Self expression

So, I'm driving in my car just a few moments ago listening to Grace Jones' last album, Hurricane, it came out in Europe in 2009 and here in 2011. I bought it from amazon on a whim and damn, I've been listening to it for over a year now. But after seeing her again recently on a couple of youtube videos that show her performing as a now 67 year old woman, who is still vibrant, in shape and as expressive as ever (those who grew up in the 70's and 80's will remember her visual form of expression well, as well as her interesting vocals, or songs if you prefer), it made me pull her album back out and give it another listen.

I must preface this by saying that a friend of mine and I went to see Abraham last weekend, or rather see Esther Hicks channel Abraham and the energy in the room was awesome and something that I was holding inside broke loose and now I feel more free than I ever have. Vibrant and happy and seeking expression in many, many different ways. But I digress...

So, the first line of the first song on the album, the song is called This Is Life..., is "this is my voice, my weapon of choice." Brilliant. She does use visuals for sure, but if you listen to this album, hell, if you listen to the lyrics on all of her albums they are groundbreaking. She expresses her opinions very clearly and very well and very artisticly. This I believe is something that all of us need to do, figure out what our medium is and use it to bring out the stuff we have inside. Which brings to mind my favorite quote from the Gnostic Gospel of Thomas, attributed to being said by Jesus,

If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

I love that. It tells it straight forward. Now, it also can scare the fuck out of you right? So basically its saying if you don't express yourself that stuff you're holding back will kill you from the inside out! Scary as hell. But it can also be a big kick to dig in deep, figure out what's in there and let it start to boil to the surface and find a form of expression that satisfies it, which is the way I'm choosing to look at it.

So, I'm driving, listening to Grace, with all this energy flowing through me and wondering, hmmm, she uses her voice to express herself, and very much as equally uses costumes to accentuate her appearance and other forms of physical and visual expression, including hula hooping while wearing fully vinyl outfit and 6 inch heels and singing "Slave to the Rhythm" and all the while being 67. So what in the fuck in my form of self expression? What rings my bells?

I have to say first of all, interacting with others. I love to talk to people, see what makes them tick and blend it with my views on life and see what concoction comes out of it. First and foremost that is my choice of expression. What else?

Well, I love to teach. Teaching, especially lately with this great core group of students I have and this new group of other teachers coming in to try out Ashtanga, I've been more inspired than ever to teach it more and more. But even more so to practice and give it more of my energy. Practicing also moves more and more energy through my body which in turn also feeds my need for expression but also feeds the creativity of what wants to come out of me, and it seems to want it more often. This week especially, I assume after being in the presence of Abraham last Saturday, I'm so, so inspired and full of energy that I almost can't stand myself, but then I channel it and find more energy on top of that, crazy.

But also, I love to write. When I was a child I used to draw. I would draw new characters, characters based on comic book heroes I loved, but also my own creations and I would give them interesting suits or outfits and hairdos, then I would color it in. It was very fulfilling to me, but I also made up storylines and where they were going, how they dealt with situations and what happened to them was almost, if not more, interesting to me to come up with. But I also read books voraciously. I couldn't stop. I still to this day love to read, fiction and non-fiction, as long as its well written. I love it. So one day I took up writing this blog and found it interesting how I felt afterwards. Like I'd let go of some crap that wasn't serving me anymore. Then I got a lot of responses after writing maybe ten or so blog entries and it dawned on me, oh, people are actually reading this. I also discovered that it was so cathartic to have it be read by folks I didn't even know and that they were identifying with it. Then I got the bug, so I would write a lot.

Lately I've not been writing as much. I've been really trying to figure out how my last trip to Mysore affected me and what wants to come of the ideas I've got coming up. So the starting of the Mysore program here is only the beginning of that expression, there is more to come after this upcoming trip.

This week I found myself writing long statuses on Facebook, both on my yoga page and my personal page, which made me realize that I've been missing the writing as a form of expression. So while driving tonight this blog entry started to formulate in my mind and I was taking a walk at the park so had to get in the car and rush home to write this. There might even be more wanting to come out, I'll see if another entry comes up tomorrow. But I do think that I'm going to have to make writing more of a priority, it does really fulfill me and help me keep stuff from getting all backed up inside. Once it backs up enough it starts to manifest physically as a tight spot, or muscle issue, or spinal problem or a headache, so I need to keep it flowing.

This is my public commitment to keep flowing the energy, allowing it expression through my teaching, through my voice (and yes, I'd love to sing too if you wanna give me a try) and through my writing. Maybe I'll even write a book. I could start it while I'm in Mysore again. I always doubt anyone would read it but I have a lot of stories people love to hear like my upbringing and discovering spirituality, rather than Christianity, through Shirley MacLaine's books. Then after moving out of the house partying all the time, becoming a Wiccan, performing in drag for almost a year, partying some more, finding myself to have a sexual addiction which manifested in many different ways for well over fifteen years, finding yoga while working in the corporate world, becoming a Sikh in the middle of America where most are provincial and fundamentalist Christians, walking around publicly wearing a turban after 911 and everyone thinking I was going to blow them up, going to India and meeting people from all over the globe.... These are just to name a few, so maybe I have some content to fill up a book with.

Do you have a form of self expression? Are you feeling blocked and/or backed up and like there are things needing to come out or else they will destroy you from the inside out? Remember, it's your choice to feel this way. You can choose to start to seek ways to allow this stuff to flow out from you. Go look at art, listen to a singer at a pub or coffeehouse, read a book you might never have thought about before, or just sit down and write something, anything, to get the juices flowing.

We all have things that light us up, that turn our cranks, that really get us feeling alive. Do you figure out what they are and allow them to the surface, or keep them locked away to eventually kill you of some disease? I saw let them free, get it moving now, don't waste another minute.

The energy on this planet, in this universe, is flowing at a faster rate than ever. Are you up to speed with it or not???

The energy of transformation...

This has been on my mind a lot lately, probably because so many things are changing and its starting to feel like your feet are coming out from under you to keep up, sound familiar?

So when you feel that pressure, you're drawn to do the thing that you're doing, let's say your asana practice (maybe since in the Ashtanga method that's a daily hurdle), that next posture is coming up, you know you don't love it, but you know that when you're finished with it it feels better and it feels like you've moved past something, or through something. For me this used to be standing up, I'd seemingly been able to drop back more easily than I thought I would, even though there was that fear of plonking down onto your head I could still do it, but the standing up comes first. My first trip to Mysore Sharath taught me the full primary series after 6 weeks then started me on standing up and dropping back the 7th week, then came the end of my time there and I had a meeting with him and he sent me home with that as my "homework," the second trip I had different homework, now looms my third trip where the homework from my first trip is finally dare I use the word easy? No, easier, yes, it is easier. I can now stand up and drop back with less trepidation than ever before and lately its almost been as if its easy. Now, my homework from last trip I won't discuss, its still not easy, I am getting closer to it, but its not easy.

So when those standing up and dropping back thingees were coming up I'd feel it, it was a like I was under pressure and when I got there I'd have built it up to be much more than it should've been. That pressure, and the fact that there is less of it now, some days even none, is the transmutation of that energy into a new thing. I like to say, "yes, in this practice we are trying to kill you. (long pause) Kill those little parts of your psyche that are no longer serving you to be exact, so you are in a cocoon right now waiting to break through that tough shell to emerge as a butterfly." So, it may be true that in this practice there are many levels of transformation, or layers to be shed, or veils to be lifted, but each time it feels like that, transforming into a new way of thinking or being.

Well, that pressure you feel, which can often feel like a completely real physical pressure, is the neural synopses pulling away from one another. Now you may read that and say what the fuck?!? But when we get in a pattern, or a habit of thought or of doing things a certain way it gets comfortable and when comfortable there is no transformation happening, yes I said that. So when you're trying to change a habit, either of thought or of physical action, those synopses in the brain that are used to firing together, trading electrical impulses that help keep you exactly where you are, and you introduce a new way of doing something or of thinking, they start to have to pull away from one another, to learn to fire in a new pattern with a different set of synopses and many will say "its making my head hurt." Well, yes, it literally is making your head hurt, that pulling away can also feel like pressure. Not pressure in a specific place, but just pressure, like stress, like you're on the verge of changing and it's easier to go back to the old way but you're drawn to the new way so you want to keep moving forward and its too much! AAaaaahhhhh!!!

LOL

This is the time when people often stop their yoga practice, they can't take it, they don't want any more change to come and are ready to just relax and be comfortable for a while. Well, this is exactly the time to not give up and to push forward, now I don't mean push as in physically because that will result in injury, and learning from an injury is a whole other topic of conversation, but pushing past the boundaries of your limited thinking. Stopping thinking in scarcity or lack, start thinking in abundance and fertility. But that's hard, isn't it? Yes, but if you do it and once the pressure lifts you are on the other side of it and it feels like ease, like feeling better, like flow and allowing yourself to go with the flow. And that's not to say there won't be new obstacles to your thought processes in the future but once you've made it through one transformation, the next one you may be a bit less apprehensive to tackle.

Think of it this way, a diamond and coal are essentially the same in chemical properties right? But the diamond is viewed as the most precious of stones used in jewelry, especially for a wedding band, so a big symbol, but it's also used to channel light into a laser beam, in fact its the only stone hard enough and strong enough internally to be used this way, all the others are inferior. So what's the different between it and coal? I huge amount of pressure is applied, yes pressure. The earth squeezes the hell out of the carbon compound until it pressurizes, its atoms actually come closer together and turn it into this harder than rock substance.

So if you think of yourself in these terms, would you rather be a piece of coal, or a diamond?

The transformation of yourself into a better version of yourself is always a noble goal and something I think we should all be being trained to do in life, not just in yoga practice, but to create that state of being known as yoga (union).

So if you're feeling pressure, lean into it, think of the outcome. Don't run away from it, then you'll just be the same person and will still draw more of that same situation to yourself until you actually do it. A teacher said to me when I first started this trip to becoming a more conscious being, "at first you'll get a tap on the shoulder, then when that goes unattended you'll get both shoulders grabbed and a good shake given to you, then when you don't respond to that you'll trip in the street and hit your head on the concrete, then when you still don't notice or do anything about it maybe you'll have a serious car wreck... Now this may sound extreme, but we're meant to grow, to expand and to transform ourselves. We are all caterpillars waiting to become butterflies and the universe won't stop knocking on your door until you answer it. Would you rather answer that tap on the shoulder? or once you're lying in the hospital recovering from that huge car accident where you broke some limbs, that's up to you, but me I feel every tap these days and say, oh what's that about?"

I love that, and its stayed with me all these almost 16 years I've been practicing and the many more years that I was wondering about the deeper things in life before finally taking a step toward them instead of away from them.

Deepening...

I haven't written much lately and the truth is it's because I've been having great conversations lately that have left me fulfilled and I haven't felt the need for release as I often do when writing a blog. Not that I want to vent here, it's not at all what I'm trying to do, but I usually have something to say and the only thing is that it's like giving birth, or releasing something into the world for better or worse.

Lately everything has been shifting. I've been feeling it, in my body, in my mind, in my practice, in my interactions with others and in observation of others and their behaviour towards one another and me. So I open Facebook as I was sitting at my favorite vegan place drinking a coconut water and eating a truffle and someone I met in Mysore last season had written a blog about how everything is shifting and she's feeling it in her practice, mostly in kapotasana using that posture in particular as the crux of the point she was wanting to express, but as I was reading it I also realized that I was having this happen and it was manifesting in my practice.

About a month ago I was in Chicago with four of my students to see David Robson, known in the Ashtanga world as the Learn to Float guy or also the guy with the largest Mysore program, outside of Mysore, on the planet. During the led primary class he kept saying suck your belly back but then would also cue to lengthen the chest or sternum forward also extending the chin to as to gaze at the toes. All of this I've heard before, from my original teacher Nancy Gilgoff, from Kino and a few others. But this time it stuck and made sense and has deepened my experience of forward bending since then. Then it dawned on my that I was in Mysore this last trip and during back bending Youngblood Roche, who was assisting Sharath, kept having me do this same motion which feels to me like its extending from my mid/lower thoracic region of my spine up through my sternum, thereby opening up my chest and my upper spine, then also allowing my shoulders to plug in just right to my back muscles and making standing up and dropping back much more "easy" if there is such a thing. But the aha moment was that it was the same action, just manifested in a different posture, but the connection really opened me up, opened up my mind to a lot of possibility and from that all is shifting.

Noticing these things within the microcosm of my body via my practice has also made me notice how these things are manifesting in the macrocosm of my life. I often think of the time on the mat as my precursor to how my day is going to go and I can make choices as to how to act or react to things, to breathe deeper into them to expand them and let them grow, or even to let them go and feel that surrender and release within my practice, also within my life. So, these deepenings are also showing up in my conversations, as I said earlier, the connections lately have been profound and very deep, whether laughing, crying, or talking philosophy and getting so excited the hairs on my body stand up, those times are times connecting with other people, and thereby deepening our connection to ourselves. I subscribe to the idea that everyone in our life is mirroring an aspect of ourselves back to us allowing us see where we are, and the studies I've done in the Law of Attraction have only proven this to be true.

Mine however as my friends article focused much on a particular posture, has not focused on any one posture in my practice. It's just been overall more deep, another deepening, yes. Having this opening in my spine and in my chest often makes way for big openings on the energetic level, and these areas are the third and fourth chakras, so areas that are often full of blockages for most people so that means the energy may finally be moving in this area for me, which is commonly in yogic terms, or in fluffy modern day yogic terms anyway, known as a "heart opening." I've been very easy to cry, very easy to feel happy and laugh hysterically, very easy to get excited and feel the energy stand my hairs up, but not necessarily so easy to get sad, but very easy to get anxious at times (as in the case of applying to study with Sharath in Mysore again and not finding out whilst all my friends were getting confirmation, then finding housing and then buying the plane ticket, now they are finished and I'm much more calm lol). But mostly its about the feeling and being with it, and then the ease of letting it go, still observing that it's there but not being of it, letting it rule my mind for the rest of the day.

It's also manifesting as an opening in my practice, I'm finding it easier to get up and begin it and maintain the focus throughout it, but also the twists are deeper, the breath is fuller, the backbends are deeper, the shoulders more open, the floating lighter and more controlled and yet free at the same time, the forward bends much more sustainable than they ever used to feel. Just all around, it seems "easier" which I've put in quotes because I don't want to jinx myself and wake up tomorrow to the hardest practice I've ever encountered!

All in all this deepening of life is a good thing, so I embrace it and while things will continue to change and may not be so "easy" as they seem to be right now, I know I'll be able to make it through any and all of it, probably due to my practice. My time on my mat is like a science experiment, a sort of litmus test, to see how I'm going to choose to make it through my day and so I hope to always choose what would seem to be the "right" way of approaching any situation, but I know I won't always choose that way. I like challenges a little bit too much hahaha! But within these challenges I'll still be steadfast and solid in knowing that it's just another part of my path unfolding...

Rebellion...

So I just read a friend of mine's blog he wrote about how spiritual seeker are the ultimate rebels. I'd never thought of it like that but then I started thinking, I ate dinner, I showered, I meditated and then I sat down to write this.

I've never felt like I fit in anywhere, when I was young the only thing I knew was school, church and playing in the neighborhood. That may be simplifying it a bit, but that's okay for the purposes here.

I always thought there was something more, I was never satisfied with what was. Now as someone who practices yoga and hears be present more often than not that sounds like a sacrilege but it's not really, I've written much about my studies with my teacher and with Abraham who say to make peace with what is but to ever be moving forward, so won't go into that more here. I was searching, seeking and innately knew that there was more than what I was being taught, in school, in church, in the neighborhood. I always wanted to travel different places and often did in my mind. I even now know that that was why I read comics so much, because there were grander realities than what I was experiencing and through these stories I grew up with I could experience such things.

I'd read the Avengers of which Thor was a member, so when I found out he had his own comic I started reading it. It was interesting to me that he was a god and a god of what? Of Thunder? What does that mean?!? I'd only ever heard of this God we had been taught about in the church, from the bible and so started my slow realization that mine was not the only religion on the planet and most of them were thousands of years older than mine. So through his comic and his exploits in Asgard and the Nine Realms I found a comic called Valkyrie, whom was also of this Norse universe and kept that magical idea that there was more going within my young heart and mind. Then in 1980 was it, or 81 maybe, the original Clash of the Titans came out and what?!? There are even more religions that believe in multiple "gods" but these are different gods, not the Norse ones I'd been reading about, they are Greek ones? So I began an in depth study of Greek mythology and found it rich and crazy and wonderful and fulfilling.

So then I happened to see Terms of Endearment starring Shirley Maclaine, who also won the Oscar for her performance and endeared me to her because it was the first movie that pulled emotion from me. I cried and I'd never done that before. That was in 1983 I believe, but forward to 1986 and she was in a 4 night mini series on tv called Out On A Limb, based on one of her books. I was still endeared to her so watched it. And what was there, was even more belief in things other than what I'd been taught. Channeling, aliens, spirituality as its own path, many things. My brain was bursting from this, so I went and bought the book and read it. I was 16 but in 4th grade had been tested and was already reading collegiate level so had no problem with books heavy with this type of info in them.

So yes, I was rebelling against that. Not to prove it wrong but to enforce within myself that there were other options and I was going to keep going until I found the things that made more sense to me to follow than the things that I was following.

When I got out of school I moved to St. Louis, another form of rebellion since not many from that area ever leave it and for gods sake I'm still only 45 minutes from there, it's not like I went across the country. But damn it, I wanted to, but I was still chicken to do so. So this move was the next best thing. I met all kinds of folks that didn't fit the mold I'd grown up thinking was the only option to fit into, even became a wiccan for a while which kind of spun off of the Norse teachings that I'd read about way back when, so in some ways I was coming full circle, but then as I move forward in life find that there are even more circles to be drawn, not just one!

When I found Ashtanga Yoga 12 years after moving out I knew I'd found the ultimate tool to keep searching, expanding and growing and yes, even rebelling. Not many people here even practice it and at that time there were even less, so loving it in and of itself its a rebellion! It's taught me many things and though I've detoured away from it I came back to it again and embraced it even more so and it's now taken me to the other side of the planet to study it traditionally, and from that tradition I find more and more freedom to question and search for the truth that lives within me at that moment.

Now to tackle the big one, moving away from here. I'm not sure if that will happen, I am happy here, I have great students, great friends, my family is close. I've been teaching here for 13 years so am somewhat established with that, not really, but again, that's another tale. The point being I love it here, but I crave the ocean and I crave the mountains, and I think it's in my cards to live other places in this life. Not sure how long, or where, or when, but at some point this could become a reality for me and I embrace that.

Now the rebel in me opens up his arms and embraces the changes that come, there may be still short times of closing up and not letting in the new things, but they start to destroy you if you don't open up and allow them in, and I'm not ready to be destroyed just yet.

I'm still enjoying being the one who doesn't follow all the rules and who inspires others to not follow them as well. Not to chuck the rules, but to question them and to embrace the idea that there may be a different way to do a thing, not just the one way you knew about. Stir things up within yourself and see what that brings up, new ideas may come to you or a different way to embrace an old one.

In conference with Sharath last season in Mysore he was asked what were his favorite texts to read, meaning Hindu or Yogic scriptures, and he said "the text of you! I am interested to know what you have locked up inside of you, and you should be be too. So do your practice and dig into yourself, see what new ideas and new insight comes from within and stop looking without. All who wrote those texts wrote them from an insight they received from within themselves, from their atman (the god that lives inside you), so go and write your own story!"

I paraphrased that with my own language, but I still love the idea. I am my own book of knowledge, or as one of Shirley Maclaine's teachers had her yelling on the beach in Out On A Limb, much to her dismay at first, "I AM GOD!"

What a powerful belief to have, we are our own little corner of god and no one can take that away from us. Talk about being a rebel, believe in that and see what changes in your life!

Third trip to India

Well, on Friday I will apply to go to Mysore again and further studies with Sharath, more chanting lessons with Ranjini and/or Jayashree, and many other experiences. I am not anxious about it, I feel it will happen, but have chatted with many of my friends from around the globe who are anxious and excited and ready to register already. I am that, I am ready. I love it there and have written about it many, many times, so won't bore you again with that.

The thing that is concerning me is that this year I may not be able to afford the trip. The first trip I took I did a gofundme and made enough to cover the expenses and have a bit for my return home, it worked out well. Last year when I went I went earlier, directly after the summer where I make donations for a large park class I teach and I was on staff for a local teacher training which I had many hours in and so made enough to do the trip on my own and I stayed longer. I ended up having some money stolen and some ripped $100 bills, which are a big no no over there when trying to exchange it, so fell short on cash but had friends and family back home who helped me out with sending funds which was a godsend and I deeply appreciated it.

Upon my return home I quit teaching everywhere I had been teaching and threw all in with a new studio a friend was opening, for fresh blood so to speak. But more so because I wanted to set up a Mysore program and teach this Ashtanga Yoga that I love so much in the traditional way and give it my all. So I am making less money than usual, but have a great core group of individuals who are coming daily and am much more fulfilled by my teaching these days. But also, since I left the studio I was on staff leading the teacher training for I was not allowed to teach that again this year, which was a bigger blow to my income and to the money I could put aside for my impending trip to Mysore this fall, but also the donations at the park have been less than they have in over 5 years this summer, likely due to the state of the economy in St. Louis these days.

Don't get me wrong, I can still eat, pay rent and such so far and this is not a whining about the state of my life post by any means. My life is well and I have no complaints. I'm renting a lovely house, I have some great students and am building a great community with them outside the Mysore room as much as inside it, I'm even seeing someone which I never thought I'd want again but am enjoying it.

But I've come to realize this trip could possibly be a big trip for me and it is important for my growth in my asana practice, more importantly for my spiritual growth, and what I get from my trips I bring back home to my students and eventually hope to start sharing in workshops more and more and not just in St. Louis, but maybe could travel and teach a bit here and there in addition to maintaining the home Mysore program.

So, I have a question. If I were to set up a gofundme account again to help differ the expenses for this upcoming trip how would you feel about it? I'm considering it and almost might not have a choice in the matter if I want to go.

Thank you for reading!

Lately...

New moon

No class today, no practice either, in honor of the new moon which is something we do in the Ashtanga Yoga tradition. I still meditated, did pranayama and chanted my usual morning mantras and the sutras in the afternoon, but no asanas this morning. So because of that and not having to teach I stayed up later last night and then when I awoke this morning I lie in bed much longer than I ever normally would be able to. It was blissful and for these moon days that fall in the middle of the week I am forever thankful!

Now, there is a lot of hoopla going on within the online communities of the Ashtanga method since Sharath changed the rules and said that anyone coming there has to have practiced with an authorized or certified teacher of this system for at least two months prior to being accepted into his classes, and that they also took off the option for you to choose to study with him or with his mother on the online registration form.

There are many differing opinions about this and many of the ones saying the most have not even been to Mysore nor seem to want to go, so I'm not so sure why they would be in such an uproar, and many are also those who are naysayers of Sharath and have been ever since he took over the title of lineage holder from his grandfather. First off, he was the next in line for it and could have refused it, but it was not his choice to be next in line. He did close the shala for some months after Gurujis passing using the time to decide if he wanted to open it up again, and he chose to do so.

I was at first viewing of Mysore Magic (a movie made by students who regularly go to Mysore about going there and interviewing many of those where were there and have been going for some years) a bit upset because he had taken over and was thinking, no, Guruji was the guru, not him. And then I kept practicing and it became clear to me that he was the one to take over, Guruji wanted it, and had worked with him daily for some years to groom him to be the next in line, his mother even encouraged him to work with Guruji. And he fell in love with it.

Then I realized that if I was going to continue to be serious with this practice since coming back to it in 2012, that I'd have to go over there, there was no other way and when I met Sharath and heard him speak in conference with such passion and love for the system, and for the students and for the teachers whom he and Guruji had authorized to teach it I knew he was my teacher and fully accepted him into my heart.

So he's practicing and gleaning insights from this, this is what we all want to happen correct? And then he's sharing these insights with us weekly in conference and trying to keep the system as pure as possible in the wake of astounding numbers of people trying to come over there now, numbers triple or more of what was coming when Guruji was alive, so the decisions he's making seem to be upsetting to some, but it also seems like he's supporting his teachers with this latest one by requiring newbies to have studied with them first and that is great.

I'm excited to go back this fall and to see him and to work through this system once again in it's place of origin, and to be with all those I know from around the world and the locals that I've grown to love and appreciate as friends and family. I'm excited that this continued on after Pattabhi's death and I got the chance to go, because when I was originally going to go I was too chicken and never did it back in 2001 and after.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, just laying out some thoughts so that I don't have them polluting my mind anymore really. So, talk to you again soon!