gay has nothing to do with anything, the goddess chose me to be her disciple, I did not choose, so I go where she calls me. I planned twice to go before but never went through with it finding excuses. This time one of the students here who went on all of my Devi temple tours was interested and she gets it, has the right energy to go, so we went together and damn, it was the right choice.

We arrived Thursday night last week and immediately met with a priest of the order that began here, Kula Marga Tantra. He and his wife are lovely people and are trying to preserve all information about the goddesses worshipped here, all Sanskrit texts around these things and more. They told us some things then sent us up to our hotel which is right next to the main temple itself. So we walk up and see the area, omg, so beautiful. Then the stairs start, even more beautiful. We pass a Kali Mandir, my ishta devata! So stopped, then a Tara Peeth, then passed the main temple, stopped were awestruck by the energy and the feelings coming up from this place.

We eventually pulled ourselves away, decided to unload our stuff at the hotel then go right back to the temple and check it out. We were there an hour. Not inside, that was closed, but the outside and all the people worshipping, sitting and chanting, doing parikrama around the building, etc. It was just amazing. But the most important thing was the energy, I can still feel it in me and I've been back two days now.

We eventually went back, showered and went to sleep. We'd been travelling all day long, but the energy didn't allow too much sleep for me anyway.

Next day we had breakfast, got ready, walked around, then decided, oh we have to go inside. The line starts at 5:30am but the doors open at 7am, so you can imagine the size of the line that was already there. Luckily there is a pay line that is shorter, and when I say shorter it still took us 2 hours to go through. The other line is kilometres long and takes hours upon hours after they close it to get everyone through.

So we waited for about 5 minutes before they opened our gate and we started the journey. So once you finally get inside the gate there is a a winding line through a room, which happens a few more times. Each time you move closer to the yoni you feel like you are moving deeper into the womb to be birthed. It's very dark and very packed with people, but full of so much energy that you don't know if you can handle it. So you take a deep breath and relax your muscles, allowing it to move through you. Once you finally get to the stairs to move down right to the yoni, and the spring that is perpetually pouring over it you can feel all emotions, all sensations, in the body, it's quite overwhelming and without my yoga practice don't know if I would have been able to handle it. But I did and allowing it to wash through me created some transformation, and that is what I cannot explain here, or in words just yet.

After you come out there is three times to walk around the temple and then we were in such a daze that I don't even know what we did. I do remember that much of the rest of the day we spent visiting the other ten temples in and around the compound. They are for the Ten Mahavidyas, all fierce versions of the goddess for which there are many different stories out there of how they came into being. But they are all very powerful places in their own right. We went to the last two the next morning because they are a bit further away and so we took a cab.

Most of the rest of that day is a blur, and the next day also. We shopped a little bit, but mostly ate, and visited temples. Eating lunch at the Chinnamasta is a treat, amazing food, do this if you can if you ever visit.

Anyhow, I can't say a whole lot more. To see pics or videos check out my Instagram or Facebook, there are tons, but they don't do the place justice. It is just so gorgeous there. I will go back, and am now thinking about checking with the hotel if they have a conference room where I could take some Ashtanga practitioners, have a space for morning practice, guide them around a little but but mostly allow them to just experience the place and the temple while facilitating the practice for them.

I cannot imagine not going back to this place, it is in my soul now. It will be there forever, but to visit and see what experience She brings to me each time I go will be interesting, and now will be a part of my future, and is a part of me in the present.

Appreciation...

Well, I finally gave in and went to a doctor, he prescribed me half Ayurvedic stuff and a couple allopathic things. Both are working great and the pain is going away and the bumps as well. This is great.

It's odd the things you think of when you feel so bad for so long. This started in the third week of November in Goa while I was practicing there. The thoughts of death were abundant, not that I wanted to kill myself but to be so miserable and not know why or seem to have control over it makes one think of being dead instead often.

Now, if you know me or have read my writings for a long time then you realise that I believe we all create our reality. So why am I not addressing that? I am now. I was creating this as my reality, the whole time. I know it. It started when I had some low finances in the summer and I started thinking that I'd been making less money, and the stress started from there.

In fact the doctor said he thought all the skin problems were from the sun but triggered by the amount of stress I had put on myself. I was leaving Germany and worrying about making money, and almost no other thoughts were in my mind. I'm broke, I'm broke, I'm broke... and so it went.

Before I always trusted and had faith that the universe, that god or goddess, or whatever you'd like to call it, would provide. I just knew I'd be alright, and so I was. So when I changed that conversation to exclude finances it shifted, and in a direction that I didn't want and that was not welcome, but I was in the state of being that I couldn't create it in a different way. My mind was already on the downward spiral. A very dark one at that.

Anyhow, so let me shift it to the point of writing this. Now that I'm feeling better, albeit that I'm taking something to help that along. I have gained enough space to shift my perspective and feel more confident that things will work out, that they are working out.

The other morning I was driving the scooter toward the city and was getting irritated with the traffic. If you know anything about Karnataka you know they like to drive on the wrong side of the road and move around you in ways that are far closer to you than are allowed in other countries, even in other areas of India. So you have to chill out about it, or get frustrated. I realised I was feeling this way and was able to stop myself and say no. Now this alone was a clue that I was feeling better, before I was happy to feel like crap, even though I didn't want to, I had gotten used to it over the past months. So I decided to notice that beautiful trees, and the flowers in bloom here when at this time of the year everywhere else is winter, no flowers. Then I felt oh, I'm in India driving around. I wanted to live in India, now I do. I love how warm and welcoming the people in Karnataka are, so maybe its okay they drive like shit because its a trade off.

Okay, I was starting to feel better. It was working, so I did some more and it kept getting better. It was nice, it is nice. It's good to feel better. It's all mind work.

Yoga also is all mind work you know? Yes it is, even the sutras say so in the oft quoted second sutra. We have to use the asana and the pranayama to become more aware of how we are feeling so that eventually we train ourselves to notice and be abel to catch when we're going there, to the place we don't want to be, and can shift our perspective in a new direction.

Now sometimes we just need to sink into the depths, it's the only way we can figure it out. Maybe this was it for me this time, I was in the depths of despair. Technically I'm not out of the water yet either. I am still broke, I have absolutely no jobs lined up and the one I was relying on in Mumbai for the next two months just fell through. This alone could make me go back down that dark path, and yet I feel deep appreciation for where I am.

I am still in love with India and being here, I would prefer to make it work it and not leave for Europe or the U.S. to make a living, but I've also embraced that maybe it's just the path of least resistance to go to one and make money for a while. There's nothing wrong with money, it's an energy flow that is prevalent on this planet right now, so therefor required.

I think I've thought about being a monk for so long where no possessions, no sex, no money, none of these things are required and so I'd convinced myself money is bad. It's not, I know this, I've had it and I've not had it. I can make it in very small amounts right now with my temple tours, but it's not enough to be able to do anything with other than eat off of, put gas in the scooter, but it's still enough for now. If I have to leave India, which I will soon, or if I wanted to move around the country a bit while I'm here, I just cannot do these things. So I could feel stuck. But I'm not, I'm just feeling that the flow is starting to happen again.

Getting back into my flow is what needs to happen. It's what is happening and if I can stay out of my own way it will come to full fruition and I'll get a job, make some money and be able to stay in the flow. Why on earth did I let money take me out of my flow anyway?!? I don't think it could have only been that, there was resistance in some other way, I'm just not so interested in figuring out what it is, or was. Seems like it could drag me back down again if I do, so I won't.

I'm feeling better and I'm going to keep cultivating things that keep this trend going. Not being around so many people, only those that I'm close with and love dearly. Even noticing things on social media that pull me out of my flow I'm going to try to avoid, or see them and then move on. Not follow their lead.

It's all a choice, we have them even if we don't think we do. Which road to choose and then be aware that maybe you need to shift again, one choice is not the only choice, you can choose to change it again if you realise it's still not the right one. Keep that in mind, and I will too...

Truth..

The first truth is that it has been a very long time since I wrote, this I just realised. I was wondering why I was being so thinky lately and it's because I'm not getting the stuff out of my head. Not that that is always needed but often it helps me in the processing of emotions and such, so I woke up this morning with a strong urge to write, and here I go...

Second truth is that it has been a while since I feel good enough to write anything. I was in a very negative space and so writing would have been a lot of the same, just ask anyone who was around me at the time. Most of what I was talking about was how bad I felt and how awful life was, or is. Now I'm feeling better finally and able to turn things around to a view that aligns more with where I have been in my life before this time.

More truths are coming, just not going to count them all down lol.

I think it started in the U.S. last year, in May. When I was at the place I called home for about 5 weeks. I enjoyed my family and seeing my students and friends, but the biggest thing was all my old patterns were there as well. And it seemed they were waiting for me to pick them right back up, one of them being my negative ways of thinking. It was just a seed, but it was enough to start building something from and over the next months when I went to Germany it propagated itself, then in Mysore it kept going, then when I arrived in Goa it just took full blossom.

In Goa to study with my favourite teacher outside of Sharath I could not get my mind out of the worst feeling place I may ever have been in in my life. So it slowly manifested in my body, a wrist, then both elbows, then some arthritis like symptoms in my hands and forearms, then my back, then this liver detox happened, now most is gone or going away but my shin bones are in full pain almost constantly, then randomly not anymore.

I basically felt like I was dying most of the time in Morjim, and was trying to keep my head above water. Then I left to Purple Valley to assist Harmony and slowly got better there. The food is high quality and I was assisting so wasn't able to sit in my head for long periods of time and make things worse, thank god. Finally during those two weeks I could see a bit of light from behind the clouds.

When I went back to Morjim I immediately began to feel worse again, so maybe it's the energy of the place there, not sure. It could also have been that I just remembered how bad I felt while I was there. So after some trouble trying to leave, a story for another time, I finally was able to procure a bus ticket to Mysore.

Now I'm in Mysore, my practice has slowly built back up with no pain during it. I am flat broke but able to make a few rupees here and there leading people to some temples and a good friend is letting me stay in a room in a building of his for free. So I'm doing better and each day seems to get better even.

I even lined up a teaching gig in Mumbai for two months at this new place that was being kicked off by Kino and Tim with a weekend of workshops. That was a space being rented in a Sindhi temple and some of the trustees of the temple are now opposing the program to happen there, so it's not going to happen at the scheduled start time, possibly later but not now.

Now, I am ready to teach, I love it, it's part of my path, but I also am ready to have an income. My income the last 6 months in Germany sucked more than any I've had in my life. So it's not just about me feeling better now and following my path, it's about me being able to eat and pay rent.

I know it seems like I'm just bitching and moaning still, but really this is all about that even though all these things have been happening I still feel okay. I still feel it will all work out and that as one obstacle has snuck it, a solution came not far behind, so too this problem with the income I know will be okay.

It's just a matter of faith. Faith which is something I've based my whole life on, but got so far away from these past three months that I'm finding it hard to make my way back to it, but damn it I am. I'm not sugar coating anything, I'm embracing what comes, but I really feel okay and at peace.

Is this the next level of yoga? I've always strived toward equanimity, is this what it feels like? To feel almost well and at peace in even the most exaggerated circumstances? If so I'll take it, it's not a bad place to be...