I dream myself awake. Well, not fully awake, and yet not asleep any longer. It seemed so real that as the emotions welled up within me, it forced my spirit right back into my physical body and the feelings were too intense, so boom, it woke up.

At the time it seemed so real that the emotions were reeling through my body still and I felt as if I'd meltdown. But then I looked at the time on my phone lying near and realised, oh, it's Saturday. I don't have to get up at this time. So slowly fell back asleep to wake up again fully a few hours later.

I lie in bed for a while and looked at things on the phone, but realised it was futile. This morning I feel as if I am connected and yearn for even more. So I get up from the bed. No asanas today which is a blessing. So I sit down, light a candle, invoke the deities on my altar or rather invoke the energy they represent to me. Do praanayama, then a full pooja involving much mantra, fire, incense, bell ringing and emotion.

I feel so full, almost to bursting. But keep on going.

Then I'm finished and cannot express how complete and whole I feel. So oil my body up, allow it time to soak in, feeling the warmth the sesame draws to the surface. Then a hot shower, and breakfast, and internetting (if that's not a verb, it should be). Then a yearning for some chai. To go to one of the couple of coffee places that have great homemade chai, or Starbucks, where there is tons of space and you can sit for a long time and hear lots of English all around you and feel comfortable on a couch or a big cushy chair? The other places are not so comfortable so you can guess where won...

Sitting there reading, I've decided to pull out my Kali Kula book and my journal to bring with me, rather than the Devi Bhagavatam that I am reading. Kali has been calling to me all week, so it was the right decision. I open it at random, if such a thing even exists, and open to a short chapter on ishta devata, choosing ones own deity. The one that calls to you. Not just sticking with the original one, but trying a few others to make sure it wasn't just the heat of a love affair that kept you there, but the real thing.

It talks further about becoming the deity and the deity becoming you, feeling the fullness of being in them, having them in and all around you, but having you and them become one. I realise that since I'd come to Deutschland I'd let go of Kali. Kali who I'd run from as I tried all the rest of the gods, Ganesh and Shiva being the ones I felt closest too, but Kali who kept coming back in and poking me again and again, until the day in Mysore when a young Indian man who was jealous of all of us Westerners who got to come there and study yoga and be spiritual if we wanted, while his family was forcing him to get a degree in engineering because that's what a good Indian son does so he can then go away, makes lots of money and send it home to his family, when he gave me a book as a going away present called Yogic Secrets of the Dark Goddess by Shambavi Chopra. I finally relented and read about Kali.

This lady was so emotional, so erotic and symbolic in her words about her personal experiences with Kali in her life, with Kali and Krishna, Kali and Lakshmi, Kali and Shiva and with Kali and all other aspects of the Devi that I was sucked in. I was enraptured to feel this mother like being teaching me, giving me things to ponder, giving me things to repel, to accept, showing me the dark corners of my being and the light that shines out from my heart into those dark corners, and yet still embracing the dark, not just requiring the light, but finding a balance between the two. Being okay when its a time of light and embracing it fully, but also when its a time of heaviness and emotion to feel that it is also right and good and to be in love still, with all of the aspects of the self.

To have come to yoga 17 years ago and it to have taught you a more masculine aspect of yourself, when you were trained to be so much more effeminate. That was such a good feeling to feel that I was being truly more myself finally.

Now some years later to have found a feminine deity and feel her embodied within you and yet she did not make you more feminine again, but just to embrace the different aspects of yourself within you. Maybe realising, reading these passages from a book you'd finished last year in Mysore, but are just now resonating with you. Realising that there is no male or female, there is only evolving flow betwixt the two ends of the spectrum. Maybe also this is true between genders, between colors of skin, between sexual orientations and so much more.

There is the flow, the flow of the water down the mountainside, between the rocks, around the tree, over the dirt, through the old log... The flow of air around your body, through your hair, between the buildings, through the branches, into the open sky... The flow of energy in your nostrils, around your organs, through your limbs, back out and into another body, between the human and the animal, between the earth and the human, between the animal and the sky...

And it's only 10:30am, where else can this day possibly go? Let's go see shall we...