Nostalgia...

I've been feeling very nostalgic lately. With the prospect of leaving here for gordon the horizon it makes one contemplate odd things. Things I never knew I'd even care about again. Driving down old streets I used to live on, walking past my old school (which I hated), visiting people I haven't spoken with in years. Even eating at old favourite places.

Yes, I said leaving here for good. Doesn't mean I won't come back to visit, but who knows. When I go to India I hope to stay there for a good long while and then if I live somewhere, maybe there, or maybe another place on that side of the world. I had a reading and she said Bali, Bali could work too. Never been there but I like the idea of being near the ocean. But it's time, my life has been here for over 46 years now and it's time for a change.

I love India and can see myself traveling around there and teaching in different locations, then finally finding one place and being there for a while, then maybe another and another. I don't really know, or have a drawn out plan. I can't really plan things, I'm terrible at it and in the doing of that I feel like I'm living worrying about the future rather than enjoying my present. So I tend to not make plans. I know I'm odd to most of you, fucking hell, I'm odd to me most of the time.

I've chosen a life that doesn't fit here in St. Louis. And being here again makes me feel small. I do have a good life here, great friends, great students, and a great family. But feeling small is really painful. And I always feel outside my comfort zone, not that that's a bad thing, but its just tiring to always be uncomfortable. Not saying when I sleep I'm not comfortable or the places I go here aren't comfortable, but the only time I've felt like I'm me and living in my skin is in India.

I never knew that before. Never knew that I wasn't happy and that my life was small (not that its really small, its just not everything I want it to be, so its a figurative small). Odd to find out that I've not been being myself, and then boom, I'm in this strange land with strange customs and find myself more at home than I've ever been. I always said home is wherever I am, I take it with me, so that I could feel better wherever I was and it worked, then I ran smack dab into the place that was home and once you leave that place you can never be comfortable in the old place again.

I've been doing my best to not be depressed since I've been home. In fact that first month I wasn't and I even felt pretty damn good, was excited to see my friends, family and students again. Then it kicked in. Everything here is the same, nothing ever changes and I'm tired of having that experience. So its time to get out of here, but I have to stay and make money enough to afford to go back and be there for a while without income, while I study with Sharath and line up teaching jobs over there. I already have one two month gig lined up that I'm excited about, but I need more. Now, here I go again, living in the future instead of being able to enjoy my present.

I've got to do my best to be okay here while I'm here, things are good for sure, but if I don't maintain my feeling good, then it can all crash down around me.

So I go the Hindu temple a lot, I feel happy and comfortable there, I go to the park a lot, I feel happy and comfortable there (although these past two days with the rain I haven't been able to do that and that's probably a big factor in why I'm feeling this way today) and tonight I'm to the Hare Hrsna temple with a couple of my students. I used to go there a lot many years ago, it can be uplifting and fun, and they have a great meal afterwards.

So I'm doing my best, hope you are too. Sending love out to you all.