A Crisis of Faith...

Okay, a crisis of faith might be a bit dramatic for what I'm going through, but if you know me at all you know I can be a bit dramatic from time to time.

Also, why in the hell am I writing so much?!? A friend complimented that I keep up with my blog so well and I said well usually I'm very uninspired and only write once a month if that, but for whatever reason this trip is showing all of the things I need to work on and rather than holding them in (even though I am internally processing them) I'm writing about them and hopefully they help others going through similar emotional release.

I'm also tired of talking about how emotional I am this trip! Hopefully it all starts moving through and I can get some clarity and let go.

Saturday after I was moved to walk home and practice instead of push and shove my way into the shala to vie for a spot that was then going to be cramped and tight to move in. I had a great practice, but I also thought a lot about the fact that I'm not here to be practicing alone. I do that at home every day. I'm here to practice with my teacher in a group setting. So I resolved that I would be going to the led class Monday (Sunday is our day off here, in case you didn't know that). So when Monday came, I got good sleep and got up in time, got ready and walked out the door only to see from up the street that again there was an enormous amount of people already sitting and waiting at the gate to get in. So, very discouraged, I turned around and went home. I decided to wait a bit to practice so got online, chatted with a few people back home where it was afternoon for them, and then was planning to practice at about 5am. But instead I dozed off and fell asleep until 7am, and when I awoke I was starving, so I got up, washed my face and went to breakfast.

I'm feeling very unsure of things today. Why am I so willing to give up a practice when I've worked so hard to get here? The practice is harder here, more intense, yes. I know this, I've been here before and experienced it. Why then is it so hard for me to stay motivated to do the practice? Is it because I'm not as far along in the series as I think I should be? Possibly, but does that really matter? Not really and I know it, but sometimes the ego creeps its way in and doesn't let me have much peace. Is it because this practice doesn't work? Not so, I know and we all know when utilized it does make us feel better, physically and emotionally and mentally! Is it because I'm tired of everything being so hard? Yes, this might be it. I have found a level of ease in my life over the past couple years and it seems like why does this practice have to be so hard to be effective. Now we all know there are many other softer practices, or ones that are less physically intense that work. I myself used Kundalini yoga for many years and it gave me clarity and opened me up in many ways, so why do I need to do this much more physically demanding practice instead? I don't know.

Could it also be because I'm not competitive? Yes, for sure. Now the idea is that this practice is not competitive, even though its very physically demanding. I'm okay with that, the demanding part is good for my mind and body both and I get a lot out of that. But mostly I think its the getting into that room on the led class days that puts me off. Yes I want a spot in the main room, not to be stuck in the changing room or lobby to practice, would it kill me to be in there though? No, of course it wouldn't... But the pushing and shoving to get in there? Ridiculous, it makes me feel terrible and there is so much stress to that part of the day that it puts me off completely. Am I driven enough? I feel like I'm driven in wanting to build that deeper connection with source, but as far as getting on to practicing the further postures in the series that I'm not yet? No, I don't think I"m driven in that way at all.

I for years practiced intermediate series with adding on some of the advanced a series as well, almost daily, primary series a couple times a week, as taught to my by my first teacher. So maybe because I've already "achieved" those postures I'm in no hurry to do them again? Maybe, but I also remember feeling more amazing after an intermediate series practice than primary series, its actually more intense to me than any of the other parts that I've practiced before.

Am I tired of primary series? Maybe a bit, it is monotonous for sure, but last year after my back went out here, Sharath was adamant that it would heal my back problems if I stuck with it, I will say from my experience that yes, it has mostly healed them and I'm feeling pretty great.

So why am I missing so many practices here and why am I okay with it and what the fuck am I going to do about it? Well, I think part of it is that I'm seeing so much posting on Instagram and Facebook about the postures, but not the deeper aspects of yoga and so many people content to be good at that and not so worried about the behavioral parts of it. Now, is that for me to worry about? No, all I need to be concerned with is my practice and how I approach it, so when will I finally be able to let go of my concern with others and what they're doing? I don't know. Maybe never. Am I okay with that? No, I want to be able to let go of caring about that now.

It seems each trip has had the theme of letting go, or surrender, but each time it has been more deep and moving me to another level of letting go. This one is the deepest yet and I find my mind fighting back a bit and not being okay with that, I don't like fighting , especially when its internal. I like things to be easy and flowing.

So I'll figure it out I guess. I need to remind myself why I'm here. I'm here to do this work. I'm here to do this practice because I believe in it and know that it can help me move forward and through my emotions and mental states, even while at the same time being the thing that is bringing them to the surface. I'm here because I believe in something bigger than myself and through this practice I've discovered more and more connection to it and relativity with it and am learning how to maintain that throughout my day, even though I'm not feeling it right this moment, I still have two more months to be able to refine how to get back in touch with it when I'm feeling distanced from it, so, lets get on this shall we?

If you're reading this please feel free to give me shit if you don't see me waiting at the gate, its time for me to lift myself up by my balls and either do this or not!