Being a yogi...

So a relatively new Facebook friend, not someone I've ever met, but an Indian guy who practices and teaches yoga in India has a quote of his one on a meme on his page and I read it and it's been making me think a lot this week. The quote is this:

"Being a human is our priority but not last. Being yogi is next level." Abishek Singh, I did add the quotations and the capital letters at the beginning of the two sentences, I am trying to not add the other words and punctuations we would put in English to leave it as close to the original as possible.

So, when I began my practice of Ashtanga Yoga I was immediately interested in the philosophy and started reading everything I could find about it, I didn't know anyone in the area who would be a "yogi" really to study that stuff with and Pattabhi always said 99% practice, 1% theory so I left it at that and just read the books I could find on the subject.

Every last one of them pointed to the fact that taking the path of yoga was taking an elevated path. You were no longer included in the human animal species, you had become something more. And were working toward achieving a higher intellect, a higher level of devotion and a diamond like body, a body in the best shape it can be to support the future work you'd be entailing with yourself or others in order to achieve this state of yoga.

So I practiced heartily with this in mind, I found myself happy, even anxious some days to be able to get up and embark on my asana practice and the rest of the day to live and be more than I'd been before. At this point I should say I was off on my own in a small town near to St. Louis and was driving to St Louis once a week to learn further in the primary series but was not involved in the greater St Louis yoga community at all, didn't even know if there was one.

I was teaching like this for a few years, after having practiced with Pattabhi on his tours and with Nancy Gilgoff on Maui and a few others here and there. Each of which trip just excited me more to practice.

Then I got tired of mostly practicing alone and teaching myself the sequence, hurting myself and whatever I was doing. Living this life, so I gave in and quit Ashtanga mostly. I would practice the sequence periodically but it was not my focus anymore.

I began my study of Kundalini and Anusara in depth, and mostly enjoyed them. But the focus on them, or at least Anusara, was more about being your regular human self but adding the yoga in. The Kundalini did focus on the diamond version of the self being achieved so I included it in a "real" yoga practice, just as I had the Ashtanga. But in this thinking, as it permeated me more and more, I began to embrace, "oh, I'm just a human. No need to be special, just be more aware than the average Joe..." And so I became that.

And here I am years later, having taken up Ashtanga again, gone to India enough that I'm now authorised through that system and mostly living in India but traveling to teach in Germany often also. And as I received the authorisation I remembered something deep inside, but couldn't' name it. But I felt this thing like, oh, I've achieved this thing deeper within that I wanted for so long but forgot about, and yet I still couldn't name it. It wasn't the authorisation, but what was it?!?

Then I read this guys quote and I totally remembered how I'd felt practicing before and the goal, if it was one, is to be super human. Better I guess, for lack of a better word, than just the average other human. But a yogi.

The scriptures also say that he who names himself a yogi is the furthest thing from it. It is known by your actions, by you living your life and others noticing these qualities, not by you saying, oh here I am, the yogi, or the guru, or whatever these people are naming themselves lately.

I felt immediately reinvigorated towards my practice and towards my lifestyle as an aspiring yogi, or yogic type person at least hahahaha. So I hope he reads this, maybe I'll send it to him in a private message.

Yes we are just humans, but we can also aspire to be so much more. One thing I always appreciated about Yogi Bhajan and the teachings of Kundalini Yoga was that he really wanted you to use the teachings to realize the divinity within you and bring it to the surface, he said that a teacher should aspire to make his/her students even better than they are themselves. I love this, it takes the ego down a notch. Yes, I have practiced and studied for almost 18 years now. On February 7th I began practicing yoga in St Louis, on March 1 I began an 8 week Intro to Ashtanga series, once a week on Thursdays at 4:30pm, I even left work early for it. But even though I've been practicing so long, I still have much to learn, and in the sharing of this practice I aim to show the students everything I know and help them to become the best they can be and yes, even if that means they become "better" than me. What is better than me? God, who knows. I do my best, hopefully they do too and will keeping in the future doing so.

Are you striving to be better than human with your yoga? Or the best version of yourself that you can be? Or at least to feel better than you felt the other day, or even an hour before the class? Either of these things are all valid and great goals and will lead you to that place and maybe then you'll feel like yes, I'm doing this and it's making me more. More what? More than you ever were before, that's about all we can ask, right?

Instagram...

Well, maybe I should call this post social media, it's not only about Instagram. But Instagram seems to be the more widely used choice these days and I'd written an entry based on the fact that Sharath had blocked me on Instagram and I didn't know why, so maybe that is where my mind is when I think of social media. Who knows.

BTW, I wrote to Sharath and he unblocked me. He didn't write a response in words but that was enough of a response for me and I feel the matter is dealt with. But on to what I really sat down to write about.

I remember when Facebook came out my friend from Europe was staying with me and my roommates and had urged me to get it. I was like, no way, life is distracting enough, blah, blah, blah. But then during her visit I was more aware how nice it was to have daily access to her and converse, so I thought okay, I can do this and have a free way to communicate with her and other friends around the globe once I find them on there. At the time mind you I only had about 3-5 people I knew in other places besides the US.

So I got it and the rest is history. Now I find myself using it as a platform for speaking about topics I feel interesting or important, I post my blog entries there. I do use it to communicate with so many friends from all corners of the globe that I now do have a lot more of and most of whom I met in Mysore. But also, there is the addiction quality of it, which no one tells you about.

I'm good not looking at it for long periods of time, no problem, but then once I do pull out the phone, boom, there I am going through and through and through. I don't often scroll through my feed, but I see who commented on a post and I go and respond, or a see someone replied to a comment I made and I go see what they said, and oftentimes that leads you to another place, to another page, to another article, to another post and before you know it, three hours have gone by and you've done nothing but be looking at your phone or laptop. I don't find myself doing this too often these days because I'm trying to be fully aware of it when I get online.

Sharath spoke in conference this morning in Mysore about why do you care or follow people on social media who you don't even know. Now, there was a much greater thing he was speaking to but this line stuck in my head (no I'm not there but I do know about 60% of the people there right now, so I heard). Why do I? So when I read that I pulled out my phone, looked at my Instagram feed and then it was mostly all people I've met in person with a couple that are Ashtangis who also follow me and I checked their accounts, liked what I saw and so followed them as well. But for the most part I don't follow a lot of people I don't know. That reminds me of a little story of a friend who I had pulled up my Instagram account to show them a picture and when the feed opened it was muscly naked guy who happened to be a porn star. They saw it, assumed that me being a gay man found him hot and followed him just to see such things periodically. And that is just fine as well if I had done that because I am a human being who does enjoy seeing other human males naked from time to time, but not the point of this. She commented about how hot he was and some other such drivel, and I commented that yes, he's a really nice guy, and blah, blah, blah. She was surprised that I thought this and asked how I knew but I actually knew this person and told her so. So, I don't often follow too many people I don't know, or do I and just don't see it in my feed that often? Maybe, who knows. Does it matter? back to the conversation...

Instagram is a little bit easier to not scroll through so much because its mostly pictures, and sometimes I enjoy looking at them because I love the art of photography but often I'm more drawn in by words. The problem with that is that now many people are making beautiful long posts with their pics on Instagram, so then I look, like the pic, see what the words are saying and then if I'm moved I keep reading. BTW again, how on earth can you people stand to type so much on your phones like this?!? It drives me mad to one finger type on my phone and when it's a long post it seems to take forever, I just made one so was doing just that and it's not even that long, but I was thoroughly frustrated after. But then maybe you all are using more fingers? My fingers are fat and will hit tons of incorrect letters if I use more than one, so I'll assume that's what you're doing possibly.

I'm also not one of those people who like to post lots of pics of them doing asanas, or moving through vinyasa or anything, but because I see so much of that on there I'm drawn to video myself or take pics of myself in my practice to see how I look as I'm doing them. But often I forget because I get into my practice and am absorbed in the focus of it. Which leads me to my thoughts right this moment. Maybe I have to set it up later in the day when I've not eaten and then shoot them to see how they look or how my movement flows or my breath sounds, or whatever. Is that what you all do? I'm never as open during the day as I am during my practice so that takes me back to the first point, I should do it then I guess.

But also I practice naked, yes I do. Maybe you don't care about this but many when they find out are horrified, especially men who seem to think I'm likely to hurt my balls. I have practiced nude since I started, less laundry, the rug soaks up the sweat if there is any (here in Germany its cold and I'm barely sweating) and its much easier to wash the one rug weekly than a load of laundry that is just worn for asana practice each morning. But it also just feels much better to me. I'm able to feel me, from the inside out. My spirit, my body, my breath, my thoughts, my skin even. With shorts on I'm always feeling them and what they are squeezing, or where they're cutting into me, or what have you. I like my focus to be internal and for some reason practicing naked allows for this with me. But maybe its okay for me to be posting nude pics as well, another friend does so and writes about why he does beautifully and often has a very good point to be made. So maybe if I have a great feeling to get across and a pic of me practicing or in a posture, clothed or unclothed, happens to go along with that I'll start posting more of my practice. Hmmmm...

I am being drawn to do some more physically focused things these days. So I'm walking more, even out in the cold which I DO NOT love, but getting out and around has always been my way. Maybe some swimming would be great if I had access, some tree climbing, some random asana pics in a location that I find visually and energetically appealing and stimulating. Maybe more, but let's see. I return to India soon and it's warmer there, we'll see what I feel like doing once I'm back.

Again, I diverge. I'm not a great one for keeping a theme in a blog, I start out thinking about that thing but am very much a stream of conciseness writer and thinker. Hell, I'm live my life in the stream of consciousness, I go with the flow of whatever energy comes up and moves me to. So, I'll not worry about keeping to Instagram, or social media, or maybe I will. Now that I've thought of it again, I've thought of some last thoughts I may like to share.

Is it bad to be so into social media? Many of my friends, well, not many. But some of the ones who I consider most close to me, whose opinions I like to hear, have been giving me shit. One particularly for the amount of stuff I post, and the other for the dramatic content of what I post or comment on others posts. So is it bad? Maybe but I use everything in my life as a tool to move towards greater and greater realisation of self, self awareness, consciousness, clarity, truth, being... Whatever you'd like to label it. I use it as a catharsis also. When I write and I get responses back from people who've read it and it resonated, or even if they read it and didn't agree at all but it started a discussion between us or with some others, or even if they just liked it and sometimes shared it, then I feel this deep cathartic feeling. Oh, then I'm not alone. I know I'm not alone, and I always feel good as long as I tend to my connection with source, but it's still nice because I feel each of us is a mirror of what's going on within one another and that acknowledgment from them tells you that oh, there is another one I'm connected with, or we're connected in similar ways in our separate lives, or something like that.

As my last week here in Frankfurt is just beginning I've been getting feedback from many of the students, I've also been getting feedback from the students and other teachers in Köln where I spent five months teaching last year, and it's telling me I'm doing something right. So I'm not here judging myself too harshly for being addicted to social media in the small way that I am. I'm here to acknowledge that to me it's yet another way to facilitate connection, within myself and within the students I have the privilege of teaching right now and over the whole course of my time getting to share this practice and the other practices that I'd studied at one point and then turned around and taught.

I'm not patting myself on the back in saying that, but I am acknowledging that in saying the students have given me positive feedback has told me I've stuck to my major goal. To always dig in deep to my yoga, to my asana practice, but also to my internal awareness, to the studying of scriptures that I find fascinating, to the ideas or stories of different gods that I find interesting, to just about anything that takes my awareness back inside to my path. And through that cultivation within I'm able to express more without as I walk around the Mysore room, or lead the led class on Fridays, or just have a great conversation with a student after class, or after the couple conferences I've done here that have stirred up questions with the students. My approach seems different to many of them, I'm not sure why, but maybe I'll ask and see what they have to say.

But that's all I've got for now, thanks for reading and have a great Saturday!

Spiritual bowel movement...?

Yes, I've written about moving forward, letting go, surrendering, about a million times but it always seems there are new levels of it to go through. And this week I was having a lot of trouble with my body, not only during my practice but all day long. It was affecting my mind a lot too, of course because they are connected intimately, but my nervous system seemed to be overloaded.

I was having a lot of pain in my hands, I was saying wrists, but it wasn't my wrists, it was my hands. The heel of one hand and the middle of the other. I looked up hands in Louise Hays Heal Your Body book and of course it was about holding on too tight, grasping, not allowing things to flow. And my elbows had bothered me the week before, so I also looked them up, they are about embracing change in life, switching directions with ease. That type of thing, so yet again I was in a place of not allowing myself to go with the flow.

It seems that it's harder for me to do here in the cold than in India in the warmth. Well, not just India, but anywhere int he warmth. Cold causes contraction, and therefore when one contracts things get caught up in there and they become an issue, not just a thought pattern anymore. And I've definitely been doing this these past few weeks for sure. Why?

Well, I just decided I'm really tired of always trying to figure shit out, so I'm just going to say fuck it, I don't care, and do my best to let it go and boom. I felt a lot of pressure the last two days. Not pressure physically, but pressure, maybe of spirit if that's possible? Like coal being squeezed into a diamond. And this morning I woke up to practice only primary series since its Friday after not sleeping very many hours last night, but the sleep I did get was very deep. And it transformed me! I felt more at ease and relaxed in my body. I even felt great teaching the led class this morning and everyone knows how I feel about led class, taking them and leading them hahahaha, but no, I enjoyed it and it was smooth and flowed very well. Even my morning taking a couple trains to get breakfast, since the local underground is closed for a week, was easy and they were both just there when I walked up and one there to take me back to Starbucks.

Funny how often we can cut ourselves off from that flow isn't it? Why do we do it? I believe we get caught up in our thoughts and create a whole story around them, so that creates a blockage of energy flow which of course begats more and more stoppage, so less and less flow! Not where we're meant to be as humans. Or as anything that is made up of energy and space particles.

We get so identified with one aspect of a thing that we forget it's so much more, ourselves included. Well, I'm going to do my best to not do that anymore.

Around the same time I had this breakthrough, I also had another one, yesterday as a matter of fact, but I can't really write about that one yet since I have some people to discuss it with before I make it public knowledge. Trust me, it's not a big thing for you, it only really affects me and a few others. So, enough about that.

But suffice it to say there has been movement this week, and you know how it feels when you've been constipated for a month, you just want to go out and tell everyone, hey I just took a humongous shit!!! lol

Ok, now that I've talked about shit. Off to get a dosa and some idly maybe, sending you love!

Destruction...

Most people when they think of destroying things they think of it in a bad way. Maybe that's just a Western way of thinking about it, I don't know. But when you encounter India they worship more than a few gods who are known for destruction.

You can say well why would that be? And then the answer would be many things, depending on who you talk to. One way I found to look at it that I heard a while back but probably didn't understand until recently is that it's the destruction of the things that are no longer serving you. You could say your old habits or patterns, old parts of yourself (mental ideas, not physical parts, or are they the same thing?!?).

There are so many ways to look at it. But since my main source of inspiration and energy, or who I worship if you will, is Kali and Shiva, both known for destroying or tranforming things, I embrace this energy as a daily part of my life. And that can seem good or bad depending on how one looks at it.

I see it as good, it keeps the old stuff cleaned out and allows space for the new stuff all the time. Even if I keep old things, such as thoughts or memories or maybe even friendships/relationships, it allows for me to constantly grow and look at them in new ways and from new angles. Seeing new energy or the old patterns in it that needs to be allowed to move on therefor allowing new energy to flow in is a big part of my life.

I am often told as I was today by a student, that what I bring to the table is the ability to shake things up and when stirring the pot you allow the chaff to float to the surface and then skim it off. So then this would be why my student base was never terribly high. I constantly am sifting through for the gold pieces, rather than cultivating the fools gold and trying to sell it as real gold. Metaphorically, of course. So if you don't understand what I'm saying here you have to ask in person, I'll explain better then.

I can't wait to set up my own Mysore program where I feel I can completely be as me as possible and just teach and let people come who will, see if they're commitment friendly and go forward with them, helping them grow and change as I grow and change or leave if they cannot handle it and not be mean but be supportive that they will find what they need out there and save that space for more of the ones who are ready for transformation.

Maybe we are always meant to be tranforming ourselves, never sticking in one place. Always a glob of energy morphing and shifting between colors, shapes, sizes, thickness, thinness, clothing, lack of clothing... Always being stuck back into the washing machine to be cleaned again the next morning, and then again and again, getting cleaner and cleaner in different ways, or dirtier in new ways and finding the balance between the dirt and grime and cleaning it up too often or not.

God, where am I going here. I have a lot of thoughts here and they are not bad or good, but I think you get the point? If you don't that's okay too, but if you do give me a holler, let me know how you embrace or embody this in your life, or maybe you don't. Let's talk about it, I'm interested...

1/1/18...

What are we looking for? Do we even know?

To me it seems we are looking for meaning, but what is meaning for one is something else for another. So it's individual. There is not one GREAT meaning for all of us and we somehow have to see how our perspective can fit into it.

But another thing, does the one meaning we figure out also stipulate that each time that same meaning applies? I think not. It will changed with each situation and with each person as they grow and evolve and as their conceptions of things grows and evolves, so then a new level of meaning seems to be needed.

But maybe not, maybe it's just that we need to feel connection. To me connection is the key word. Or another word I've been using a lot lately is integration. Integration seems like a good word equivalent for yoga. Yoga mean union, union would denote integrating all ideas of self and "others" into our own being, and that is a constant process. Consistently adapting our new thoughts and inspirations into a concept that we can understand and move forward within that, as we think we need to.

I just wrote the word think, and many of you who talk to me often know I don't like the idea of thinking. I like the idea of feeling how we feel about our thoughts, that is the way to move forward and to keep following the path. The path that is not just one path, but is a constantly evolving road of miasma sometimes, sometimes sunshine and clear streams, and sometimes just a blank field because we can no clue or inspiration leading us in any direction. That is what I would call a state of disconnection, and yes, we all have them including me. I've had a lot of them lately. But it seems that tide is turning.

Lately I've had one week on, one week off for some reason. I like to always be connected, inspired and full of spirit. I often feel this way when I'm home in Mysore, but other places I'm not so good at maintaining that. Why is that? Is it because I start to let others opinions start to affect me? I'm a good for telling people that no one's opinion matters in your life, unless you deem that it does. Then it can have a big effect on everything.

I usually am great at not going there with my mind. Letting others hold real estate in it. But sometimes am I susceptible to it? Probably. Most likely. Yes.. hahahaha!

But really, I love you and so I'll listen to what you have to say, but in the end my connection is the only thing that matters and that I have control over, so I have to make decisions that keep me in it, or deepen it, or get me back to it if I get thrown off of it.

When I'm in a place of real and deep connection I can better serve you, as a friend, as a teacher, as a confidant. Just in general. So it may seem selfish, and in western terms it certainly is, but it's definitely a better place for all when I'm there, or you're there. If you can lead by inspiration, what more can you possibly want?!? That is the best.

Anyhow, that is all I wanted to say. Hope this next stage in life is one you'll take control of and keep your own best interest at the forefront of and think of it as a better version of yourself will be available anytime it's needed, or anytime you want to insert yourself into the conversation. It's all good, happy new year!