Sadhana...

I remember the first time I heard this word, it was when I was in Boulder, Colorado after a practice led by K. Pattabhi Jois one morning. I was sitting with a group, none of whom I knew, but we were all in it together so I was just absorbing what I could.

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One lady was talking about taking off for a year and was just working on her sadhana, and blah, blah, blah. I don't remember everything, just that I had never heard that word before. Now, I am pretty smart and from the context she used it in figured out she meant her daily yoga practice, or at least I thought that's what she meant. So when I arrived home, at the families' house I was put up with, I asked Mary Lou about it and she confirmed that it probably did mean that, and maybe her other practices, such as meditation, chanting, etc. Things all in the "yoga" wheelhouse, so yoga was her sadhana. Whatever that meant to her.

That stuck with me and I realised I had some reading to do, so I read every book that I could find about yoga, and realised that sadhana could mean different things to different people and no one could really judge that, it was up to you what was your "spiritual" practice. So sadhana basically means a daily spiritual practice, or even a daily discipline.

The last few years as I've gotten deeper into Tantrik practices my idea of sadhana has shifted. I feel very fulfilled by them in a different way than I ever did by my asana practice, although my asana practice has always been important to me. I seem to have lost the link to the fire that made my asana practice a sadhana, and would like it back. My daily sadhana is still there, but the physical side has been lacking.

Now, I'm still practicing daily, I just have more and more trouble getting up so early, going to bed so early and finding the motivation to do it at those early morning hours like I used to. I like to practice before I teach, Sharath likes us to practice before we teach because then we're really in tune with the students, and getting up at 4am I enjoy, 5am even better, but earlier than that is killing me these days. And in order to do all the things I like to do to feel really balanced and in top form I need to begin the asana part of my sadhana by 3am, or a bit earlier is even better.

I know to many of you this sounds crazy, and to me sometimes it does as well, but it's the norm for most Ashtanga Yoga teachers, and has been the norm for me since Pattabhi looked at me in Boulder at one evening conference and said "You, getting up 4am, before working, doing sadhana early morning, whole life changing, whole life!" And I went home, whined about it to my then partner who then poked and prodded me that if I was taking this man as my guru, or teacher at least, and he made a suggestion then I should at least honour that by trying it, if it didn't work then okay, but at least try and honour him by attempting to make it work. Oddly enough, this is one of the things that also broke us up, but that's another story...

So I did, and it was hard at first, but delightful. And I do love not being like the "normal" people all around me, I like to be the weird one. This made me really weird, even though no one but me knew it, so I was able to continue it for some years, actually until 2008 when I stopped Ashtanga for a time, but I began Kundalini and they did sadhana even earlier in the morning, so it stayed with me until that last year in India, when I was practicing with Sharmila Desai at 6am, and then when in Mysore for the following 8 months was also practicing starting at some time between 5am and 7am. Now it's just not in me anymore. A couple days a week I can do it and love it, then the other days I'm fumbling around trying to figure out when to do it, when to eat so doing it is possible, etc.

But I digress, this was about finding the motivation to pull my asana practice back into the sadhana category in my mind, and once I can get there the getting up early won't be such a problem anymore. I'm working on it now, even as I type this. But am still not finding the how or the why, the why being the most important part. But I know the why, the asana practice moves my energy, keeps my body happy and healthy and functioning well, helps my mind stay in a good place and it keeps my emotions from burying themselves in my body anywhere.

I started having trouble here with my practice some time in December, I thought maybe it was because of taking all these different mushrooms and their effect on my body which mostly had been good, but also made me a bit tighter. I think it could also be product of the effect of the desert on this body, which has been anything but good. The mind seems to still be okay, the body seems to be the only victim of the desert. And the feeling of Maa is very strong here, but that keeps my mind in a good place too, so maybe it actually is that? Who knows. What I need to figure out it is how to do it anyway, and move through this phase in my life, in my practice, in my sadhana and use this sadhana to keep the fires burning, the tapas of which makes me a better teacher, a better yogi, a better Tantrik practitioner, all of which makes me a better human being and that is all I can hope for. To be the best me that I can be...

The new world..

Well, it's been a while. Sorry. I was feeling overwhelmed much of the time. I even found a draft I'd started in December that I never posted. And then this pandemic, virus thing took over the world and all went to hell.

Not sure if anything in my life changed though, really I guess it hasn't. Other than teaching Ashtanga Yoga on zoom. Which is a very weird thing, it's not something I'd have said is possible before and I'm still not sure if I agree it is possible, but here we are. I'm also going to different folks houses though and broadcasting from there, teaching the others as best I can through the screen.

I hated it at first, thought there was no way I could continue doing it, it made me feel crazy. But they loved it so much that I kept it up and eventually it grew on me. Now, I will always prefer in person, but again, here we are. Right now I don't have much choice even though Arizona did open everything back up so if we had a space I could teach, if any of them would come that is. Not sure if they would, some would, but others probably not. Many will likely chastise me for teaching those in person who I am, even though it was a grown up choice between me and them, not any of anyone else's business. So if you are in the mood to do that, think twice about it. I've had enough of people telling me how to live my life.

Now I"m hosting once a week a class here where I've moved to, in with a student and friend who offered. It's a lot of space and is nice to have people come practice here since the other space is no longer available. The lady who hosted me pretty much quick speaking to me and offered the job to another of the students I was teaching when she does reopen, likely next month. She also asked me to move out, so I'm thankful to be where I am. Everything feels much nicer, not have to deal with her moods and such, but I do wonder if I'm still stuck here for a while longer and we can finally have group classes where I will teach, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Also, I"m not bitching, so don't feel sorry for me or think I need a hug, although a hug would be nice. I'm just stating the way things are right now. I'm under much better circumstances, and have been blessed to have students who will still pay for me even though it's mostly virtual. They are great students and I'll miss them.

I was missing India so much that I thought I'd die having to stay here longer but India's borders are still closed so I couldn't go back anyway. I was supposed to be in Budapest as of last week, teaching for a month starting this last Sunday, but their borders are also closed, so here I am, making peace with being where Maa has decided I'm to be, which seems to be working out so far.

If you stay attached to your ideas of the way things are supposed to be, you can never allow the way things are delivered to you to be an okay thing, right? We are allowed to choose what we want and what we like, but not necessarily how or when we receive them. I am meant to be living with my Guruji by the end of August, and that won't likely be happening, but I have faith it will happen in the not too distant future, so I hunker down and wait for it doing what I love while I wait.

I started dating again, well, not sure if to call it that. I opened an account on an app after a very long hiatus and had some good chats with a few people, met one who I really hit it off with and will see again soon. The best thing that came up though is that it woke something up in me, something that really was dormant to a degree, maybe fully dormant.

I'd forgotten how nice it feels to be with someone who enjoys your company, whose company you enjoy and who is attracted to you as much as you are attracted to him. So great! It's made me remember what I'd learned about this stuff before, and appreciate it for what it is. But also appreciate my alone time more than usual too. Take for instance this morning, I normally meet my friend at a park for a walk and a chat with a chai or coffee for him. This morning he wasn't able to make it and I went anyway, the temperature was cooler, the sun was warm, not too hot like its been, and I just read a bit, walked a long time, and listened to nature in a way you can't unless alone. So enjoyed it I did. And felt appreciation in a way I hadn't before.

I try to be open and receive what comes, not change it. This winter I got caught up in the fact that the world wasn't going to allow me to keep the plans I had, and I got miserable, almost ran out of money and became very sad, also angry, frustrated too, and lost feeling. Now I'm feeling like I'm get lined back up with my inner being, able to breathe again, and go with that flow which is always there and waiting to be relaxed into. Once I let go of my expectations and my attachment to their outcome. It feels so much better, I'm very happy and ready to move forward

Now, I have two day off teaching, and will practice on zoom with Sharath Saturday morning, both things I'm looking forward to and open to receiving many others!

Enjoy your weekend!