Time...

I wish I could say I can't believe that 2017 is over, but I can. It seemed like the longest year I've ever lived, and certainly was one of the most different years I've ever lived. I say it seemed because I don't believe time really exists, you can say "oh, this day went so fast..." or "went so slow..." but no, it didn't. It's only your perception of it that makes it seem that way. So time as we think of it is really a relative term.

Even the concept of a year, or of a day, is a man made thing. And is perceived differently in different cultures, some are on 2017 going on 2018, some are in the 5 thousands, some more, some less. And even the new year starts at different times for each place around the planet. If time existed in the way that most of us think it does there would be one time and you would have to adapt to how different it was wherever you went, but it would be the same time no matter what.

This year did seem to go slow for me. I had a lot more free time than I've ever had before, and by that I don't mean I had nothing to do but I spent a lot more time soul searching and working less that I have in years past.

I was in India a lot more this year than usual, and at very different times than usual. I also did not return to the US as was normal for me in between India trips, which has proved to be just fine but always allowed for a reset. The problem is that the reset was always backwards, to a place that I had already been inside. And to not go back there allowed for forward growth without the falling back part that often happens, you know two steps forward, one step back.

Why do I say that? Because as I would go back to the midwest I often fell back into old patterns that were not longer serving me, and even when there I would be conscious that I was doing so but didn't really have any context to not go back there, because there you were a certain way. Ideally this wouldn't be the case, you could grow, change and become more and maintain that wherever and whenever you were. Easier said than done.

Now I'm noticing that I feel like I've integrated more and more of the stuff that I've been working on for years. Where before it would get thrown out the window or lessened in some way because the old pattern was like, oh, wait, this is my spot. Who is this guy? And why does he deserve to be here more than me? I earned this spot!

So it's been good. Even though much of the year seemed full of hardship, the things I learned and was able to integrate have been wonderful. I was able to deepen many friendships that I'd begun in Mysore by being there all summer and not being in the student mode. Just being in the life mode. I also was able to be in one city in Germany and go back again and deepen the relationships I'd started there, and now in another city in Germany and beginning a whole process of connection with a different student base.

But the biggest connection that happened this year was with myself. I found out more and more about what others think of me, and realized that was far from what I thought of myself. I experience me from the inside all day long every day, but to hear how an "outside" source feels and its better then your "inside" source, hmmmm. And if the outside source is really a mirroring of the way you actually feel, then that would determine to me that there is a bit of resistance still within that needs integration.

So many posts I wrote on my Ashtanga Yoga with Sat Inder page on Facebook utilised the word integration these past two weeks, and here it has already popped up twice. So maybe there is a theme here that I need to explore more. Not really explore, but implore? Is that the right word? Probably not, but you get what I mean? I mean I think I've done all the work to integrate but maybe I'm not actually allowing integration to happen. And it's not something one can force, it's something one has to allow to happen, with consciousness.

So my work in this upcoming new year, which is actually just another sun/moon cycle, or a day as you'd call it, is to allow more integration. Integration of what? Integration of the concepts I've come across, of the inner work I've done, of the outer perspective I've cultivated, of the emotional outcomes of things, of the inner emotions that are not quite all worked through just yet, of all of it.

Yoga mean union, union with the divine it is often translated as actually. But union to me means all is one, all is swirling, floating, flowing around each other seemingly until it becomes one. Like mixing ingredients, the dry and the wet, until they all become something in the middle. Batter if you will. Integration of all the aspects of self that have been made conscious slowly over these past 18 years, and some years before that of waking up to those ideas even so that a process could even start to unfold.

Let it all come together to make a new batter, or an old batter, or if time really doesn't exist just batter. A batter that can be folded into a new form as needed, to a new shape as needed. Things added to create a new flavour as needed. Some removed and more water added to allow for a smoother, runnier consistency. Some more dry ingredients added to make for a thicker, and more formable consistency. Whatever you want. You create it. And you create it in each moment so it will be changing, becoming something new, something other than it was before, or something more close to what it used to be if needed, there is no limit. Well, there is a limit. The one you create.

Sometimes we need limits, they help us. Guidelines if you will. Sometimes we need to be completely free and allowed to flow. I'm feeling a lot of the limits I've set for myself these past few years, and feeling the need to allow them to dissipate. Or to again use this word, to integrate them and realise they aren't needed anymore, or right now. And if I need them I can again set them in place, and if not, I can allow the flow to happen.

It can change and move and be something different all the time, and this is okay. Coming to allow the knowledge to become the wisdom that this is okay is integration. I won't always stay integrated, but maybe now, for just a moment, I am nearest to it than I have been in a while. Or not. Who knows. Not me. Do you?