Native place...

So when an Indian friend of mine goes home to visit family or for a wedding or just about any reason they always tell you they're going to their native place.

Well, now I've up and gone to my native place. I've been here three weeks now and realised I haven't written nor necessarily felt as if I even wanted to, or had anything to write about.

I got here and went straight to my moms for a week then came to St. Louis to stay with my friend and started teaching daily Mysore practice with a 3 hour workshop. That end of it has been going very well and it's really clearing me out so I don't have a lot of junk coming up to share with you all.

In fact after the shift I had in Goa I surprisingly was not unhappy to be here and have been enjoying myself, both with family and with old friends.

Then today after I had driven to Illinois to see a movie and have lunch with my mom I decided I should drive back through Collinsville and Fairview Heights, My stomping ground from about 2002 to 2008. I lived in Collinsville with Steve Conner, one of my best friends, in his big house that also housed a business that I'd delivered flowers for for almost a decade before I moved in there. I was surprised to find that I teared up and was feeling a bit verklempt.

See, in December when I was in Frankfurt, Germany teaching I found out Steve had passed away. How and why are not for this blog, but at the time I thought about it a lot and felt very heavy with the news. But soon as I always do around death I made my peace with it and knew he was less encumbered in the form he was in now and so felt lighter about it. So being there where we had so much history just choked me up a bit. And I realised that it was the first time I've thought of the past very much since I've been here, which is great.

In fact in general, and today in particular, I have felt just great. Almost amazing all the time. My body is feeling good since its fairly warm here, my mind has been clear, my practice has mostly been going strong and I've been able to feel the Goddess and connect here in ways I had not previously been able to.

All the work I've done over the years is finally paying off. My favourite verse of the Yoga Sutras to chant in fact (1.14) states that perfection in practice comes when one continues with sincerity and respect for a long period of time without any interruption. Not saying I've perfected anything, but I feel some fruits coming available finally, not always, but more often and with more ease than before.

Death came up again earlier this week when my friend that I'm living with for my time here had to put her long time pet to sleep and I was present as she left her body, could actually feel her energy shift and move into a happier state of being.

Death I don't see as anything more than a transformation of energy, and with this current obsession I have with the version of Kali that lives in the cremation grounds and the impermanence that death stands for, and the transformation it actually is. So to experience a spirit leaving its body at this time is very pertinent, and to have felt the things I felt this afternoon when seeing my old house were pertinent too. I feel this is symbolic of me realising that now I'm really not attached to this place anymore, and I'm leaving it for good. I'll come visit I'm sure but that's it.

So, that's it. See you soon, hopefully I'll write some more while I"m here but if not I'm going to be in Germany soon and see some of you there, or in Mysore after that and see more of you there. Namaste!

Expectations...

So, I'm at my moms house for the week before I head to St. Louis to teach for the month, after my great time in New Jersey teaching those receptive students. Did I write about my time there? I can't remember. I'll go look but if I didn't I'll have to soon. Anyhow, it's funny how you get here, which is what I'm calling it here instead of home because everyone keeps saying welcome home to me and I'm like, no, home is India! lol... but you get here with expectations that your old patterns will come up and that you will behave a certain way because of the way you were way back when you were around family on a regular basis. You also believe that what you think their expectations of you are can affect you, but then you (in the middle of the mornings asana practice) realise that what you think they are expecting you to be is just that, what you think they think you should be. All this thinking!!!! So then you realise you can be who you are, not anything else and they will love you anyway. I've discovered that this is what I do anyway if I can stay out of my head, most people can destroy things by overthinking the circumstances surrounding them and putting your ideas onto them, and that just screws everything up. Often I come and hold back, not being or acting how I usually would. Why do I do this? Do we all do this? Is this why so many of us are uncomfortable being around family? If so, then why do we do this to ourselves. So then, in the middle of my yoga practice where I was feeling tight, intense and my neck hurt from stressing myself out, I decided no, I can be me and I'm going to start just right this minute, and so I do and then my practice was better, my energy was better, my neck quit hurting, my stomach felt more ease and my appetite went down and I quit eating everything in sight. Oh my god, why are humans so ridiculous? We are though aren't we? This is why I love India, I don't do this there. Everyone I know there seems to be more in the present and if it's not affecting them right at that moment they don't put much work into it. Now, not everyone does this but what I notice is that this seems to be more the mainstream, where here in the U.S. it seems to be worrying about the future and how things should be and stress about them not being that way yet. Wherever I am I can be the same person I am when I'm in India. This is not a big revelation right? It's something we all should know but maybe we don't always recognise the truth in it, so I'm deciding to be this person. This is the person all the students come to practice with and love and so this is who I will be, I also love myself more when I'm this way, not the stressed out and forethought person I can be when I let myself fall into those old patterns. OMG, should I even be writing this blog entry? It seems like all this thinking about all the thinking I was doing and could be doing can be a mess. And yes it is, so should I delete this? Nah, it's already written, so I'll leave it...