Leaving...

I know I've been whining a lot about leaving Mysore lately, on my Facebook and in person if you've seen me around town. I've left here two trips back where I was so distraught about leaving and that summer at home was when I decided to live in India only. And by chance, I vomited all the way to the airport, I can refer you to my friend Katie if you want to hear about that cab trip lol...

But this time has been worse. I've been feeling emotional beyond anything I've felt in my life, even yesterday I was getting a sore throat and ended up with a fever, this morning I went to breakfast with some friends then to a temple and one of them and I decided to go up Chamundi Hill, and so we did. I hit my head just before coming back down, so hard that I almost passed out and believe I got a mild concussion of sorts, god I'm a mess, I came home after and could only sleep for some hours. Now I'm a bit better.

But the better part of that journey up the hill was that as we were rounding the corner just before you reach the parking area near the top I saw a random temple, well, not really random but I'd never noticed it before and was drawn to stop and see it. We went inside, Shiva lingam, goddess and Vishnu, all in one. The lady was talking to my friend and telling him how devotional the Westerners are who come, they gave up prasad and talked to us for a long time and they loved that I live here and said I must be connected to the goddess or I wouldn't have seen their little temple and come, and they are very right on that front.

This time here I've discovered a deeper level of connection to the goddess, to that energy really, than ever before in my life. I've discovered that its a very pervasive energy here in Mysore, the town itself is named after the asura Mahisasura, whom the goddess herself defeated here on Chamundi Hill and so she is strongly worshipped here. But since I've been doing some major tantric poojas to Kali that I've found I am building an energy that is palpable and many are able to see and feel it and bring it up to me on the street, much like the lady this morning. She could see that around me, like the lady I wrote about on a Facebook status who gave my friend flowers from his patron deity and me from Chamundi, without knowing for sure, only from reading our energy. It's lovely and this I will miss.

I think these evening poojas I've been doing have brought this strongly but also the little family Kali temple I found which has such strong energy, and the Adi Shakti temple I found that also has such strong energy. So I'm energetically in a good place to leave, strong, full and at peace. So why then am I so delicate around leaving? Why is it eating me alive from the inside out?

I am going to a place where I know the students and love teaching them, I love teaching anyway, but these I know so its even better. It will be cold and that is not something I want to deal with but its not going to be as cold as it is back home during the winter, so I think I'll survive. I did last winter after all and was in the same town even. Hmmm...

I'm not typically a delicate person, but maybe since I'm embracing emotion at the level that I am these days it's affecting me more? In the things I've read mostly they say if you invoke the feeling then it brings more to the plate and you get more benefits, so I am, and I am getting more benefits. Maybe this level of awareness is just a side effect and I need to adjust to it, possibly.

I think being here during a time that many friends are here and all will be practicing with Sharath, except me, would be harder to deal with so the alternative of staying doesn't seem so good either. I'll figure it out, I just wanted to acknowledge it by writing about it and see if that stimulated something, so now I've done that.

I'll be back most likely after my stint in Frankfurt and travel a bit, maybe visiting Mysore just at the end of the month and can see my friends, and then go to Gokarna from here and a couple other places before heading to the north and checking out teaching up there. All of it will come together, I just need to let it, not try to figure it out and kind of really, get out of my own way and allow it to flow. Something I'm usually good at, so maybe this resistance in my body is coming from that, probably so.

Anyway, enjoy yourself, I'll write some once I'm settled in Germany and see how the wifi is, talk to you soon...

Divali or Deepawali or Diwali or ...

This holiday as many things in India comes from many different standpoints, each state almost has their own interpretation, but within each state different areas celebrate different aspects of it.

In much of the north it's celebrated as the time when Rama came back from his exile in the forest so that he could move off to rescue Sita and destroy the asura Ravana. In some areas of the south Krishna is revered as this time he killed the demon Naraka, and yet in Bengal it's a time they revere Kali for having destroyed the many demons she is renowned for killing.

But the general idea is it's a festival of light, there are stories about why they put lights everywhere as well. All these things including the above stories you can google and find out easily enough. I talk about this type stuff all the time so if you're in my presence I'm sure you'll hear something of them from my interpretation as well, so I'm not going to get into the individual stories although you, if you read my blog regularly or follow my Facebook or Instagram account know which God I follow.

This is about the idea of the light overcoming the dark. I'm not such a big worrier about destroying the dark, without it how would we even know the light was there? It takes contrast to show us these things and without the shadows we would be able to see nothing anyway, so I'm more of the mind that we embrace the dark little corners of our being rather than push and shove to get the light into them, because as one moves the lamp the shadows move into different spots anyway. And often it changes it focus as well as it moves. Different issues tend to stick in different areas of the body and we highlight them when move our focus from one area to another!

The point is we all have darkness, if that is what we need to call it. Or the metaphor is we all have demons, so whether you're Krishna, or Vishnu in any form, Kali or any god or goddess who's killed one, the metaphor is working through ones own issues and coming out the other side with a new understanding. Those understandings can change and deepen as well, they're not guaranteed to stay gone, but usually to change form, so an embracing of them is much more apt to do the job than to try to rid yourself of them completely.

As long as we're in a body we're not likely to rid ourselves of our issues, but if we can learn to work with them or through them then maybe we can be a lighthouse, or lamp, to another as they are just learning that overcoming things is possible.

Happy Divali all! May your light, and your "darkness" be all bound up together! lol

Things...

This morning I slept in a bit, got up and practiced, then showered and did my morning pooja then headed for breakfast. After breakfast I always go to temples, usually not just one depending on which day it is.

I always go do Ganesh first here in Gokulam. It's like my home base because it was my first Hindu temple I'd ever been into. Then I went to the Ramakrishna ashram to meditate during the silent pooja they do there at 9am, I was early so I just meditated, got into a really open place too. This has become a regular part of my day here and one that will be sorely missed when I leave two weeks from tomorrow night.

Then knowing it was Monday I decided to go to the Sri Chandramouleshwara Swamy temple, it's a Shiva temple not too far away and the one I frequented most in the recent years here. They do abishekam on Sundays and Mondays and having gone yesterday I felt that that vibration would be good for me this morning. During the abishekam, which is where they wash the lingam with various substances, there are many priests there sitting on the floor chanting. It's a nice environment to be in and the chanting is very grounding, I used to go to this one back in St Louis so the chants are familiar. It was just what the doctor ordered.

When I left there I noticed its a cooler morning and cloudy again, so a nice morning for a drive since the pollution tends to be not as bad until the evening on days like this. So I drove into the city and ended up going to my favourite Shiva temple built by stone carvers, so there is big life size Nandi in front of it and all the deities carved all around it are amazing, plus it's deeply quiet inside, even when their doing abishekam and chanting. Yes, most Shiva temples do a public abishekam on Mondays since it's the day to venerate him. This one is very different though.

After I finally left there on the way back is this new place I discovered, well, it's not new but it is new to me. Half of it is a Ganapati temple, the other half a Shiva and Chamunda temple, it's all open air and in the back there's a huge peepal tree and Hanuman hidden from the road, it's a complex really and amazing. I just love it. So when I arrived they'd finished their abishekam already and aarti and giving out prasad, the young priest gave everyone a handful of the khesari bath prasad and then told me to wait, and he gave me a full bag of it and then another bag of the kara bath, one is sweet, one is savoury, and when you eat them together at a restaurant they call it chow chow bath. Very good stuff and I got huge helping. After Shiva I went over to worship Chamunda, who is usually known as Durga in most places and Chamunda refers to Kali (as in the Devi Mahatmyam) but she is still the fierce form of the mother and since my Kali temple is not open on Mondays I got as close to her as I could, so the same young priest (a rather hot young man, I know, sorry) saw me over there and came to do aarti with me again with Maa, very nice of him and in many temples they won't bother to do it at all, so I'll enjoy it while I get the special treatment!

I sat inside the temple grounds on the floor, which is customary to absorb the vibration and take it with you into your day, eating a bit of both and when I left there was a beggar there so I offered him the remaining prasadam which he accepted gladly and began eating it as I was getting on my scooter and putting on my helmet to leave.

On the way back to Gokulam I was really feeling full but was also realising that I will be having to find that fullness within from only internal resources soon, since I'm leaving. And I am able to to do this, just was reflecting on it and that it can be harder to do on ones own, but not impossible.

This practice has opened me up to so many possibilities, like these interactions with the locals, that I cherish and always hold dear to my heart. They really do embrace you and are more open to you coming into their system of worship so fully that you begin to feel like you belong here, like you're a native and this really is your life. I've decided it has to be, and more fully. I don't like leaving these things and should not have to, so after this trip my major work will be how to figure out where I'll teach and then to do it and build from there and yet maintain connection to back home. I've been thinking about it a lot, but wouldn't trade being here for the world. Now I just have to figure out how to take this inner world I create with me, or rather not allow the "other" places I'll be going to take this away from me. And I will get closer each time that I go back..

Okay, it's enough. Just wanted to share...

Frustration...

I've made a lot of posts lately that feel like they were fueled from extreme emotions, and maybe they're not as extreme as I think they are, it's just that I'm so much more sensitive to emotion in general lately that makes them feel bigger. And I tend to be a dramatic person, yes, I do know this about myself.

This whole summer in India has been a deep time of self discovery for me. Granted most would say that these last almost 18 years seems to have been that, since my yoga journey began, so what more is there to discover?!? Well, it would seem a lot. It seems that we are never done figuring shit out, letting go of old patterns, creating new ones, integrating the new space into our being, and so much more. So why frustrated then?

Well, I've figured a lot out about myself and often in the past once I did that new opportunities seemed to be rolling in. And yes, there are new opportunities coming at me right now, but none of them are what I want. I even keep thinking about going back to the US to either my old city and beginning anew there, or to a new city and taking over a Mysore program that maybe needs a new authorised teacher as the old one leaves, or establishing a new one in a new city. Or I could do this in another country or on another continent.

But I really want to do this in India, I'm not sure why, but I know that at midnight tonight I awakened for some reason and the thought processes were so strong that I've not been able to go back to sleep, so I decided to write so I could work through some of this and maybe salvage the rest of the night with some fitful rest.

Money is a big issue right now, it's not coming in and it's neither staying with me when it does come it. There seems to be a never-ending request for larger amounts of funds here in Gokulam than in most other areas of India. And I've typically been very good at manifesting funding for almost everything I've wanted, but in this state of frustration the universe just doesn't seem to want to yield or it finds things the money needs to be spent on more quickly than I would have expected.

I'm also missing teaching and want to get back to it right away, and I will be in a few weeks in Germany doing just that, but that's for one month. I'm in talks to teach in another town as well but nothing seems to be coming together quickly enough so that an outline can be made. I say outline because I'm very used to things changing within the framework that has been laid out, but lately I can't even get the framework to stick. That is a big frustration, especially since I really just want to be able to travel a little bit and figure out where I want to establish my base, and then do just that.

But then the feeling that I'd love to just live in Mysore and teach here keeps coming up, a friend even told me the other day that I should cancel everything and do just that. If I have faith in it then the universe will yield results. This I do know to be true, so where is my faith lately? Why have I not followed my heart completely? This is something I've been doing for years since I became aware of the Law of Attraction, so why am I not able to just let go and do it now ?Hmmm...

Why indeed. I wish I had an answer for that. I seem to be full of faith and wonder with the deeper way my spiritual/religious life has taken. I really am enjoying being a more devoted Kali worshipper, feeling more open, more peaceful inside, but also more like I just want to join an ashram and go be a monk. Of course I love teaching Ashtanga and want that to also be a part of my life, and do enjoy living in the world a bit too much to be monk, and yet there they both are. Desires that seem to be moving in opposing directions. Hmmm, have I stumbled upon my very issue?!? Maybe pulling out the laptop and letting myself just pound away at the keys has yielded results!

So now, more to think about... hahahaha. Or really, feel about. I need to take these few days and be with myself more fully. See how I feel when I'm thinking and then follow what direction that leads me in, one of those two options above does feel better than the other one, but which one? I'll figure it out.

Thanks for reading, this blogging process really does help me. Knowing that you read it or not doesn't really matter one way or the way as far as my personal processing goes, but I do get messages or have people stop me on the street and tell me how something has helped them, so I really do appreciate that it can be not just me ranting to myself but that there is a bigger thing possibly going on here.

Namaste...

Surrender...

I've written about surrender many time before but it keeps rearing its ugly head. Especially this trip to Mysore I've had more and more to let go of at levels of being that I never thought possible. And it may seem like I'm being dramatic about this stuff but for me its a real thing, we have much to work through and get around or integrate and embrace in life and this practice keeps showing me those things. Many of them petty things, like today I have to move into the apartment on the roof so I'm not happy about it, it's small and hotter up there, but the house was already rented for this time by a lady and I knew this when I got here. The thing is I wasn't even supposed to still be here in Mysore lol, I meant to be somewhere else teaching already. But it just so happened that I felt the need to stay and so I did.

During this time I've worked on a lot of my inner demons and have made friends with them, so now they are holding on to my personality even just a slight bit less. That is the work and its the work I've been doing all summer. I keep finding more and more of them, and what a better place to be doing it than in Mysuru, the proper name of Mysore. It's named after the asura Mahisasura that was defeated here by the goddess Chamunda (Durga to the general population, Chamunda is another name of Kali, but here they call her this).

Letting go, letting go, letting go. People have asked how much can one let go of? Or how much more can you possibly let go of?!? I am not saying I'm letting go of these things, they are a part of me. But I'm working toward letting go of my attachment to them. That is all I can do. Not allow the things to control my ego and thereby control me.

And that is all I am doing. There were many of these types of things I've worked on or through this summer, but now I'm going to go move my shit upstairs and work on that attachment to the fact that in my mind this is my home, it still is in many ways, but not really. I've just been through a lot of inner stuff here in this particular abode.

Mmmmmm, okay, here I go.

Full moon...

I love going to bed later, not all the time but when I know the next day is a full or new moon and that I do not have to wake up. Obviously I've awakened early for many, many years so its in my body to do so, but at least there is no alarm involved and lying there in bed longer can happen. I still do my morning pooja of chanting and a bit of pranayama, but no asanas.

Also normally the Kali temple I go to is only open Tuesday, Friday and Sunday, Tuesday and Friday being the traditional goddess worship days here in India, in most parts of the country anyway. But it's also open on full moons, so I drove by and saw that it was open having forgotten this and then went to buy a mala of marigolds for her then came back and it was empty so I was able to just sit in there and be able to absorb the energy in the temple, which was nice, especially for a day with no asanas practiced, so immediately my body and mind felt better, more clear, open and peaceful and ready to move into the day. But also not ready to be in the world around a lot of people, so I've been home most of the morning, being contemplative, reading Ramakrishna's biography, reading about the divine feminine in this new book I've got and just being.

Now I'm listening to a podcast where Taylor Hunt is having a conversation with Harmony Slater. Both are friends and people I look up to, but being a goddess worshipper Harmony holds a special place in my heart. She is one of the strongest women I've ever met and super great with her approach to yoga. She also can completely adjust my SI joint in a great way that opens up my body and really since she assisted me in backhanding two seasons ago, almost a year and a half, my back has been really great and more open.

In this podcast she's discussing a lot about India and how magical it is, her experiences with Guruji(Pattabhi) and Sharath and how their energy has helped and changed her life. These are things I've been contemplating now for a few days, really for the last few months that I've been here in Mysore, but more so this week since the moon often brings up my inner ideas for contemplation. So it's nice to feel and hear these things from someone else, especially a strong and powerful woman who makes me think of my chosen God, Kali. Yes Harmony if you read this, I mean it, but thank you for being you!

In thinking of my experiences here in Mysore I have to say oddly there is a magic here that can't exist anywhere else, and maybe its because they have consistently believed in magic for so many thousands of years that the magic is in the soil, is in the air, in the water. Just it's here and hasn't gone anywhere for some time. Do to their belief in a guru/shishya relationship for learning yoga, for learning everything really, including music and Ayurveda and most others things, that magic also can come into your learning if you find a real teacher, a real guru. Not one of the fake ones that seem to be all around the world these days.

I'm lucky to have found this system that is so steeped in this ancient tradition, from Pattabhi to Sharath. Having seen and experienced Pattabhi and his energy in person only a few weeks of time, not months or years as many of my piers had, was special and I'm glad to be able to say I had this as a part of my life. But with Sharath I've received much hands on input, with hands and with his words even more so. His energy is not quite as big as his grandfathers was, but it is heading in that direction. When you're in the room with him and he's looking at you, his eyes just pierce through the back of your skull, or they seem to be burning holes into your very being. Not many people have this and I am grateful for it, and grateful that karmically I've been given this chance to be with him in person, to be living right up the street from him and able to have casual conversations seemingly randomly with him as he's walking and just for him being a part of my life for the past 17 years...

I've talked a lot about this stuff in other blog entries so I don't need to get deep into it. I really on this day of the full moon wanted to express my gratitude for this life, for this practice as it helps me unfold and manifest in my life more fully, for those I've met in Mysore and around the globe and the input they have had even if it was just their presence. Not everyone gets to feel these things but I have, and hope to continue to move deeper into this as my lifestyle and experience more and more, but not just for me, for my students. As I move into this and can bring more to the plate when I'm teaching, wherever that is as this year continues to unfold. I'm excited, and I'm happy.

Thanks, namaste...

Obstacles...

Now, there are probably some better terms for an obstacle that seem more positive, but I don't see the word as negative, so I'm going to use it.

Abraham (of Abraham-Hicks) would call it contrast. I do use this word a lot because often it applies. But since I frequent the Ganesh temple here in Gokulam and he is the remover of obstacles I decided to focus on this word today.

Ganesh is also known as a bit of a trickster as he'll often place the obstacle in your path, so that you are forced to stop and deal with whatever issue is there. Kind of like an old saying I used to hear from the older people in the yoga community in St. Louis, if you have an issue and ignore it, don't worry, it'll get bigger. I feel this is a similar thing.

Life will show you contrast and your job is to acknowledge it and move on around it, not to stay there noticing it all the time. Because then just more and more will come and each time it comes it will seem a bigger issue. But if you embrace it, work through the issue and let go of it once its taken care of, then that thing will likely not visit you again. And if it does that means you didn't really let go of it.

And with this I'm talking about internal things, things in your emotional and psychological being that need to be handled. Not necessarily not paying your bills, or not finding a job and stuff like that. Although those things are often cleared up as well once you take care of the internal work that needs done.

Ganesh is worshipped often times before any other deity, and is often present in most temples even if they are Vaishnava spaces as well. I frequent the one here that is close to my house before I go anywhere else, mostly because it was the first temple I ever went into but also because I love it there, he's often dressed differently, covered in turmeric, covered in bananas, many different things. But also the energy there is nice and I just like the place and I've gotten to know the priests and they are dear to me and gracious each time I come.

The idea is he'll remove the obstacles that exist between you and him, but also between and the deity that presides in said temple. His father Shiva will come in and completely destroy the thing, which can be useful but also I believe may give you less of a chance to deal with the underlying issue, but it can work as well, just depends on what you need. Then Kali is a whole other thing, but I've written plenty about my experiences with her, so you can refer to other entries.

So in a way the obstacles are the path. Without them we would not grow, without coming up against things that no longer was serving us how would we even know that we were ready to move on to a new approach to that thing? I used to believe that once someone was enlightened it meant they no longer had these things, but now I think without them why would they even be here in a body at all? It's just that you get better at observing, so when the thing comes up you see it sooner and some I believe can even just allow it to leave, or let it go in simpler terms, then move on to just being wherever they are at that time. I have noticed I can do this with certain things, but not others, so I'm still just a human lol, not a super human just yet. God, as if...

I'm not saying we should go out and seek out the obstacles, but when they do appear should we be so freaked out by them? Hopefully no, but if we are should we judge ourselves harshly for that? Hopefully no as well.

We're, well maybe I should say I'm because I really can't say why others are engaging in yoga practice. But I am practicing so that I can become more aware, more conscious, be more present with whatever I'm doing, be more understanding because I've been there, be more me and me is really the spirit seeing, hearing and feeling through these lumps of clay and water we call bodies. Be more spirit? Maybe, or maybe just being more aware that we're all spirit and can approach each other this way rather than through only physicality. Isn't this the meaning of namaste anyway?

Do we mean it when we say namaste, or even namaskar as they do in North India? I hope so, but first we have to know the meaning of the words even if we only know it topically, not at a deeper level. I think this week and over the past couple months here I've finally come to understand what it means at a deeper level. Doesn't mean I won't forget and have to remember all over again, but it does mean that maybe next time it will come more quickly.

Namaste...