Unapologetically me...

I am passionate. Yes, passionate about everything I do. If I don't do it, then it means nothing to me. If I engage in it I dig in deep, learn the ancient language it was written in and read its scriptures that way. Until I figure out, oh, that's not for me, or until I see how it leads me back to the teaching from something else that means more to me, then I integrate it and move on back to the thing that means more (this I did with Kabbalah, merging it into my yoga).

I a passionate about Ashtanga Yoga, and I will teach it to you until you no longer want to learn it. I also will encourage you to use it to learn more about your body and use the teachings to figure shit out on your own. To me this is the true purpose of this yoga, to become aware of things within your own body, your own self. So when you're stopped at a posture I will likely back off and let you stew in your own juices until you figure shit out enough to get through it. Not all the time, but often. It's on an individual basis and by no means in there a rote way its done, it will be different with each of you.

I am an asshole, many will say this. And that's okay. I am loving, compassionate and even peacefully in my assholism. I'm not an asshole to hurt you or to hurt me, I'm an asshole because its not my job to take care of you or coddle you in any way. It's my job to teach you techniques so you can see yourself the things that you need to get from whatever it is you're doing. Asana, chanting mantra, pranayama, whatever.

I like to reference sex a lot, not because I'm a sex fiend (and in my 20s alone I've had more sex than most of you have had in your whole existence, not including my 30s and 40s) but because sexual morays irritate me. We have hangups on everything based around sex and I don't think it needs to be that way. I've had sex and learned much from it, its become less important to me, not unimportant, but I don't judge things from that point of view anymore. So let loose your uptightness around sex. Embrace that all creatures have it, enjoy it and it can be a major creative energetic force and you can use it to your advantage, or you can choose to allow it to become a block in your energy flow. Thereby manifesting blocks in your body and in your life, even in your relationships with others and emotions within yourself. Now, which choice do you want to make here?

That leads me to "dirty" words. Words are just words, if I say Fuck You and mean it, that's bad. But if the word fuck is bandied about lightly its not a bad thing. Not saying other words don't count too, just using the biggie as the one example here. Fucking relax, chill out. It's all good. If you choose to allow words to upset you, then that is on you, unless the person using them towards you is meaning them with indignance, and then remember, they are only reflecting your shit back to you and you have the choice to get over it or allow it to throw you off balance and fuck up your whole day or life. And yes, that is your choice.

By saying that I'm not taking responsibility off the other person either, because they're job is also to be aware of what comes out of their mouth and know the effects it has on people. But in the end, you can call me a piece of shit mother fucking asshole and I can still be okay, because I know I was being authentic to my inner being and that its your perception that is causing these words and that I cannot do anything about. Only you can change your mind.

I care, number one. I care a lot. If I am talking to you, at all, ever, I care about you. If I don't care you will never heard a word come out of my mouth in your general direction. I only give attention and focus to those things that I want to include in my experience of life. In my vibration. So if I'm getting shit from someone its because I'm vibrationally putting shit out there. So its up to me to clean that up. I live my life this way, and I expect that all others do as well. Now, I know they don't because many don't even know that this is how life works, so I have to feel them out and see if that is the case and then I'll tell them, yes you are your responsibility and I am mine. We are working on ourselves together in this existence and so we move forward from there. But the point of this paragraph is that I care. If I'm talking to you I want to include you in my vibration and me in yours.

I truly believe if we are in each others life experience it is because our vibrational frequencies are close to one another we are drawing each other in, making us a reflection of a part of that other beings soul, and they a part of mine. This harkens back to the above sentiment that we are all reflecting a piece of the "others" inner being, maybe that they embrace and love very much or that they are fighting against very strongly. When you're fighting with something in your inner being, it will manifest in your body or in your relationships, you can trust me on that. And I believe this and will tell you I know it to be true, so if you don't believe it and hear me saying it to you that means you are ready to hear it, even though it will be the hardest thing you've ever heard.

No one wants to hear they are responsible for the crap in their life. And unfortunately I'm often disposed to tell people this, so they get upset with me, lol. We all want to be able to blame an "other" for our problems, but there is no "other." There is only us, and our reflections showing us us back to ourselves.

This post probably seems very egocentric, very full of myself and very much against what most people think yoga stands for. But these thoughts were brought up by some interactions with a few people in my life lately, so I've been ruminating on them some and here they are. I feel a lot, I feel strongly and I love hard and with depth. If you are in my life, you are supposed to be there because we have something to learn form one another, both directions. If I choose to spend time with you outside of the classroom or in whatever situation it is because I care about you and I'm passionate about those I care about. If I send you a message checking on you it is for that same reason.

You are a part of me, and I am a part of you, and we both, not just we both, we all. Every mother fucking one of you reading this in fact. We all are in this together, and we should be aware of this and act like, from now on...

Sundays thoughts

Many years ago I started teaching Ashtanga Yoga, probably much before I should have but I was asked to by this older lady who was deeply in need, and she is still someone I consider a close friend and love very much. But a few years later this vinyasa studio was looking for someone who taught Ashtanga and followed the traditional path of it, they heard about me and asked me to teach so I taught one Mysore style class on Sundays in the early afternoon for some years.

This yoga community in this city was not something I knew much about as I'd always practiced at home and not given too much thought to there being an actual yoga community out there other than the Ashtanga Community I'd met on my trips to Boulder and Maui to see Pattabhi Jois and Sharath. So when I became a part of it by default many started giving me unsolicited advice, which I would listen to and judge based on how it felt when I heard it or thought about it whether or not I would follow it.

One thing that sticks in my mind and that is on my mind much these days is that they told me I should not be friends with my students. Now, traditionally in India the guru is the guru and you are not friends with him, he is your teacher, gives you advice based on his lineage as to how to live and practice your yoga and you follow it using your own discernment as to what you'll follow to the letter or not. At least, that is how I feel about it, probably not the very traditional way to do it.

So this one struck me as odd. After this class often many of us would go have lunch and hang out and have some amazing discussions. This eventually led to some great friendships that I still have today. But their point was that many would expect free classes from you, take advantage of you and such, being your friend. But I have found the opposite to be true. They are more loyal and since they know I don't make much money they are more than happy to pay me on time and when its due, so on and so forth.

But this was back in 2003,4,5 and around there.

From that point after I began teaching a full Mysore program I often would advocate the group going to brunch after the morning class on Sundays since it was a day everyone was always able to come and then were also often free afterwards. These sessions proved to become almost the whole reason for the Sunday class, not really, but we often enjoyed them so much that the work the students were doing and that I had done in my practice that morning before the class was so worth it that it made that part of it seem simple and easy.

Now as I teach here in Germany on Sundays we do much the same thing, not everyone always can go, but we do it and it feels great. As I move on to India and set up a program there I will hope to do something similar as well.

I had a discussion with my roommate in Mysore who is a very traditional fellow whom I love and agree with very often, but when it came to the subject of being friends with our teacher he very distinctly felt that it was not to happen. There is to be separation between the guru and the shishya. Of course, I did not agree with this. Part, and maybe a very large part, of the feeling of devotion I have towards Sharath is due to the fact that I feel very friendly, loving, even brotherly feelings towards him. We have discussions very easily and when I have a question I don't have any problem asking him in class about it and he tells me often his opinions of what I'm doing as well, hahahaha! And I feel we have a very good relationship. So I aspire to be this way, and actually was long before I even had the personal relationship with him, albeit with a very different approach than him.

And I am a western man, as much as India is in my heart and soul and I only really feel comfortable when I'm there I was raised in the US and so have to process my traditional Eastern teachings through the veil of my western upbringing, which is true of any of us who are drawn to the teachings but not brought up in the culture they were conceived in.

I'm not saying that it's perfect and that there are not problems. But I am saying this is part of who I am. I am a social person, even though I also like my solitude and contemplation time, I do like to have social interaction with like minded people. In fact I'd say that more than anything is what has helped the yogic teachings blossom inside of me, hearing them, feeling them out, talking about them with others, hearing and processing their opinion against mine and determining what it really means to me. In fact going to India and becoming a part of this worldwide Ashtanga community is when all the teachings first started to blossom in me at all I would say, even though I was practicing for 14 years before then.

That might sound extreme, but I think its true. That culture is where they came from, experiencing it is when it made me realise what the teachings really were. And if sharing that with the students I happen upon can help them figure them out more quickly, then job done as far as I'm concerned.

Okay, that's enough. Have a great night!

Saturday morning, pt 2

As I mentioned in part one I looked up two different entries, one about body image and one about focus and determination Kino had gotten from getting her authorisation from Guruji. I wrote in part one about the body image issues I have, but to no great conclusion because I've not figured mine out by any means, so I move on to the other one.

It was interesting that I've read her book Sacred Fire before, without ever contemplating what she wrote about her authorization.

I realise now I read that and didn't see too much in it because at the time I'd not received my authorisation, and now I have. And I know that immediately when I did get it I felt this sense of purpose. Purpose to teach, not sure in what capacity though, as a traveling teacher, or going to a set spot and setting up a Mysore program, or what. But purpose that now Sharath believes in me and I have his blessing to share the primary series, so I need to do this. It was awesome.

At the time I was about to leave for India I thought I was going to be going to study with Sharath for three months then have a month to enjoy Mysore, then go to Bangalore and teach for my friend Gururaja at his shala there for two months while he went to Mysore to study with Sharath. But a little over a month before I left I was asked to teach here where I currently am in Germany for four months and when I checked on the gig in Bangalore he was unsure at that time if it was going to happen, so told me to take the for sure gig instead, and so I did.

Once I got here I felt that strong purpose to share what I could with each of the students here that I'd received from my practice for the past 17 years, and feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose. Then I started wondering about going back to India, which is where my heart wants me to live.

Sharath at the time he'd authorised me had suggested that I teach in Uttarkashi, which is further up the Ganga from Rishikesh, upon finding out that I did not want to return to the US and teach where he'd originally wanted me to teach in St. Louis. So I decided that I would return and go to Varanasi, somewhere I'd always been drawn to go, and to Rishikesh and to Uttarkashi and maybe some other places as well. Check them out and see where I was drawn to be.

But I know that I have to teach, it feels like the dharma I'm here for. I also know that Uttarkashi, if that is where I settle, is colder and tends to have snow, so it would only be a season. Maybe May/June through September, then come south to be with Sharath for three months, then have three months to travel and teach each year. Hmmmm...

Then I watch this video from Ajay Tokas last night about how he's not a teacher and shouldn't consider himself that for some years to come, so then my little mind is fucked up again about teaching. But really, all I'm doing is sharing what I know about the primary series anyway. Is sharing teaching? Aren't we all teachers anyway in inadvertent ways at least?

I do know that now I'm fulfilling something in my being that is meant to happen. My dharma as it would be said in India. To share this practice and the insights I've gained from it seems like the right thing for right now.

I also decided two trips ago that the Hindu path, the symbolism of the gods and the energy they represent are also meant to be a part of my dharma. How does that fit in? No idea yet, but I know it is going to be part of what I do with my life and not knowing how yet is just fine to me, it will reveal itself when the time comes up for it.

So, no more to say really. I'm not super inspired to write today, I feel I'm doing it more as an exercise in keeping writing going than anything else. And that is okay too, because writing a few books is coming up in my dharma as well. It will be sharing my path, sharing the yoga/spiritual side of things, sharing the worldly existence I've lived so far as well. Sharing much more.

Sharing seems to be my path, or my dharma, really. Maybe that's what I start calling it. I write Facebook statuses on things and get messages about how sharing my experience really helped someone, I share on this blog, whatever the hell is going through my crazy mind, I share when I teach, I share when I have a conversation, I share all the time. But also I receive from all this situations as well, so it's an even give and take, or it evens out eventually!

Go and have a great weekend, and I'll see some of you tomorrow when I share some more asanas with you at 9:30am. Enjoy!

Saturday morning, pt 1

This morning I did my usual Saturday morning things ending up at a coffee house drinking chai and reading, then writing in my journal.

This morning I chose Kino MacGregor's Sacred Fire book. I had a friend in town this week and he read it and so it was on top and when I looked to see which "random" thing I would look into it spoke to me. And as I said I "randomly" opened it to a page to see what came up, this time only I did it twice.

The first thing I opened to and was moved to read the whole section on was about her battle with her body image. The second thing was the drive she got from getting her authorisation from Guruji. So both of these things have been mulling around in my head since then, so this entry could involve both of them or lean toward one or the other, and I'm not sure which one is the most prevalent in my mind! In fact, it stirred up more things than I thought it would.

First of all, body image. Now I know most people think of this in terms of being heavy. But my body image issues came from being a super skinny kid who actually got shit from other kids at school about it. I was skinny, like bones showing through my skin. I never felt unhealthy though and I sure ate a lot, I guess I just had a fast metabolism and you could see it. But from the negative stuff I heard about it a lot in school it created a weird thing inside me, this already shy and introverted young fellow, and so I shrunk even more. Causing myself to have a concave chest cavity from slouching to such an intense degree.

I was skinny until I was 30, until just after I began practicing ashtanga yoga. Then I got even skinnier. My partner at the time even threatened if I lost any more weight he was going to leave me and many people would think I had AIDS. Yes, he said this. But because I already had so many issues with my self esteem I never thought it was a bad way to speak to me because I spoke much worse to myself at that time.

Then I began gaining weight, it was as if the yoga had broken me down to the bare bones, no pun intended, minimum and then built me up differently into a whole new version of the old body and I began to feel more confident and happy within my own skin, something I'd never felt before so I just didn't think about it.

Until I left Ashtanga, and I've written tons about that already so it won't be in this post. But when I was practicing only Kundalini Yoga and the occasional Anusara Yoga class I got heavy, and I didn't notice it because I'd always been so skinny and felt like it was more the way I was supposed to be. Plus I was surrounded by all the Sikhs in the Kundalini Yoga world and the majority of them were a bit portly, so I felt like I fit in for the first time in my life.

Then when I slowly made my back into the Ashtanga practice and went to Mysore I found out I was in fact pretty fat for me and that this was inhibiting my body from doing much of what was asked of it in the Ashtanga practice. But also my spine was less mobile again so the extra body weight I was carrying only served to help that mobility not come back so easily.

Not sure that I still carry much of this stuff around with me, being too fat or too skinny doesn't seem to compute much when I look at in this context, but the idea that I constantly look at my body from different angles when I pass the mirror does seem to compute. I do this. I'm not sure why, but I am sure it comes from a lifetime of worrying about being one or the other, and so my idea of my body is dysmorphic. I always think I'm too fat and because of this I always wonder is my belly pooching out further than my chest from the side, and tend to look when I'm in a big mirror. It's really something odd because now finally I feel better in my body than I ever have, and for the first time on a trip to India Sharath mentioned how good I look . So hmmmm, where does this come from?

Is it something I should worry about? Or is it something that is just a part of the process as I learn to have a healthier relationship with my physical self? I feel good, so does it matter how I look because I do believe how we feel manifests in how we look? And yet when a student here in Germany mentioned how I'd lost my belly a couple weeks ago and I'd been happy teaching and feeling good and not even thought about my belly, but now boom, it all came back to me that oh, I'm fat again?!? How easy it is to fall back into an old pattern!

But then this leads me into the teaching part of my morning, so I'll write a second entry on that I think...

Moon day posturing...

That doesn't mean I'm doing postures on a moon day, it means all the posturing I'm doing is in my head.

I have a friend in town now and we ate a bit late last night and because of that I believe I had a hard time sleeping last night. The energy was just a boiling around and jerking me awake every so often, then I'd feel like I couldn't get back to sleep quickly enough and so would lie there awaiting it to happen, then boom, again. Finally at 6:05am I got up, took a shower then came in to do pranayama and my chanting, ate some mueslix and here I sit, now feeling tired again. Oh life...

I've been reading a lot lately in a book I fully read last summer, Kali Kaula. Just "randomly" opening it to a page and seeing what it has to say to me. Most of them have been very thought provoking and full of things that are very pertinent to my mindset or life situation that day. So then I've been having a lot to write in my journal, or write another blog or Facebook post that is coming from somewhere deep inside.

The biggest theme has been heart. Bringing heart to everything, even bringing the deity, or version of a deity, that you feel connected to into your heart space and seeing where that leads you throughout your day. It's been a very interesting way to approach things. And these passages are ones I'm remembering from reading the full book a year ago. But you know how sometimes you don't even see something until you're ready for the message of it? That is always the case with my life.

I'm really good at seeing whole things and paying attention to every going on around me, so when I see that I completely miss something it throws me off a bit. But we all are like this for sure.

What we're feeling and living is reflected back to us in the actions and behaviours of those around us, even in their personalities. So why wouldn't it be that we see only what our minds are ready to see? Of course this is so.

So heart. I'm feeling fully that this trip to Germany has been all about bringing me back into living from my heart.

I was giving India the credit for making me feel so open and loving and able to live there, but it's not the case. I had learned the ability to live there and be open and loving and then India manifested in my existence, not the other way around. I just got sloppy and allowed myself to let India take the credit. But I've earned the right to discover India in many ways I believe, and not just physically, but inside as well. And so I am.

I'm finding it even here, in the very organized country that seems the opposite of India, I am starting to see the same qualities that I love there so much and I'm inviting in more and more and processing it and seeing the good in it more and more and then more comes and then more feelings grow and more and more and more...lol.

So, I'm in a good place and teaching from this good place and feeling great about the sharing this practice I love so much. Finally after feeling a bit bad when I left India I've realised its there in me all the time, I just have to allow it to come out, or rather allow my perspective to shift so that I see it in everything. And its not about India, you get that right? It's just a word I use for my heart and seeing and feeling heart in everything and everywhere I go...

I dream myself awake. Well, not fully awake, and yet not asleep any longer. It seemed so real that as the emotions welled up within me, it forced my spirit right back into my physical body and the feelings were too intense, so boom, it woke up.

At the time it seemed so real that the emotions were reeling through my body still and I felt as if I'd meltdown. But then I looked at the time on my phone lying near and realised, oh, it's Saturday. I don't have to get up at this time. So slowly fell back asleep to wake up again fully a few hours later.

I lie in bed for a while and looked at things on the phone, but realised it was futile. This morning I feel as if I am connected and yearn for even more. So I get up from the bed. No asanas today which is a blessing. So I sit down, light a candle, invoke the deities on my altar or rather invoke the energy they represent to me. Do praanayama, then a full pooja involving much mantra, fire, incense, bell ringing and emotion.

I feel so full, almost to bursting. But keep on going.

Then I'm finished and cannot express how complete and whole I feel. So oil my body up, allow it time to soak in, feeling the warmth the sesame draws to the surface. Then a hot shower, and breakfast, and internetting (if that's not a verb, it should be). Then a yearning for some chai. To go to one of the couple of coffee places that have great homemade chai, or Starbucks, where there is tons of space and you can sit for a long time and hear lots of English all around you and feel comfortable on a couch or a big cushy chair? The other places are not so comfortable so you can guess where won...

Sitting there reading, I've decided to pull out my Kali Kula book and my journal to bring with me, rather than the Devi Bhagavatam that I am reading. Kali has been calling to me all week, so it was the right decision. I open it at random, if such a thing even exists, and open to a short chapter on ishta devata, choosing ones own deity. The one that calls to you. Not just sticking with the original one, but trying a few others to make sure it wasn't just the heat of a love affair that kept you there, but the real thing.

It talks further about becoming the deity and the deity becoming you, feeling the fullness of being in them, having them in and all around you, but having you and them become one. I realise that since I'd come to Deutschland I'd let go of Kali. Kali who I'd run from as I tried all the rest of the gods, Ganesh and Shiva being the ones I felt closest too, but Kali who kept coming back in and poking me again and again, until the day in Mysore when a young Indian man who was jealous of all of us Westerners who got to come there and study yoga and be spiritual if we wanted, while his family was forcing him to get a degree in engineering because that's what a good Indian son does so he can then go away, makes lots of money and send it home to his family, when he gave me a book as a going away present called Yogic Secrets of the Dark Goddess by Shambavi Chopra. I finally relented and read about Kali.

This lady was so emotional, so erotic and symbolic in her words about her personal experiences with Kali in her life, with Kali and Krishna, Kali and Lakshmi, Kali and Shiva and with Kali and all other aspects of the Devi that I was sucked in. I was enraptured to feel this mother like being teaching me, giving me things to ponder, giving me things to repel, to accept, showing me the dark corners of my being and the light that shines out from my heart into those dark corners, and yet still embracing the dark, not just requiring the light, but finding a balance between the two. Being okay when its a time of light and embracing it fully, but also when its a time of heaviness and emotion to feel that it is also right and good and to be in love still, with all of the aspects of the self.

To have come to yoga 17 years ago and it to have taught you a more masculine aspect of yourself, when you were trained to be so much more effeminate. That was such a good feeling to feel that I was being truly more myself finally.

Now some years later to have found a feminine deity and feel her embodied within you and yet she did not make you more feminine again, but just to embrace the different aspects of yourself within you. Maybe realising, reading these passages from a book you'd finished last year in Mysore, but are just now resonating with you. Realising that there is no male or female, there is only evolving flow betwixt the two ends of the spectrum. Maybe also this is true between genders, between colors of skin, between sexual orientations and so much more.

There is the flow, the flow of the water down the mountainside, between the rocks, around the tree, over the dirt, through the old log... The flow of air around your body, through your hair, between the buildings, through the branches, into the open sky... The flow of energy in your nostrils, around your organs, through your limbs, back out and into another body, between the human and the animal, between the earth and the human, between the animal and the sky...

And it's only 10:30am, where else can this day possibly go? Let's go see shall we...