Saturday...

As I've mentioned a few times in my blog since being back in Mysore, this trip I seem to be very emotional. I thought it was waning but alas, here I sit at home again today and it's crept its way back in. I'm not saying its a bad thing, its just there. I tend to be someone who feels his emotions but is not usually affected by them. And I've said many times, I think here in India everything is closer to the surface, whereas in America we tend to bury everything or build layers over our emotions so they aren't coming to the surface all the time, here it just isn't so. They are there and felt much more quickly and easily.

So this morning I got up to go to led class at 4:30am, as I was walking to the shala could see there was an exponentially larger number of people waiting at the gate and I had come a bit earlier than normal. It immediately put me off but still I went and sat at the gate and waited, but as the number increased again and again, I decided I might need to go home and practice. Not that I'm scared of a busy room, I've practiced in that packed room for three seasons in a row now but I was feeling, dare I say, delicate? So as everyone stood up to await the unlocking of the gate I made the decision to walk home and practice there. And I did, and it was a great practice, I also did the pranayama sequence and chanted the yoga sutras. Very nice.

Then had a great Indian breakfast with some good friends at Sri Durga. Then conference. Conference last week was lovely, brought up a lot of intention for me to focus on in my practice this week and inspired me as well.

Today it was fine too, and Sharath I think is actually enjoying them lately as well. He's laughing, cracking jokes and having fun with us. But today when asked a question about pratyahara, which is one of the 8 limbs lain out in the Ashtanga Yoga system he said some things that made me think a lot. He talked a lot about asana as his opening talk before taking questions, and then this question about how pratyahara fits into our practices comes up and he told that the first four limbs are the external practices and they only ones we can "do," whereas the last happen on their own, but from cultivating the first four. Pratyahara being one of them. Pratyahara is generally translated to mean withdrawal of the senses but he talked about it being seeing god, or rather divine (he's been rather averse to using the term god these past two seasons because, as he said last year, it has too many different meanings to too many people. So he's been using supreme or the supreme this season so far) in everything. Guruji, his grandfather, used to say "everywhere looking, God seeing. Looking wall, seeing God..."

When I first began my journey in yoga I read many times in many different scriptures and interpretations of philosophy that you should see everyone as divine. In India I know they look forward to serving others because they consider them divine, or as Ram Dass says "God in drag." RuPaul also always says "we're all born naked and the rest is drag" which to me means that how we choose to be seen in the world is our drag, it's basically all a big show and we are playing a part in it.

But this time it stuck with me. Do I do this? Do I? How do I treat people? How would I treat the divine if it or he or she or whatever was standing there before me? Am I a nice person?

I like the stories of the sages or saints or apostles from the Hindu scriptures, or from the bible, that I've read of the men that argue with God. They take God for someone they can talk to like a best friend, someone that they would argue with about a subject until they understood their point of view, or until theirs was understood, or until they came to the point of agreeing that it's okay to agree to disagree. This is the view I've always had of myself i realized suddenly.

So yes, in my way I do my best to see God or the divine in everyone. I may not always be successful, nor may I always make the other feel as if I'm treating them like they are God in drag, but if you know me you'll know that if I care enough about you to debate with you, or to argue with you, or to even hang out with you then I do love you.

Sometimes I do feel bad that maybe I could have treated someone a bit more nicely but then I realize that I was being honest about who I was at that moment. Now, that doesn't mean I can't or won't be taking the time to cultivate a stronger awareness of when I'm not being as nice as I want to be, it just means that that may be all I have to give at that moment. So lately here I've been staying to myself more when I'm feeling this way so that I don't put that off on someone else.

All in all, I'm doing my best to be the best person I can be, that's all I can do. So sorry if I've stepped on your toes lately, but that probably means I care about you a great deal and am working on not stepping on your toes so much. And sorry if I've reneged on plans but that is probably because I wouldn't be the best company at that time. Not that these excuses are good to have, just that that's where I am at that time.

Stick with me and in the end hopefully you'll enjoy the results for it will all be okay in the end, and if its not, then its not yet the end (a favorite quote from a favorite movie of mine)...

Mysore daily...

Daily life here in Mysore can be quite hectic, but also can be quite boring, and yet again can be quite calm and relaxing. It can be just about anything you think it can be or want it to be.

Personally I'm one who likes free time in life normally, but here when I first started coming I signed up for this Sanskrit class, these chanting lessons, this trip into the city, that trip to a local landmark, etc. Then I realized, nope, this is not for me. I like to have something to do but not too much and, of course, the trip centers around your practice ideally.

We travel all the way here to study yoga at the source with our teacher and so that is the priority to me. For that I have to wake up well before dawn and shower, chant and brush my teeth before heading to sit at the shala gate for just a bit before they let us in the room to begin practice. So that means going to bed very early, not my favorite thing, but this is my first priority right? So I do it.

When finished with that, coconuts. We must have them. They are fresh, something not available where I live, and they are good and replenish lots of vitamins and minerals we lose in sweating so much in the shala. The practice, although the same one we do at home daily, is much more intense. Probably because of the amount of energy in the room all the people create and when you're used to practicing at home alone that can be overwhelming. But we do adjust to it.

After that a hot shower and breakfast. Which brings me to my second priority here, eating. Not meaning overindulging, just meaning knowing when and how much to eat to service priority number one. I eat a lot in the mornings, then a little less at lunch and then almost nothing around 4pm, 5pm at the latest. Then I feel great and mostly empty but still energized enough for practice in the morning, which begins at 4am by the way.

Then at the shala we have chanting class in the late morning usually, right now its at noon because there are so many people here, its short, just a half an hour, but I also take chanting lessons from a local lady and am joined by a few friends. I can now chant the first and second padas of the yoga sutras without any reference paper, but am learning the third currently with her.

Then of course, lunch. Lunch is usually 12-2, in there somewhere, then the afternoon can be me doing a Thai massage on someone, or like today a friend and I watched a movie on amazon prime, some days its a nap, often the nap comes in mid morning for me after breakfast (if I take one at all, not a biggie for me), some days its writing. Who knows, can be anything, then if still a bit of space I'll have a small something to eat.

All this time though we're feeling the effects of our practice, which is more intense as earlier referenced. Which can be emotional release, physical aches and pains in the body, mental stress and more. But it can also be peace, calm and quiet in the mind, which is quite nice in itself and this trip hasn't happened much for me until this week, so I'm enjoying it.

It can also be catching up on things at home with messages, email or other sources.

There's no one way to do Mysore, there are many ways and this one hasn't found one thing like the other trips, it seems to be different daily and I think I'm liking that. Keeps me on my toes.

Oh, and the biggest thing that often happens, socializing. Having great conversations with interesting people from all sorts of countries and cultures we may or may not know much about. This is my favorite when done in small doses and has helped me grow friends with more people than I can even count.

I love it here...

Finally settling in...

So today is Saturday November the 28th and its been an amazing day.

I've been having trouble sleeping and that's not something I am going to get into right now, and last night even though it was quiet, was no exception. I did however fall back asleep and get about 5 hours all told before I had to get up very early to get to the shala for led class. I hadn't a lot of energy but I decided I was just going to surrender and not put any physical effort into practice other than with my breath. So, that's what I did. I did not hold chattering at all, I didn't lift up and jump back or jump through. I did the laziest versions of all these things that I could do. And surprisingly enough the practice ended up energizing me and making me feel great.

After that I had chai with some friends after our after practice coconuts, then home to oil my hair and body and then have a hot shower before heading for an Indian breakfast with a great group of friends at Sri Durga. I got to introduce a new friend to a couple of the local specialties. And it was a great breakfast.

Then we headed back to the shala for conference with our teacher Sharath.

Last season many of the conferences completely inspired me and filled me full of good stuff to take back home, but since I've been here this time they've been just so so. This one was far beyond that though and started getting my heart juices flowing again and reinvigorated me with the reason why I am here at all. The fact that this practice is a whole lifestyle and is so much more than just the asanas. Now he always says many of these things, but today he dug into it more deeply and his son was there with him which is also a tug on the heart strings, seeing them interact with one another. Sambav is a mini version of Sharath and you can almost imagine what a precocious child he was himself, but also just adorable and funny, which Sharath still is actually.

I'm not going to get into the particulars of what he talked about because that wasn't the point. The point for me is how it affected me and how it will come back out of me in the future, in my teaching and in my life, so that will come in time.

Fumika and I talked later about how much respect we have for him and the disciplined lifestyle he leads and from the teachings he learned from his grandfather how he just keeps wanting to share it with us.

He did address one thing I was most impressed with and I will talk a bit about. Someone asked about some friends of his back home, I believe he was Russian and where he lives there is no authorized teacher and how the new rule of having to study with one or a certified teacher for a few months before being able to apply to study with Sharath is now necessary, so they are wanting to come but won't get to. What should he tell them? And Sharath was right on the ball with his answer and said tell them to wait until you're authorized and then you can teach them and then they can come here. The he went on to expound upon why he set the rule and how with so many coming he can't give them the energy he would need to give them to be able to accept them as a student, so by having them learn all the basics with one of his teachers, who he has approved, then he can know and trust they will know the basics at least when they come and he can help to advance their practice.

In saying this he's not only showing his belief and his support in the teachers he's taken time to cultivate and has authorized them but he's also taking care of himself but not taking on too much, even though he really still does I think. I really appreciated that and it made me appreciate him even more than I did before.

After conference we sped off to see the new installment of the Hunger Games movie franchise, also the final film in the series. It really stuck to the book and I loved it. After that we ate at Dhatu, which I haven't been to much this trip for some reason, and it was really good too.

So I guess I'm just having a damn good day! I'm feeling settled into the groove again of this place and the yoga is taking great affect on my body and mind. At first a lot of emotion was coming out but now its feeling more like I'm integrating those lessons and am able to bring myself around to a more neutral mental place before just reacting and that feels nice.

Now the progress begins. I talked with someone the other day about how one month here really isn't long enough since the first month seems like you're being cut open, the second month feels like the surgery is happening and then the third month is really like being sewn back up. Now at the end of my first month, November, I'm feeling ready for the shifts and realizations that can happen during the surgery!

How are you feeling?

Almost a month here already?!?

It doesn't seem possible that I'm already starting my fourth week of practice here. It barely seems like I've practiced at all here. Craziness I tell you. The first batch is getting ready to go home, some of them anyway, and a new batch will arrive soon. And of course there are those of us who are staying.

Last post I wrote about a lot of emotions coming up and out and that is still going on, but what I find is affecting me the most is the getting up so early. At home I go to bed around 7:30-8pm to wake up at 2:30am to begin practice by 3am so that I can do my asanas, pranayama and chanting before showering, eating breakfast and then heading out to teach. So I come her and get the 4:30am time slot, which is fine by me, and then start getting up again at 2:30 to be ready to practice by 4 (they let us in really early and we actually start at 4am, not 4:30am). The difference is that here I don't have to be anywhere, so don't have to rush through my practice by a certain time.

But last week it was getting to me, the waking up so early. I really felt like not going every day, but I still got up and made it every day. Now today I overslept and missed practice, so am feeling mentally icky and a bit judgmental about it, but I know it will also be okay.

This trip seems to be more emotional in general, not just for me, but for everyone I talk to. This is all a part of the yogic path though, bringing things to the surface to figure them out and not allow that pattern to keep having prominence in your life. Only to move on to another thing to come up and deal with and another and another, it seems. Funny the things we do to ourselves on purpose. But its all in the order of things here in Mysore, we come here for the deeper work. Sure, also to learn new asanas, but mostly to deal with the releases those new asanas give us and live with the diversity so that we can become better people and hopefully learn to live as the example to others as well.

I came here with a large beard, and a growing one too, it seems like its gotten an inch longer since I've been here. But also this need for letting of things has led me to want to cut it off, so I think I'll be to a barber later today to have them cut it short. Often times this is symbolic for me of the letting go I'm trying to enact in my daily life, and that I am feeling as well. Not sure what I'm letting go of but I feel the need to not hold on to anything right now, especially as some of my friends are leaving and new ones will be returning.

I also find myself wanting to hole up and watch movies or tv shows, and so I'm doing a bit of that. I'm enjoying the escape of these shows right now and am not going to judge myself about them, I'm just going to enjoy watching them. I'm trying to follow what feels good and allow that to dictate what I'm doing and so they feel good for now!

We'll see how the rest of this week goes, as I show up for class tomorrow and the rest of the week minus Wednesday which is the full moon here, but maybe I'll practice anyway since I missed today? Maybe not. Again, I'll see how it feels when I wake up that day and go from there.

I'm always wanting to put pics on here as well, but have yet to figure out how to make that happen, if anyone knows feel free to message me about it, thank you!

beginning the third week here..

So this is the third week I'm here, but the second full week of practicing in the shala has just completed. This time the practice is like I'm going backwards instead of progressing forward. Back bending has been phenomenal but twisting and binding has almost felt as it its impossible.

I just talked with a lady who is here for her first time and she was saying, its like I'm taking one step forward and then two steps back. And I'll be damned it that didn't manifest in my body that same week lol. We'll see how this week goes, its a full 6 day week, so no interruptions and that usually helps sort me out, today being the first led class of the week, the next four days will be Mysore style practice ending with another led primary series class.

Another thing has been the emotions coming up. Last Wednesday was the new moon and it was intense the day after and Friday with emotional release after I'd practice, so I took my own version of a ladies holiday on Saturday and Sunday is our normal day off. Shhhhh, don't tell Sharath, he hasn't asked me about it yet.

My friend and student who is here with me has also had a trying time with getting sick a few times already and having family stuff going on back home, so I think this trip is going to be a doozy. A lot of stuff coming up to see how we deal with it, but then I guess each time has its stuff. Last trip was my back and diarrhea, the first one was my weight and anger. I'll let this one unfold and not try to label what it's throwing at me, just try to receive it and be present with whatever comes up.

I thought I had a lot more to write but apparently I don't. I'm sure there will be much more to come, but we'll see.

First week complete...

It's been quite a while since I wrote anything on here, so here it goes.

It's going on my second week back in Mysore but my first full week of practice, tomorrow is our day off. To celebrate we had pizza and chocolate malts which was all so good!

My first week back feels great. I typically don't like led classes and he started out the week with two of them, the first of which was actually fine and the next day was even better. Then we had three days of Mysore in a row, which is self practice of the Ashtanga method and we all had to do primary series since its the first week, then another led class today.

I must say each day my practice got better, felt more amazing and my back bending opened up more and more each of the three Mysore days. Then today's led class was a bust. I got through it, did every posture, but it was like pulling teeth and before that waking up was miserable. I've gotten up pretty easily all week but not this morning!

After practice, since this season I'm starting at 4:30am, really 4am because they are letting us in so early so far, I have plenty of time to get home, chill out, take a hot shower and rub down with oil before heading out of the house for breakfast. Today me and three others went for Indian breakfast at Sri Durga and damn was it so good! I love the Westernized places for breakfast, they are a good place to read and chill, or visit with friends too, but Indian food is so good first thing in the morning I must say.

And today after the led class was conference with Sharath. Last season as the weeks went by he got more and more in the swing and said more and more inspiring things that left me speechless sometimes, crying sometimes, very deeply reflective other times. Today was sort of a generic start off that talked about the deeper dimension of Ashtanga yoga, the 8 limbs. Stuff most of know or have heard of but a good intro for new people. That hall was more packed than I've ever seen it though, I think since he laid out the new rule about having to have studied with an authorized teacher before coming here to see him that many, many new people are going to Saraswathi, so she must be packed, because it was packed in there with many I see around town but not in class with me, but then again I don't see as many people as i used to because I'm so early this year.

When I got here I was among a very few Westerners here already and it was nice to be here so early and watch as so many arrived, fun too because I know so many of them and was and am so happy to see them again. We definitely have a unique thing going on here where we come from so many corners of the globe to meet at this one little town in the middle of south India. I'm very glad to be a part of this too!

But it was also nice to be going around to all the familiar places and enjoying the food I love again and see the local people here whom I have grown so fond of as well. I really am living a blessed life, how many get to visit India yearly and meet up with old friends each time? Well, I know quite a few people, but none from my neck of the woods.

I am so happy that tomorrow is our day of rest, it is much needed, even though I am so happy to be back practicing in the shala with my teacher. And excited to start the second week and see what it brings. Also one of my students is here with me this time, so getting to share this experience with her has been so awesome too. But she is studying with Saraswathi so is also getting to have her own experience as well.

I'll end for now, but as I move through this time here I hope to write more. Lately I've been feeling more internal and writing in my journal rather than on here, but hopefully I'll find expression on this page as well. I look forward to sharing it with you!

See you soon...

Self expression

So, I'm driving in my car just a few moments ago listening to Grace Jones' last album, Hurricane, it came out in Europe in 2009 and here in 2011. I bought it from amazon on a whim and damn, I've been listening to it for over a year now. But after seeing her again recently on a couple of youtube videos that show her performing as a now 67 year old woman, who is still vibrant, in shape and as expressive as ever (those who grew up in the 70's and 80's will remember her visual form of expression well, as well as her interesting vocals, or songs if you prefer), it made me pull her album back out and give it another listen.

I must preface this by saying that a friend of mine and I went to see Abraham last weekend, or rather see Esther Hicks channel Abraham and the energy in the room was awesome and something that I was holding inside broke loose and now I feel more free than I ever have. Vibrant and happy and seeking expression in many, many different ways. But I digress...

So, the first line of the first song on the album, the song is called This Is Life..., is "this is my voice, my weapon of choice." Brilliant. She does use visuals for sure, but if you listen to this album, hell, if you listen to the lyrics on all of her albums they are groundbreaking. She expresses her opinions very clearly and very well and very artisticly. This I believe is something that all of us need to do, figure out what our medium is and use it to bring out the stuff we have inside. Which brings to mind my favorite quote from the Gnostic Gospel of Thomas, attributed to being said by Jesus,

If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

I love that. It tells it straight forward. Now, it also can scare the fuck out of you right? So basically its saying if you don't express yourself that stuff you're holding back will kill you from the inside out! Scary as hell. But it can also be a big kick to dig in deep, figure out what's in there and let it start to boil to the surface and find a form of expression that satisfies it, which is the way I'm choosing to look at it.

So, I'm driving, listening to Grace, with all this energy flowing through me and wondering, hmmm, she uses her voice to express herself, and very much as equally uses costumes to accentuate her appearance and other forms of physical and visual expression, including hula hooping while wearing fully vinyl outfit and 6 inch heels and singing "Slave to the Rhythm" and all the while being 67. So what in the fuck in my form of self expression? What rings my bells?

I have to say first of all, interacting with others. I love to talk to people, see what makes them tick and blend it with my views on life and see what concoction comes out of it. First and foremost that is my choice of expression. What else?

Well, I love to teach. Teaching, especially lately with this great core group of students I have and this new group of other teachers coming in to try out Ashtanga, I've been more inspired than ever to teach it more and more. But even more so to practice and give it more of my energy. Practicing also moves more and more energy through my body which in turn also feeds my need for expression but also feeds the creativity of what wants to come out of me, and it seems to want it more often. This week especially, I assume after being in the presence of Abraham last Saturday, I'm so, so inspired and full of energy that I almost can't stand myself, but then I channel it and find more energy on top of that, crazy.

But also, I love to write. When I was a child I used to draw. I would draw new characters, characters based on comic book heroes I loved, but also my own creations and I would give them interesting suits or outfits and hairdos, then I would color it in. It was very fulfilling to me, but I also made up storylines and where they were going, how they dealt with situations and what happened to them was almost, if not more, interesting to me to come up with. But I also read books voraciously. I couldn't stop. I still to this day love to read, fiction and non-fiction, as long as its well written. I love it. So one day I took up writing this blog and found it interesting how I felt afterwards. Like I'd let go of some crap that wasn't serving me anymore. Then I got a lot of responses after writing maybe ten or so blog entries and it dawned on me, oh, people are actually reading this. I also discovered that it was so cathartic to have it be read by folks I didn't even know and that they were identifying with it. Then I got the bug, so I would write a lot.

Lately I've not been writing as much. I've been really trying to figure out how my last trip to Mysore affected me and what wants to come of the ideas I've got coming up. So the starting of the Mysore program here is only the beginning of that expression, there is more to come after this upcoming trip.

This week I found myself writing long statuses on Facebook, both on my yoga page and my personal page, which made me realize that I've been missing the writing as a form of expression. So while driving tonight this blog entry started to formulate in my mind and I was taking a walk at the park so had to get in the car and rush home to write this. There might even be more wanting to come out, I'll see if another entry comes up tomorrow. But I do think that I'm going to have to make writing more of a priority, it does really fulfill me and help me keep stuff from getting all backed up inside. Once it backs up enough it starts to manifest physically as a tight spot, or muscle issue, or spinal problem or a headache, so I need to keep it flowing.

This is my public commitment to keep flowing the energy, allowing it expression through my teaching, through my voice (and yes, I'd love to sing too if you wanna give me a try) and through my writing. Maybe I'll even write a book. I could start it while I'm in Mysore again. I always doubt anyone would read it but I have a lot of stories people love to hear like my upbringing and discovering spirituality, rather than Christianity, through Shirley MacLaine's books. Then after moving out of the house partying all the time, becoming a Wiccan, performing in drag for almost a year, partying some more, finding myself to have a sexual addiction which manifested in many different ways for well over fifteen years, finding yoga while working in the corporate world, becoming a Sikh in the middle of America where most are provincial and fundamentalist Christians, walking around publicly wearing a turban after 911 and everyone thinking I was going to blow them up, going to India and meeting people from all over the globe.... These are just to name a few, so maybe I have some content to fill up a book with.

Do you have a form of self expression? Are you feeling blocked and/or backed up and like there are things needing to come out or else they will destroy you from the inside out? Remember, it's your choice to feel this way. You can choose to start to seek ways to allow this stuff to flow out from you. Go look at art, listen to a singer at a pub or coffeehouse, read a book you might never have thought about before, or just sit down and write something, anything, to get the juices flowing.

We all have things that light us up, that turn our cranks, that really get us feeling alive. Do you figure out what they are and allow them to the surface, or keep them locked away to eventually kill you of some disease? I saw let them free, get it moving now, don't waste another minute.

The energy on this planet, in this universe, is flowing at a faster rate than ever. Are you up to speed with it or not???