Pissing people off

So, I've recently had interactions with someone who mostly communicated with me via text, unless we ran into each other somewhere (which only happened twice). Those were the only two times we've been in each others company in fact. But I've in the past had troubles with communicating via text. It doesn't denote humour and is impossible to read where the person is coming from but I guess that's only possible when you're in person with one another.

Anyhow, some comments I make in my typical irreverent slant were not taken so well and that person said I obviously have no respect for the path I've taken if I can say the things I said about it, but I disagree, yes I can. So I've been written off pretty much, which is fine (not fine, it makes me sad but it is how it is so I have to make peace with that) because I know where I stand with my source and don't need interactions with other humans to prove to myself where I stand.

I think that if you're intimate with a subject is really the only time making fun of it is valid, you know it so well and may have a lot of issues coming out that sometimes just letting go and saying something flippant can be a release. Sometimes it can also be a holding on if you cling to that description, but if you're honestly letting it go then it can feel like a release. Also, sometimes I do not like yoga, sometimes I do not like having all this spirituality around me all the time. Sometimes I absolutely wish I was just that ignorant guy getting drunk in the mid 90's because it's just so much easier to be ignorant than it is to know. But there is also the stand that sarcasm and irreverence have a bit of truth in them, which I agree with as well, but I don't anything wrong with feeling negatively about something sometimes. It doesn't mean you hate it or don't have respect for it, it just means that you're human and sometimes things that are good are also not so good feeling. Good and bad are both just opinions anyway. One persons trash is another persons treasure type of thing.

To know what? To know the truth. Not saying that I know the one and only truth out there, but to say that I am beginning to figure out my truth and as Adyashanti says enlightenment is a crumbling away of the illusion of what you think life is, the complete eradication of everything that is untruth. It's not at all what we think it is. So it's often a very uncomfortable place to be, it's often like being an open wound, so sensitive that you think you'll burst if any more emotion or feeling comes your way, it's often being in the one place you absolutely do not want to be and being aware in that place and still able to function without allowing the situation to paralyze you. It's much more than this but I could go on all night.

It's most like being in a closet with the door shut. You have no idea there is anything but darkness, so never strive for anything more. Then one day someone opens the door, just a crack, and light starts streaming in and then you can see around the closet a little bit and know there are things in there, you can also see out the crack and realize there is a whole other big world out beyond the confines of the closet you've so comfortably made as your home. So the fear sets in as you wonder what is out there, but whether you open the door further and go out or not, you always now know that there is more and you can never not know that. So you're doomed, you can't go back. Another equation would be to tell the jury to dismiss evidence that they've just heard. Again, you've already heard it, processed it a bit and so how can you unhear it? You can't! So being ignorant may have been nice at one point but now it's tainted, you know there is more and cannot unknow that.

I use humour a lot and it doesn't always sit well with people but I'm okay with that, those in the know know that it's better to be loose and relaxed about things and let them flow then to hold to tightly on to your idea of things that you cannot hear even the remotest bit of discourse against them without getting offended. I gave up on being offended a long time ago, even so it still creeps in a bit every so often, then I catch it and let go of it.

As RuPaul says "what anyone else thinks of me is none of my goddamn business!" And so it is, you may not like me, you may like me. I may not like you or I may like you. Either way you have the right to think whatever the hell you want about anything and if I like you I'm not going to write you off and will even defend your right to feel the way you do, even if it goes against everything I believe in. And those kind of people are who I want in my life as well. We all judge and let's not act like we don't, I'm terrible but I'll catch it and think ok, they don't have to agree with me and I hope you will also feel the same towards me. I can think what I want, it doesn't have to match what you think to be valid or accepted by you, and you can think what you want and we can still be friends...

Back to my roots...

So last week was my first week of teaching Mysore style Ashtanga in the early morning and getting up very, very early to practice before teaching. It went pretty well. I love my core group of students and most of them came daily, some it was there first time working with a teacher daily (most of them have strong home practices) and it's proving to be transformational for all of us. Myself included, as I figured getting up so very early would.

There have also been two days this week and it's still going strong, but not only that, I started a 5 week Intro to Ashanga series on Wednesday evenings that has 13 folks in it, which is also pretty good. They are strong and seem to be into it to, which is all I can hope for. So great teaching people who are interested in what you're sharing. Then I also began a chanting class on Sunday afternoons, which I love. There were only a couple attendees but we went or it and it was great.

I finally feel like I did back when I was just in the first few years of my practice and had started teaching a couple people in Collinsville at my friends dance supply store, and then that grew, and we were inadvertently practicing Mysore style because as a new person would come in I would work with them and let the others practice what I'd already taught them and then help them when they needed it. Then I go to Maui to study with Guruji and Nancy Gilgoff and discover that this is the way this system is actually taught traditionally, hilarious to me to know I was so in tune with this stuff without even knowing it!

On a slightly sad note, but all things move and shift, my friend just closed that store this weekend. I went and had lunch with her one more time over there. She's 69 and is still practicing daily and is ready to retire finally, so an end of an era. I taught there from 2001 through early 2008.

Back then everything felt fresh and new, Guruji had told me to practice in the early morning and everything would change in my life and it had, I was teaching 3-4 nights a week to a good group who were hungry for what I had to share and I was getting other teaching gigs in St. Louis. Everything felt possible and like I was on the right path, well, I'm there again. I was so hugnry for everything that I would get online and look up Ashtanga stuff all day and order books about it by diferent people and just look at peoples websites all the time. Well, I'm studying and digging in deep again, this time a little differently, reading, studying some aspects of Hinduism, rekindling my knowledge of Sanskrit and stuff like that.

So to come back around to a place I've already been is interesting, but this time it feels so different, even though it's kind of the same. It feels good to feel good and to feel like you're doing what you are lined up to do. Is that what they call dharma? Maybe so, maybe I knew what my dharma was all along and just didn't know it. I knew it was to teach and as I teach I've always felt good, but teaching this system back in the early 2000's through 2007 was my happiest time and now that I'm back to it, it feels like it's leading into another happy time, which is just fine with me. Sometimes we need to take a detour away from that to figure out what we already knew and with fresh eyes see that we knew all along where we belonged.

It feels good to be back and the Tower Grove Park class also is starting on April 11th this year so that will be back too, all good things are coming my way. Wait a minute, they are here!

The winds of change are blowing...

In 2000 after just having started practicing Ashtanga Yoga on March 1, I drove to Boulder, Colorado in August to study for 2 weeks with K. Pattabhi Jois, who I would soon call Guruji. On this trip he held about 4 conferences, 2 of which I attended (you had to sign up for them since there were so many in attendance). One of them has been held in my memory since then, when Guruji looked directly at me (and I'm sure many in the room thought he was looking directly at them) in answer to someones question about practicing in the evenings and he said "You, (pointing at me, looking me in the eye) getting up, 4am, practicing, before working. Whole life changing, whole life(doing a sweeping motion with both hands)!

So, I went home and debated within myself about getting up so early to do it. I loved the idea of it because I knew no one else I knew would ever be doing it and in many ways I love being the odd man out, in many ways I don't love it as well, but that's another tale. So it was finally my partner at the time who convinced me to give it a try, and so I did.

Boy, did my whole life change. We broke up, I moved back across the river to Illinois, I ended up leaving my full time job at a brokerage firm of 14 years and many other things. But those are not the point of this entry today.

The point is that since then I haven't had to get up that early, other than when I'm in Mysore studying with Sharath, Guruji's grandson and the heir to the head of the lineage of Ashtanga Yoga. And to say that on my trips over there my life didn't change would be an understatement. But starting Monday with a new commitment to teach a morning Mysore program at a new studio that my friend is opening, I'm also committing to getting up at like 3am to practice before the program begins at 6am and so I fully expect the changes and transformations to begin yet again.

I just got home from Mysore on February 3rd, and many, many changes have already taken place both within and without but this could very likely be a new level of this happening again. I'm not saying this with a foreboding voice by any means, but with one of interest and introspection. I'm curious what further could come about.

I've been very slowly since getting home letting go of things more and more, but also letting go of holding on to the past and by the past I also mean this morning. Not that I'm not remembering the things that happened throughout my day but that I'm not clinging to the emotions that have arisen throughout my day.

I'm moving into each situation with a fresh outlook, no judgment from a predisposed notion that may have been caused by previous experience with a person, place or thing. Not that I'm doing that perfectly, but definitely since this last trip I'm doing it much more easily and frequently. It's an interesting place to be in, one of not clinging. I know that I feel much more at ease and happy almost all the time and with that I've also been more interested in staying in touch with my family more as well as cultivating a deeper connection with just about anyone I come in contact with, making each conversation or interaction have a deeper meaning.

So, I'm interested to see what life has to bring with this new commitment to getting up super early again. In India they call this time a few hours before dawn Brahma Muhurta, the time of God. Meaning that this time there are less people, animals, well, just about everything up and about to cause vibrations or stimulation so it's easier to connect to the energy of God or what I often call source. So to practice your asanas, meditation, chanting, anything that we do to connect at this time of the morning, is much more beneficial to spiritual growth, to expansion of consicousness and just a deeper awareness of ones self.

We'll see how it goes. I'm not going to sit and watch everything strongly, that would be the watched pot doesn't boil thing in action. But I am going to be aware and notice things, hoping to make the best choices that I can to lead me in an amazing direction and to keep those around me inspired to do that same (not get up so early but to seek connection when possible).

What do you do to connect? Is there a time you find it better than others to do your practices? Do you even have practices that you do to try to connect? If so, I hope you can find new levels of connection within them as well. It's a great time of change and strong flow of energy on our planet and I believe we are all being called to empower ourselves and others. What's your belief?

Mysore magic...

A friend of mine recently wrote an article with the above title, so I thought I'd steal that idea from her, I'm sure she won't mind and if she does she can send me a personal Facebook message about it lol.

So, in Mysore many talk about the magic there and many mean it within the shala, in their asana practice, but many mean other things as well. To me it mostly has to do with the place itself, India itself. In the shala my practice is no more easy than at home even though this time I got further but I think that had to do more with the daily schedule being kept and the heat in the room from so many being in there expending their energy. But in Gokulam I found a level of peace that I'm never able to find, a level of dedication to my practice, not just my asana practice, but to my yoga practice (living and breathing it all day long) that is not easy to find and a new level of awareness just in general, about myself and everything around me. Now part of this is because there I'm not working so my work is to practice, be aware while I practice, and take that consciousness out into my day and follow how it shifts and changes throughout my day, within and without. Also using that to tell how others are feeling and be sensitive to that as well. I also because of this depth of practice during the day built a great fire inside, called agni in Sanskrit, that fire of transformation. Inner transformation but also outer because as a result of my new level of cosciousness I lost 22 pounds in India and have since lost 5 more.

Is this maintainable? Yes, I think it is. When I got home I was maintaining my chanting that I'd learned with Ranjini, I was maintaining the same level of asana practice, maybe as time moved on it got to be a little bit more work, but not too bad. I was still able to wake up super early to practice and was doing so naturally without my alarm, which here to for had been unheard of and I'm still waking up before my alarm goes off most days, even though I am setting it now. I also have been keeping my studies of the texts and culture up which I believe is adding to that fire. So on a certain level, yes it is maintainable.

But in her article she wrote about the bubble bursting at a certain point, and I will say that yes, after my last trip I had that happen but his time it was completely different. Last time I did notice a lull in my eagerness to wake up early and practice hard at my asanas, but also lost the ability to control my diet as I had when I was in India and had lost about 17 pounds and gained most of it back because I was tending to eat a lot heavier at night. This trip coming home I had the bubble burst in a whole different way.

I had moved in with someone that I thought was a friend and who had helped me out a lot by allowing me to move my stuff into a finished room in his basement and leave it there while I was gone, having that bedroom set up and ready upon my return. Which I have to say is a lovely thing because you feel so out of sorts coming home after being over there and living there for a full three months that coming home and having to move or staying on someones couch or something like that would have to be awful. It's nice to feel at home. That feeling was there but after about two weeks started to go south, although I was not quite aware of it at the level I maybe should have been. At first the person I was staying with was practicing with me in the morning, at his behest and then that quickly stopped, when then made my schedule of getting up early annoying to him and I would frequently get texts about the things that bothered him about what I was doing that morning, or walking across his lawn or other things. But I also assume he had other personal things going on that he wasn't telling me about that were getting him agitated as well because he would frequently drop out of yoga at times when things were happening, but this time when he was dropping out I was living with him so it wasn't so easy to get away from it and I believe that also was a factor in why I kept annoying him. During this time our friendship had completely melted away and we'd quit speaking unless it was absolutely necessary. So when he asked me to move out to allow his son to move in it was via email, not even in person, which was odd to me. Remember, I'd just been back from a whole different culture on the opposite side of the planet and trying to reassimilate back into a society that I wasn't even sure I belonged in anymore, so wasn't completely able to be present with all that was going on, which is how I let it get so far out of hand without talking to him about it. We had been friends so his distress was upsetting to me but I wasn't able to handle it as I had in the past because of my displacement, not that that's a good excuse, but it's the only one I've got.

But this was supposed to be about my bubble bursting, not getting into personal relations with former friends. So this was a big burst in my bubble, having to move all of a sudden. But along with this I'd let go of my classes at all the studios I was teaching at before I left and wasn't teaching anything other than private lessons and my Mysore club that meets once or twice a week (a private group I facilitate that practices Mysore style) so was having much the same kind of time as in India to just do my practice and chanting and pranayama and allow all the things to come up to come up and was able to deal with it, so was much living the same life as I had been in India. Also I was feeling so quiet and peaceful that any upheaval from that quiet inner space really threw me for a loop. And this was one of those times.

A good friend has put me up for now and I'm feeling back to my old self and keeping up my asana practice, my chanting and pranayama (even though that week I decided I had to get out more quickly that I originally thought, my practices suffered a lot, they are back on track) and able to do the inner work again at the same level I was in India.

But also I've got a new Mysore program starting up on March 23rd and I'm quite excited about that and a lot of my students are as well, so that is really feeding into that inner fire. Hosting a full program on my own is making me step up to the plate in a new way that is forcing me to be on top of my game and calling forth all this energy that I'd not known I was able to produce before. It's at a new studio owned by a friend who I'm excited to work with again, but this time in a whole new way, and will include morning Mysore sessions, a chanting class on Sunday afternoons and an Intro series one evening in the week to feed into the Mysore program. I'll also still do Intro series at Puravegan as well throughout the year to feed into the program. I've also heard from many who are as excited to give this new way of learning a try, so that feeds into it even more.

In short, or maybe not so short by now, I think it is possible to keep the magic going. Although it will for sure feel differently than it does in Mysore. How could it not? It can still feel fulfilling and exciting and keep that inner fire going. For me manifesting it through many changes in all areas of my life seem to be how it is able to be maintained this time around, but that's okay. Change is the only constant, right?

So, how long has it been since you've incited change in your life? Maybe this sort of shake up is just what you need as well, maybe not, but look at things and see how they feel. Maybe its needed. I didn't think I was bringing this about of my own will, but hen isn't everything in your life a reflection of what's going on inside, making our life our creation? Everything that shows up is upon an invitation from you, so embrace that, but also pay attention so you're not knocked off your feet when it shows up. But even if you are knocked over get back up and bull up your bootstraps and keeping leaning into it, growing, expanding, moving forward and even try to enjoy the process for on the other side of it will be some amazing stuff and even an amazing new life!

It's been a while...

since I've written, I know that. I had to get back home, get settled in and then had my laptop die on me, so I had to make some money to be able to buy a new one. Now I've got the new one everything is shifting, so I've been settling in and making peace with that. Well, not settling in, making peace though. And now I feel tired, so not sure how long this will be, but I do know I have many things in there that are wanting to come out.

Since being home I'm missing going to the temples each day, that was something that became so comforting to me while I was in Mysore and the energy in the temples is big. Palpable. So I've been trying to make my life the temple. Sharath talked in a couple different conferences about how most Hindus go to temple daily, but all go at least once a week on Saturday or Sunday. However his family didn't go often at all, because Guruji was a priest and he made their home the temple. He did pooja every morning so they never really had a reason to go. His point was that you can make your home the temple, or yourself. They're always saying my body is a temple, right? So that's what I'm trying to do.

I read this book about Kali and talked about how she is represented as every aspect of everything, but also as something to surrender to, and to invite that in and that surrender will bring transformation. So as part of my keeping my agni, my inner fire, stoked I'm chanting a mantra invoking the energy of transformation through Kali each evening. I really enjoy it. I'm also still chanting Pada 1 and 2 of the Yoga Sutras almost daily, but doing that in the afternoons if I can, evenings before the Kali mantra if I can't make it home to do that. Also been stepping up my asana practice, doing more pranayama and chanting shanti mantras and some mantras I learned from Ranjini in the mornings. I've also contacted the Hindu temple here in the area and may start adding a drive out there once a week. So the fire I built over there is staying stoked fairly well, and I feel really good from that too. Never let your fire go out!

Within this invitation of transformation came having to buy new tires, the laptop and having to buy a new one, the person I'm living with has asked me to move out. And there are many inner things going on as well that I'll not dig into right now unless they come out spontaneously as I type.

This is all fine and dandy and is what is happening, so I have to deal with it and be okay with it. At first I was upset, especially about having to move, because that was an unexpected expense and I just don't like moving. I moved just before leaving for India and thought I'd have some time once home to feel settled before I had to do it again, but that's not what the Gods have in store for me apparently. So I'm moving, have to finalize where still but I will soon.

Also, many of the things I have to move, are coming in my mind to get rid of them, then a move wouldn't be such a big deal. Hmmmm, this is a tough one for me, most of the stuff are books and books are sacred to me. But most of the books I'll likely never read again (all the fiction one, other than Lord of the Rings, I'll reread that until I die I think) and so why keep them? There are a ton of used booksellers too, but all that I've called either don't deal directly with individuals selling, only go through their distributors, or they only offer store credit for the purchase. If I can't find a way to get rid of them for profit, then that is what I'll likely do. But some clothes and other things as well, I Think. Nothing is final yet but it all sounds good to me.

Is this a result of the surrender and invoking the energy of transformation? I think so, it's coming to not all at once, but in pieces and feels better and better each day that I add more into it.

I've got a couple weeks more of free time before the Mysore program starts and I'll have to move before then, so will be busy, but in this time it'll be interesting to see what more will come up, I'm kind of excited. Life is getting interesting and bringing that energy of India back with me this time has been more interesting and I hope I can maintain the way I felt and the openness I was able to achieve over there.

I'll write more soon, it's time to retire for the evening to read a bit then sleep.

See you all soon!

Last day...

So it's my last full day in Mysore. I feel like I should be sad, but I can't say that I'm sad. I'm not super happy to be going home either, mostly because it's still winter and there's snow expected the day of my arrival and it's a lovely 80 degrees here in the late morning, but that's something I just have to deal with.

I woke up this morning and lie in bed for a while looking at Facebook and watching a few videos before finally getting up and practicing. Sunday is our day off here but I figure since I'm not going to be able to practice tomorrow or Tuesday it would be good to get on the plane with my body as open and ready as possible.

My flight doesn't actually leave until 7am tomorrow morning but I leave from Gokulam in a cab for the 3.5 hour drive tonight just after midnight, then will have a bit of a wait at the airport before the imminent departure.

I said I'm not sad, but I am certainly emotional. The emotions are directly beneath the surface too so right there as soon as something pops up, the tears flow. Last night there was a gathering on a rooftop that included some great vegan food, a mini kirtan by Mark Robberds and a couple DJs playing some great trance sort of music and during one mantra Mark was leading us through it just dawned on me that this sort of thing won't be happening for at least another 8 months, while here it's happened almost every other week for 3 months.

That connection we all who come here to study with Sharath is something that just isn't readily available back home, that is what I'll miss most. That underlying knowing of what is going on. The people here who've been doing it for years get it because they've been through it at the beginners level and are still going through it just at a new level, and the beginners are going through it along with you and everyone else in between is going through it at their own level, wherever that may be.

My first trip was very deep and this one has proven to be even deeper, maybe because this time I got into the chanting so fully and that takes you to a new level, but also because of the asana practice and it's new lessons to teach me. I had a meeting with Sharath who is now wanting to focus more on his practice and in his own words "wants to work on the asanas as deeply as he can while he's still young enough to enjoy them."

I loved that. I enjoy my practice, but the intensity of it when you're in a group is not something I'm used to. I've practiced at home for so long that coming here just takes to such a new place for me, that maybe I am looking forward to going home and integrating all that I learned here this time. Practicing at my apartment this morning was very fulfilling and very nice, I had all the space I needed and got the heat built up I needed to get deep. It was almost better than doing it in that room.

But doing it in that room has its benefits too, you sweat like a mother fucker, more than you ever would otherwise unless you like in a tropical zone. But you also feel everyone else going through their trials and tribulations. My last Mysore practice on Friday, Mark and I were next to each other and he was practicing third series, at a posture called Ganda Berundhasana, a deep backbend where your weight is mostly on your upper chest, neck and chin as you bring your feet to your head and eventually to the floor beside your head and I was just standing up and dropping back. I was having a bit of trouble lifting up and out of my mid spine and stood there breathing before my next drop back trying to figure out how to do just that. He was having trouble with his posture came down onto his belly a few times before trying again (he may have cursed in there somewhere lol) and I just happened to see him and thought, well at least I'm not doing that! lol

And that helped me and I was able to get up and out of my mid spine to make my dropbacks more endurable. So, being in that room was helpful.

It's all good and as I took a walk around town this morning and went into the Ganesh temple to let go of my obstacles before my journey, I was looking around and enjoying seeing people I knew walk by and wave, or ride by on a scooter. Seeing locals I know or have seen daily for these past three months that I won't see again for the summer, and sitting and having a coconut at the stand I go to every day to have a fresh coconut from, I just knew that I'll be back. Sharath hinted at not opening next season, but I think he will, if a little later and I'll be here. I feel at home here more than almost anywhere. I've lived here for a little over three months this trip and almost 8 weeks last trip, so almost five months in the past year. This place has a feeling of home for me now.

Even before I came here I'd been wanting to come here for 14 years and looking at it in videos, in pictures and on Facebook for a long time, so felt like I knew it when I got here last time. It is a part of me.

I love this place, but more than that I love the people I've gotten to know over these two trips, they are friends, and friends I will have for the rest of my life.

I won't say good bye Mysore, but I will say so long, and see you again very soon!

Melancholy, not so much...

was my last conference with Sharath. I'll be here next Saturday but he will be registering the folks coming in for the new month.

I sat on the stage again this week as I liked that I could hear so well last week, but this week it was especially worth it because he gave a demo.

Last week he had talked at length about the benefits of the primary series and especially the inversions in the closing sequence. So this morning he began by talking about how he notices many of us are doing sirsasana wrong, and proceeded to give a demo of it and of several from the intermediate series and how they are different. It was nice.

But besides the demo, he led into questions almost immediately after and they yielded the best conference I've yet been to in these three months, maybe in the last trip as well. Well, maybe the best one was where he sang and I cried. But today I found resonation with many aspects of things he talked about and teared up, especially when he talked about one of his authorized teachers whom I happen to like very much as a person, and how far he's come in his practice. The person he was talking about teared up and so it made me tear up, he's so devoted to our guru, it was lovely to see.

He also told many stories about guruji and his experiences with him and with pain in the practice. All were great to hear since so many of us are going through many things, psychological, emotional or physical.

This is in no way a conference notes post, I will share a few others later in the week from those who are better at that. Also, this is in no way a blog about how I'm feeling from the conference because I've not integrated all of it yet, so I will be writing quite a bit more about it and maybe some throughout the whole week as it's my last full week of practice and on Monday I have an appointment with Sharath, so that should yield some stuff as well. It's just me getting the froth off the top of the mug of cappuccino so that I can get to the good stuff.

So expect more, maybe tonight or maybe tomorrow, but soon...