Frustration...

I've made a lot of posts lately that feel like they were fueled from extreme emotions, and maybe they're not as extreme as I think they are, it's just that I'm so much more sensitive to emotion in general lately that makes them feel bigger. And I tend to be a dramatic person, yes, I do know this about myself.

This whole summer in India has been a deep time of self discovery for me. Granted most would say that these last almost 18 years seems to have been that, since my yoga journey began, so what more is there to discover?!? Well, it would seem a lot. It seems that we are never done figuring shit out, letting go of old patterns, creating new ones, integrating the new space into our being, and so much more. So why frustrated then?

Well, I've figured a lot out about myself and often in the past once I did that new opportunities seemed to be rolling in. And yes, there are new opportunities coming at me right now, but none of them are what I want. I even keep thinking about going back to the US to either my old city and beginning anew there, or to a new city and taking over a Mysore program that maybe needs a new authorised teacher as the old one leaves, or establishing a new one in a new city. Or I could do this in another country or on another continent.

But I really want to do this in India, I'm not sure why, but I know that at midnight tonight I awakened for some reason and the thought processes were so strong that I've not been able to go back to sleep, so I decided to write so I could work through some of this and maybe salvage the rest of the night with some fitful rest.

Money is a big issue right now, it's not coming in and it's neither staying with me when it does come it. There seems to be a never-ending request for larger amounts of funds here in Gokulam than in most other areas of India. And I've typically been very good at manifesting funding for almost everything I've wanted, but in this state of frustration the universe just doesn't seem to want to yield or it finds things the money needs to be spent on more quickly than I would have expected.

I'm also missing teaching and want to get back to it right away, and I will be in a few weeks in Germany doing just that, but that's for one month. I'm in talks to teach in another town as well but nothing seems to be coming together quickly enough so that an outline can be made. I say outline because I'm very used to things changing within the framework that has been laid out, but lately I can't even get the framework to stick. That is a big frustration, especially since I really just want to be able to travel a little bit and figure out where I want to establish my base, and then do just that.

But then the feeling that I'd love to just live in Mysore and teach here keeps coming up, a friend even told me the other day that I should cancel everything and do just that. If I have faith in it then the universe will yield results. This I do know to be true, so where is my faith lately? Why have I not followed my heart completely? This is something I've been doing for years since I became aware of the Law of Attraction, so why am I not able to just let go and do it now ?Hmmm...

Why indeed. I wish I had an answer for that. I seem to be full of faith and wonder with the deeper way my spiritual/religious life has taken. I really am enjoying being a more devoted Kali worshipper, feeling more open, more peaceful inside, but also more like I just want to join an ashram and go be a monk. Of course I love teaching Ashtanga and want that to also be a part of my life, and do enjoy living in the world a bit too much to be monk, and yet there they both are. Desires that seem to be moving in opposing directions. Hmmm, have I stumbled upon my very issue?!? Maybe pulling out the laptop and letting myself just pound away at the keys has yielded results!

So now, more to think about... hahahaha. Or really, feel about. I need to take these few days and be with myself more fully. See how I feel when I'm thinking and then follow what direction that leads me in, one of those two options above does feel better than the other one, but which one? I'll figure it out.

Thanks for reading, this blogging process really does help me. Knowing that you read it or not doesn't really matter one way or the way as far as my personal processing goes, but I do get messages or have people stop me on the street and tell me how something has helped them, so I really do appreciate that it can be not just me ranting to myself but that there is a bigger thing possibly going on here.

Namaste...