Leaving...

I know I've been whining a lot about leaving Mysore lately, on my Facebook and in person if you've seen me around town. I've left here two trips back where I was so distraught about leaving and that summer at home was when I decided to live in India only. And by chance, I vomited all the way to the airport, I can refer you to my friend Katie if you want to hear about that cab trip lol...

But this time has been worse. I've been feeling emotional beyond anything I've felt in my life, even yesterday I was getting a sore throat and ended up with a fever, this morning I went to breakfast with some friends then to a temple and one of them and I decided to go up Chamundi Hill, and so we did. I hit my head just before coming back down, so hard that I almost passed out and believe I got a mild concussion of sorts, god I'm a mess, I came home after and could only sleep for some hours. Now I'm a bit better.

But the better part of that journey up the hill was that as we were rounding the corner just before you reach the parking area near the top I saw a random temple, well, not really random but I'd never noticed it before and was drawn to stop and see it. We went inside, Shiva lingam, goddess and Vishnu, all in one. The lady was talking to my friend and telling him how devotional the Westerners are who come, they gave up prasad and talked to us for a long time and they loved that I live here and said I must be connected to the goddess or I wouldn't have seen their little temple and come, and they are very right on that front.

This time here I've discovered a deeper level of connection to the goddess, to that energy really, than ever before in my life. I've discovered that its a very pervasive energy here in Mysore, the town itself is named after the asura Mahisasura, whom the goddess herself defeated here on Chamundi Hill and so she is strongly worshipped here. But since I've been doing some major tantric poojas to Kali that I've found I am building an energy that is palpable and many are able to see and feel it and bring it up to me on the street, much like the lady this morning. She could see that around me, like the lady I wrote about on a Facebook status who gave my friend flowers from his patron deity and me from Chamundi, without knowing for sure, only from reading our energy. It's lovely and this I will miss.

I think these evening poojas I've been doing have brought this strongly but also the little family Kali temple I found which has such strong energy, and the Adi Shakti temple I found that also has such strong energy. So I'm energetically in a good place to leave, strong, full and at peace. So why then am I so delicate around leaving? Why is it eating me alive from the inside out?

I am going to a place where I know the students and love teaching them, I love teaching anyway, but these I know so its even better. It will be cold and that is not something I want to deal with but its not going to be as cold as it is back home during the winter, so I think I'll survive. I did last winter after all and was in the same town even. Hmmm...

I'm not typically a delicate person, but maybe since I'm embracing emotion at the level that I am these days it's affecting me more? In the things I've read mostly they say if you invoke the feeling then it brings more to the plate and you get more benefits, so I am, and I am getting more benefits. Maybe this level of awareness is just a side effect and I need to adjust to it, possibly.

I think being here during a time that many friends are here and all will be practicing with Sharath, except me, would be harder to deal with so the alternative of staying doesn't seem so good either. I'll figure it out, I just wanted to acknowledge it by writing about it and see if that stimulated something, so now I've done that.

I'll be back most likely after my stint in Frankfurt and travel a bit, maybe visiting Mysore just at the end of the month and can see my friends, and then go to Gokarna from here and a couple other places before heading to the north and checking out teaching up there. All of it will come together, I just need to let it, not try to figure it out and kind of really, get out of my own way and allow it to flow. Something I'm usually good at, so maybe this resistance in my body is coming from that, probably so.

Anyway, enjoy yourself, I'll write some once I'm settled in Germany and see how the wifi is, talk to you soon...