Last day...

So it's my last full day in Mysore. I feel like I should be sad, but I can't say that I'm sad. I'm not super happy to be going home either, mostly because it's still winter and there's snow expected the day of my arrival and it's a lovely 80 degrees here in the late morning, but that's something I just have to deal with.

I woke up this morning and lie in bed for a while looking at Facebook and watching a few videos before finally getting up and practicing. Sunday is our day off here but I figure since I'm not going to be able to practice tomorrow or Tuesday it would be good to get on the plane with my body as open and ready as possible.

My flight doesn't actually leave until 7am tomorrow morning but I leave from Gokulam in a cab for the 3.5 hour drive tonight just after midnight, then will have a bit of a wait at the airport before the imminent departure.

I said I'm not sad, but I am certainly emotional. The emotions are directly beneath the surface too so right there as soon as something pops up, the tears flow. Last night there was a gathering on a rooftop that included some great vegan food, a mini kirtan by Mark Robberds and a couple DJs playing some great trance sort of music and during one mantra Mark was leading us through it just dawned on me that this sort of thing won't be happening for at least another 8 months, while here it's happened almost every other week for 3 months.

That connection we all who come here to study with Sharath is something that just isn't readily available back home, that is what I'll miss most. That underlying knowing of what is going on. The people here who've been doing it for years get it because they've been through it at the beginners level and are still going through it just at a new level, and the beginners are going through it along with you and everyone else in between is going through it at their own level, wherever that may be.

My first trip was very deep and this one has proven to be even deeper, maybe because this time I got into the chanting so fully and that takes you to a new level, but also because of the asana practice and it's new lessons to teach me. I had a meeting with Sharath who is now wanting to focus more on his practice and in his own words "wants to work on the asanas as deeply as he can while he's still young enough to enjoy them."

I loved that. I enjoy my practice, but the intensity of it when you're in a group is not something I'm used to. I've practiced at home for so long that coming here just takes to such a new place for me, that maybe I am looking forward to going home and integrating all that I learned here this time. Practicing at my apartment this morning was very fulfilling and very nice, I had all the space I needed and got the heat built up I needed to get deep. It was almost better than doing it in that room.

But doing it in that room has its benefits too, you sweat like a mother fucker, more than you ever would otherwise unless you like in a tropical zone. But you also feel everyone else going through their trials and tribulations. My last Mysore practice on Friday, Mark and I were next to each other and he was practicing third series, at a posture called Ganda Berundhasana, a deep backbend where your weight is mostly on your upper chest, neck and chin as you bring your feet to your head and eventually to the floor beside your head and I was just standing up and dropping back. I was having a bit of trouble lifting up and out of my mid spine and stood there breathing before my next drop back trying to figure out how to do just that. He was having trouble with his posture came down onto his belly a few times before trying again (he may have cursed in there somewhere lol) and I just happened to see him and thought, well at least I'm not doing that! lol

And that helped me and I was able to get up and out of my mid spine to make my dropbacks more endurable. So, being in that room was helpful.

It's all good and as I took a walk around town this morning and went into the Ganesh temple to let go of my obstacles before my journey, I was looking around and enjoying seeing people I knew walk by and wave, or ride by on a scooter. Seeing locals I know or have seen daily for these past three months that I won't see again for the summer, and sitting and having a coconut at the stand I go to every day to have a fresh coconut from, I just knew that I'll be back. Sharath hinted at not opening next season, but I think he will, if a little later and I'll be here. I feel at home here more than almost anywhere. I've lived here for a little over three months this trip and almost 8 weeks last trip, so almost five months in the past year. This place has a feeling of home for me now.

Even before I came here I'd been wanting to come here for 14 years and looking at it in videos, in pictures and on Facebook for a long time, so felt like I knew it when I got here last time. It is a part of me.

I love this place, but more than that I love the people I've gotten to know over these two trips, they are friends, and friends I will have for the rest of my life.

I won't say good bye Mysore, but I will say so long, and see you again very soon!

Melancholy, not so much...

was my last conference with Sharath. I'll be here next Saturday but he will be registering the folks coming in for the new month.

I sat on the stage again this week as I liked that I could hear so well last week, but this week it was especially worth it because he gave a demo.

Last week he had talked at length about the benefits of the primary series and especially the inversions in the closing sequence. So this morning he began by talking about how he notices many of us are doing sirsasana wrong, and proceeded to give a demo of it and of several from the intermediate series and how they are different. It was nice.

But besides the demo, he led into questions almost immediately after and they yielded the best conference I've yet been to in these three months, maybe in the last trip as well. Well, maybe the best one was where he sang and I cried. But today I found resonation with many aspects of things he talked about and teared up, especially when he talked about one of his authorized teachers whom I happen to like very much as a person, and how far he's come in his practice. The person he was talking about teared up and so it made me tear up, he's so devoted to our guru, it was lovely to see.

He also told many stories about guruji and his experiences with him and with pain in the practice. All were great to hear since so many of us are going through many things, psychological, emotional or physical.

This is in no way a conference notes post, I will share a few others later in the week from those who are better at that. Also, this is in no way a blog about how I'm feeling from the conference because I've not integrated all of it yet, so I will be writing quite a bit more about it and maybe some throughout the whole week as it's my last full week of practice and on Monday I have an appointment with Sharath, so that should yield some stuff as well. It's just me getting the froth off the top of the mug of cappuccino so that I can get to the good stuff.

So expect more, maybe tonight or maybe tomorrow, but soon...

Space

So, I'm in India for just another week and a half. only 8 classes left with Sharath, three of them led so I don't count them. They are very meditative because you can just check out with your mind mostly but the real work happens in the Mysore room. That's where no matter what is going on (and there is a lot going on in a room with around 70 people practicing all levels of this dynamic practice all around you, at different points and different breath patterns and different noises coming from them and all) you have to pull some strength out from wherever needed to get through your practice, some days anyway, and then others are easy as pie, and then others are struggly in a different sort of way. It's very interesting.

I came here expecting to begin intermediate series, but then had unexpected back problems that halted my progress in that arena and even had Sharath have me step back a bit. But now that it's better I'm finding that I'm discovering more and more space in my spine than ever before. I can't imagine how it used to be back when you could come here for 6 months or even years and study and see what that wrought from this degenerative spine, that would be awesome.

It's so nice to feel the bones move and adjust to allow the space to open up as I move through my morning practice. It's interesting to feel how it feels as I walk down the street and feel taller than I ever have before. To sit on the floor which is mostly where I seem to sit over here, and feel my sit bones and the space between the iliac crest and greater trochanter and sit bones, such an odd sensation feeling those muscles be mostly relaxed, sitting up with my inner body, up along my inner spine. It's great to feel my neck and how the bones have moved around and are allowing the muscles to not be so cramped up, which they can get with this practice where we lift our body weight so often throughout it.

Tim Feldmann posted once about feeling tenderized after a couple months in Mysore, now I think I'm getting what he was talking about. Last time I felt more open, for sure, it was 7 weeks and it was hot and dry, while at home it was an icy and snowy below freezing winter, so I opened up for sure. But this time it was longer, not as hot, but consistently warm in the Mysore room with Sharath, and that was enough to open me up.

I'm interested to see how it goes these last few classes since I'm just now seeing this change, or rather feeling it, to observe how much further it goes since it doesn't really know I'm going home. Maybe it will keep going even after I'm home if I can stay relaxed enough no matter how cold it is.

We'll see. I'm going home to a new Mysore program at a new studio, to a whole new schedule, to my friends, students and family and to the spring shortly thereafter. But I'm also going home planning to enjoy my whole spring and summer and then to come back here in the fall, and have an extended trip after my Mysore trip so that I can see the North (Himalayas, the Ganga, Rishikesh/Haridwar, maybe Varanasi...etc.) and to live an exciting life from here on out. Even if that means being in St. Louis teaching new people there, to be excited about that and looking forward to it.

Easy to say now, we'll see if I'm able to maintain this enthusiasm, but I'm sure I will be able to. Now, to enjoy my last week and a half here!

Conference...

This mornings conference has a lot of points that I'm still processing. I am so inspired by Sharath, he uses humour very well within all of his seriousness, I can only hope I emulate that in even the tiniest bit.

Someone asked this morning about how can they know which are the right impulses and which are the wrong ones to follow. I divert to the Abraham teachings often for this, saying that when it feels good it lined up with source, when it feels icky it is lined up less so with source. But sometimes things feel equally as good, so how then do you choose? Maybe this is what he was asking. It feels good to go hang out with your friends sometimes, even though you know you have to get up early and do your sadhana, so do you sacrifice your sadhana or do you sacrifice hanging out with your friends? Just an example of something I've thought of a few times this past year.

I tend to always say no, I have to get up early, but this past summer after spending time in Mysore last winter and spring, once I was home again I had a deeper feeling for the friends that I have, for my family as well. So a few times, maybe three, I stayed up late. A couple of the times I slept in a bit and still did my practice, once I didn't do the asana part but still was able to do pranayama and chanting, so felt pretty okay with it.

So maybe it's not always a black or white area, but a grey area and it has to be decided upon each individual situation. Well, of course that is the case. You can have a blanket policy but sometimes its good to break it just to remind you why you have it, but also good to break it to deepen a connection to some people whom you enjoy having in your life.

I'm going home two weeks from tomorrow and am thinking a lot about home and how things will roll once I get there. How it rolls, of course, I cannot really worry about until I'm there and see how things fall. I'm really excited about some aspects of going home, starting a new Mysore program at a friends new and expanded studio, starting another Intro series at another friends studio and cafe, working with the students who have been coming and supporting me in this new part of my life which involves me being gone for months at a time to India and whom I love very much, but also working with new students and how to connect this time honored lineage with them...etc. But I am also sad because working with Sharath is amazing and I feel a deep connection to him and to that big room full of other people doing their practice all at the same time and how we flow and synchronize our practices to disturb each others space as little as possible.

But I also am thinking a lot about primary series and Sharath talked a lot about it this morning and in the past few conferences. I have learned over the course of these three months to love the primary series and not fiend for the postures in the intermediate that I so longed for. At one point I had so much pain in my SI joint that I thought I'd for sure quit this practice and teaching and go get a job at Starbucks once back home, but then once it got fixed I saw how the primary series heals and has strengthened my body so much, so that that strength flows from the inside, from the spirit, not from the physical. I now feel this deep, internal strength that I hadn't felt in a long time, if ever before in this exact way. So, primary series is good, I'm happy with it and love teaching it and seeing how it's helping all these other at home.

Anyhow,I've much more integration time from this mornings words before I'll be able to write any more, but here is where I am right now.

Have a great day friends!

"Everywhere looking, God is seeing..."

Sharath talked about a lot of things this morning in conference, I'm not the one to take notes, I'm the one to listen until I hear something that dings and then start processing.

Last conference he talked about God, but decided we shouldn't use the word God because it has so many connotations to it in peoples minds, so he started calling it energy. Again this morning he started talking about God, mentioned calling it supreme energy and such but kept slipping back into the use of the word God.

Personally I use the word God a lot because I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian environment and so that was the word we used. As I got older, studied other religions, other spiritual paths, and eventually studying yoga and the movement of energy through the body I still continued and continue to use the word God. To me God is everything, not an old man with a long beard sitting in the clouds.

Sharath talked, near the end of conference, about how this energy is you, is me, is everything and so it resonated with me. I'm also reading Dancing with Siva, a book written by the head of a group of Hindu monks who's monastery is on the island of Maui, they also produce the magazine Hinduism Today and I've read their stuff for years, but never bought the three big books that their teacher wrote introducing the Western mind to Hinduism (he himself was a Western dancer in his teens who was drawn to the Hindu and more specifically Saivite path at a young age and converted over) so when I saw the book at Sapna bookstore here I took it that it was meant for me to purchase it, it was time to get into their stuff. In this book, he mentions the four types of Hindus, Saivite, Vaishnavites, followers of Shakti and Smartas, but went on to talk about how it doesn't matter which "god" you follow, they are all one, the underlying idea behind Hinduism is Sanatana Dharma, belief that all gods are just aspects of the same energy force, and Sharath as well talked about this when asked about mudras, the three fingers pointing down in jnana mudra represent Brahma, Vishnu and Maheshwara and shouldn't be separated, but together since those three are really just one energy, so it's symbolic, and the index finger and thumb together represent atma and paramatma, the individual soul and the oversoul, or God, and they are connected because they are also one. All of these things is one, one, one.

Sure we are individuated, but underlying it all, we are the same spirit. Sounds confusing to a lot of folks but when I saw the movie I <3 Huckabees and Dustin Hoffman's character expounded upon the blanket theory, I got it. He held out a blanket (this scene used to be on YouTube and I was going to attach it but it's not there anymore) and at one end he poked up into the blanket creating a bump and said, "this is the Eiffel Tower", then another place poked through and said, "this is you", then another, "this is me", then another, "this is a hot dog", "this is a car", etc. etc. etc.

Get it? It's all different things but it's all one blanket, God is the blanket. So to me it's like a corner of the blanket is poked into each of us and into each thing on the planet, but all are made of the same thing. This would also resonate with the teachings of Abraham that I follow and is why I think those teachings and the ones of Ashtanga Yoga I'm learning from Sharath and have learned from Guruji in the past are all the same. Guruji used to say "looking at wall, thinking God. Everywhere looking, God is seeing."

Yes? If you get this, even a tiny bit, then you get me and there's a reason you're in my life. So if you're reading this, thank you, you are a mirror of an aspect of myself and I am the same for you, because we are both just different corners of the same blanket.

Help me to remember that please when you find me pissed off at you, or remember it yourself when you find me pissing you off. Let's be in this together, it's a great path, one I love and don't plan on leaving anytime soon, hope to see you there!

I love being weird...

During a conversation at lunch yesterday at Chakra House I said I love being the weirdest person I know. What does that mean? To me at home people think I'm crazy to get up and make these weird shapes with my body before the sun even comes up and for an hour and a half, and then do all this breathwork and chant, then go teach others to do the same with themselves.

I love doing asanas, they are weird and sometimes I'm really fucking sore and just don't feel like doing them, but they tame my bad back and keep my mind in a clear place. Here is Mysore I almost feel too normal because there are so many of us here for the same purpose.

Don't get me wrong, it's awesome having conversations that inspire me daily with others who know the practice I love and have been through the same or similar trials and tribulations from this intense asana practice we use as a tool to get our minds together so that maybe, just maybe, we can tap into spirit if even only for a blip of time shorter than you can imagine, and then keep reaching back for that experience again and again.

It's awesome to do this strange stuff every day in a city that mostly no one does the specific practice that I do, but also to know that there are many around the planet doing the same thing, maybe not at exactly the same moment, but at some point during their day. That is one thing I do love about being here in Mysore, that I see those others doing their daily practice, some doing third and fourth series and some just doing half primary, or some like me stuck at a posture and longing for the next one so badly you think you'll quit practicing (really, do we want to get more postures? We just have to do them all then and keep elongating our practice so that we just have to get up even earlier and earlier to do it before we head out to teach others, really?).

I love these teachings, they are crazy, they are awesome, they may or may not be so ancient (whichever really doesn't matter to me because they work) and they are the most challenging thing I do all day long. That microcosm of time on my mat where I go through trials and tribulations daily seem to be preparing me for the macrocosm of life where the trials and tribulations are much bigger, and more intense and can take the breath out of you.

And now here I'm doing additional chanting classes and you think asanas are hard, lol, they are simple in comparison.

Chanting is a pranayama exercise, first and foremost but also the sound current is very powerful and in the ancient Sanskrit language it becomes more powerful, so we're focusing on the Yoga Sutras to begin our classes, then some traditional mantras and then singing, but the sutras are by far the strongest of these sessions. They move the energy up your spine, up and out through your whole body and at times you feel like you're going to burst it's so strong. And again, I love this. Not that I want to burst, but I love learning this ancient stuff in a very traditional way and that's so far removed from the way people live their lives in the West that it makes me happy again to be weird.

But, funny, our weird is this cultures tradition, and has roots back further by thousands of years than the U.S.'s are. So, who are the weird ones? Maybe it's not us. Maybe if we open up our minds enough we can see that this stuff was around before us and maybe that makes it more valid than many or even any of the teachings that are considered traditional over there? Maybe?

To me they for sure are, I remember how at home I felt chanting that first ommmm in Boulder with Guruji and 250 others in a non-denominational church Richard Freeman had rented to host us in. I remember seeing that yogi on That's Incredible in the 80's and feeling like I knew what he was doing and that it wasn't just a physical thing as most who were watching thought it was, and were marveling at. I remember that first class I took at the Solar Yoga Center in St. Louis and I could barely walk the day after because I'd never moved some of those parts of myself and certainly had never moved blood circulation or energy through my whole being as I did that night, but even though I could hardly walk, I still knew something had happened and I went back. I knew when I took that first Intro to Ashtanga 8 week series with Lucy Holmes in March of 2000 that this Ashtanga stuff was something that was going to change my very existence. I knew when Guruji looked at me and told me "you, getting up early, before working, 4am, practicing, then whole life changing..." that he was absolutely right and it was changing then and was going to get more and more "weird" before my normal became a new thing.

We are a weird tribe, but we are a tribe none the less. There are many of us here in Mysore studying with Sharath and his mom Saraswathi because we are drawn here and cannot shut out that call. It's in our very being. So even though we come from Ukraine, Russia, Japan, England, South Africa, Scotland, Canada, Australia, Germany, LA, New York, Chicago, San Antonio, Colorado and everywhere else across the US (which I keep hearing from everyone how big our country is because to us we drive 4-5 hours and are in another state, same language, maybe different dialect, but they drive the same distance and are in another country, with a whole different culture and language) yes, even little old St. Louis, we are all on a common thread with this yoga.

Yes we all interpret the sutras differently, we all interpret the same words coming from Sharath's mouth differently, some are drawn to the Sanskrit courses, some see it as a dead language and think who cares, yes we each are individual and have our own opinions, it's still nice to be a part of something and to have discussions about things and see how differently they are received by others than by you in your little mind and find that common thread, and there usually is one, especially here in Mysore where we're all away from our "normal" lives and can chill a little bit around our mental constructs about how things are "supposed" to be in life.

So, are you trapped in a rut? Come try being weird with me sometime, doesn't mean you have to come to India, but if you dig into this practice sooner than later, I bet you the itch will come to be scratched, it always seems to. Either way, you can be some of the weirdest people in St. Louis with me, or in whatever city or town you are in, I bet there is someone there who teaches Ashtanga, whether or not they're authorized/certified or not, there's probably someone who loves it so much they cannot bear not to share it with you.

Check them out

Going within...

I hear a lot about going within here in India, from Sharath a lot of the time and I tend to think I have a good idea of what that means. But then the next level of realization occurs and you doubt that you've ever gone within before, because this experience feels so deep.

I just am home from conference with Sharath and the Vedas came to my mind on the walk home because he was asked what his favorite text was, I'm assuming Chris asked because each of us has something that touches us and makes us go deeper than before and he wanted to know what did that for Sharath. And I was surprised by his answer, although I don't think I should've been. He said "the real text is within you. Those other texts are just references. Do your practice, the asanas, the yamas, the niyamas, and unlock the real text, the real knowledge that lies within you." That's not an exact quote, but paraphrased from my remembrance of what he said, so perhaps I should remove the quotation marks? Ehhh.

Veda means knowledge, but more than that it means revealed knowledge. It was knowledge unlocked from within the sages of old, as they sat and meditated or did an asana practice, or just contemplated things deeply. The texts were called this because they believed these beings gained the information from within. So, why do we believe this can only have been done thousands of years ago? What can't it be happening now, as we speak, maybe even in my own bedroom? Thinking of this makes me think we've lost something in the West with all the busyness of our lives all around us we never take that time to go deep and get quiet, at least many don't. I do in my morning practice of asana, of chanting, of pranayama and of meditation but then it seems to get lost throughout my day as I move through a very busy life of teaching classes, having lunch meetings, talking with friends, texting, phone conversations, plans on trips, plans on workshops, etc, etc, etc...

But here with all the time in the world to contemplate it comes up and I feel it and I think about it more often, so does this mean at home I need to create a quieter life? A life more geared toward contemplation and reflection. Not just for myself but also for my students so that when they have a question I've taken the time to gain the insight into things enough to have a valid answer? Maybe so.

Last week in conference someone asked Sharath about a comment he'd made the previous week about how perhaps many authorized teachers are not real big yogis, that the possibility that someone practicing only half primary can be just as big of a yogi or moreso, and they asked why didn't he just authorize those people he considered to be the real deal. Again, paraphrased from my own memory of it. And he said, they did the work and learned the things in the order in which we've asked them to, so they get authorized, but we can't make them do the work. It's up to you to do the work of deepening and learning more about the yamas and niyamas and what they mean to you and as you pass along the teachings as they've been taught to you, to your students, then its up to them to do the work themselves. So, I take away from that I can only transmit the teachings, its up to them to do the work, we cannot do the work for them, which leads me back to this comment from this week, they have to unlock their own knowledge.

I like this. It's a weight off my shoulders. I know this from my studies with Abraham, we only have control over our own vibration, no one elses, so we can only hold them in our highest place and hope for the best with them. I can only do this work for me, I have to do my asana practice, I have to study and read scriptures if I'm drawn to reading them (and I am, a lot) and I have to chant if I want to and practice pranayama and meditation, they will transform me. And so when a student comes to ask a question I'll have some insight into how it worked for me and can share that with them, but they have to do the work on their own to unlock their own truth, only they can read that text, not me. I am rereading sections of the book Guruji also and one interview was talking about how Guruji never forced chanting, or any of his knowledge on his students, unless they asked. Have an opinion for yourself, but no need in sharing it or enforcing it upon another, unless they come and ask for it, then it's on them if they don't like it, they've asked for the way you see it and you can give it to them.

I love that, it makes me feel good. And yes, I'd much rather be the one doing half primary who gets it, than the one doing Advanced A or B who doesn't. I can practice full primary, I can stand up and drop back on my own, I can't "catch" my ankles from a backbend on my own yet, but that's okay, I'm still having the experience of opening up my back and nervous system by doing the backbending either way and that experience brings more insight each time I do it, some days it brings unlimited energy and some it brings deep tiredness, all of which are experiences to be worked through and I may complain but I still love it and am happy this practice is a part of my life.

I love this place, I really do, and I love having this experience. I could be irritated that I never came when I originally meant to back in 2000 or 2002 but what use would that be? I didn't come then, I'm here now, so obviously I'm more ready than ever for it and the universe knows that, so here I am.

Where are you? Are you happy there? Even content? I hope so, if not, ask how you can cultivate these feelings within, what would that take to get there? Or change the situation to one more desired maybe? I'd rather not run, I'd rather be okay wherever I am and move forward from there.

Have an amazing weekend, namaste!