back to "normal" ... ?

So, I've had a few different discussions this week that have pointed to getting to feeling back to normal. Normal to me is better put in quotes like in the title of this article, because what is normal? It is a relative term, right?

I think so because what is normal for me, is not normal for you or anyone else, nor should it be.

But, the big question is, as we move through this life and if you're practicing yoga, and I'm talking about yoga, not just asana (although asana tends to lead you into a deeper place that makes you take interest in the fuller aspects of yoga if you're open to it) as it's meant to be practiced in the east with the fullness of your being seeking liberation then you are trying to remove the veils, koshas in Sanskrit.

Veils you ask? I never thought of it like this before, even though I've read plenty of scripture that uses this terminology, I don't think we get it until we GET it, have that aha moment. Mine was yesterday.

So the idea is that we are spirit, a bright shining soul that is powerful and glowing with this inner power. As we come to the earth to inhabit a body we are cloaked in veil after veil of heavier and heavier substance until we basically forget we are the soul and identify with only the body and the material things in front of our face. But the Eastern traditions have many spiritual paths that are meant to unveil us so that we realize again that we are this bright, shiny spirit underneath it all. And you know those people who are on that path, they do have a glow and you can feel their energy when they walk into the room and the more veils they've uncloaked themselves from the bigger that energy is.

So as I started the practice of yoga and began to have little aha moments, little realizations towards this end, I thought of it as transforming myself into a new bright and shiny being, but the converse is true I now believe.

I am slowly uncovering the true me and the further and further I unveil the more different I feel and the more different I feel and the more different I feel, and even bigger, the more different those around me respond to me.

So, in a conversation back to normal came up, but I said to myself, what if back to normal is not an option. If as is said, the only constant is change, and we as yogis are meant to be able to adapt to any situation as it comes up and be equanimous in each situation, then aren't we also meant to be okay with whom we are as we unveil our true self? And I mean as we truly are.

Think of a lamp and you've put many cloths over it it create a mood, so its still light in the room even though it's dark outside, but it's darker and even a bit green, red or whatever the color the veils you've put over it are. But you remove one, notice the difference, it's lighter, but still a mood albeit a different mood than before, and then another, and another. The mood slightly shifts as each piece of cloth is taken away. BUT as you remove each piece of cloth the room becomes more the room as it is normally before you put all those veils over it. The light bulb is your true self, your "normal" self, not what you thought was you as you were before you began removing the veils when you started your practice of yoga, or Buddhist meditation, or Kabbalah, or whatever you're doing that's bringing you closer to your true self. So will you ever get back to the "normal" that you originally meant? I hope to hell not, you've taken all this time to work in the direction you are going, so normal will be constantly changing until you unveil the bare light bulb which I don't even know if it's possible while we're in a body to do so, but we can get as close as we can.

So, next time you use that phrase "I can't wait to get back to normal." Think about it, do you really want that? Nah, you want the new normal and the next normal and the constant evolution of what that means at that moment, not what you were way back when. Don't you?

Slow going...

So, when I got home from India my plan was to get my classes going again, start the income flowing and then when the park started I could put that money directly in the bank and use it to go back to India in the fall/winter. The park class is a donation based class and while I don't make good money per student, probably only about 60% actually donate, it's an hour class and I can make decent money.

So far that class has been amazing, lots of people great donations, great questions after and this year I have some great assistants to help them out, with over 200-over 300 coming weekly I can't help them all. So, no complaints on that front at all. But my classes at studios have been slow, so slow. What's going on? I'm not a person who believes in lack and I do believe there is more than enough for everyone, so the fact that many of the older teachers in town have been complaining that there are just too many teachers being pumped out doesn't usually bother me. All this while they are doing teacher trainings to keep their studios afloat mind you lol.

So what is it? I've changed, I know that, and the students here have too. The ones who are coming are strong and eager for the deeper work they're doing with the primary series, so, it's me... Has to be.

Not me in the way you think I'm saying, I'm not saying I suck and no one wants to take my class. I like me and think I'm moving in the direction that fuels my fire, but I've just been in a lackful state of mind for a while.

Before I left, I was so excited and in that excitement was inviting abundance from the universe and got it, now, not so much.

I am getting back to feeling better and in feeling better can cultivate that excitement again that will draw more profitability to me and then I'll be good again.

No, dammit, I'm good again now. Intentionality has to be in the present and forward not when I get there I'll get this, so I'm good now. The universe is flowing and is abundant and has enough to give me to live off of, to put away for India and to just put away for a rainy day. It has enough to send me all around the globe if I so choose, I just have to make up my mind about where I want to go and buy the ticket!

Money comes to me easily and often, money comes to me easily and often, money comes to me easily and often!!!

I haven't posted in a while...

So here it goes, I have no idea what I want to write, just that I want to write.

There is much going on in my mind lately, should I add a class here? there? should I drop this class? should I quit teaching and just get a job and focus on my practice? (decided no on that one btw, I really hate everything except teaching yoga) should I move? do I really want to move with the fact that I want to go back to India in the fall and don't want a lease to worry about? should I move to a whole other state? or country? should I go live in a cave and say fuck society? what should I do with myself????

I really don't know. India kinda fucked me up. Not in a bad way at all, but in a way that made me know I've been complacent in the design of my future, so I need to figure out what I want to do with myself.

Ok, I know I want to focus on teaching Ashtanga Yoga, it is amazing and has changed my life. I know it can be applied as a therapeutic practice, a challenging practice, a workout, a deep, deep way to connect to ones inner self. So, I want to teach Mysore style, yes that I do... I add on one Mysore style class Sunday mornings, its been going for 4 weeks and is doing very well, for a brand new class especially.

I love this style of teaching. So I like teaching some other classes that are led so that people can get that as well, the breath count, the sequence, all of that, but Mysore style is it.

I really, really want to go back to India for two months in the fall/winter to study further with Sharath, possibly take an extra couple weeks to go north and see the Ganga and the Himalayas, both of which I'm drawn to desperately, they over there say I've lived there in another life.

So, I've started the moving forward in life, and I'm okay with that for now but am still in the mood for more and more and more. More what? More teaching right now, adding on a few more classes would be good for me so if you know of any place, let me know! lol, Also, maybe more in other areas too. Maybe explore some dating? Maybe going on a few more trips than usual? Maybe, maybe, maybe...

Maybe a lot of things. I'm open and want to see what it is that my little heart desires, join me for the ride?

India pt. 2

Yes, I'm calling this India part 2, not because I'm going to write more about India, although I could do that, but mostly because I believe India is still working it's magic on my life.

I still feel like I'm walking and doing most things in a daze, or not a daze, I'm coherent, but more like I'm watching a movie, observing all these things happening to this guy in the film, he looks a lot like me but more blonde and thinner, maybe a bit better looking too...lol.

So, I'm trying to figure out what that means. I felt that way much of the time in India, like I was observing this guy schlep about, to eat lunch, to take a shower, to have a nap, to meet friends for an outing, to bed. The only time I never felt like I was watching myself, but felt like I was actually the doer and be er of the situation was when I was walking to the shala in the morning, that walk was sacred to me most mornings. It was quiet, other than the one time I woke the dogs up and they barked at me half the way in, but then when I walked up the steps, left my shoes on the porch and walked into the foyer to either wait or be called in to practice, at that point, when Sharath said "One More" and pointed to me to come in, that's when the observer took over and the rest of my day was viewed through his lense.

Right now, and a large part of today, I felt completely present and not in this state, so maybe it's something that will change eventually much like my getting use to being here again, with time.

So, now I'm living my life back in the routine, almost exactly the same routine that I grew into before I left. Yes, I'm saying that with a little vitriol, meaning I love teaching and love teaching Ashtanga most, so when I'm doing that and counting the breaths (which I've been doing since I got home) I feel the most happy, comfortable and at peace with myself that I do all the rest of the day. So what can I do to shake things up? Teach more? Where? Go on a float trip? (that I'm doing in a couple weeks) Go away for a weekend somewhere new? Yes, that sounds good. Move? Yes, I want to move, somewhere new here? Somewhere completely new and start all over again? Maybe...

I don't know, but this an invite to the universe to shake things up, maybe not violently and with smoother edges than it had last week, please? But yes, I'm ready for new things, new blood, new paths to tread, new corners to stick my nose into, just plain new stuff!

So, if you read this, consider yourself invited to join me for the ride, or to facilitate something new, we're all in this together, so let's act like it!!!

India

Ok, it's been a while since I've written, but I didn't have a computer after Seabrook left so I'm home now, and I'm starting to feel "normal" again, unfortunately lol, so I'm writing now.

I think I've mostly kept you all updated on many fronts, on here a bit, on Facebook a lot and since I've been back I filled some of you in, a bit.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to just sit down and talk about what the experience was like, because it's something that sticks with you and slowly integrates, but integrates in a way (so far anyway) that is very personal and private and not something there may even be words to share it with. So I'll do my best to tell a story, or share an anecdote as they come up in normal conversation and just in life in general.

I've decided that I'll be going back to Mysore in November/December to study with Sharath some more. There are no authorized or certified teachers in our area, I'm pretty much one of the only two who've been over there to do the deeper work in this system, in St. Louis anyway, there are a few in Chicago and maybe some other areas semi close, but not here. Since I don't have a teacher I really absorbed everything Sharath told me or shared with me and do my best to utilize it in my practice and have decided that I'll be the authorized teacher in the area, eventually, and so need to travel over there at least once a season to stay fresh in his mind as a practitioner, but also to keep the learning fresh in my being. As I learn, you all benefit from it as well. I'm not sure how it'll all come out tomorrow at my first class since I've returned but we'll see, it'll be a surprise for us all!

I did finish the primary series over there, under his tutelage and have actually been having amazing practices since I've been home. When you finish primary series in India you start to work on deep back bending before the closing sequence, to balance out the forward bending, and that is what I'm working on at home. If you come to my classes you know we do three or so back bends before a deep forward bend and then the inversions of the closing sequence, well when you're there you learn the stand up from your third back bend and and then drop back, then you do that a couple more times, then someone is meant to be helping you do half drop backs to open up the spine more and then you work towards grabbing or "catching" as Sharath calls it, your ankles and yes from the drop back...

Since I've been home I've been able to stand up and drop back but today I practiced with a friend who just did a teaching immersion with Kino MacGregor and she was able to help me do the half drop backs, which was awesome.

Before I left I had a meeting with Sharath about my practice and how to proceed, he asked me when I was coming back I said I hoped to in the fall and he said just do primary and work on the back bending all summer, to get my spine opened up and the energy flowing, the nervous system good and toned, then when I come back he'll start me on the intermediate series, if I was coming back later he said maybe he would have me work on Pashasana, the first posture of intermediate series. So that is what I'm doing. When you have as talented a teacher as he is as your teacher you listen to them. He knows my stuff and where it is in my body and mind, so I trust him.

I'm missing aspects of India but am feeling more at home again here, although I will say this. People here are scattered, all caught up in their head and act frazzled all the time, but folks, life here is fairly simple and easy flowing, so get over that shit! In India life is crazy, there is everything, yes literally everything, happening all at once and yet the people stay calm, focused and present. They are resolved to their karma and believe there is nothing they can do about it so just stay focused on the task at hand, in the present, not worrying about things they can't do anything about until they get to them, like we do, but present, right where they are at that very moment.

So we need to work on this. Come to yoga class, but for gods sake start studying the deeper aspects of the philosophy and put it into play in your life, learn how to be present and observing of what's in front of you at that time and deal with that and only that then, then the next thing, then the next...etc...

Well, that's enough for now. I have to go catch up on RuPaul's Drag Races' newest season and watch the first episode of Game of Thrones before the new episodes of each in the next few days, but I'm also tired and ready to chill before teaching at the farmers market tomorrow and teacher training all afternoon.

So take care, and be present!

Supta Kurmasana

So, I think that finally, after 14 years of practicing this system of Ashtanga Yoga, minus 4 years in there, coming back to it and, again, finally making my way to its source in Mysore, India, I may be understanding this yoga path.

So when I arrived after I'd had so much trouble getting here, 52.5 hours worth of travel specifically, my back wasn't happy and had seized up in the lumbar region, sacrum as well, or so it seemed.

I did my first class, which was on a Sunday and on Sundays here all classes are led ones, not my favorite, but I got to Marichasana D and Sharath attempted to get me into it and couldn't. Maybe a little close, but no, not really lol...

So the next day in the typical Mysore style class I came in last person of the day and went into the practice with great focus and made it through Marichasana D on my own, he even came by and asked me if I got it and one of his assistants had seen me, so I referred him to the assistant for confirmation that I in fact had. So he went into his office and I continued onward through the series. He stopped me at supta kurmasana, which was fine. I wasn't used to the heat and it was killing me, my body wasn't opening up so much just yet and I was fine with it. And I since restarting the system I hadn't been able to bind in said posture yet anyway, so technically I wasn't supposed to move past it.

So for the next two and a half weeks I've been stuck at that posture. I decided when I arrived here I was going to surrender to Sharath and embrace him as my teacher and so I was, and in that room you can't go past where he tells you to stop anyway, it's just not allowed. But I was doing fine with it the first week, then the second week I began to get frustrated. This week Monday and Tuesday (today is Wednesday) I was so close, so close.

One day Nnadi, one of Sharath's assistants helped me get into it but I couldn't hold it, too sweaty, then yesterday he helped me again and put my hand towel in my palm so that I could get the traction to maintain it, and I was able to. Felt amazing too! Then I came out, all happy with myself and started backbending, leading into the closing sequence. Sharath saw me at my first lift up, and when I lowered down he caught my eye and said "you did supta kurma?" "Yes," I said. "Do it again now, so I can see." So I promptly went into kurmasana and then started transitioning into supta kurmasana where his assistant Ganapati came and started getting me into it, then quickly I saw brown feet move into what little vision I had and realized Sharath had come and moved him out of the way and was doing the surgery himself...lol.

He got me there, he's very skillful and better at adjusting than anyone I've ever seen or felt, but again, I was too sweaty and couldnt' hold it. He last week had admitted his frustration with me not getting this pose and even said he wanted me to get it, so was personally going to help me with it, and so it became a mission with him. But I digress.

Yesterday afternoon I went and had trigger point therapy where I found out my right QL was tigher and shorter than my left and so the guy proceeded to use the technique to release my right one and gave me exercises to do that would correct the problem in two weeks. So that in mind I went to practice this morning and found much more space in my torso, front and back, which was nice, so I made my way through the series of postures as I know them and realized that I was going to get into the pose today, maybe even by myself.

Now Sharath, whether by design or not, positioned me right in front of the dais he sits on when not moving around the room and so when I was in navasana I realized he was there, and he was reading the paper, but never to let that fool you, he still knows everything going on in that room. So I made my way into kurmasana, ahhh, it felt nice with all that space, then I began the transition, and got to a point and off the stage he comes and gets behind me to move my bones into place. He got my shoulders deeply under my legs and then made me move my arm back on my own, not the normal way, but he obviously wanted to see how far I could get them, then bound my fingers, and yes I was holding them tightly, then moved my legs behind my head with his leg in between them so I could squeeze it with mine and make the bind tighter (very nice adjustment trick) and I held it and he yelled "Pass!" " go onto Garbha Pindasana after vinyasa." So I did, he stopped me at supta padangusthasana so that I didn't do too much with the new space, telling me "slowly, slowly... we open you."

But the elation and release I felt is really what this was all about. I had been stuck at that posture and was dealing with physical feelings, emotional feeling and energetic blocks that I had never even realized were there, but this process showed me a lot about that, and now I state I think I actually understand why this system is taught the way it is, amazing!

>So when I come back and teach, know that if I stop you in your practice, it's not at all because I'm being mean, it's completely so that you can get into that space and work through the issue, mental or energetic, that is causing that tightness or that block and release it, let it go, get rid of it and move on in life!

Saturday, our day off..

So, in the Ashtanga tradition we take Saturdays off, to rub ourselves down with oil which helps to relieve tension in our muscles and our mind as well, to have a full day of integration of the insights that come from our practice. I believe also to have the day to practice feeling okay without doing the physical practice, which can be a crutch to our well being. If you practice yoga you know that it makes you feel better, it does. But you also may never take a day off from the asana practice to be able to practice those good feelings just by using the power of your mind, which all said is what yoga is anyway, right? Yogas Citta Vrtti Nirodhah=yoga is the cessation of fluctuations of the mind. So we're using the asana practice to calm the nervous system down so that we can enact the practice of the yamas and niyamas, google them, I may write about them some day but their interpretation is neverending through the eyes of many different individuals, so I'll save my opinion for another time. So today, I slowly woke up, or rather my bowels which move very quickly and frequently here, woke me up and I lay down for a bit longer after answering their call. The sun was just coming up, which by our standards in Missouri is late at almost 7am, but it was lovely. The women were just starting to sweep their front stoops, the birds were calling their neverending call, a sound I can't explain as we just have nothing to compare it to (but it's lovley), and so I finally got up, did a neti pot, put oil in my mouth to pull with, got on Facebook, answered some messages, meditated, did pranayama, chanted to Lakshmi for abundance,did my castor oil bath, showered, washed a few shirts while I was in there chilled for a bit then left to meet a friend for breakfast at Khushi, thinking I would get a chai beforehand. I was sitting on the steps at Khushi waiting for him and decided to write in my journal. What I realized while writing there was that everyone here seems to be so distraught and dealing with all of their shit, so quickly, almost as soon as you get here. Here, we are so outside our comfort zone that our emotions, thoughts, our very inner being is so close to the surface and we're just not used to that. At home we sit very deeply in our comfort zone and when you're there your emotions allow themselves to get buried, sometimes fairly deeply and so we have to postulate, or take a few days to see how we feel about things as they come up. Here, very much outside our comfort zone, they sit near the surface and when something comes up, out the words and feelings come very much before we've given anything a second thought, so we feel odd because in the west we just aren't used to dealing with them like this. So now I'm thinking of how to maintain this closeness and intouchness with my emotions and even with my body when I get home. Do I move? Somewhere new in St. Louis, or completely away from St. Louis? Do I shave my head and become a monk, or maybe never cut my hair again and become a monk? Do I get lots of tattoos and peircings? Get my point? It's about taking myself outside my comfort zone, daily, not just sporadically as we tend to do in the midwest, if at all, but daily. This too can be part of my yoga practice and should be as far as I'm concerned. I make my students uncomfortable daily, so I have to do this with myself as well. One person suggested I start a Sanskrit study group once I'm back, to keep my studies of this lovely, ancient language going, but to spark the beginnings of their interest in it. One thing I'll probable also do is change all or most of classes to the Ashtanga practice, which is something I can't not teach, even though I'm not authorized or certified (yet), what else can I do? What makes you uncomfortable? Do you avoid it completely, or embrace it and dive in? One thing I love about the Lululemon company is their manifesto, which consists of many one liners about embracing life more fully, but the one I've always resonated with the most is Do Something Once A Day That Scares You... Do you?